My teenage daughter and my partner

[monopolymonies]

My teenage daughter is a typical teenager. Sweet moments but can be incredibly selfish and self absorbed.

When my exh moved out three years ago, she refused to go to his house eow as she prefers our house and her room and peace and quiet when her siblings are gone.

When they are all there, she can be shouty, rude and mean to her siblings if they make too much noise( in her opinion) or simply get in her way. She can also be kind and supportive when they need support for whatever reason.

My exh and I tried everything to encourage her to spend time with her Dad and go to his but she refused as she felt she needed peace and rest after the busyness of the house and the irritation that her siblings seem to cause her.

My partner and I see each other eow for the whole weekend. Lately it's been more at mine as he is moving from one city to another so finding it hard to find somewhere suitable and affordable for him and his children for when they stay.
That doesn't bother me as I prefer us to stay in my own home for lots of reasons.

However I think my daughter feels put out.
She constantly asks when we won't be there, when we are going away as she feels she needs peace and quiet. We are very quiet and the house is peaceful.

They get on great. They laugh about everything and anything and he is very good to her and generous with his time and money eg dropping her places, treating her to take always, treats, birthday and Christmas presents etc.

I think she has an issue with him being there , not because she doesn't like him or feel uncomfortable but because she wants the house to herself and privacy.

What should I do about this.
She is 17.

She’s an introvert who clearly does not usually get enough alone time with the way your life is set up.

That’s too bad. She will probably try really hard to get her own place as soon as she can.

In the meantime you can just tell her sorry but it’s your house and you will use it whenever you want.

Don’t expect her not to be disappointed though, she isn’t getting what she wants.

Thanks@CatherinedeBourgh.
She will happily stay in her room all day long on her own , watching tv and chatting to her friends online. Her siblings drive her crazy and she gets so irritated with me... being in my own home.
She will go to Uni soon I expect and it will no t be easy sharing for her.
Do you think I should leave her most of my
Free weekends

I agree with the pp, she obviously enjoys peace and quiet, however that might not be possible. It's lovely she gets on with your dp, but it's unrealistic that she has the house to herself eow, life just doesn't work that way I'm afraid. You and your family live in the house and you can't all dance to her tune. I guess you could compromise and agree to give her a few hours on her own during the weekend, maybe you go out Saturday afternoon for a few hours. Do your weekly shop with him. But it's your home too.

I think she sounds a bit entitled (like most teenagers). You pay for the house and bills, provide her with food etc yet she expects you to go out when she feels like space.

As long as she can go to her room and you aren't constantly bothering her for a chat then carry on as you are. She can have space when she gets a job and can fund her own place.

Another alternative is that she goes to her Dads during the week, that's presuming he lives alone with no other dc? Maybe she could get her quiet time at his?

Could she not go to her Dads for peace and quiet on the weekend her siblings are not there?

Of course you shouldn’t feel you need to leave your own home because that’s what your child would prefer. She’s not your boss! You’re the mum here and it’s your place. If she wants peace and quiet suggest she goes to the library.

Thanks. She refuses to go to her dads as she loves her home comforts.
Yes she is entitled but can be very sweet and kind too.
I guess I feel guilt that my eow is with my partner but when he isn't there she doesn't want to spend any quality time with me anyway unless it involves shopping or eating out !

Do you think I should leave her most of my
Free weekends

NO! My mother could have written this 15-20 years ago, except she and my father are still married. I have misophonia and on top of that am very introverted. My teenage years were absolute torture but my parents gave me far too much leeway trying to control noise etc. Not their fault- I couldn't control my temper as a teenager and the worse noise and chaos would have me shouting and crying and all sorts. Flat sharing wasn't easy but in a lot of ways it helped because you can't control flatmates the way you can ask your parents and siblings to turn a radio down or talk quieter. I had to seethe in silence lol. It set me up for marriage and kids and thank God because who wants to live being so stressed at noise all the time. I'd have been a nightmare. The more you pander to your daughter the harder she will find it to adjust to life outside your home.

Now I'm an adult and I understand these are my problems, not the problems of everyone around me I am grateful for how patient they were with me. All you can do is be patient and let her know you love her but it's your house and she can't expect sole use of it.

Can’t she go to her dads the weekend her siblings arnt there? Quiet time every weekend then, and she needs the relationship with her dad. Also she’s less likely to come across your partner every weekend then.

