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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Forgetful, head in the clouds or just a bit of a dick?

30 replies

daintyAF · 10/01/2022 08:26

Heya. I've been dating a guy now for 14 mths. At first it was great - too great maybe. Whirlwind. Looking back it was quite intense, but then things settled down and while it was initially a jolt for him to go from very attentive to very laidback (sometimes quite moody), it felt like we found our groove. We don't live together, both have kids, no plans to move in. Just see each other once or twice a week, texting or the odd call in between, very relaxed. However, he keeps doing this thing that is driving me mad, and I can't work out if he's being a dick or if I'm asking too much. Basically, there have been several times now where I've suggested we do something the next day/day after and he's said he'll need to check something and then let me know. However, he never does this - he never lets me know. At first I'd restrict my own plans in case he came back to me, but now it's so common, I just carry on as though I'm not seeing him. Friday though was kinda hurtful as it was his birthday and I'd got him a gift and was waiting to see if he was coming over. Now in his defence, he's had covid and was waiting to get a negative laterel flow so there had always been a chance he'd have to isolate in his flat but still I said to let me know what his LF test said as if it was neg he could come over. Or I could go to his and drop the gift. I had my boys so wouldn't have been able to stay, but could have given him his gift and wished him a HB. As has happened before, I just never heard from him. He didn't let me know about the test. Am I being unreasonable to be a bit miffed about this? I have brought it up with him the last couple of times he's not contacted me and he just says he doesn't realise he was supposed to be, but is someone really that forgetful? Or does he just not listen to me when I say to let me know? I can't work it out, it's so baffling! Especially as I have raised it before.

OP posts:

MyQuietPlace · 10/01/2022 08:43

It sounds as though perhaps he's seeing someone else on the days he doesn't see you

awesomekilick · 10/01/2022 08:45

Dating elsewhere is my guess too.

Have you had "the talk"?

Journeynotdestination · 10/01/2022 08:46

I couldn’t be doing with this. So disrespectful and/or lazy. I’d bin this one!

supercali77 · 10/01/2022 08:50

If you've mentioned it more than once and he was more than capable of being attentive in the beginning (did he 'forget' then?) Then either hes had a brain problem or hes just being a dick

supercali77 · 10/01/2022 08:51

Ah yeah. As pp said. Id be wondering if there's someone else

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/01/2022 08:52

He targeted you and deliberately so.

You were love bombed by him initially (that was the intensity) and you minimised the red flags apparant at that time as well as now. This moody person is bad news for you. Moodiness is also an example of emotional abuse so for that reason also he now needs to be dumped in the relationship bin.

Raise your relationship bar a lot higher before you start to date again and pay far more attention to red flags. You do not owe anyone a relationship.

Sparkai · 10/01/2022 08:52

Tbh it doesn't really matter why he does this. Is this something you want in a relationship going forward? It won't change. I wouldn't want a relationship like this, so I'd end it

Original poster

daintyAF · 10/01/2022 08:53

@MyQuietPlace

It sounds as though perhaps he's seeing someone else on the days he doesn't see you

Thanks. This did cross my mind but then without sounding naive I don't think that's it. He will still post on social media - stories show he's at home. On the one time I've phoned him to ask why he hasn't let me know his plans, he was 100% at this flat alone.

OP posts:

Original poster

daintyAF · 10/01/2022 08:58

@Journeynotdestination

I couldn’t be doing with this. So disrespectful and/or lazy. I’d bin this one!

This is exactly how I see it. Disrespectful of my time and very selfish. I bring it up with him and be either gets quite angry and defensive or acts all hurt and sad. It makes me not want to bring it up with him again.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 10/01/2022 09:00

Who cares about the why?

You know he knows that being attentive is attractive, that's how he was at first. That is part of what attracted you to him.

Now, he thinks he can put in less effort, appear moody, without any risk that you throw him over.

Will you be ok with his on / off behaviour?

FinallyHere · 10/01/2022 09:02

. It makes me not want to bring it up with him again.

Oh look, this is even worse. He is now training you to accept and not question his behaviour.

Please don't just accept this.

He doesn't have to be questioned. Try why happens if you put in absolutely no effort at all. No, wait, cancel that. Throw him over and find someone you really is interested in you.

Original poster

daintyAF · 10/01/2022 09:05

@FinallyHere

. It makes me not want to bring it up with him again.

Oh look, this is even worse. He is now training you to accept and not question his behaviour.

Please don't just accept this.

He doesn't have to be questioned. Try why happens if you put in absolutely no effort at all. No, wait, cancel that. Throw him over and find someone you really is interested in you.

Haha. All so true. There are times though when he tells me how much he loves me. Is this part of it?

