Wife's Affair

[AFrost82]

I am struggling to cope after finding out that my wife had a long affair lasting 18 months with a work colleague. While I know it takes time to comprehend everything, I am haunted by thoughts that I can’t seem to shake off.

We have been married for 9 years and together for 17 years. The affair happened a while back, just two years into our marriage and things only came to light after coming across a suspicious message exchange very recently. I subsequently discovered an exchange of intimate message exchange detailing their activities. They still work at the same firm however my wife has promised that she will not interact with him ever again.

On finding out about the affair, my wife initially refused to tell the truth and instead tried to take back her phone and called the police to suggest that I had violated a data protection act in removing evidence from her phone. It took her a few weeks to be apologetic and show any signs of remorse.

To make matters worse, we have an amazing daughter that’s just one year’s old and I feel that her life will be destroyed if we decide to divorce. I would do anything for our daughter, but the pain is just too much. I still love my wife but hate her for what she has done and can’t seem to get over it.

We tried one session of counselling and to be honest, I personally didn’t think it helped. Maybe it was too early or I was too quick to judge. Your thoughts and comments would be much appreciated.

does she still work there does he?
is your dw sorry or sorry shes been found out
sorry im not much use but its not something i could move on with
i hope someone comes along with better advice

and also i know you want to protect your daughter but you have got to think of your own mental health

If she's lied about it for 7 years of your marriage since the affair I personally wouldn't trust her to be honest now! I couldn't continue to live with someone that had lied to my face for 7 years, then when confronted with the truth tried to involve the police and data protection (she's really clutching at straws there!!).

Is she sorry? Sorry for doing it, or for being found? 18 months isn't a one time mistake, it's a series of decisions where she decided to go against your vows and promises to each other. This should tell you how she really feels.

Your DC deserves two parents who are happy, be that together or separated. Staying for your DC isn't something I'd recommend, especially if you cannot fully move past this. Resentment grows with time, and your DC shouldn't be brought up by parents who are together but don't like each other. It makes for a horrible home atmosphere (as someone who's mum stayed for years "for the kids" I can tell you, it's not the good choice).

I dont believe at all that your daughters world will be destroyed if you split. Having been through a divorce recently - children are incredibly resilient and at 1 year old she wont even remember you two being together if you split now. Worse if you split when she is 4+

It's the bit about calling the police. I think it's often what betrayers do after being found out which continues to haunt the person they betrayed.

The act of betrayal is bad enough. When you come to the realisation that this person you have been sharing your life with has no ounce of decency (nor dignity), then you need to decide if this is the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your days.

You can still be a wonderful father to your daughter. You need to end your marriage. Your marriage is based on a massive lie and you will never trust her again. Don’t torture yourself anymore it’s best to split. Trust me - I tried to stay with a cheater - it never works

I’m sorry but I have to ask. Do you know for certain that the affair ended after 18 months and that nothing has ever happened again?
I mean are you certain that your daughter is yours?
(Again sorry to ask but it is a much higher percentage than people think where children are passed off as someone else’s).

@Bringithome

I dont believe at all that your daughters world will be destroyed if you split. Having been through a divorce recently - children are incredibly resilient and at 1 year old she wont even remember you two being together if you split now. Worse if you split when she is 4+

Your daughters world might not be destroyed but yours might.

If she was prepared to "play dirty" the first time by calling the police (which is extreme in my opinion) what's to stop her playing the same trick if you tell her you're divorcing her?

You could find yourself homeless and seeing your daughter once every two weeks at a contact centre.

Suggest you think VERY carefully about what would happen if you split.

Both my wife and her affair partner still work at the same organization although my wife has agreed to leave as soon as she finds another role. I'm certain the physical relationship ended several years ago, however, there was an emotional impact that lasted long after the affair.

If you want to stay in the marriage then she's really going to need to quit that job ASAP.

On the other hand.... if you've already made your mind up you want to divorce then it's very much in your interest if she stays in that job.

