He did something 2 years ago, should I be over it?

[ConfusieSusie]

DP has never been perfect, as I expect nobody is. There were some red flags at the beginning of our relationship which, if I were starting all over again, would have identified. Hindsight and all that.
We now have two DDs, aged 5 and 2. Wonderful, well adjusted kids who I love more than anything.

2 years ago, when I brought DD2 home from hospital, DP had just changed jobs and needed to return a laptop to his old job. I suggested, since I was only home from hospital 24hrs, had stitches, couldn't really walk or lift etc., that he have it couriered instead of leaving me for half a day when I was supposed to be healing, feeding and resting, not driving or lifting car seats etc. He roared at me that he had plans to see the lads from his old job to say goodbye, a "lunch" was planned etc. He ended up changing the day that he returned the laptop, and came home after a few hours instead of taking half a day.
Now, here's where it gets worse. I was suspicious at his reaction. Why would get so irate over me asking him to be around in the 48hrs after I came home from hospital? Why was it so necessary for him to go into town and be gone for half a day?
I looked at his phone. Never felt the need before, but this time I did. Turned out, he had plans to meet a random dealer to give him a bag of cannabis to supply to some friends who were "short". This was asked of him as a favour. I read the messages back and forth with this dealer, there was also a tone of him laughing about having another baby and that he was gonna be "busy" for a while, ha ha ha. Yeah, hilarious.

I confronted him on this, he hadn't got a leg to stand on. I was disgusted and horrified at this entire situation. I felt disrespected, laughed at, just awful.
He says we've moved on and I should be over it by now. Should I? Because what I actually want is to throw him in the fucking bin. For that and for probably so many other things that any other person in their right mind would not tolerate. I just feel like I am an utter disappointment and failure to my kids for sticking with this fool for so long.

this dh prioritised getting weed for his friends over his wife and newborn the day they came out of the hospital and lied about it - and roared at his wife when she asked him not to leave. OnaBegonia, I'm not sure what reaction to that would be an over-reaction.

OP, you want to leave him. your know that.

I don't think that was laughing at you, it's a txt msg, lots of folk put 🤣
The roaring is unacceptable but having PPs painting him as a drug lord is extreme.
It's MN even looking at a joint is akin to shooting up heroin.
To still be dwelling on this two whole years later especially if he's done nothing else out of line in that time, to me is obsessive.
Either forget or go, it's no way to live.

[quote ConfusieSusie]@ANameChangeAgain I completely understand and agree with you. However, it is not as thought the issues go dormant for periods of time and then reappear. I am very open with communication in the relationship and he is aware that the trust if effectively gone. He cannot be relied upon for much, to be honest. We can't even socialise together as he cannot regulate his drinking when we are out, and always passes out so I need to babysit him. There are ongoing issues surrounding this and other things, but what took place 2 years ago is the most hurtful and disrespectful thing anyone has ever done to me. I have never told anyone about it, so it has been hard to rationalise over last 2 years.

Obviously this all sounds like a very grim life, which it is. But I have covered it up so incredibly well that it would be so easy to just keep pretending.[/quote]
Tbh this is enough. Take away the drugs, and the going out when you had an hours old baby, and this is still more than enough to kick him into touch.

You can't socialise with him.

Nobody wants a husband they need to babysit. You should be able to go for a drink or to a wedding or a party and not have to babysit your husband.

You deserve better. You mention your DD's a lot and about what they would deserve in a partner and you're right - they deserve better than that. You deserve better than that.

@OnaBegonia unfortunately not just this. To me, the trust is just gone. And once the trust went, so did the intimacy, etc etc.

I just feel past it all now. I've told him I want to separate, he is saying it's my call, my decision. No doubt I will be blamed when any difficult emotions or things need to be navigated, the finger will be pointed at me as the instigator of all the sadness.

@OnaBegonia

I don't think that was laughing at you, it's a txt msg, lots of folk put 🤣 The roaring is unacceptable but having PPs painting him as a drug lord is extreme. It's MN even looking at a joint is akin to shooting up heroin. To still be dwelling on this two whole years later especially if he's done nothing else out of line in that time, to me is obsessive. Either forget or go, it's no way to live.

But if you read OP's post then clearly everything else isn't ok, is it? As she says:

He says we've moved on and I should be over it by now. Should I? Because what I actually want is to throw him in the fucking bin. For that and for probably so many other things that any other person in their right mind would not tolerate.

@youvegottenminuteslynn
When I replied there was only the intial post before the drip feed of all his other shitty behaviour.

