Am i flogging a dead Horse?

[Shotinthedark2022]

Hoping for some advice from you lovely mumsnetters,as i can't seem to make sense of my relationship with boyfriend.
We have been together 3 years.Long distance relationship,which i have never been comfortable with,as everything has to be planned,and i don't like driving.(not a confident driver)He does all the travelling.Anyway,we initially got on well,lot of things and past experiences in common etc.Both in our late 50s.No kids at home.
We talked about our future together,we got engaged,made plans for living together(sell both houses and buy one together)In the meantime he came to mine every weekend,and sometimes i would go and stay at his.
Then one day after a argument,he stated that he wasn't interested in living together now.He liked living on his own,but wanted to stay engaged and continue the relationship as it was.He knows i struggle financially and with my health,and suffer from anxiety,and i feel that he gets fed up because i am not as active as him.(he says he is not bothered,but when i complain about pain or that i have medical appointments etc,he just switches off) I have noticed that he never leaves his phone unattended,and keeps it locked.9i would have no idea how to get into it anyway.
I have had conversations with him that i feel our relationship is going nowhere,and that i him changing his mind about our living together,getting married etc has caused resentment.I have even said maybe it would be best if we go our seperate ways.He then gets upset and says he wants to carry on as we are.I just feel i am banging my head against a brick wall.I am starting to resent him and feel i am starting checking out emothionally .He has also lied to me on several occasions,so there is a trust issue.He says if we split up,then he wouldn't have another relationship,so i don't think he is seeing anyone els,but i sometimes wonder if he is looking on dating sites.Another thing that bothers me,is he does watch porn,which for me is a real turn off(he doesn't watch it whilst with me) I have also lost the desire to have sex with him...oh dear this doesn't read very well does it.Any views or advice would be appreciated.

I think the problem OP is that you are wanting the type of relationship that only really comes (and I’m same age group as you) with long term live in/marriage situations where the history is there and your health issues are part of a long term shared story. Most guys at that stage who find themselves single are wanting another ‘honeymoon period’ or casual relationships or go the opposite way and want to move in within a month so someone can do all the grunt work. I suspect this guy has cooled now he realises rampant sex isn’t on offer and he would have to step up to the plate to support you. I also suspect he’s probably having casual dates/sex in the week and doesn’t want that to have to stop— basically having his cake and eating it. He clearly likes you a lot travelling all that way but maybe he likes having a change of scenery and enjoys the relationship for what it is. So yes I do think you are flogging a dead horse if you want more. You need someone local, committed and in tune with who you are now. Or you take a look at what support you actually need, make a more interesting life and stay single—

Crickyalmighty,My health issues wre there when we met,.However i and he thought i would get a lot better than i have,and will do.You are so right about wanting history to be there.The only history we both have,is of failed relationships.Yes we talk of our past lifes and do seem very to have so much in common with each other.I believe though that i am more open about my past relationships than he is.He says he is not a bad person,but knows he can be an idiot sometimes,but he is scared of losing things he has worked so hard for,and that it is still early days with us.I have met his family and friends,as he has mine.The reason i don't feel like having sex with him is not because i don't find him desirable,it's because i am feel so low in myself,but also so that he doesn't think he can just use me for that.It's a real mess isn't it.I have to say that if this relationship does come to an end,i really am not interested in having another relationship with anyone.It seems to me men start off as one thing,then change into someone you don't recognize.

Three years is not early days in a relationship. Anyone who tells you that it is, is simply trying to stall.

He's worried about losing money. I get that. But he could do a deed of trust to protect his investment in a house.

But if he's scared to move forwards and you don't want to have sex, I think it's over.

We talked about our future together, we got engaged, made plans for living together (sell both houses and buy one together)... Then one day after a argument, he stated that he wasn't interested in living together now.

My immediate reaction right there was "he just helped you dodge a bullet". Despite the hurtful delivery, he saved you from giving up your financial independence and your home for someone who is not 100% committed to you.

Then I read on and I am sorry, but I saw red flags galore. I will translate what I understood :

He liked living on his own, but wanted to stay engaged and continue the relationship as it was means that he wants to have his cake and eat it. He wants the comfort and priviledge of a relationship, without moving forward, evolving, or coming through on things he had previously promised (engagement, for example).

When I complain about pain or that I have medical appointments etc., he just switches off sounds as though he lacks empathy for you. This is callous anyway, but would you want to face this non-reaction if your condition worsens or you need help?

I have even said maybe it would be best if we go our seperate ways. He then gets upset and says he wants to carry on - of course he does, he's got everything that he wants/needs from you without responding to your needs. And I hate to say it, but by not making a clean break from him you are really saying "ok, I will continue to accept this situation that does not meet my needs. I may go on about it, but I'll put up with it". (Speaking from experience and I felt so relieved when I ended it).

He has also lied to me on several occasions only you can decide how much dishonesty is too much, and about what, but this is never great in a relationship.

He says if we split up, then he wouldn't have another relationship - so what? But also I hope that no one would put up with this non-engagement.

You sound like you are a lovely, patient person and you have tried to discuss this with him. Wanting to marry a partner who proposed and wanting to live with someone who suggested living together is not unreasonable. I think you will feel 100% better if you just cut ties and focus on what you really want in your life.

What holrosea wrote, do take heed.

"However i don't want to just throw away this relationship and then regret it".

I would say better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied. Do not spend yet more years on this man who comes with his own personal set of red flags here you have either minimised or simply not recognised for being red flags.

Don't get bogged down in your sunk costs; your above thinking here is an example of the sunken costs fallacy. Ongoing investment will not resuscitate what is gone when the investment is a bad one.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.” This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

You're not getting the emotional support you need. You dont feel cared for and you are suspicious of him.

