My partner, my abuser

[SeasideMummy1]

First want to apologise this post is so long just needed to talk to someone, Following on from my last post, this week has been awful I’ve been laid up in bed because my partner hurt my foot a few nights ago , he didn’t think he caused much damage but then realised he had when it was swollen the next day and awfully painful to put any weight on and wakes me throughout the night with the pain, he has since apologised for not only this but for everything lately ( in my other post I explained how Christmas had been bad) he has physically hurt me 3 times in the last 3 weeks that’s more than any other time he said it was the pressure at work over the festive season etc got to him.
I’m just feeling very down today and wanted to talk to someone as it’s very lonely being in this situation. Whilst I’ve been resting in bed I’ve been thinking a lot about how things have gotten to this point, many years ago I was confident had friends , could do what I wanted basically. Now 12 years with this man I don’t know who I am anymore, I have realised recently that I am scared of him. He threatens me quite a lot and usually he is holding me by the hair whilst doing this.
He hasn’t done it for a while and last time he did when I was really ill and weak he said it was the last time but he sometimes reduces my food or makes me skip a meal , this week he’s thrown me a packet of crisps in the morning for lunch before he leaves with the kids and tells me don’t eat too many crisps or I’ll get fat making me question am I meant to eat them or not. My foot is slightly better today so I can get downstairs to make a sandwich etc
I’ve had bad thoughts in the past about how if I could get out to the shop I would have to shoplift some food because I’d had no money ( this was in the past when I was feeling very weak and desperate) I didn’t actually go and do this but the thoughts did go through my head and I feel rubbish about feeling this as it’s just not me.

Not sure the point of this post i just needed to talk I know leaving is something I need to really consider but as you know it’s not that simple .

Thanks for listening

This person is your partner ????
He’s a criminal. If I was to come and hold you by the hair, kick, you, hit you, what would you do ? Call the police and get me arrested.
You need to do the same with him. It is one small step to him killing you.
You should get your ankle examined in A&E and while there say you need privacy with a dr or nurse and tell them it is a non accidental injury.
Please get yourself and your children away from this abuser before he kills you.

OP, is this real?

I'm going to use a really simple example from your post. You don't know if you should eat a bag of crisps or you might get fat. Because you've been told you will. And you now think this.

Now. You know quite clearly that one bag of crisps is bugger all in terms of a meal. As an adult you know that.

So if you're saying, that you truly have to question this, because of how someone has battered you down to believe this, then you need to leave and you need to leave now.

No, it's not as simple as walking straight out of the door, I completely get that. But make the first step of leaving. Today.

If you can’t leave get him arrested then he will leave.

You are not alone. He has isolated you and made you feel alone - but there is help out there.

When you said about 'not sure if I'm meant to eat the crisps or not' - it reminded me of a previous abusive relationship i was in when i used to cry in the supermarket so unsure of what i was meant to be buying knowing that i would get it wrong and he would shout at me and throw the food at me. But he would give me instructions and somehow i felt it was up to me to not get them wrong .

It's no way to live.

It's not easy leaving, and i didn't have kids with my ex, but I remain thankful every day that I am away from him.

You are worthy, you deserve to be happy, to be free. You should never be scared of the person who is meant to love you.

Just make one first step today. Call Woman's Aid if he's out the house. Or use their online web chat. Or perhaps set up a new bank account just in your name. Talk to CAB about what benefits you might be entitled to. Just do one thing that nudges you a little closer to being free from him.

I know leaving feels overwhelming. Too much for you to cope with. But just do one little thing that makes you feel more confident in your ability to be free from him. And then tomorrow do another thing. And talk to people. Helplines, your local DV shelter, samaritans, mumsnet - keep posting.

Slowly slowly start to break your way out. There is another life out there for you and your kids. Away from him. He won't change. It won't get better. But you can make it better. You can be away from him. But do it safely. Plan, tell people, call the police. Do whatever feels right to you - but do something. Don't let another year pass with someone who treats you like this

Keep posting. Sending love from a stranger.

Ring the police, ring women’s aid, ring Shelter. Do something to get out of there!

Hi SeasideMummy1,

We're sorry you're going through such a traumatic time.

We can see you're getting lots of good advice and support from other Mumsnetters but we just thought we'd add some links to organisations which can give you some support in real life.

First of all, here's a link to our domestic violence webguide.

We'd also urge you to get in touch with Women's Aid. Their 24-hour helpline number is 0808 2000 247, and they have a new online chat support service which operates 10:00am - 6:00pm every day.

It's also worth checking out the Freedom Programme - we know it's helped many MNers over the years so please click on the link.

If you do ever feel you're in immediate danger, call 999. If you’re unable to speak to the operator, press 55 to let them know you need help.

We really hope you're okay, OP.

He's assaulted you and probably broken your foot.

When he's out, could you phone the police?

You are suffering serious domestic abuse, but there is help out there.

Can you get to a walkin clinic to have your foot assessed? By taxi perhaps, while he is out. You can disclose how it happened in a safe place there.

Seriously? It's escalated over the last few weeks, it will escalate more. You need to get the fuck out.

Where are your family, can they help?

