My partner, my abuser

[SeasideMummy1]

First want to apologise this post is so long just needed to talk to someone, Following on from my last post, this week has been awful I’ve been laid up in bed because my partner hurt my foot a few nights ago , he didn’t think he caused much damage but then realised he had when it was swollen the next day and awfully painful to put any weight on and wakes me throughout the night with the pain, he has since apologised for not only this but for everything lately ( in my other post I explained how Christmas had been bad) he has physically hurt me 3 times in the last 3 weeks that’s more than any other time he said it was the pressure at work over the festive season etc got to him.
I’m just feeling very down today and wanted to talk to someone as it’s very lonely being in this situation. Whilst I’ve been resting in bed I’ve been thinking a lot about how things have gotten to this point, many years ago I was confident had friends , could do what I wanted basically. Now 12 years with this man I don’t know who I am anymore, I have realised recently that I am scared of him. He threatens me quite a lot and usually he is holding me by the hair whilst doing this.
He hasn’t done it for a while and last time he did when I was really ill and weak he said it was the last time but he sometimes reduces my food or makes me skip a meal , this week he’s thrown me a packet of crisps in the morning for lunch before he leaves with the kids and tells me don’t eat too many crisps or I’ll get fat making me question am I meant to eat them or not. My foot is slightly better today so I can get downstairs to make a sandwich etc
I’ve had bad thoughts in the past about how if I could get out to the shop I would have to shoplift some food because I’d had no money ( this was in the past when I was feeling very weak and desperate) I didn’t actually go and do this but the thoughts did go through my head and I feel rubbish about feeling this as it’s just not me.

Not sure the point of this post i just needed to talk I know leaving is something I need to really consider but as you know it’s not that simple .

Thanks for listening

I know it feels impossible to leave when you don't have any money or anyone to help. BUT there are services out there who can help you do it. Call woman's aid. Or Google your local domestic abuse service. They can find you a place to stay. I'm not saying it it will be easy but it's better than staying with someone who may kill you eventually. I promise you. He's made you so insecure that you're thankful for the times he is being "nice" but I bet you're constantly scared of when the nice bit will stop. Its no way to live.

Op why is he allowed to do this to you?
As many others have said, if a stranger did this, I'm sure you would call the police.

How is he towards your children?

Oh no, op, this is not right. Imagine your sister, daughter or friend coming to you and listing off what you’ve told us.
How would you advise her?

@newyearBear

Op why is he allowed to do this to you? As many others have said, if a stranger did this, I'm sure you would call the police.

How is he towards your children?

It will be hard to believe but he actually is good to the children , yes he gets annoyed sometimes like any parent but overall he is a good dad, the only thing I would say is sometimes it feels like he uses them against me, a few examples is when things are bad he will ‘ get them on side ‘ if you like by getting them stuff such as Netflix etc ( we didn’t have that before but when things were pretty bad between me and him, he bought this and the kids were really happy etc also sometimes he leaves me out of things for example he would make them lunch and himself and bring it in , didn’t make me anything , this happened a couple of times, once eldest child asked wheres mummy’s and his response was she knows where the kitchen is. I felt so shit that day going into the kitchen to make something to the point of I didn’t even enjoy lunch or feel like I wanted it , he makes me feel alone when he does stuff like that . I really appreciate all the responses I have got on here , kindness from complete strangers it means a lot

He isn't good to your children.

He abuses, controls and belittles their mother.

He assaults and injures her. Sometimes so badly she can barely walk.

He uses to punish her by encouraging them to 'side' with him.

He gives them food on occasion while restricting their mother's diet.

He is showing them through his actions that women exist to cook, clean, care for children and do as they are told. And that men exist to do as they please.

The fact you can even think of saying he is good to your children shows how much he has ground you down, clouded your thinking and abused you.

The longer you stay with him, the more likely it is that your children will replicate this relationship dynamic as adults.

Oh you poor thing OP this is just awful. Please please find a way to get yourself and your children away from this vile man.

Op it's actually child abuse that he beats their mum. That's not a good dad. It doesn't matter how nice he is to them, he beats and abuses their mother. Don't you think that has an impact on them? And don't kid yourself that they don't know how shit he treats you.

On the off chance they escape serious emotional harm and lifelong mental health issues as as result of this, they will still grow up thinking this shit is normal and that its OK for men to abuse women.

That's not a good dad.

He's a fcker

He must go

Get to police
Remove the bast---

My ex broke my toe and my gosh the pain
The humiliation

He got away with it all as he convinced me it was all my fault

This fckwit is gaslighting you long term
He needs jail