Why do I feel like this after ex's announcement

[Layza101]

Hi, so I feel like I'm going through a whirlwind of emotions at the moment. Me and my ex were together for 16 years, have 2 lovely boys. We broke up 4 years ago but we were still quite close.
He kept me close as he didn't like to be alone and I stayed close as I still loved him, but I know realise how unhealthy this was and felt very used.
He got with his girlfriend around 4 months ago, he lives with her and has the boys every other weekend. The initial shock of that made me sad, but I quickly got over that, then my eldest son told me her daughter calls my ex, dad (she's apparently never met her dad, she's around 7) which baffled me as it seems way to soon.
I've met her a couple of times during pick ups/drops offs and have spoken to her a few times and she seems a nice person and the boys really like her, so I am happy about that.
All this time I've slowly tried to get back to how I used to be, but he sent me a message yesterday and as soon as I read it my heart sank. He said he wanted me to know that he's asked her to marry him.
I spent most of the night crying and overthinking so much. We were engaged for about 2 years before we broke up and he'd always said he never wanted to get married and only proposed because that's what I wanted and now I keep thinking if he can propose to someone after that amount of time then what's wrong with me?
I don't know why I'm so upset, because I don't want him back, he didn't treat me very nice, called me alot of names and hardly helped around the house and with the boys, but I feel heartbroken again.
My confidence is non-existent and I've lost myself. I haven't dated anyone since we split up and he was my first boyfriend, so maybe that has alot to do with why I feel like this.
Has anyone been though anything similar and can offer any advice or words of wisdom as I feel right back to square one again. Thanks 😊

Oh @Layza101 it hurts doesn't it!

I was with my ex for 9 years, had 2 lovely boys together. The day he got married I was a wreck. I didnt want him back at all. But it hurt all the same. A lovely friend messaged me that day and said he was on his way to pick me up and take me out for lunch. It helped.

I was then single for about 7 years. Finally met someone else. He left me after 2.5 years because he "didn't want a family" and "hated" my DC. Less than a year later he was living with his new gf, her young DD and they were expecting a baby together. I'm still not over that tbh. Thinking about him hurts. So damn much.

I guess it just takes time. And hopefully you'll have more luck than me with a new DP one day. I can only conclude that there's something wrong with me.

Sorry. Not sure that's advice or words of wisdom. But you're not alone.

You’re certainly not wrong for redeeming like this.I would do too.
What you need to get and focus on is that ,like you say,you don’t want him back.
It is bizarre that’s happened after only four months,but it’s also odd he’s already living there that quickly.The daughter calling him dad already is a bit pushy, so maybe she’s the sort who wants to be engaged and he’s going along with it all.
Either way there’s nothing you can do,but I totally understand why you feel so rubbish.

Feeling not redeeming ,sorry OP x

It is complicated, but not grounded in reality. Your relationship ended for good reasons and who knows what he is okaying at? 4 months and he lives with her? Her child calls him daddy and they are getting married? This says more about their instability than it does about some great love.

Op your feelings are perfectly natural, and of course they don't mean you want him back.

It's more about the 'What was wrong with me that made him not want to marry me.

So let me tell you here and now that there is absolutely nothing 'wrong' with you or your lovely DC at all !

It's simply that you weren't 'pliable' enough or stupid enough to put up with his crap !
You are better at defending your DC from a 'man' who either didn't treat them right or tried to 'insist' you put him above your kids

The fact that you would not capitulate and defer to 'him' tells us more about your strengths and your Ex's weaknesses !

Be proud that you were not prepared to put up with their crap because you have more sense, intelligence, pride and 'defences' in place to protect yourself and your DC !

@updownroundandround

Op your feelings are perfectly natural, and of course they don't mean you want him back.

It's more about the 'What was wrong with me that made him not want to marry me.

So let me tell you here and now that there is absolutely nothing 'wrong' with you or your lovely DC at all !

It's simply that you weren't 'pliable' enough or stupid enough to put up with his crap !
You are better at defending your DC from a 'man' who either didn't treat them right or tried to 'insist' you put him above your kids

The fact that you would not capitulate and defer to 'him' tells us more about your strengths and your Ex's weaknesses !

Be proud that you were not prepared to put up with their crap because you have more sense, intelligence, pride and 'defences' in place to protect yourself and your DC !

I second everything wrote here.

It's not you OP, you'll heal in time and realise why it didn't work out with those men. You sound incredibly strong and wonderful, please try to remember that and be kind to yourself

Also I split from my childrens dad around 2 years ago, have been close still spending time together for similar reasons to you, over the last 6 months I've distanced myself and I feel like my heart is less broken than it was, I still dream that he's met someone else and I wake up feeling sick but it's less intense than it was before

It doesn't mean there was anything wrong with you, just that he didn't see you and he together as compatible for the long term.

The relationship existed between you both. It wasn't your sole responsibility.

People will try and make you feel better by suggesting its that you were 'too good' for him. That's not really fair on his partner though. Just that your qualities didn't align with his. What you offered wasn't what that particular man wanted or needed. That doesn't mean there was anything wrong with your or, indeed, that there is anything 'wrong' with him - he didn't treat you very well but if the relationship was wrong, that's going to happen!

You and he just weren't compatible in the long term in his eyes and, if you're honest with yourself, you see that too.

I would be unsuitable for the majority of men I've ever dated long term but my boyfriend loves all the things about me that pissed other men off. Its not you. It was you and him together.