Also from your posts you sound like a kind and thoughtful person. Parenting teenage girls isn't easy at all! Ride the storm and do your best and it all gets better in the end :)

There is a difference between being accommodating and allowing her to rule the house.

She sounds particularly self absorbed and I know self absorbed teens.

She needs to be told to cop on and get a grip.

She can be as awkward and selfish as she wants when she is paying the bills but until such time as that happens she needs to be respectful and kind to those she lives with.

I think you need to be a lot less understanding.

She will be heading off to Uni and will be a nightmare to live with if she isn't given a dose of reality.

This will bring drama back to you ultimately.

I would strongly recommend you tell her that SHE needs to make allowances for other people and start realising the whole world does NOT revolve around her.

I think you should just be kind and fair ( as you seem to be) without her ruling the roost. It’s not all about her. There are siblings and yourself to consider. She can’t control everybody - it’s not fair

Usually I would say that dd comes first and out with the man, but in this instance I think she is unreasonable one. If she has her own bedroom with decent WiFi and a TV, then she is fine staying in her room when he visits. You say she likes spending time with you if you are shopping and eating out, so she does still need alone time with you and you need to be careful thst she still gets you to herself regularly. I think its understandable that she doesn't want to go to her dad's with her younger siblings. She probably feels silly. As others said, your ex needs to spend time with her one on one too.

Exactly - a “sorry love, nice try but I live here too!” should suffice really.

I’m wondering why you think maybe you should leave her alone for those weekends? Like what are the things making you think that.

Super interesting post @Natty13 I had no idea that was a thing

When you partner stays
He brings his own children as well?

Most 17yo's love to have the house to themselves...most don't get that, life's tough.

She can have the house to herself when she can afford to support herself!

& that's what I'd be telling her!

She's not 'worse off' than the vast majority of teenagers, she's arguably better off as she 'gets rid of' her siblings on a regular basis!

My partner doesn't bring his children.
I guess I feel guilty. I have never had much of a life outside my marriage and here I am with eow free to rest and relax. I feel like I should just spend it with her but as I said, she only wants to do things on her terms specifically. I am also a bit soft and a walkover.

It sounds like your daughter is neurodiverse and is hyper-sensitive to sound, hence, why it is so incredibly difficult for her when her siblings are around - to the point where she can no longer control her emotions.

You might feel the house is peaceful and quiet but your daughter doesn't feel the same. It causing her distress and it doesn't sound like her needs are being validated.

Your daughter is currently doing all of the bending. What can you do to meet her needs? Can you book a cheap hotel for you and your partner to use so your daughter can have 1 day in 31 where she feels comfortable and gets to be in the environment she needs to rest and re-charge?

Haha well it’s good to admit that you know you’re a bit soft! As long as she’s not in serious distress I’m sure she’ll be ok. If you’re feeling guilty maybe just tell your partner you need a weekend with your daughter and organise some fun/take her away for the night eg country cottage somewhere really quiet.

She's entitled to food and a roof over her head.. every teenager is..that's not acting entitled. She really IS entitled. I'd say it's her house too. Her room is her only private space that's meant to be able to go to relax. Being bombarded with noise when you're not in the mood for it would distress anyone. but she needs to find a way to deal it that suits everyone. Like noise cancelling headphones or something

It’s great she knows what she likes and can voice that.

She doesn’t have her own house tough yet so needs coping mechanisms to manage any issues and the other house hold members to show consideration when possible.

However I don’t think this can really equate to you being out your own house! That’s a bit far. You can empathise with her though..

Presume you are confident the intense need for peace and quiet isn’t hiding anything concerning?

With respect to pps who may think she is neurodiverse, she isn't. Her sister is but she doesn't really bother her. It's her brother who drives her crazy mostly .
My teenage daughter has no problem roaring laughing when with her friends on her room, blaring music into the small hours and chatting loudly while on FaceTime. This is an issue of her wanting her own way, in essence her own house 😂
I have told her many times that she is going to have some shock when she has to house share .

[quote monopolymonies]Thanks@CatherinedeBourgh.
She will happily stay in her room all day long on her own , watching tv and chatting to her friends online. Her siblings drive her crazy and she gets so irritated with me... being in my own home.
She will go to Uni soon I expect and it will no t be easy sharing for her.
Do you think I should leave her most of my
Free weekends [/quote]
Why can't she go to her dad's without her siblings?

Because she doesn't want to leave the comfort of ours .
Her dads house is cold and not decorated.the room she would be sleeping in there is a storage room basically.
Plus, they don't get on