After 20+ years together just realised DH has ADHD

[Anonymum40]

DD who is 18 was recently diagnosed and put on medication. That is still a struggle but what I am struggling with more is the realisation that DH has it too.

I love him, he's honest, trustworthy and fun but he's never been an easy man to be married to. He's very untidy, he hates making a decision or commitment, he never finishes jobs around the house, he never sees what needs doing without me nagging. In fact I do the vast majority of jobs in the house and with the kids as it's just easier and I get fed up with nagging.

But since I've realised he has ADHD it's really unsettled me. I feel like this is now forever, things are never going to improve, I'm gonna be an old nag forever. I've realised he is super-sensitive to any form of criticism. He tells me I 'shout' all the time - I've realised I don't but that's how he hears it. He has issues with friends and making friends as he has few interests and often finds people boring! That now bugs me as I can see it's all part of the pattern and our retirement is going to be me on my own, not us finding mates together and having joint interests.

I don't know if getting him diagnosed and medicated might help. My DD's psychiatrist said that older people that get diagnosed often get depressed when they realise how much easier life could have been. Right now I feel like I have that depression realising that this is what the issue has been all along and not having realised.

Anyone have similar experiences??

If I knew it was basically gonna be like that forever I think I'd have to end the relationship

I’ve lived with my OH for 20 years. He’s always been hugely difficult to live with. His first response for any request for help ( usually with our two daughters) was “no”. Since a roller-coaster few year of covid and the months since has it become apparent that he might have ADHD. It would fit with other family diagnoses happening at a similar time. The problem is that I’m just too weary to start learning to cope with it. ( and if I ever loved him, I can’t remember when it was… any affection has been worn away a li f time ago) My teenage daughters see our struggles and deal with ASD issues of their own. I’d just like to live the post-child rearing age with a bit of respite and with the possibility of meeting someone not so far down the side of the spectrum.

I have very recently been diagnosed with adhd at the age of 38. I've suspected for over 10 years tbh but never had the means for a private diagnosis until late last year.

Having the confirmation of this has been so, so helpful and has given me the "permission" I needed to put more coping strategies in place. I've also started on medication and although I'm not up to full dose yet the change has been huge. I no longer have the everyday utter exhaustion I thought was just normal, I'm able to concentrate and prioritise tasks. My new coping methods are sticking and I'm starting to feel on top of life for the first time. I have a long way to go but it's been a very positive thing for me.

You can't force someone to want a diagnosis but mine has helped a lot.
But no, he won't change.

Been in a very similar situation. The diagnosis did actually change things. It helped me to understand DH more and he was able to recognise my perspective and did work to change. Neither of us will ever be perfect but we are now working well together.

Hi OP.
A little different in our situation, I am in the position of your Dh but I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) which we only realized when I was 43! No official diagnosis, the more we looked into it the more glaringly obvious it was - it just explained everything. By sheer luck I'd been prescribed some of the most commonly used medications for BPD anyway. Once it had sunk in, which honestly took a while, I did feel a little bit like I'd wasted 40 odd years banging my head against a brick wall, always trying to do better and failing, being on an emotional roller coaster all the time, etc.

Dh had already put lots of strategies in place to deal with my BPD, but things got much better when I learned how to help myself. I've just turned 46 now and I'm actually excited about what the future could hold for me now I have a chance to 'live.' I do hope you can get your dh on board, diagnosis etc could make his life immeasurably better - and yours!

My OH was diagnosed 3 years ago in his 50s.
We both just assumed he was odd and quirky.
He is very messy, forgets about things he is cooking, struggles with writing.
It came to a head at work- he is respected in the company he works for, has amazing problem solving skills - he is technical IT- and great at thinking outside the box.
But was getting himself in a tangle with report writing. His boss latched onto this and decided to investigate.
He was sent to a private psychologist where the diagnosis was made.
He then had some follow up sessions with a counsellor to talk through his feelings and make suggestions of help.
As a result his boss streamlined the reporting procedure , set in prompts, simpler forms, initiating the admin work in smaller bite sized pieces so backlogs wouldn't happen. It all worked amazingly well, his work have been fantastic.
We also did a big review of the house too- all our posessions have a place, shelves in the garage with labels, so when items are out of place- say a screwdriver or a bottle of screenwash or roll of sellotape are left out there is always a set place where they are stored, making tidying up much easier.
If you saw our garage or house you would think two tidy people lived here- but no- we are two ( myself included) very untidy people who have a system in place to stop the clutter.

Overall having my OHs diagnosis has made life a lot easier for him ( and me!).

I had a dx at 50 of adhd and autism and went through a period of grieving as it was just after the death of my father
it explained so many of my actions, not excusing them but explaining them

I am currently on a high dose of drugs which have helped massively in that they help maintain my focus

I use the hyper focus element to my advantage in many ways of my work and life