If this is real, you need to get out today
You are NOT a dog to be thrown scraps of food at

To be deprived of food , money for basics ? !
Please take what you need and walk away today

Today , please

Before he kills you

Thank you for your replies, in response to some of your questions yes it’s real and he has been abusive approx 10 years I’ve only just clearing it in my head recently what he is and what’s going on. For some of you who may not have seen my first post , my family live around 3 hours away in the city we moved to the coast around 4 years ago because he promised a new start new life etc so we don’t really see family and the relationship isn’t great we are not close and his family again live far away and don’t really get on his mother has witnessed him being awful to me even physically many years ago but she doesn’t care and says I must of wound him up etc , reading back on this it does sound bad but it’s not bad all the time I’m just trying to work stuff out in my head because it’s very difficult to plan leaving with no money or family/ friends, however I will try and contact woman’s aid next week to talk to them about everything thank you all for listening it does mean a lot to be able to talk about this

Even if he treates you like a princess 99% of the time you should leave.

Abuse is abuse. The only level acceptable is ZERO.

Try and remember that if you have doubts.

You can analyse the whys later.

For now, you need to plan an exit, and please don't tell him.

Also, you're doing the right thing sharing here, you'll get good advice and support. Is there anyone in real life you can tell? Who won't tell him?

Break things down into little steps, you are brave, you're here after all and that's a good sign

He sound's dreadful and sound's like your confidence and self worth are pretty much zero.
Definitely get out of this abusive relationship have you children together

it does sound bad but it’s not bad all the time

It shouldn't be bad any of the time

He could be charged with assault he has seriously hurt you

Please call women's aid op

Please listen to advice. He is going to kill you one day. Maybe not tomorrow or next week. Please get out. Your life may depend on it. Your family wouldn't want you to suffer like this. Go home if you can run run don't look back xx

@butterpuffed

it does sound bad but it’s not bad all the time

It shouldn't be bad any of the time

The only acceptable level of abuse is .... ZERO.

OP words fail me. This man is not your partner he is an abuser. Please please find the strength to leave him. I promise you things are so much better on the other side. What if he began to abuse your kids would you accept that? You are still that strong woman you where 12 years ago she is still in there. Do not accept this. Ring the police say you dont feel safe. Get your family to take you and the kids away somewhere safe for now. You are worth so much more than this. What quality of lofe do you have if any? You are only here once. Go and be safe with your kids away from this horrible person who takes his own issues out on you.

Sending you strength as this sounds unbearable and quite scary. You are in an abusive relationship and one that is very dangerous.

It will feel difficult but you absolutely need to seek support.

It might help you to watch some YouTube videos on narcissistic abuse, it will open your eyes and you will realise you are not in the wrong. You are a victim of emotional and physical abuse. The more you can educate yourself the more you will find strength to act.

Don't put off getting help, women's aid is brilliant and will guide you with your options and build up your confidence to act. You can do it :) I'm sure you will fell confused and a whole mix of emotions but that is exactly how abuse leaves people feeling, which means the cycle continues. This will never stop. It will get worse. Honour yourself and take steps to leave / escape.

If you are unsafe or fearful at any point call the police immediately.

Hopefully you can see everyone is shocked and extremely concerned for you. Heart goes out to you

Op this man belongs in jail.
Please think what you would do if your child ended up in a relationship like this. With a person who could kill them. What would you tell them to do? Be aware that by staying with this man, it is very likely they will think this shit is normal - and end up in an abusive relationship too.

Please take photos of your injuries and speak to womens aid. Honestly though op, you should call the police before he kills you.

He does not hurt you because of stress. He just wants you to think that so that you continue to excuse it. He hurts you because it makes him feel powerful and because he wants to scare and control you.

He knows what he is doing and he intends to do it. It is not a loss of control. It is to deliberately hurt, scare and abuse you. Because - he is an evil human being.

You say you are not close to your family but, I don't care how distant you are from someone, you you show up on their door after being beaten by your husband, they should take you in and shelter you from him. Unless they are cut from a simar cloth to him and so, condone abuse. I would take in a stranger from the street who had been abused, let alone family. Please reach out to them too any old friends who would be supportive.

Also qgree with pp about learning about narcissistic abuse. But really your paryicular situation is so severe that you need to get out first and foremost.

Also be careful to never use the word narcissist or abuser (or sociopath, which he also clearly is) when speaking to him as he will likely turn it round on you.

If I gave you a pack of Christ’s and told you not to eat as you would get fat, then stamp on your leg till it fractured, and then pulled you by the hair, would you say it was ok or would you call the police on me because I was clearly in the wrong?

You see my ex was like yours and I left when I got help at a womens refuge some years ago. I also got financial help until I got my first job. But one of the women at the refuge asked me what I just asked you because I found it hard to stay away from my ex because I believed he loved me, and excused his behaviour.

No one on this planet is entitled to abuse you, no one. And hun, life became so wonderful once I left my ex. Yours will to. Get on the phone to your local woman’s aid and get the foot checked as it sounds like it’s fractured. Or better still if you have the strength go to your local police station and tell them you can’t go back home as they will contact the local council who are able to assist you and help you get into a refuge. That is how I did it when I left my abusive husband in 2012. Just leave him this is not love

OP please leave. He is abusing you. He is assaulting you. He is cutting you off from friends and family. He is belittling you. I have been where you are. I put up with everything for way too long because it seemed complicated and it seemed so unfair to him. It really wasn't. Life is so so much better without him. You have some great advice on here. Call Women's Aid, call the Police, call your friends and family. Run.