My teenage daughter and my partner

[monopolymonies]

My teenage daughter is a typical teenager. Sweet moments but can be incredibly selfish and self absorbed.

When my exh moved out three years ago, she refused to go to his house eow as she prefers our house and her room and peace and quiet when her siblings are gone.

When they are all there, she can be shouty, rude and mean to her siblings if they make too much noise( in her opinion) or simply get in her way. She can also be kind and supportive when they need support for whatever reason.

My exh and I tried everything to encourage her to spend time with her Dad and go to his but she refused as she felt she needed peace and rest after the busyness of the house and the irritation that her siblings seem to cause her.

My partner and I see each other eow for the whole weekend. Lately it's been more at mine as he is moving from one city to another so finding it hard to find somewhere suitable and affordable for him and his children for when they stay.
That doesn't bother me as I prefer us to stay in my own home for lots of reasons.

However I think my daughter feels put out.
She constantly asks when we won't be there, when we are going away as she feels she needs peace and quiet. We are very quiet and the house is peaceful.

They get on great. They laugh about everything and anything and he is very good to her and generous with his time and money eg dropping her places, treating her to take always, treats, birthday and Christmas presents etc.

I think she has an issue with him being there , not because she doesn't like him or feel uncomfortable but because she wants the house to herself and privacy.

What should I do about this.
She is 17.

@preperri

She's entitled to food and a roof over her head.. every teenager is..that's not acting entitled. She really IS entitled. I'd say it's her house too. Her room is her only private space that's meant to be able to go to relax. Being bombarded with noise when you're not in the mood for it would distress anyone. but she needs to find a way to deal it that suits everyone. Like noise cancelling headphones or something

What? No one is saying that the mum should kick her out and stop providing her with a roof over her head or food. They are saying that she doesn't get to have sole use of the space.

She's going to struggle massively at university if she doesn't learn to live with other people existing in the same space as her ....

Sounds like she's happy to do the noise bombarding, she only objects to other people's noise! Big shock coming when she goes to uni..

Shape up or ship out is the only solution IMHO. I could imagine having this conversation with my parents would results in my bags being on the doorstep and the locks changed!!

At 17 she's entitled to decide what kind of relationship she wants with her dad. As an adult, I would hate to be expected to stay over in someone else's house frequently, especially if it's not very comfortable. She's at the age when she can vote with her feet... and she's voted with her feet. Her dad can either fight her and get nowhere or he can suggest doing other things with her... meals out, coffee, shopping, walk etc.

I think you should clamp down on her attitude towards you, your partner and her siblings, though. It sounds like she rules the roost. I don't think you need to be unpleasant but I'd just say "You're not the only person living in this house" or "In a few years, you'll be able to get your own place and have as much peace and quiet as you want" when she is being particularly silly. But don't change your behaviour just because she's having a moan.

@monopolymonies maybe she has a secret boyfriend or is doing something you'd disapprove of (e.g. smoking or drugs) so wants alone time to do this? Regardless of being an introvert or not, Her behaviour is very odd considering she has her own room to hideaway in and you and your boyfriend are quiet.

In any case she's almost an adult and needs to learn not to be selfish. When I saw the thread title I thought it was going to be about a 13yo not an almost grown woman. You shouldn't be tolerating her bad behaviour and she needs to abide by your rules as it's your house. We had our moments of course but my friends and I certainly weren't like this when we were 17. The people we knew who were as you describe had lax parents who didn't bring them up to respect other people.

She just sounds like an entitled teenager to me, OP. My 17 yo is very similar about her space and her home (and her friends).

But you need to stop feeling guilty - it's your home too, and she needs to adapt. I assume you're not having wild parties downstairs! Just tell her that it's tough, but it's your home too and if she chooses not to go and see her father, then she has to put up with you and your DP there and learn some strategies to deal with the annoyance you cause her.