[quote OnaBegonia]@youvegottenminuteslynn
When I replied there was only the intial post before the drip feed of all his other shitty behaviour.[/quote]
Ah ok that makes a bit more sense, sorry.

OP,

He roared at you because he wanted to supply weed to friends rather than help you after having a baby?

I would NEVER forget that.

I would NEVER WANT to get over that.

"He showed you EXACTLY who he was when he prioritised supplying weed to friends, rather than supporting you after having his baby, and that is the type of partner he has been since, and you are now done"

You spell it out to anyone who dares to criticise you for wanting rid of this loser.

I wouldn't hesitate to say he threw something violently scaring the baby.

THAT is domestic violence.

You mind yourself.
Contact Women's aid for some support and advice.

@billy1966 I know that, I really do. There have been other things and just a generally deteriorating relationship, but the incident after I came home from hospital was absolutely the straw that broke the camel's back for me.

I feel so uncomfortable in the life I have now. Feel very disconnected from my reality if that makes sense? Suppose I've felt that way for a while. I have not told my family yet, I am worried about how much to tell them, where to draw the line so that I can maintain some level of peace and not create more tension between people. I find all of that part very upsetting.

Take control. There's no way back from this. Stop worrying about what he says or does and what other people think. It will all be yesterdays news soon enough but you will have peace, quiet and a chance of a life.

If you don't jump, you can't land.

Kindly OP,

Stop protecting him and his awful behaviour.

Tell the truth and protect yourself and your baby.

You owe him absolutely nothing.

Keep posting.

The only reason you need for ending the relationship is that you want to end the relationship. Aside from that, you know this man is a waste of breathable air. You're doing your children a favour by leaving him. Your life is on track with work and your promotion, so get out now. The reluctance you are feeling is down to the sunk costs fallacy - look it up and then learn to set it aside.

There is zero shame in leaving a dysfunctional man - it's a good thing to do.

You sound like you are on the right track, you're very clear about the situation and that you don't want to tolerate it any longer.
I think so many women could relate to this line you said

" But I have covered it up so incredibly well that it would be so easy to just keep pretending."

It is really hard to be honest when you're living with crazy. The good news is, once you've made plans to leave you don't need to put on an act with other people or with your kids to make him look better than he is. Save your energy, and also, your kids will need to learn how to manage him in the future, so don't hide the truth from them You'll find your way through. This part is really, really tough, but just keep going, one foot in front of the other You'll need to vent a lot because it doesn't sound like he is able to take any responsibility for his behaviour, and that takes a psychological toll on you when you've been at the receiving end of said bad behaviour. You're strong and you will get through this.

@JustHarriet I completely agree re how hard it is to live with crazy...it is exhausting and a total headf*, but now I'm - just - on the other side of it, my view of the reality is much clearer, not perfect or 100% all the time, but definitely clearer.

@ConfusieSusie I also had a straw that broke the camel's back, it was a tiny thing by comparison to everything that had gone on previously, some of it years ago, but I understand from posters on other threads that is how it goes...one day you suddenly can't put up with any more.

One foot in front of the other, some days will be easier than others but now you know you've had enough you're on your way to a much easier life

@JustHarriet I feel very clear about the situation, it's just so complicated trying to end it. It's as though my feelings are the only clear part of it.

I was dealt a blow today when I received correspondence from the school I want my daughter to move to, that they are unfortunately already oversubscribed and no places for her year this coming September. I have contacted another school but it is a long shot. I feel so deflated.

That is a blow, I'm sorry.
Can you tell the school you have extenuating circumstances, perhaps that will help you get a place for your daughter?

Don't worry too much about censoring what you say to others, just tell the truth. Image management is very much a part of an abusive dynamic where you work hard to keep secrets and manage what other people think. It is not your job to make him or the situation look better than it is. You don't need to feel shame for ending up in this situation, people generally end up in these kinds of relationships because the harmful person presents dishonestly at the start. Is it possible your family would give you support if you could tell them what has been going on?

Keep going one step at a time.

Thank you, I am just trying to cope with the reality that it will simply not be possible for me and my DC to move out if I cannot get DD1 into one of the local schools.
I have explained to their Dad that I have done my best to secure childcare and schooling in my hometown but it is now seeming very difficult due to schools being already oversubscribed etc.
He seems to have taken this as an opportunity to revert back to playing happy families, doing extra around the house, acting like he's loving every minute with the kids. He even started talking about family holidays for the summer and bits that need doing on the house.
What is this behaviour? How can I deal with this???

Anyone any thoughts? I have no idea how to move forward from here and feeling just incredibly sad over it.