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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don’t understand his logic

27 replies

Biggummyballs · 09/01/2022 09:29

I keep having the same problem with my partner of three years (we are both divorced and have DC so live separately.) It goes like this:

I ask him, nicely and supportively whether I can see him more and tell him I am going to miss him or am missing him a lot if he is away

He finds this irritating and a “criticism” and a “complaint” that he is “not good enough.” This causes him to put phone down/not speak to me.

I then respond by giving him space or waiting for him to be back in touch.

He then gets back in touch and is upset with me for not reaching out and resetting things, ie restating everything is fine and I am happy with everything and the amount of time we spend together

It is a cycle that repeats and I don’t know what’s going on. If I was him I would just take my comments as a complement? They are never demanding or an ultimatum, just asking about the possibilities.

OP posts:

TracyMosby · 09/01/2022 09:32

I keep having the same problem with my partner of three years
This is as much information as is actually needed here. You are unhappy and his response is emotionally abusive. Why stay? End the misery. He sounds absolutely awful.

Thhhhheeeeelong · 09/01/2022 09:33

I honestly couldn't put up with this. This is not fun and would be too stressful. Waiting for him to contact you is just not on. I wouldn't continue this relationship.

whitewashing · 09/01/2022 09:34

Why are you tolerating this?

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 09/01/2022 09:35

Are you really settling for a relationship that is so one sided?

surlycurly · 09/01/2022 09:37

This wouldn't work for me. You wouldn't constantly put your hand on a fire so why are you repeating unhealthy and hurtful behaviour with him? Set some healthy boundaries :!'when you ignore what I'm saying and cut me off it makes me feel like this... I'd appreciate it if you didn't do it again'. If he does it again then you know he doesn't respect you or care about your feelings. He has to go if he shows you that.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/01/2022 09:38

I recently posted about someone I had been with for years and the problems with him expecting me to pay for everything because he took early retirement. On reflection, he did this, too. Blamed my work, gym and friends for me not being available to see him. Never made an effort, never spent Saturday nights together as an example. Then moaned that we were distant because I didn't want sex. Well I wouldn't want sex with someone with whom I have no emotional connection.

He's also enjoying having you dancing on a string like a puppet. Again, been chatting to a friend who has a guy putting the phone down/blocking her (a little twist in the tale is they've never actually met, but that's a whole other bonkers story) and then getting upset until he unblocks her and says "you know I will always come back".

They enjoy the control and watching you jump up and down waiting for them to get in touch. So pack it in.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/01/2022 09:40

Why in the fuck are you willingly playing along with these stupid games? Raise your standards, FGS, and get rid of this abusive, petulant man child.

frozendaisy · 09/01/2022 09:44

@Aquamarine1029

Why in the fuck are you willingly playing along with these stupid games? Raise your standards, FGS, and get rid of this abusive, petulant man child.

I was just going to say "fuck that" but this says it much better

Ceramide · 09/01/2022 09:47

He finds this irritating and a “criticism” and a “complaint” that he is “not good enough.”

He is projecting his own fears on to what you said. Most people would take it as a compliment when someone would like to see them more. It's unlikely he will change without a significant effort on his part.

Ddaydday · 09/01/2022 09:49

I’ve recently ended a 5yr relationship due to this exact behaviour. Sadly yes 5yrs. Not all bad, as I’m sure you will have experienced but the backwards mentality, the utter head messing reasons they seem to have is enough to make anyone scream in frustration.
I feel your pain, but I’d def advise walking away from this..it doesn’t get easier.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 09/01/2022 09:51

So he keeps you on tenterhooks, willing to be nice in order to placate the hurry you caused?

Nope! You deserve far better than that. Everyone does.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 09/01/2022 09:51

Hurry = hurt

As in the stuff he makes up to make you feel responsible for his feelings.

Manipulative fuckwittery.

SantaHat · 09/01/2022 09:54

3 years? You’ve been putting up with this shit for 3 years?
This is not a happy, healthy relationship. Stop wasting your time with it. You are worth so much more.

ElectraBlue · 09/01/2022 09:54

He sounds immature and behaves like a bully.

He is not able or willing to listen to your needs and makes no attempt to understand where you coming from. Instead blames you for everything.

This is not a healthy situation.

You sound like a supportive and decent partner and you deserve someone who will appreciate what you have to give. Get rid of him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/01/2022 09:55

Walk away from this dysfunctional mess before you become ever more over invested in it.

Why is your relationship bar this low; has your relationship history been disasterous throughout?. What happened to you to tacitly accept this pitiful excuse for a relationship from him and being reduced to playing along with such games?. Is this all you think or deserve from a relationship?.

CrumpetStrumpet · 09/01/2022 10:39

He's emotionally abusing you. He cannot and does not want to meet your needs for intimacy.

Walk away

HollowTalk · 09/01/2022 10:59

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron I remember your thread. What was the outcome? Would you mind linking to it if you can? I remember thinking that anyone could retire early if they were depending on someone else to fund them!

MintJulia · 09/01/2022 11:03

He wants everything his way. You ask for more and he gets arsey. He wants you to tell him that having his own way is fine and then not raise the issue again.

It isn't ok. You aren't happy but he only cares about what he wants. You've put up with it for 3 years. Are you prepared to put up with living life how he dictates for the next 40?

RantyAunty · 09/01/2022 11:13

Tell this arsehat to piss off for good.

His logic is twattery. That's all you need to know.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/01/2022 11:14

[quote HollowTalk]@ImJustMadAboutSaffron I remember your thread. What was the outcome? Would you mind linking to it if you can? I remember thinking that anyone could retire early if they were depending on someone else to fund them![/quote]
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4439485-Is-he-taking-the-Mick?pg=2

Linked above. I simply told him I've had enough and it stops here. Lots of complaining, but enough was enough for me. He said that "we never have sex" and that would bring us closer, but is he stupid? Cart before horse I think!

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/01/2022 11:18

What I would do, OP, is simply not give him headspace. Focus on the things you want to do for yourself, on your own, with your friends, work, your own projects, house, social life. Make your own plans, and then when he gets in touch, you will be too busy to see him. He's making the assumption that you are sitting waiting for him to initiate stuff.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/01/2022 11:18

His logic is to punish you for asking for what you want by ignoring you. He then blames you for not begging at his feet for more of his attention. Even though that’s what you wanted in the first place. It’s working or you wouldn’t have put up with 3 years of this.

Please think about why you’re allowing yourself to be treated so poorly. You deserve better. Everyone does. You can stop it anytime by dumping him. He’s not good enough for you. You won’t find someone better while you’re wasting time with him.

FishPhish · 09/01/2022 11:20

Sounds like mind games and controlling behaviour

Get rid

k1233 · 09/01/2022 11:28

He then gets back in touch and is upset with me for not reaching out and resetting things, ie restating everything is fine and I am happy with everything and the amount of time we spend together

But you're not happy. You say you'd like to spend more time with him and his reaction is to hang up and blank you and then expect you to go crawling back, asking to be forgiven for expressing your feelings. I'm with the other posters. If it isn't what you want, then end the relationship.

TracyMosby · 09/01/2022 15:50

Op, you cannot put up with this. Stop wasting your life.

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