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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend constantly competing getting me down

34 replies

whenwillthemadnessend · 09/01/2022 23:10

I have a very old friend who is also the mother of my sons close mate growing up. She is a kind person and we have spent a lot of time together over the last 19 years.

But she is driving me slowly bonkers.

For example.
I am size 14 and menopausal I like cycling but I can't get my weight back what it was as a youngster and I've resigned myself to that.
Friend is always going on about how far she has run or what the doctor has said about her fitness and slim shape. She is younger than me and not in meno yet

My son was academically good in primary and did well and her and my son left pretty even pegging however her son has done exceptionally well in his senior exams and has got into a Russel group uni. My son has had some issues due to bullying and some MH issues. Getting resolved now so he hasn't done so great but I'm very proud of why he has achieved so far and he is taking a year out before uni.
My friend though keeps telling me how great her son has done. How his teachers thinks he is wonderful etc etc

Is starting to really hurt my feelings.
She knows my son has struggled the last few years but instead of asking how he is coping and how his treatment is going she just asks what his last exam results were like. Then she will tell me how great her sons were.

My son knows nothing of this. He still loves seeing his mate and no issues there.

But I'm getting really fed up. How can I deal with her

OP posts:
stevalnamechanger · 09/01/2022 23:16

Have you tried talking to her ?

MeanMrMustardSeed · 09/01/2022 23:18

She actually sounds quite mean. Is that friendship worth keeping?

Original poster
whenwillthemadnessend · 09/01/2022 23:20

No I wouldn't know where to start. I'm not sure she is even aware of it It just shows a lack of thought

I have another friend who has struggled with money all her life. My husband does well so I always am mindful of that when I chat to her as I don't want to make her fell bad.

It seems my other friend doesn't even contemplate what's happening in anyone's else's life.

OP posts:
Jisforjuggling · 09/01/2022 23:20

You either ignore what she says or stop seeing her. I have a friend who would get a gold medal for one upmanship. Everything she does has to be bigger, better, more expensive than me. I just play to it now. Complement her on her house renovations, weight loss, new pet, holiday. It’s what she wants to hear and it makes her feel good about herself. I honestly can’t be bothered and I’m very happy in my smaller house, cheaper car etc. There are certain aspects of our lives that I know would turn her green with envy, but I don’t even tell her. It has taken me years to get to the point of not letting it bother me.

LawnFever · 09/01/2022 23:22

Every time she starts bragging about exam results remind her where you’re sons at - refuse to discuss results with her and tell her why.

She’s sounds incredibly self absorbed and lacking in empathy.

Pendolino · 09/01/2022 23:34

Just see as little of her as possible. As your children get older and manage their own relationship, it will become less of an issue.

LonglegsMumtheBlacksmith · 09/01/2022 23:35

We all have a friend like this....you've been to Tenerife ambit she's been to ELEVENerife....
You have a few options;

  1. Distance yourself whilst it's just too much to take
  2. Get bitchy - be sarcastic every time she mentions something, or similar
  3. Just try to focus on the good stuff you like about her. Feel sorry for someone with such little self worth that they have to put others down I would use a touch of all three depending on how the mood takes me. But I am not competitive at all... My friend like this is so much worse than your friend though....(only kidding) Wink
converseandjeans · 09/01/2022 23:39

She sounds thoughtless - when she next asks just tell her how difficult your DS has found these last few years, and that you don't really want to pit the boys against each other academically. Just tell her you're finding it hard when you hear about everyone else's success stories. Hopefully she will get the message eventually ....

Sally872 · 09/01/2022 23:41

Is it possible she is just proud of her son and her running? Are you struggling with cycling and she is telling you about running as alternative? Is she actually making comparisons or is that something you are doing?

Flickflak · 09/01/2022 23:51

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/01/2022 00:50

Sounds like she doesnt think much of herself and gets her validation by besting other people.

I would ignore her when she starts, if she has no audience then there is no reward.

Ionlydomassiveones · 10/01/2022 00:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Pinkbonbon · 10/01/2022 01:16

She is not a nice person.

Usually people that turn your life into a competition are narcissists who surprise, surprise, view you as their competition.

UnsuitableHat · 10/01/2022 01:27

I have a friend a bit like this - tries to boost herself through comparison, needing it to be clear that she’s the better person. I’m not sure why this is necessary for her sense of worth, but apparently it is. It’s hard because it can knock your self esteem and get in the way of a good, equal friendship. Assuming the friendship is generally worth keeping, remind yourself that her need to do this comes from her own insecurity, and ignore/brush off as much as you can. Also maybe try to avoid discussing topics that are particularly likely to stir up this oneupmanship.

