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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH says I've changed

67 replies

ScatteredMama82 · 10/01/2022 11:06

He said I seem unhappy, he doesn't know how to make me happy anymore. He said I'm not interested in him, in sex, I'm not grateful enough for things (e.g. Christmas presents). I'm never spontaneous.

I'm devastated he sees me like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 10/01/2022 11:07

I feel like he wants the younger, child-free me. I have a full-time job, am mum to 2 kids aged 7 &12 (they are his kids!) I don't know if I can be what he wants me to be.

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trickytimes · 10/01/2022 11:09

Start of the end. Sorry. Google devaluation. He’s devaluing you so that he can discard you. Normal people don’t speak like your husband. They don’t “tell” someone they are unhappy they ASK are you ok? Are you happy? Is there anything you need to make us closer. You’re married to a selfish prick. Sorry. He’s made it all about him and made it all your fault. Do not rise to this as it’s an attention seeking ploy. Google “narcissistic discard” and read up on narcs and relationships to inform yourself. Is this out of the blue? What’s the story with the Christmas presents?

SleepingStandingUp · 10/01/2022 11:11

OK so how do you see it?

He said I seem unhappy are you?
he doesn't know how to make me happy anymore does he make you unhappy?
He said I'm not interested in him do you talk and share you lives?
in sex do you enjoy sex with him?
I'm not grateful enough for things What's that back story?
I'm never spontaneous is he?

I'm devastated he sees me like this I an understand why you're upset but see it as a chance for self reflection. This is a chance to really look inwards and work out if you are happy and if not what needs to change.

Eleganz · 10/01/2022 11:14

Good post by @SleepingStandingUp

We don't know enough here to know if your husband's views have any truth to them or not. What is your response to his comments?

trickytimes · 10/01/2022 11:15

You shouldn’t tie yourself in knots being what he wants you to be. You be you. That should be enough and if it’s not then he needs to leave. Do not stand for this posturing, baby like nonsense. It’s attention seeking behaviour. Stand firm and do not indulge or this will now be your life. Truly, what kind of husband/father is he? Don’t blow us the “excellent father” smoke but really sit and tell us. How much true parenting (on his own doing washing/school runs/cleaning up shit) does he do? Mental load? All you or fairly split? Start to unpick his unreasonable behaviour before you respond to him

trickytimes · 10/01/2022 11:15

What prompted this outburst from him? Don’t be his whipping boy

IncompleteSenten · 10/01/2022 11:18

How does he treat you?

I'm guessing not too great since he is the type to complain you aren't grateful enough!

Does he do his actual fair share of housework and childcare for example?

ImustLearn2Cook · 10/01/2022 11:21

@ScatteredMama82 Change is good, change means growth. Anyone I’ve ever met who is determined not to change, to stay the same, not alter from how they thought, behaved, etc when they were younger have been immature.

I’m sorry that you’re husband isn’t growing with you. Flowers

ImustLearn2Cook · 10/01/2022 11:25

Also want to add that you don’t have to be the younger, child-free version of yourself. That’s not realistic.

BlingLoving · 10/01/2022 11:28

There's a lot here and difficult to say if he's being a complete dick or has a point. Sleepingstandup has good points and I'd be going through that list. Also thinking about why you are/aren't something.

eg, DH has in the past made comments to say I'm not happy, almost like he's blaming me. And it's taken quite a lot of work and conversations and effort on both of our parts to get to the point where actually, I can accept that he was not entirely wrong and that I should accept the responsibility of making the effort to change things AND he can accept that he plays a part in that and/or that I need more understanding based on how stressed or busy I am.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/01/2022 11:30

@ImustLearn2Cook

Also want to add that you don’t have to be the younger, child-free version of yourself. That’s not realistic.
Totally, you both should have grown and changed.

But you aren't screaming out on your post that you ARE happy. He isn't telling you your unhappy, like @trickytimes has declared, he pointing out you seem unhappy.

So, are you?

And if you're knackered cos you're doing it all, this is the chance to say all of that and make a change. If you just don't love him anymore, if there's something else going on etc. this is the chance to address.

Don't just dismiss it as "I'm FINE!!!"

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2022 11:34

Would you rather he hadn’t spoken to you? Is he right, being fair? Do you think he’s happy?

Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 10/01/2022 11:35

Thanks everyone, some really good points here. I'm still unpicking it myself, and the reason I'm not screaming 'he's wrong, i'm fine' is he does have a point to an extent. There is back story, we've had a hell of a lot going on in the last few years. He's not a dick, not at all. He isn't telling me I'm unhappy, he's telling me that I seem unhappy and he feels like he can't do anything right.

