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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Well, it appears I have upset my whole family already, and the Christmas get togethers have not yet started!

27 replies

Pinkchampagne · 23/12/2007 18:51

Tomorrow I am going to my sister's house for lunch with the rest of my family, to do something different as it will be the first year without Nan.
I mailed her in the week to ask what time she wanted us, and she replied mid-day, unless we wanted to go to the Christingle service, which starts at 11am.

I am spending Christmas Eve & Christmas Day with my family, and ex H will be around as he is still considered a big family member my the rest of my family, who refuse to accept my new relationship. I will do this for the boys though, and to keep the peace.

Tonight ex H has the boys, so I arranged to go over to stay at my boyfriend's house (he lives 25 miles away), as I won't see much of him over the Christmas period, and planned to get home for around 9.30 - 10 am.

Today I received a text from mum to say we were to be at my sister's for 9.30 am (she lives a 45 min drive from us), and I told her this was too early, but I would meet them there around lunchtime. I then text my sister the same message.

I then received a text from mum, saying "I thought we were going to try to make things different because of Nan, but maybe not"

My sister then text saying I had upset mum & we were all meant to be looking after her, so mum had obviously been on the phone, and my sister was cross with me!

I have now said I would meet them at the church at 11am as I was fed up of being the bad one, but I am not getting there for 9.30am.

Mum hasn't got back to me, and I know the whole family will be angry with me - especially dad.

I have been very upset, and am missing my Nan loads too.
I don't think I will be able to handle the next few days.

OP posts:
tribpot · 23/12/2007 19:01

So it is business as usual in the PC family household. With the exception - and I have to say I am both amazed and impressed by this - that you aren't changing your plans to accommodate them. This is an incredible sea change in your life and I am honestly thrilled for you, well done you!

Obviously your monstrous family are trotting out the usual line in emotional blackmail, quelle grande surprise. But you are sticking to your guns and why shouldn't you. Moreover, I didn't know your nan but my feeling is that what she wanted for you was to be a happy and fulfilled individual, not a victim to your family's tyranny. So in sticking two fingers up to them, you are actually celebrating your nan's life in the best way possible.

They're going to be angry whatever you do, because you are shaking off their control of you. So you might as well do what you like and be in the wrong, instead of trying to please them and still be in the wrong. You sound like a different person entirely from you two years ago, and thank god for it! Enjoy xxx

CarGirl · 23/12/2007 19:01

please please please try and ignore the emotional blackmail. They agreed times with you, you've made arrangements, they've now changed the goal posts.

I wish you strength, courage and chocolate cake to survive.

Freckle · 23/12/2007 19:02

Oh yes you will. You can bet your bottom dollar that your mum knows where you will be, so she is deliberately trying to scupper your plans with NM.

Your family is so manipulative. You just have to stick to your guns and continue with your plans as arranged. Tell your mum that you had already arranged times with your sister and that you cannot now change your arrangements.

If you stick to your guns over this, your family will more likely accept that you are your own person and give you less grief over future events.

lou33 · 23/12/2007 19:03

well done for not changing your plans

i have a feeling they are only doing this because of your new man

dont let them make you feel bad, you are allowed to do what you want as well

missingtheaction · 23/12/2007 19:03
  • sounds like everyone is very touchy. texts aren't a great way to communicate when you are emotional - you don't get the chance to make sure the recipient understands why or how you feel, or for you to gague how important the issue is to the person you are texting. Try not to get upset yourself - if you are fair to everyone and generous in your actions and thoughtfulness you will feel so much happier. Your mum and you are both missing your nan - let that bring you together, don't let it be a tool to drive you apart
CarGirl · 23/12/2007 19:06

Missing..........have you had the low down on PC family?

I too think it's because they've realised you will be all loved up with NM. Yep the more you stand up to them the less they will try to control you in the future.

Happy Christmas!

BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 23/12/2007 19:07

MIA

Are you actually aware of the background to this post. ???

PinkChampagne

You stick to your guns, or I will kill you...

LIZS · 23/12/2007 19:37

Why would losing your nan change things ? Your dad is on hand too iirc. It is them changing the arrangements not you, don't rise to it. They have no right to be angry.

lizziemun · 23/12/2007 19:55

Missinginaction

Pinkchampagne is fair to everyone in her family, unfortunley they are not fair to her. They have no regard for her feelings as long as they get what they want.

Pinkchampagne enjoy your time with your new man and try to remember when with you are with your family over christmas it's only a few days.