Original poster
whenwillthemadnessend · 10/01/2022 06:42

Thank hanks you for the thoughts.
I do want to keep the friendship but I will try to ignore and step back a bit.

It stings more now as

I do have some worries and guilt about my son and wonder if things could have been different if we had chosen a different school etc. But then maybe it would be worse. No one can know

Also none of my other friends make me feel Like this. For example. One is extremely wealthy and another has a very bright child but they dot ram it down my through constantly. They ask how my son is doing before saying much about there's and they listen. It's been this way since babyhood but it's got worse in the last 4 years.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 10/01/2022 06:50

Is she actually competing or is she just proud of her son and you're feeling it more because of your own son's difficulties? Likewise with weight etc.

My friends and I share things and some of us excel in areas where the others aren't faring quite so well but I think we're all just pleased for each other's successes in those areas rather than feeling it as a criticism of our own perceived 'failings'.

I mean, could you be making comparisons where she is not?

GreyCarpet · 10/01/2022 06:57

@LawnFever

Every time she starts bragging about exam results remind her where you’re sons at - refuse to discuss results with her and tell her why.

She’s sounds incredibly self absorbed and lacking in empathy.

Why though?

I would hate for someone to censor what they said to me out of pity - that would be worse surely!

camperqueen54 · 10/01/2022 07:07

I don't have any friends like this. If I did I would be asking myself why I'm that desperate to keep this individual in my life.

UnsuitableHat · 10/01/2022 07:10

The fact that none of your other friends make you feel like this supports the idea that this is ‘her stuff’, not your problem.

Original poster
whenwillthemadnessend · 10/01/2022 07:13

Surely being mindful of what you say to another isn't pity though. It's just kind and thoughtful. It's not like I dont hear about other people successes but it's the way it's delivered I guess

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 10/01/2022 07:29

Well you can either have a chat with her or step back a bit.

It doesn't sound that she is doing it to hurt you, more that she is flatfooted, or insecure herself.

2DogsOnMySofa · 10/01/2022 07:31

Rather than trying to talk to her about it directly, have a conversation about specifics when she starts asking you questions. When she mentions her GP and her fitness, jokingly say 'wait until you're my age and menopausal lol' then have a conversation about how you're struggling to get the weight off etc. the same with your ds, when she asks about his exams, tell her you're really proud of him etc, and why, and that exams aren't the be all and end all. Maybe by doing this she'll realise that actually she's being quite insensitive. Some people get very focused on end results and forget that other people have different views and have their own battles.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 10/01/2022 07:42

Just tell her. 'I know you're proud of your son's exam results, but you know about the issues my son has faced over the year. Please stop going on about exam results - they're not the most important thing ever, and you're making me feel bad.'

She doesn't sound like a great friend.

SunflowerTed · 10/01/2022 08:03

@whenwillthemadnessend

Thank hanks you for the thoughts. I do want to keep the friendship but I will try to ignore and step back a bit.

It stings more now as

I do have some worries and guilt about my son and wonder if things could have been different if we had chosen a different school etc. But then maybe it would be worse. No one can know

Also none of my other friends make me feel Like this. For example. One is extremely wealthy and another has a very bright child but they dot ram it down my through constantly. They ask how my son is doing before saying much about there's and they listen. It's been this way since babyhood but it's got worse in the last 4 years.

Are you sure they it’s not you who is competing? It seems that you are looking for comparisons rather than her? Do you have mum guilt due to your sons problems? Ignore it - your son is who he is and sounds like he has turned a corner. Be proud of him
SunflowerTed · 10/01/2022 08:03

@whenwillthemadnessend

Thank hanks you for the thoughts. I do want to keep the friendship but I will try to ignore and step back a bit.

It stings more now as

I do have some worries and guilt about my son and wonder if things could have been different if we had chosen a different school etc. But then maybe it would be worse. No one can know

Also none of my other friends make me feel Like this. For example. One is extremely wealthy and another has a very bright child but they dot ram it down my through constantly. They ask how my son is doing before saying much about there's and they listen. It's been this way since babyhood but it's got worse in the last 4 years.

Are you sure they it’s not you who is competing? It seems that you are looking for comparisons rather than her? Do you have mum guilt due to your sons problems? Ignore it - your son is who he is and sounds like he has turned a corner. Be proud of him
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