OP posts:

supercali77 · 10/01/2022 09:07

Agreed. Chuck him. As an experiment I might try zero effort from you but the most likely scenario there is that he suddenly starts flapping around you again and you might begin to think he's capable of it long term. He isn't

MrsWooster · 10/01/2022 09:07

“Hi, Fred, I’ve noticed a pattern where you don’t respond when you said you would (eg). Hopefully it’s just an oversight, and I wanted to let you know it makes me feel ignored /unimportant/insert feeling here. I’ll leave it with you to have a think and let’s see how it goes.”

See if his reaction is ‘fair cop’ or ‘fuck off’ and judge who he is.

supercali77 · 10/01/2022 09:09

OP. Words are just words. They're easy and they're how a lot of abusers manage to stay in people's lives. Imagine saying to a kid that gets their needs neglected 'well your parents say they love you ' its a complete nonsense. Love is an active thing.

FlowerArranger · 10/01/2022 09:11

So, if I'm reading this correctly, he has not contacted you since Friday, and it is now Monday. And Friday was his birthday, and he knows that you got him a gift and wanted to see him.

Whatever the reason for his forgetfulness and moodiness, these are not innate characteristics. He chooses to treat you like this. I bet he isn't forgetful and moody at work.

So far he has not had any negative consequences from his total disrespect of you. However, even if you were to put your foot down now, it's too late. A pattern is now firmly established. You need to end this and work on your boundaries for any future relationships.

Jennalong · 10/01/2022 09:15

You say you make arrangements to do something and then he doesn't do them or doesn't come back to you in time ? I'm guessing he is available or just comes over if sex is on the cards ? Dump him.

LeifSan · 10/01/2022 09:20

Well he can’t be that forgetful if he was initially attentive can he? He’s gone from intense and attentive to lukewarm and moody - typical of love bombing. Of course most relationships settle a bit after the initial infatuation but has calmed down but 14 months is not that long really.

Fatherliamdeliverance · 10/01/2022 09:24

He doesn't value your time or prioritise seeing you enough to even say 'sorry, can't do Friday'. No reason for this to improve over time. You can do better.

Original poster

daintyAF · 10/01/2022 09:31

@Jennalong

You say you make arrangements to do something and then he doesn't do them or doesn't come back to you in time ? I'm guessing he is available or just comes over if sex is on the cards ? Dump him.

I don't make arrangements as such. It's very more of a case of "let me know if you're around on Friday and we can do X or X" and he says he will and then he doesn't. And then I ask why and he says he forgets having had the conversation or remembers it a different way.

Thank you for your feedback everyone. I appreciate this very much. I have not know this kind of behaviour before, it is very confusing. I'm normally a very straight down the line sort of person and don't put up with messing. I just feel kind of on the back foot with this one.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/01/2022 10:25

Forgetful, head in the clouds or a bit of a dick.

They are the three options when it comes to who this bloke is.

Rather than trying to work out which one of those three types he is, you need to ask yourself if any of them are the type of person you think you can have a genuinely happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship with.

I couldn't!

BlingLoving · 10/01/2022 10:32

I'm a bit confused, so you'll suggest doing something on say, Friday. He'll say he'll get back to you. He doesn't. So you don't do anything on friday?

So when DO you get together? How does that actually happen? Does he text and suggest dinner and you agree and then it's confirmed? And is this often last minute?

Basically, is this a situation where he sees/speaks to you when HE feels like it. Also he doesn't seem to want to commit to plans in advance - perhaps in case something better comes up?

I couldn't be doing with that. Not in a friendship or a relationship.

LightSpeeds · 10/01/2022 10:39

It sounds like you're doing all the running and he's not that bothered. Maybe don't contact him for a while (or at all).

KittyRedSocks · 10/01/2022 10:49

Oh OP, I feel for you. I've been there. Conditioned to people please & not read the signs from after having a narcissistic parent (only just twigged that & am well over 40), believing I just wanted a 'relaxed' relationship & would ignore red flags over commitment & off behaviour. But it's what you want? I didn't want that but I convinced myself it was fine. Partners that change from overly attentive (love bombing) to low contact-bit distant are likely to be avoidant & not have strong attachments. It will be like this forever & I was too scared to challenge mine. I then got rid, and found someone super happy with commitment & attachment. If this is your first then hats off totally to you. I always say to myself - how do I want to be treated? It's a good reminder. Good Luck OP

Original poster

daintyAF · 10/01/2022 11:39

@BlingLoving

I'm a bit confused, so you'll suggest doing something on say, Friday. He'll say he'll get back to you. He doesn't. So you don't do anything on friday?

So when DO you get together? How does that actually happen? Does he text and suggest dinner and you agree and then it's confirmed? And is this often last minute?

Basically, is this a situation where he sees/speaks to you when HE feels like it. Also he doesn't seem to want to commit to plans in advance - perhaps in case something better comes up?

I couldn't be doing with that. Not in a friendship or a relationship.

There are times I do pin him down to doing things but yes, still me doing the planning. He says he's not good with planning things

OP posts:

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