After 20+ years together just realised DH has ADHD

[Anonymum40]

DD who is 18 was recently diagnosed and put on medication. That is still a struggle but what I am struggling with more is the realisation that DH has it too.

I love him, he's honest, trustworthy and fun but he's never been an easy man to be married to. He's very untidy, he hates making a decision or commitment, he never finishes jobs around the house, he never sees what needs doing without me nagging. In fact I do the vast majority of jobs in the house and with the kids as it's just easier and I get fed up with nagging.

But since I've realised he has ADHD it's really unsettled me. I feel like this is now forever, things are never going to improve, I'm gonna be an old nag forever. I've realised he is super-sensitive to any form of criticism. He tells me I 'shout' all the time - I've realised I don't but that's how he hears it. He has issues with friends and making friends as he has few interests and often finds people boring! That now bugs me as I can see it's all part of the pattern and our retirement is going to be me on my own, not us finding mates together and having joint interests.

I don't know if getting him diagnosed and medicated might help. My DD's psychiatrist said that older people that get diagnosed often get depressed when they realise how much easier life could have been. Right now I feel like I have that depression realising that this is what the issue has been all along and not having realised.

Anyone have similar experiences??

It's really up to him if he wants a dx and meds. Not yours...

My DH is lovely to me and said that the dx changes nothing. It's actually made life easier but if you think it'll suddenly make him find friends and stuff, hmmm, don't think so.

And yes, I'm messy, etc.

Well you could think of it as if you are going to be an old nag forever. OR you could use the information and work out new ways of operating. If he has ADHD your current approach is never going to work. So stop doing it. Find different ways. Pay people to finish the jobs he doesn't. Get a cleaner. Investigate ways to help him plan and remember. Don't overwhelm with choices but get his input on stuff that really matters. Accept that sometimes he genuinely won't care what choice is made and make the decision you want.

You can still have joint interests, they might not be what you initially planned but you can. Would he be interested in pursuing formal diagnosis? It might help him manage things better himself too if he knows that there is an issue.

I can understand you're feeling overwhelmed at the moment. But try and see the opportunity here as well. What you've doing hasn't worked in the past but now you have the chance to try some new approaches because you potentially know something you didn't. This could make things better.

Thank you, just writing the message and having someone acknowledge that I'm OK to be feeling this way was great and you're right I do feel overwhelmed. I do need to be more positive, now I know the issue we can plan to handle things differently...

I'm not too bothered if he gets medication - that's up to him. Just realising that this is the issue has been a revelation in itself - to him as well as me. He doesn't like the idea much and I can't see him pursuing dx but I wonder if we should have counselling or something going forward...

Ooo, just watched the 'How to ADHD video, that's really helpful thanks!

Great video.

Glad it helped OP! I am the ADHD one in my relationship. He has ASD. We knew about him but I was only dx recently. We have both found that understanding our differences as neurological ones we cannot help (which have lead to clashes on both sides) has really helped us to accept that each person sees things really differently and it is not intentionally ‘being annoying’. Explaining stuff to each other about how we think helps too

I was in a similar position and unfortunately we separated about a year after diagnosis. There were other, larger contributing factors but I do understand the feeling that things will never change coming with a diagnosis (my partner felt medication helped them internally initially but there was little change externally except for the noticeable lack of sleep my partner was getting). Up until that point my partner had assured me the time management, disorganisation issues, poor memory for conversations etc. we're due to stress and life changes. When I realised medication was having little impact on our family life I definitely struggled.

After a while and some other difficulties my partner said he believed he was suffering from another condition. At this point he mentioned that he'd been advised during assessment that often when starting ADHD meds this will dampen some symptoms and highlight symptoms that are not to do with ADHD. When we looked into it there is a high chance of co-morbidity with some other conditions (this is especially true with adult ADHD diagnosis if I remember correctly). In fact I believe my ex-partner is now on the assessment pathway for another condition. This might be something for you both to think about or bare in mind throughout the assessment and medication tapering up process.

I'm happy to PM if you need someone to chat to - I know it can be difficult and lonely as the partner because you so want to be supportive (and don't want to be insensitive) so it's difficult to talk to people in real life about the impact on you/the wider family/your future without feeling like you're betraying the privacy of your partner.

OP just saw your update and I would say get counselling now if you can (individually or together). I wish we had at the start. I don't think it would have ultimately changed the outcome for us but think it could have led to a more positive ending.

How does one get diagnosed as an adult?

@Jewel1968

How does one get diagnosed as an adult?

Jewel, for my ex he went to the GP and was then referred on for assessment on the NHS. The whole process took around 9 months for him. From some of the other accounts I've read this is actually quite a quick time frame - I think for NHS assessment it can vary wildly depending where you are.

NHS assessment wait list is currently several yrs in my area of the north west. So 9 months is insanely good.

Clearly you're a martyr... or have never been with someone who makes life intolerable. Regardless of the cause, people don't have to stay in their relationships. Don't be so vile.

sells345
She didn't say that, she said there were other, bigger factors.
She's allowed to leave if she's unhappy. She's just summarising her experiences, don't be so 'judgy'

Should she have stayed unhappily and sacrificed her future?

I am convinced my STBXH has this but never been diagnosed. I wish he had been as it may have made a huge difference in our relationship. I would have realised that he couldn't help being the way he was and not deliberately being lazy or spiteful . And if meds could have helped , it would have been great. I also think it affected his career path too.
He is to be an EX due to his cheating though.

I was recently diagnosed at 52 after my daughter was diagnosed. It helps because I understand my brain finds things tricky - I assumed I was lazy. I have a lot of cleaning help and that resolves the issue of my struggling with some of my executive function issues - she will do some other things like she does my shopping returns.

Relationships are voluntary. People can leave for any reason which means it's not working for them.

Slightly different but my ex husband got diagnosed with Asperger’s after 18 years together. The realisation he wasn’t going to change did unfortunately put the nail in the coffin of the relationship. I’d tried so hard for so many years to make things work but it did impact on me that realisation. Maybe if I’d known at the start it would of been different as I would have had more understanding and the energy to accept certain things, but after 18 years it just wasn’t there. We still get on well but I was so unhappy with the dynamic between us I couldn’t stay.

Yes
son diagnosed last summer

I didn’t believe it to start with
then I did a shed load of reading , and mainly reading stuff from people with asd

realised that my life long anxiety and overwhelm is probably more asd than a mental health problem

and my ex always thought He was dyslexic

I’ve found it more revalatory than depressing