DH says I've changed

[ScatteredMama82]

He said I seem unhappy, he doesn't know how to make me happy anymore. He said I'm not interested in him, in sex, I'm not grateful enough for things (e.g. Christmas presents). I'm never spontaneous.

I'm devastated he sees me like this.

Ok, if you can still talk to each other, if you still respect each other as people, starting today you should have a daily half hour meetup after the kids are in bed.

Make a hot drink, telly off, sit down together in the kitchen and have 10 mins for organizing/planning (share the mental load), ten minutes where you say something nice about the other to them (5 mins each), 10 mins where you talk about "bigger stuff" (nightmare families, bereavement, childhood etc).

Get a pack of biscuits in so that if either of you feel like your heart rate is going up, you're getting agitated, eat a biscuit very slowly and have a little time-out (maybe postpone the tricky topic to the next day).

Counselling will take time to arrange but this you can start right now.

You've had a very difficult time with lots of big changes. From your posts, you both sound like fair, decent people. Why not sit down together and chat about how you would like daily life and your marriage to be, going forward.

Be realistic about responsibilities you can't ditch and how much energy they take up. If you do anything you can ditch (ie PTA or other voluntary work) drop it now. Focus on your marriage instead. It's more important.

Take turns to plan surprise nights out with each other, maybe once a month, (and have lower key dates in between - pub or cinema etc.) Take turns to plan family days out so you have fun together as a family unit. (Ime, this absolutely cements a marriage.)

Make small efforts to have fun together at home. Have pizza and film nights or game nights. Invite a few friends over, but keep it simple, not stressful. Get them to bring pudding and salad and you make a main course.

Be more openly appreciative of him if he needs that, but equally ask for what you need from him and make sure he makes equal effort. Don't let it turn into you jumping through hoops with a smile plastered on your face.

It's a bit unreasonable not to expect people to change.

@ScatteredMama82
Not sure which branch of the military your husband is in, but someone like the AFF or NFF might be able to offer some support

aff.org.uk/advice/family-life/

nff.org.uk/relationships/

www.raf-ff.org.uk/family-support/

Good luck 🤞

Sounds like you are hitting a cross roads in your relationship. He has pointed some stuff out that you are brave enough to say may have some weight too. I can only see this opening some good communication for you both and perhaps some external help to try and unravel the past traumas and adapting to where you both see yourselves now. I hope you can navigate through this.

@ScatteredMama82

He said I seem unhappy, he doesn't know how to make me happy anymore. He said I'm not interested in him, in sex, I'm not grateful enough for things (e.g. Christmas presents). I'm never spontaneous. I'm devastated he sees me like this.

This is an important time to go for counselling @ScatteredMama82 Do you both not have regular proper couple time? Are you ensuring you prioritise your marriage as well as the children? Children are the product of the relationship, not the other way round. It isn't the newborn stage, It's vital you both prioritise each other in practical ways,including sexual intimacy, and not just let the relentlessness of parenting stagnate the relationship otherwise any relationship is going to flounder which is going to be much more detrimental to the children in the long run.

Why/how would you NOT change? You are a human. Not changing would be a doll or a robot...

Also bear in mind for most men, sex leads to feeling more emotionally intimate with their wife whereas for women it's the other way round. His mention of sex is very likely to be he's feeling he's losing intimacy with you and wants to change that.

TheVanguardSix
Anyway, reconnecting... it's something to talk about together- getting to know each other again as a couple, as a family. How are the kids doing with dad home all the time?
Take it easy. Cut each other slack, hug each other, understand that you are facing this difficult task of reconnecting but do so with love and patience (and with some good days out as a family, as a couple, you can do this). I hope you can find peace again in your marriage.

There really is always the possibility that maybe you've outgrown him. Maybe his presence in the home isn't a positive one for you and he's picking up on that. Just a thought. But sometimes, time calls time on a marriage and it's very sad but something that can't be reversed. I hope that's not the case, but it's ok to explore that possibility too.

I think what @TheVanguardSix wrote is beautiful and empathetic. @ScatteredMama82 Go easy on yourself and your DH. Be kind and realistic with each other. You are going through changes and transitioning from a long distance relationship to living together full time. It is a readjustment for both of you.

Also, when you posted that you think that he wants you to be the same as you were when you were younger before you had kids, have you asked him if that is what he expects of you? That needs to be addressed.

If he reassures you that he does not expect that of you then you can have peace of mind about that issue. If he says that he does have that expectation of you then that is not ok or reasonable and you will have to address that.

Hi, just wanted to come back and say thank you for all your helpful advice and support yesterday. I had a rollercoaster of emotions all day. We had another long chat last night, we've come up with some plans to look forward to and lots of solutions to help take the load off me and free me up to relax and enjoy life more. My DH is not a selfish prick, or a narcissist or about to run off with another woman as some people suggested.

@ScatteredMama82 That’s a great update.

Are you what YOU want to be?

Happiness comes from being happy in yourself, not trying to make others happy.

Have you ground yourselves into a rut?

Can you help each other to climb out?

So sorry, missed your last post.

Well done OP, it looks as if you can work together. Good luck!

My DH is not a selfish prick, or a narcissist or about to run off with another woman as some people suggested
I couldnt believe the first answer in suggested he was! Crazy.
I'm glad you e got things to look forward to.

Whzts that annoying saying my deputy manager likes to say? Team work makes the dream work!!🤣🤣

@ScatteredMama82

Hi, just wanted to come back and say thank you for all your helpful advice and support yesterday. I had a rollercoaster of emotions all day. We had another long chat last night, we've come up with some plans to look forward to and lots of solutions to help take the load off me and free me up to relax and enjoy life more. My DH is not a selfish prick, or a narcissist or about to run off with another woman as some people suggested.

That sounds like a great update.

My DH is not a selfish prick, or a narcissist or about to run off with another woman as some people suggested.

It’s just a shame that there so many people who just stick the boot in 1st, those posters should be ashamed of themselves.

@ScatteredMama82

The truth is I don't know what I want to happen next. I think I want to try and fix things, but I don't want to feel I can't every criticise him or be angry, or be a bit 'down in the dumps' one day lest I get accused of being miserable.

So would counselling help if you both want to fix things?

Cross post, but I can still see that individual and couples counselling may be a good thing