P.S run for cover if they bring out the holiday brochers (sp) for next year .

warthog · 23/12/2007 19:57

i am shocked at the manipulation your mum is quite happy to wield to get you to do what she wants.

i think you're absolutely spot on, compromising at 11am. but they need to get it through their heads that you have moved on.

why do they have so little respect for you?

catsmother · 23/12/2007 21:25

PC .... I don't know your background but Christ Almighty, I hardly think the world is going to end because you arrive somewhere 1.5 hours later than is demanded of you (after the goalposts have been changed). It's clear just from those facts that your family are manipulative .... it's something of no consequence and normal people would hardly get the hump about it.

discoverlife · 23/12/2007 21:37

I would actually rub it in. arrive with a wistful, fullfilled look on your face (maybe a love bite on your neck). Dont let them get at you, you are the one who was shagged silly the night before, show it. At least you won't end up looking like a piched faced prune.

VVVExcitedAboutChristmasQV · 23/12/2007 21:44

God everything has to revolve around them doesnt it?

Glad you are sticking to your plans. Quite right too. WTF difference does it make to them if you turn up an hour and a half later? Honestly?

OR

could you turn up at 9.30am, but with your new man in tow.....?

chrissnow · 23/12/2007 21:44

PC - Good luck to you. Have a great time with the new fella, make the best of it with the rellies!! Don't let them get to ya. My cousin is in almost the same situation. Should I manage to get to see her this christmas I will be letting her know she has my support!!
I too miss my nan at this time of year but when you are the 'reasonable' one people don't seem to realise do they?

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 24/12/2007 10:05

Thank you for all your replies, and sorry not to get back on last night, but NM came to pick me up not long after I typed my post out.

I got home about 15 mins ago, and will be leaving in a bit, but am not looking forward to it one bit!

If they all get on at me today, I have decided to come home right away. I am feeling the upset of my Nan not being here this Christmas too, and was very upset that they used emotional blackmail about Nan, to try to make me feel bad.
Nan wouldn't have wanted it to be like this.

Would have phoned them yesterday, but knew I would get myself in a worse state, and the boys were already concerned that I was upset.

Thank you all for your support. I will try my best to stay calm today!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 24/12/2007 10:10

Oh, and Mum & my sister know I was with NM last night because I told them! It is no secret at the end of the day, and if I can't have him included in family occassions over Christmas, then I will see him when I can!

OP posts:
Freckle · 24/12/2007 10:24

Well done you. Just try and rise above the barbs and, if they don't let up, just gather up your boys and go home. Then you can have a lovely time with just the 3 of you.

VVVExcitedAboutChristmasQV · 24/12/2007 10:29

Of course your nan wouldnt have wanted to be used this way.

At the risk of being just as bad as them - it wouldnt hurt to tell them occasionally that your Nan wouldnt want them to treat you in such a manner/be unhappy.

Have a good Christmas PC. Remember - you dont have to do anything you dont want to.

bamamama · 24/12/2007 10:39

PC - I have seen your posts over the last few months but haven't had much of use to add. I would like to say though (as it's Christmas an' all ) that I really hope you manage to get the better of your family this Christmas. You know your Nan would want you to be happy so keep that in mind when your mother starts throwing the crap about. Enjoy your Christmas and enjoy your NM!
See, told you I didn't have that much of use to add!

ally90 · 24/12/2007 16:25

Here! for manipulative families!

Hope all goes well, v upsetting when emotional blackmail uses someone who is now passed away. And don't take any rubbish, get straight out, even if they are carving the turkey!!

From what other posters have said it seems you are really starting to hold your own against them. Well done you...its bloody hard work!

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 24/12/2007 20:10

Well, I got through today without any major family dramas, which was a positive.

I am now back home with the boys, and the rest of my family & ex H are having Christmas drinks back at my parents house!

OP posts:
lou33 · 24/12/2007 20:15

you sound like you have the better option tho

MariNativityPlay · 24/12/2007 20:22

I am definitely with discoverlife on this one PC. I think what was really bugging them was the thought of you spending happy, romantic quality time with a man whom they can't use to control you.
I hope you had a superb time with your boyfriend on Sunday night and they all looked like they'd been sucking lemons when you rolled up to church

MariNativityPlay · 24/12/2007 20:23

Oh, x-posted! Glad you are home and unscathed Hope 2008 is a really good year for you PC

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 25/12/2007 00:38

Thank you. I hope it is better than 2007, but I guess I did meet new man in 2007, so it's not all bad!

OP posts:
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