I understand that your head must be all over the place but you need to work out what your plan is.

@AFrost82

I’m reconciled after an affair. It’s not the easy option by a long stretch but if the cheat is remorseful it is possible.

If you are considering reconciliation I’d suggest the following:-

You and her read ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’, this will help you unpick whether she is truly remorseful. Then watch and wait. She broke the vows, you can break this marriage whenever you choose guilt free.

Both in individual counselling, her to work out why she did this and to understand how she can be a safe partner for you in future and you to help make a decision on whether reconciliation could work for you if she is remorseful.

Look around the surviving infidelity site and their reconciliation forum in particular. So many wise posters there that have been where you are.

Learn to let go of any idea of what everyone else wants you to do. You have to be absolutely true to what you want, this means letting go of the shame attached to staying, that’s hard but you have to be sure in your heart how you want to move forward. Counselling will help with this.

Watch the wealth of videos on Affair recovery site. They’re amazing.

Do not allow any blame on yourself. Do not allow her to blameshifting. This is on her.

Reconciliation is not easy, it’s hard, but if you really know how to move forward as safely as possible (and get rid if you don’t see remorse), it is doable.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Would you not want to end this sham of a marriage and parent your kid 50% of the time? Can’t see anything appealing about being legally shackled to a theatrical, long term liar who still works with her long term lover and wastes police time.

What do you mean she had to take back her phone though? You could've copied the evidence from it (fair enough), but why weren't you returning it?

* You can still be a wonderful father to your daughter. You need to end your marriage. Your marriage is based on a massive lie and you will never trust her again. Don’t torture yourself anymore it’s best to split.*

^This. Don’t settle for her, you can do so much better. Time to see a divorce lawyer and get your ducks in a row.

I'd say give yourself some time, nothing is on fire. You don't need to decide today. You need to give yourself the space to come terms with the fact that the person that you thought you were married to and the mother of your child in essence doesn't exist. Her behaviour when confronted, to me, is as if not more worrying than the affair.
She can leave her job but I don't think that's the issue. Trusting her now will be difficult, no matter where she works.
Don't make any sudden moves, you won't ruin your daughter's life if you decide you don't want to remain married. Don't beat yourself with that stick, let that idea go. Maybe commit to some more counselling sessions, and see how your feelings on it progress. No harm in seeking advice from a solicitor to get some facts on what the situation would be should you decide seperating is the best route.

I'd be straight for a dna test for my daughter. 18 months is a full relationship. Fuck that. You were second best for her. I'd be fucking fuming!

She's shat all over you, threatened you with the Police when you found out and made a mockery of your commitment and loyalty. Don't be a doormat. Get yourself a good solicitor and start planning your exit. You deserve better.

While I agree with the above, I would also say that if you're possibly considering divorcing your wife on the grounds of adultery, there is a 6 month time limit from finding out about the affair to sending your petition to court before that reason is on longer valid (unless you can prove the affair is ongoing). After that time, you'd need to petition on ground of unreasonable behaviour, which is far less 'cut & dried' & in many ways much messier/more painful (having to accuse the other person of at least 5 ways in which their behaviour makes it impossible to remain married to them any longer).
I totally agree that it's better to split & concentrate on future happiness for your daughter's sake (as well as your own), than trying to live with a situation that makes you miserable & is unlikely to improve. Kids pick up on tension too - you might think you're covering it up, but they'll notice & think it's somehow their fault. Counselling might well help the relationship heal, but once a cheater...

Best of luck

Wow...threatening to call the police after you look at her phone & discover she's shagging another bloke. What a lovely human being she is. Hard to know where that relationship can go from here if anywhere.
For me the trust would gone, that level of intimacy you shared as a couple she's been sharing with someone else. That would kill it to the core.
Get your ducks in a row and call it a day mate, it will never ever be the same again. Life is to short to settle for a tainted and soiled relationship when it can be enjoyed with someone who isn't going to shit on you from a great height. Hope you can find some peace & comfort.

