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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He did something 2 years ago, should I be over it?

43 replies

ConfusieSusie · 09/01/2022 10:59

DP has never been perfect, as I expect nobody is. There were some red flags at the beginning of our relationship which, if I were starting all over again, would have identified. Hindsight and all that.
We now have two DDs, aged 5 and 2. Wonderful, well adjusted kids who I love more than anything.

2 years ago, when I brought DD2 home from hospital, DP had just changed jobs and needed to return a laptop to his old job. I suggested, since I was only home from hospital 24hrs, had stitches, couldn't really walk or lift etc., that he have it couriered instead of leaving me for half a day when I was supposed to be healing, feeding and resting, not driving or lifting car seats etc. He roared at me that he had plans to see the lads from his old job to say goodbye, a "lunch" was planned etc. He ended up changing the day that he returned the laptop, and came home after a few hours instead of taking half a day.
Now, here's where it gets worse. I was suspicious at his reaction. Why would get so irate over me asking him to be around in the 48hrs after I came home from hospital? Why was it so necessary for him to go into town and be gone for half a day?
I looked at his phone. Never felt the need before, but this time I did. Turned out, he had plans to meet a random dealer to give him a bag of cannabis to supply to some friends who were "short". This was asked of him as a favour. I read the messages back and forth with this dealer, there was also a tone of him laughing about having another baby and that he was gonna be "busy" for a while, ha ha ha. Yeah, hilarious.

I confronted him on this, he hadn't got a leg to stand on. I was disgusted and horrified at this entire situation. I felt disrespected, laughed at, just awful.
He says we've moved on and I should be over it by now. Should I? Because what I actually want is to throw him in the fucking bin. For that and for probably so many other things that any other person in their right mind would not tolerate. I just feel like I am an utter disappointment and failure to my kids for sticking with this fool for so long.

OP posts:

Jasmine00 · 09/01/2022 11:02

You know what you have to do then..... I'm 3 years after splitting with someone very similar to your husband and the freedom I feel is amazing!! Trust your gut

SarahBellam · 09/01/2022 11:03

It doesn’t matter. You don’t need to be over it. You don’t want to be with him anymore for this and what sounds like a host of other reasons. To be honest, if I found out my DP had sold drugs that would be it for me. He wouldn’t be the man I thought he was.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/01/2022 11:06

You don’t need to be over it, you can split up. But if you choose to stay then you need to let it go otherwise the resentment will kill what’s left of your relationship.

I’d leave him but it doesn’t sound like you want to so try and move on.

TrishM80 · 09/01/2022 11:07

Lesson number one: never get involved with potheads.

Azerothi · 09/01/2022 11:07

If your boyfriend is dealing drugs why would you want your children round him? Doesn't make sense to me. Or are you going to try to say he doesn't deal anymore?

Original poster

ConfusieSusie · 09/01/2022 11:16

Thank you all for validating my feelings. I feel like I'm going mad sometimes.
When this happened, I was obviously very vulnerable physically, mentally and financially (on unpaid mat leave). I then took extended leave when Covid hit to stay home with my kids a bit longer. There was no way out.

Since then, I've returned to work almost one year, got a promotion and now a manager making money I did not think I would be making at 32. Its nothing extraordinary, but it's good for me. He knows I want out.

OP posts:

Ancientdreams · 09/01/2022 11:20

I couldn’t forgive that so no, you shouldn’t be over it. However i don’t see how you can stay with him with your feelings as they are.

Covidcabana · 09/01/2022 11:21

I left my husband with a 2 and a half year old with the last straw being finding he'd been smoking marijuana again after saying he'd stop 3 years prior. Like you there were loads of red flags when I look back.

No one can make the decision for you but although it's been tough I can honestly say it's the best decision I could've made for me and my child. It's hard and trying to leave highlighted a lot of other issues he has that solidified that I was right to leave. I want my child to grow up with the template that a relationship is between two adults who love and respect each other and act with honesty and integrity. She couldn't have had that if I stayed. Even if I never meet someone else, I'd rather she had no template than what my ex and I were able to give her.

You know what's right for you and it's not selfish to follow it. It's so difficult but it helped me to think what would I want my daughter to do if she was me? What do I want to show my child about relationships and how I value myself?

tarasmalatarocks · 09/01/2022 11:23

Move on OP— he sounds a bit of a waster

Original poster

ConfusieSusie · 09/01/2022 11:30

@Covidcabana thats exactly it, I imagine conversations between myself and my daughters when they are young adults, if I am still with their Dad. If they found out what I had been living with, I would feel such shame. That is not the example I want for them. If they were in my situation I would want them to leave their DP, no doubt.

I have never told anyone some of the events that have occurred, because I know they would tell me to leave, and again I would feel shame. Maybe I'm a bit of a coward, I don't know.

This week, I made enquiries re: primary school places and pre-school places for my two girls, in the town where I grew up (30 mins away). I know I could stay with my parents, I know they would welcome us with open arms if I told them the truth.

It's just all the other stuff that comes with leaving. The difficult emotions, the finances, selling our house (which we only ungraded last summer). The embarrassment of people knowing my personal life. I know I would be fine on my own, it's just the journey of getting there that frightens me and makes me so sad for my children.

OP posts:

Original poster

ConfusieSusie · 09/01/2022 11:31

*upgraded

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ANameChangeAgain · 09/01/2022 11:39

In your position I would have upset and furious at finding out the father of my children was a drug dealer. There is not much lower and I wouldn't have been able to stay with him; apart from anything else I would have been worried about the safety of my children.

However, you can't forgive him for two years because it suits your circumstances, then go back to being upset and embarrassed two years later because you are in a better position.
If he is still involved in drugs then absolutely ltb. If you don't want to be with him anymore for any reason than don't be, but you can't make it about something that happened a couple of years ago.