Awful that post break up you continued to accept bad treatment from your ex.

Suggest working on why you made certain choices about the relationship (some of which have probably worsened and much prolonged your pain), and not dating again until you’ve improved your expectations, ‘boundaries’ etc.

You can help yourself by minimising contact with your ex to discussing the DC and practical matters.

‘Close’ seems an inappropriate word for having lots of contact or time with and/or sex with an ex. Since it’s usually anything but.

He sounds abusive and awful. You are much better off without him. Pity her that she's marrying such a dickhead.

Op it's awful isn't it, especially when you can't put your finger on it. I felt the same when I found out my ex had got married. He was a horrible person and I disliked him immensely, it was also me who left and it's the best decision I ever made. However I still had a few years when I found out.

Give yourself permission to grieve and then move on after a set period. Also think about getting some councilling to work through your thoughts and feelings

How you are feeling under the circumstances you describe is completely understandable.
If he didn't treat you nice, called you names, and let you do most of the work around the house and raising your children, and you recognise you feel used by him - it sounds like you left an abusive relationship. If after you broke up you still had contact with him, you may still be feeling the effects of intermittent reinforcement that occurs in harmful relationships. It's basically like an addiction. The reaction you are having is completely normal under those circumstances. This video explains it.
Learning a bit about emotional abuse, the impact it has, and the recovery process will help your heal. It's also very helpful if you can have a lot of compassion for yourself and let yourself grieve for all the hopes you had and all your losses, it's really sad and hard what you are going through. You deserve compassion and kindness, especially from yourself. And if he is marrying her so quickly, he might be love-bombing her now, but he is likely to treat her in a similar way to how he treated you. You've done well to get away from a relationship with someone who was harming you. Even if it feels hard to believe now, you can recover and move on to have the possibility of a great relationship in the future. Drastically reducing contact with him and keeping your communication to the bare minimum required for parallel parenting is usually recommended for the process of recovering from an abusive relationship.

My instinct is that he's worried this one will get away like you did, so he wants to tie her down to make it more difficult. He's probably love bombing her too.

My thoughts exactly @oviraptor21

I was like you over Xmas.
I think it's more grief for your own time/life wasted. Why did you put up with so little! And the knowledge there's nothing you can do to get that time back plus you're in.a wasteland of healing.
I found it overwhelming. When I didn't have the kids I was immobilised. I think I needed that processing time tbh. To hide away in bed.
If I can't give myself the time now to feel something - to touch and prod my emotions and go what's going on here then - when can I?
I'm coming out of it now. A little bit stronger, a bit more in a letting go frame of mind. I feel like I'm in the pupating state and I'm not ready to be a butterfly yet but I can see it will come.

4 months and he lives with her? Her child calls him daddy and they are getting married? This says more about their instability than it does about some great love.

This, OP.

This is such a weird setup. I understand you feeling pissed off, anyone would in your position, but I would actually feel more freaked out than anything.

Again, what a bloody strange setup. Not trying to be an arsehole but I give it 2 years tops. 🤷‍♀️

Either way, move on. He sounds like a man-child. They never grow up. He will forever be mentally and emotionally 15 years old in his head.

Move. On.

Just because he's got engaged, doesn't mean he will actually marry her. You know better than anyone, that to him, an engagement doesn't equate to a wedding. He was happy being engaged to you for 2 years with no sign of a wedding, history may very well repeat itself.

Thank you everyone for your replies, they have really made me think alot and shown that alot of us have been through similar, but we'll all come through the other side.
Having slept on it, I feel so much better and now realise that what I was feeling is normal, but I'm glad not to be in that situation any longer.
I'm currently in my third year at uni to become a children's nurse, so I'm going to focus my time on that and bringing my DC up the best way I can.
Thank you all again, you're all amazing

You have dodged a bullet. Marry in haste and all that! It hurts but you will meet somebody lovely yourself

It will end in tears. Living together after 4 months and engagement is very unwise and this new woman is not protecting herself or her child. It says nothing about you and everything about his lack of insight or judgement. Maybe he also trying to impact on you and hurt you.

All that suggests you need to distance yourself from him more. Sure deal civilly with him in the interests of your children's care but separate yourself. Your own life and interests lie in a different direction, separate from him. It's completely understandable you feel hurt and bruised now, anyone would, but start insulating yourself and move forwards. You deserve better. He's toxic and you can have a much better life without him.

4 months together and they're living together and getting married, haha that has lasting happiness written all over it 😜 you've dodged a bullet and she doesn't know what she's getting into, don't be jealous! Xx

I'm currently in my third year at uni to become a children's nurse, so I'm going to focus my time on that and bringing my DC up the best way I can.

👏👏👏

I love this.

Please keep up the good work and do not give this man another second of your time or ounce of your energy.

Good for you, OP. You've got this.

Oh op I have been there. Less than 3 months of separating from my stbxh he claimed he'd met the love of his life, he went into great detail of how much better she is than me, all lies I've since found out but that's a whole other story. He said he was planning children with her (he said this to hurt me knowing full well I wanted more and even admitted this recently)

18 months later and I suspect he is only with her as she is funding his lifestyle and the kids claim never see her anymore?? So much for their perfect blended family they both tried to shove down my dc throats without so much of a thought for how the dc would react to even more change in such a short space of time.

I was so hurt and angry and I said lots of things I regret but now I just pity him.

I feel even more sorry for her as he has booked a vasectomy and failed to tell her!