Yet he pays for the odd meal and does a few practical things for you, so you don't end the relationship

😲😳

in a healthy relationship you love and support each other and show compassion with health matters etc, be kind... this isn't happening so on that alone I say he isn't good enough for you

He says if we split up, then he wouldn't have another relationship

It's a really weird thing for him to say - It's a way of him sounding like you're in a committed relationship without him actually committing to anything, and also sounds like both "you're the only one for me" AND "I don't really care about being in a relationship that much at all".

He also tells me that i am so negative all the time,and that i should be happy

Why the hell does he think he has the right to tell you how you 'should' feel? Has he got access to some set of rules the rest of us haven't seen, about what the 'correct' feelings are?

This is a fabulous way to duck responsibility for doing his bit in the relationship. He's doing a lot of stuff that makes you feel crap, and then he's telling you that feeling crap is wrong.

What a gem.

People in healthy relationships trust their partners, and don't post on forums about whether they're flogging a dead horse.

You know what you need to do, deep down, and you knew before you posted that you weren;t going to get a bunch of 'Stay with him, he sounds lovely!' posts.

He really isn't worth the hassle. It would be a good idea to look in to other ways to get the practical support you need, as otherwise you are going to find yourself in a similar position in future - needing to put up with tiresome behaviour from a man just because he occasionally does a few tasks that you struggle with by yourself.

@TheFoundation nails it as always -

He's doing a lot of stuff that makes you feel crap, and then he's telling you that feeling crap is wrong.

You don't entirely trust him. You're not happy, you have talked it over with him, and even suggested to him that you go your separate ways. But he then gets upset and says he wants to carry on as you are.

It doesn't have to be his decision. He might want to stay together, but what do you want?

You don't have to wait for him to agree to split up - you can make that decision by yourself, and tell him it's over.

He wants the nice bits of the relationship but not the downside, which is that you need a lot of support and he doesn't want to become burdened with your care and support needs. Perhaps he'd rather stay financially independent. You don't fancy him any more and don't trust him. I think things have run their course. Develop your friendship group and let the relationship fade.

I think it’s called having his cake and eating it.
You’re there when he wants company and sex but he’s not interested in any long term commitment.
It’s possible he is OLD so keeping his phone locked because of the apps on it.
Pros and cons list. Then choose what’s best for you.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.I really appreciate it.I must admitthat when i posted,ithought i would get replies telling me how stupid i am,but you've all been so kind with your advice and the way you've not slated me.I guess deep down i do know it's over.Maybe i was just holding on to a shred of hope.Hoping he would come to his senses.
My self esteem and confidence has hit rock bottom.This whole episode has left me feeling old,ugly and unloved.I know it is all partly my own fault.I have always been a soft touch,and i guess men have taken advantage of that.One of my downfalls i think,is i feel sorry for people.I even in a way feel sorry for him when he gets upset.I forgive too easily.What a mess.I know you are all right with what you tell me.If i was younger and fit and healthy,it would be easier to deal with.

You need to start falling in love with yourself

I got as far as him not caring about your appointments and health and couldn't continue. He's a fair weather on my terms kind of man. He's not a keeper.

You don't want sex with a man who doesn't meet your emotional needs because your body is trying to protect you. It's very wise and you should listen.

i thought i would get replies telling me how stupid i am

Not at all, he is manipulating you and it can be very difficult to see the bigger picture when you're in the relationship, especially one like this.

My self esteem and confidence has hit rock bottom.This whole episode has left me feeling old,ugly and unloved.

That's hardly surprising, the way he is treating you. But you are not, he has made you feel like that so you cling onto him because he knows if you are more confident you'll see him for what he is and dump him. Please don't beat yourself up for him being a shit.

I know it is all partly my own fault.

No, please do not think that. He has used your kind personality to behave any way he likes. It's him, not you. Those tears he sheds that make you feel sorry for him? They're for himself.

If I were you I would do what you can to bring some cheer into your life and work on building up decent boundaries for any future relationships, whether they be romantic or not.

I even in a way feel sorry for him when he gets upset

Why do you extend this luxury of sympathy to him, whilst calling yourself unpleasant names? The first stop on the 'Feeling sorry for people' train always has to be you. Extend this luxury of sympathy to you. You're being treated poorly. You are feeling like shit. You could do with a bit of sympathy, couldn't you? Who looks after you when you feel upset?

I know it is all partly my own fault

Recognise the difference between fault and responsibility. The behaviour he shows is faulty: he refuses to accept his part, he switches off, he lies, he does thing he knows make you feel uncomfortable. The behaviour you show isn't faulty; it's healthy relationship stuff: you are kind, sympathetic, forgiving, accepting.

So, the fault is his. He needs to amend his behaviour, just to be a decent, respectful person.

Your part in this is to do with responsibility, not fault. You are doing healthy things, but you are choosing to do them in unhealthy company. There's nothing wrong with anything you're doing, you're just doing them with the wrong person, who turns them unhealthy, because he's toxic. Poison spreads. You need to take responsibility for taking your decent, kind, loving, forgiving behaviour to somewhere it will be appreciated. Firstly, to direct it at yourself, and then once you're feeling a bit more 'taken care of' to direct it of people who are worthy of your loveliness.

Recognise that not everybody is worthy. Recognise that if you spend time with people not worthy of your loveliness, you will end up feeling shit, because they will sap it all from you until there is no loveliness left. You're not a bottomless pit. Be responsible for how you dish out your decency and respect.

Pull away from this man who has sapped your stores and left you with nothing left to even love yourself with.