Some backstory - his mother is toxic. He's gone VLC with her in the last few months, lots of trauma in there for him historically. His Dad died in the summer. I think that has brought a lot of feelings to the surface for him.

He's military and was posted away for 3 years, home only at weekends and hols. I got into 'cope' mode and did everything. He's now home again with a local posting and we're finding it hard to readjust to being together all the time.

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Rainbowqueeen · 10/01/2022 11:36

You have 2 kids, a full time job and he expects you to be spontaneous?? What exactly does he mean by that.

I’d suggest that it’s time for a serious chat and potentially an overhaul of your lives on both your parts.

But first take some time on your own to think about his comments.
The main reason women are not interested in sex in relationships is because they are exhausted and resentful of husbands who don’t pull their weight. Is that the case here?? Does he make you feel special and cherished and want to be intimate

He seems to be putting all the responsibility for his unhappiness into you. I doubt that is fair or reasonable
💐

Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 10/01/2022 11:37

@AnneLovesGilbert

Would you rather he hadn’t spoken to you? Is he right, being fair? Do you think he’s happy?
No, I'm glad he did. I don't think he's being entirely fair but he's right about some things. No, he's not happy either.
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Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 10/01/2022 11:40

I should add we did discuss the mental load last night and he wants to do more. Having been 'out of the loop' of the daily admin for so long, he's lost sight of it.

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Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 10/01/2022 11:41

@Rainbowqueeen

You have 2 kids, a full time job and he expects you to be spontaneous?? What exactly does he mean by that.

I’d suggest that it’s time for a serious chat and potentially an overhaul of your lives on both your parts.

But first take some time on your own to think about his comments.
The main reason women are not interested in sex in relationships is because they are exhausted and resentful of husbands who don’t pull their weight. Is that the case here?? Does he make you feel special and cherished and want to be intimate

He seems to be putting all the responsibility for his unhappiness into you. I doubt that is fair or reasonable
💐

He's not putting it all on me, he freely acknowledges all the other crap that is taking up space in his head (see backstory in my earlier post).
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2022janey · 10/01/2022 11:42

Thing is, as you get older you have kids and change. Your working full time, parenting two kids. Is he pulling his weight around the house- housework/mental load? These can sap the life out of you and fill you with resentment if its only you doing everything

SleepingStandingUp · 10/01/2022 11:48

@ScatteredMama82

I should add we did discuss the mental load last night and he wants to do more. Having been 'out of the loop' of the daily admin for so long, he's lost sight of it.
I suspect you're also not great at delegating because you've simply had to do it all for so long.
Abbo552 · 10/01/2022 11:53

[quote ImustLearn2Cook]@ScatteredMama82 Change is good, change means growth. Anyone I’ve ever met who is determined not to change, to stay the same, not alter from how they thought, behaved, etc when they were younger have been immature.

I’m sorry that you’re husband isn’t growing with you. Flowers[/quote]
This isn’t really a fair in any way shape or form

From reading the updates, sounds more like the husband is the one growing and working through some difficult times

Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 10/01/2022 11:54

@SleepingStandingUp absolutely true. I'm not good at delegating at all.

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SpikeDearheart · 10/01/2022 11:56

Re his comment about your spontaneity, is it possible that those times he was gone from posting you put in the effort to make those times 'special' with fun activities etc - the sort of effort that's not feasible every day - and he's not quite figured out how to adjust to the more mundane life now he's there every day? DH and I were in a long-distance relationship for work reasons for a long time and that was certainly true for us - we got through it!

SpikeDearheart · 10/01/2022 11:57

Ugh autocorrect - should have said 'times he was HOME from posting'

Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 10/01/2022 11:58

@Abbo552 he is going through difficult times. That's why I've kept doing 'everything' and trying (although obviously not succeeding) to be positive about it. I didn't want to put extra pressure on him, but every so often I get annoyed and blow up about being the one who is doing everything. Vicious circle.

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Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 10/01/2022 11:58

@SpikeDearheart

Re his comment about your spontaneity, is it possible that those times he was gone from posting you put in the effort to make those times 'special' with fun activities etc - the sort of effort that's not feasible every day - and he's not quite figured out how to adjust to the more mundane life now he's there every day? DH and I were in a long-distance relationship for work reasons for a long time and that was certainly true for us - we got through it!
Yep, I think that's part of it too.
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