To be so hurt by this? (DP, TTC)

[SarahAndQuack]

DP and I are two women. We have a DD who is DP's biological daughter; when we discussed TTC I was always very clear that I would like to try to get pregnant too. DP is older, and I have a history of miscarriage, so it made sense for her to try first.

DP was frankly traumatised by pregnancy/childbirth. Partly because she had a rough time; partly because she was very unprepared for it and it came as a huge shock.

I have since tried with no success, and then covid happened and we put plans on hold. I have explained to DP many, many times that I would really appreciate her emotional and practical support. When she was trying, I did most of the admin with the clinic (because this can be stressful). When I first tried, all the admin fell to me again. So this time, I explained, I really wanted her support and help. It means a lot to me because (as you would imagine given the miscarriages - which were during a previous relationship - and the failed treatments), I now find the whole process quite stressful and upsetting.

Every time we discuss this, DP says yes, fine, she will do it, and yes, she definitely wants me to get pregnant. Then she does nothing. For example, I had to ask her about twenty times to get in touch with the clinic about something. Then I had to ask her over and over to write and print a letter we need to send. That letter is dated 22nd December and is still sitting on the table waiting for her to put it in the post.

I find it so hurtful. I have said over and over that, to me, it comes across as her not wanting another child, and/or not wanting me to have a child. She insists it is not, then continues to make no effort.

It's genuinely made me feel like crying today - I just don't know how to get through to her that it's really hurtful. I know she finds admin tedious (don't we all?), but I hate it.

(Btw, I didn't NC so if you know me please be discreet; also, I'm going to pop out in a few minutes because I want to do some deep breathing and calm down! So I won't reply straight off. I hope that is ok.)

I think either there’s something deeper going on, or this is a love languages issue.

It’s plausible but pure speculation that there’s a lot going on in her head. Worry that you’ll love the new baby more, jealousy at you being pregnant and the idea you’ll have a good pregnancy, PTSD from her own experiences, dislikes the idea of a newborn, unsure about a second child.

Or you’re looking for a symbol of her support that just doesn’t have the same meaning to her. You’ve clearly decided that admin is very important for signalling support and commitment but perhaps she sees it as just admin?

Personally I’d focus my energies on trying to work out if our pop psychology theories about her motivations hold any weight rather than fighting the battle on admin specifically.

Things are different now though, she has a trauma she didn't have before and a fear of the process. Sometimes life changes in ways that makes tit for tat impossible.

It's a common theme here that people don't get the same excited responses to their second or third pregnancy announcements, but that sense of being less special lasts only until the baby is born - with enough special-ness of its own to make any comparison feel a bit silly.

This sounds like a more complex version of the same issue, you want the exact mirror image of what she had at this time, partly thanks to you. The same enthusiasm and support would be nice, but it isn't as straightforward. None of this makes your baby less important or less wanted - in fact her going forward when she knows it could be scary is being more wanted.

I hope you can talk to each other, you are clearly a lovely couple who have had a difficult time, you can get through this.

@FoxgloveSummers - yes, I definitely feel like there's a deeper imbalance. @MorkandMandy - I'm sure it's some or all of those things. I do try to talk to her about it. @Moancup (what a great name!) - yes, I agree, I want to figure this out. It's not that I want the admin battle to be sorted more than anything else, just that it is the thing through which I'm currently finding all the other issues are being refracted, if that makes sense?

@CatSpeakForDummies, thanks, that's very kind of you. But yes, sure, it can't be tit for tat, and yes, of course, second babies are different. I don't in the least want a mirror image experience - obviously, we're not going to do all sorts of things we did the first time because we're busy parents now, and we're not quite so wide-eyed about it all. I wouldn't expect that.

But what I do feel is that the 'oh she has trauma' response is a real problem for me, because I can't help feeling, yes, but she made me support her in ways I found sometimes upsetting, which reminded me of previous losses. And I did that because she made it very clear it was what she needed and deserved during pregnancy.

To me that feels a bit different. It's not something that is an obvious casualty of life having moved on (like, say, the way when you don't have kids you can give your pregnant partner loads of lie-ins/naps, whereas when you have a child already it's obvious from the outset that isn't going to be very feasible). It's something where I can't help feeling she's being unfair.

Name changed but posted on this thread before - did she do the admin? I hope you’re feeling less stuck