Original poster

ConfusieSusie · 09/01/2022 12:00

@ANameChangeAgain I completely understand and agree with you. However, it is not as thought the issues go dormant for periods of time and then reappear. I am very open with communication in the relationship and he is aware that the trust if effectively gone. He cannot be relied upon for much, to be honest. We can't even socialise together as he cannot regulate his drinking when we are out, and always passes out so I need to babysit him. There are ongoing issues surrounding this and other things, but what took place 2 years ago is the most hurtful and disrespectful thing anyone has ever done to me. I have never told anyone about it, so it has been hard to rationalise over last 2 years.

Obviously this all sounds like a very grim life, which it is. But I have covered it up so incredibly well that it would be so easy to just keep pretending.

OP posts:

Covidcabana · 09/01/2022 17:04

[quote ConfusieSusie]@Covidcabana thats exactly it, I imagine conversations between myself and my daughters when they are young adults, if I am still with their Dad. If they found out what I had been living with, I would feel such shame. That is not the example I want for them. If they were in my situation I would want them to leave their DP, no doubt.

I have never told anyone some of the events that have occurred, because I know they would tell me to leave, and again I would feel shame. Maybe I'm a bit of a coward, I don't know.

You've got your answer. You deserve the love, peace, support and life you want for your daughters.

It sounds like you've got a plan with regards to the school and going to your parents.

I know how difficult it is to face the feeling of having failed at being a wife/being married and the thought of how ashamed you'll be to have the conversation with friends, family, neighbours, nursery staff etc. In reality although some of the conversations are a bit embarrassing/deflating, in the most part I've found people don't push for details or will tell you you're not the first and won't be the last.

I don't subscribe to the idea that just because you forgave it originally you now 'aren't allowed' to be angry. Of course you can! You were extremely vulnerable having just had a baby and I imagine desperately wanted your marriage and family as you'd imagined it to survive. With some distance I've been amazed (and to be honest sometimes disappointed, disgusted and frustrated at times) at things I'd pushed down inside and rationalised were OK during my marriage just because I couldn't face up to the fact that the marriage really wasn't working or meeting my needs. Like you I'd been saying for 2 years that I wasn't happy.

I read it on here and I think it's true - you leave when you can't stay anymore. Only you'll know when you need to go.

It's really cheesy but I just kept thinking that you're such a long time dead and I didn't want the life I had with my husband.

It might not be the case for you but for me, truly, everything (bar having to arrange contact and deal with my exciting behaviour) has been easier without my husband.

Covidcabana · 09/01/2022 17:10

Ha! *ex's behaviour, not my exciting behaviour. I wish!

adollopofthisandthat · 09/01/2022 17:30

I get it - sometimes you are so busy coping at the time that the reality of a situation only hits you later. I am currently in exactly that situation and have asked DH to leave because of it…and I am also amazed/angry with myself that I didn’t deal with some things at the time and now they haunt me so I need to do something about them…take things at the pace you need, the right time will come.

Nailsbythesea · 09/01/2022 17:33

Do you still have copies or the messages -or could you access them?

I'd try to get as much evidence on the drugs as possible.

Cas112 · 09/01/2022 17:38

If it's been two years your clearly not gonna get over it, may as well just end it and move on. It's also unfair to keep dragging it out you either forgive someone or don't but you don't keep in limbo and throwing it in someone's face. Yes what he did was very very wrong but if you stayed with him then you need to get over it or leave not keep your family stuck in a resentful situation

IsThePopeCatholic · 09/01/2022 17:43

He sounds like a complete waste of space. Pack up and go to your parents. Leave him to his drugs and his mates.

Celynfour · 09/01/2022 17:47

A few things
1 describing your (very young ) children as well adjusted . They are too young to be aware of many external things when their needs are being met . That will change very quickly dependant on the environment around them as they grow up .
2 my ex husband had alcohol issues - like you describe couldn’t regulate it . It was utterly soul destroying and it got worse - until one night he woke up one of the children , staggering in and falling over . The next morning as I walked them to school /nursery we stepped over piles of vomit by the gate and on the road from where he’d walked home .
The children have a much better relationship with him (when they do see him and there is love between them all ) for not having to live with either his foibles or my resentment and disdain of him . I suspect they are well adjusted because I didn’t continue with it .

2022HowDoYouDo · 09/01/2022 17:55

Do you want your children growing up with a drug dealer/user and being exposed to the sort of people drug dealers run with? If not I'd move to your mum's now.

billy1966 · 09/01/2022 19:08

He is a waste of space.

You are killing time.

Tell your parents the truth and move on with your life.

You won't regret it.

You WILL regret giving him more of your precious life.

OnaBegonia · 09/01/2022 20:07

Was this a one off? I'm confused because PPs are basically labelling him Escobar here, did he as a one off collect weed for his friends?
Has it ever happened again?
He laughed about being busy with a new baby, how is that awful?
Seems like a huge over reaction.

Original poster

ConfusieSusie · 09/01/2022 20:15

@OnaBegonia he used to dabble in various things before we got together. But to my knowledge it had stopped. Although honestly I wouldn't even have known on the occasion in question had I not checked his phone, so who knows.
It's more that he roared at me when I suggested he stick around because I needed him, his reaction was so outrageous I thought something must've been up. Turns out he just wanted to be the cool guy saving the day and supplying some friends who were in needs. Unfortunately my needs were irrelevant clearly.

OP posts:

Original poster

ConfusieSusie · 09/01/2022 20:16

@OnaBegonia it was more that he was laughing with a drug dealer about me needing help behind my back.

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