DNA test for sure
I would never Trust her lying ass again
That is a long time and probably longer and deeper than she is admitting to
Is she just sorry you found out ?
Does OM wife know ?
For me I am sure I would be out of there and find someone who I can truly know and trust
Good luck

Both my wife and her affair partner still work at the same organization although my wife has agreed to leave as soon as she finds another role

I'd ask how hard she's trying to find another job, but where he works is really just geography. Unless you want to keep tabs on everywhere she goes - and that would be soul destroying in itself - there's nothing to stop her seeing him elsewhere, or failing that someone else

Unfortunately the reaction you've described suggests she's merely cross at being found out rather than genuinely sorry, and personally I wouldn't consider that a good basis for moving forward

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Both my wife and her affair partner still work at the same organization although my wife has agreed to leave as soon as she finds another role

I'd ask how hard she's trying to find another job, but where he works is really just geography. Unless you want to keep tabs on everywhere she goes - and that would be soul destroying in itself - there's nothing to stop her seeing him elsewhere, or failing that someone else

Unfortunately the reaction you've described suggests she's merely cross at being found out rather than genuinely sorry, and personally I wouldn't consider that a good basis for moving forward

💯 this

Unfortunately the reaction you've described suggests she's merely cross at being found out rather than genuinely sorry, and personally I wouldn't consider that a good basis for moving forward

I think it’s good you are having counselling sessions, but if she kept this quiet for 7 years, she was clearly never planning to tell you, the call the police thing would have been it for me, no trust left.

Speak to a solicitor and get out.

The following facts left our at me:

1. the affair wasn't just a once off or short lived - it went on for 18 months (that's thousands of lies told, birthdays were celebrated, Christmas , anniversary....all while she looked you in the eye and lied)

2. when the affair ended, she was not honest she did not come clean . Feel guilty, own up, apologise and seek counselling. She did not give you the opportunity to make an informed choice. She continued to allow you to live a lie.

3. she went on to have a baby with you and tie you to her forever, knowing she had pulled the wool over your eyes.

4. her behaviour since - blaming you and calling the police.

This woman sounds like a narcissist, she feels entitled to take what she wants from who she wants, she feels no remorse. She will walk all over anyone in order to get what she wants.

Run run run for the hills.

*leapt out at me

@20thCenturyWolf

While I agree with the above, I would also say that if you're possibly considering divorcing your wife on the grounds of adultery, there is a 6 month time limit from finding out about the affair to sending your petition to court before that reason is on longer valid (unless you can prove the affair is ongoing). After that time, you'd need to petition on ground of unreasonable behaviour, which is far less 'cut & dried' & in many ways much messier/more painful (having to accuse the other person of at least 5 ways in which their behaviour makes it impossible to remain married to them any longer). I totally agree that it's better to split & concentrate on future happiness for your daughter's sake (as well as your own), than trying to live with a situation that makes you miserable & is unlikely to improve. Kids pick up on tension too - you might think you're covering it up, but they'll notice & think it's somehow their fault. Counselling might well help the relationship heal, but once a cheater... Best of luck

Respectfully, I’d personally disagree that Adultery is the easier option - in fact, the professional advice I was given was to go with Unreasonable Behaviour and don’t regret it for a second.

Firstly, adultery requires solid evidence of sexual betrayal - so you would need written admissions of doing the deed, photographic evidence, etc. Texts declaring feelings aren’t enough and “my wife told me they did” could be contested - she responds “no I didn’t”.

Secondly, if you name the affair partner they need to be served papers and respond as well which further bigs the whole thing down.

Thirdly, “unreasonable behaviour” carries a lot less shame than adultery, so the wife may be more inclined to not contest things.

You do have to list five things, however the court is usually fairly lenient with these. With the affair itself, withholding the truth for years, calling the police and lack of satisfaction from counselling I’d say there were four in the bag already.