'setting a deadline' - have you?

[superlola]

I could really use some help and advice. Namechanged as other posts might out me.

Been with DH a LONG time - over 20 years. Four kids. We've had our challenges (bereavements, extended family issues, financial issues) but our relationship has always weathered these - or they have until now.

The past couple of years have been particularly difficult for DH professionally. He's made mistakes and choices that have been really misguided, ones that have negatively affected not just our family income and lifestyle, but also how he behaves - when he is stressed he has a horrible temper and gets very grumpy etc.

He is taking steps to improve things, but increasingly I just feel like I am done, and I've never felt like this before. It seems I can't forgive some of the mistakes he's made and how he takes his stress out on me and the kids and feel massively resentful. Because I recognise part of how I'm feeling might be due to circumstances or how I'm handling things myself, I want to set myself a mental deadline to see where we are in, I don't know - three months? Six months? - with the mindset that if I am STILL feeling unhappy by that date, it might seriously be time to consider if our marriage can continue. It breaks my heart to type that.

Anyway - sorry this is long. Has anyone ever set a similar deadline, and what helped you? I veer between trying to brush everything under the carpet and function as normal and simply feeling like I'll never get past this.

Honestly. life's too short.

If you're unhappy then something needs to change.

Life being difficult doesn't give you the right to take it out on your family........

Thanks @BoodleBug51

I agree life is too short to be unhappy. However, it would be crazy of me not to try to make this work for our family. I suppose part of the issue is that there are no huge deal breakers involved here - no infidelity or abuse. Instead it feels like we are in a big rocky patch (part circumstances, part how DH behaves) - and I've always coped with other rocky patches in the past....

Could you go to marriage counselling?

I haven't been there as haven't been in that long a relationship, but I watched a programme last night where a couple spoke about the man's descent into depression in a similarly long marriage with children.
She told him to go to the doctor or she was gone, he went and obviously it was gradual but things are much improved for both of them now.
Although she is still very clear that if it returns and he buries his head in the sand again and doesn't seek help she will walk.
Would your DH be receptive to that type of conversation?
I know it's life circumstances causing his stress and temper but he does need to learn/re-learn how to cope with his emotions without using you and your children as emotional bins.
Any frustration or anger you feel towards him re his poor choices will not dissipate if he continues being unpleasant to be around.

@frazzledasarock and @M0rT

• thank you both. He knows I'm unhappy with the current situation, but perhaps not to the full extent. I think he thinks that once his work situation improves then he will be less grumpy/stressed and I will be happier. That's true, but I feel like something in me has really shifted lately - hence setting the deadline to give me time to work it out. I guess in the past I've always felt like our relationship would be okay, and I no longer feel this.

Can you try some counselling first. Speaking to a trained person might help with

• your feelings about the resentments (can you let it go)
• his behaviour (can you find a way to not let it upset you)
• how to talk to him about how his behaviour affects you (will he change)
• and finally if it’s now time to call it quits.

That would probably take three to six months anyway

If counselling is too expensive, and NHS waiting times too long perhaps try to boil down each problem and deal with each separately and in appropriate order. Ie first step- buy a book about letting go of resentment, second step - eg book on how to communicate in a marriage. Etc and so on. I’ve heard of the freedom course mentioned on MN.

If you can break down the problems and Marshall your thoughts on how you feel about each one - then the solution to stay or go might become obvious.

Best of luck

I think this is a really tricky one, because if you set your own deadline in your own head - nothing is likely to change because your husband isn't aware of what you're thinking.
However - if you tell your husband that he has a time limit - that is likely to put huge amount of stress on top of the issues he's already dealing with - so potentially equally unhelpful.

I feel for you, it may be just a prolonged rocky patch that eventually things will improve and you'll be happy together again. On the other hand - if you hang around an wait and see what happens you could feel like you've just wasted time - or as you get older find it increasingly difficult to leave.

I would honestly recommend relationship counselling - but just on your own to begin with. The counsellor can help you with your own feelings - then potentially you can enter into couples counselling with your husband if he's willing and if you and the counsellor think that may help.

@sleepymum50 - I know we should go to counselling, though DH is the type of person who would absolutely hate it and I suspect I'd have to drag him there Obviously he'd do it if the alternative is us splitting up though.

@Bypassed21 - you've really nailed it there I think. I can't work out if this is just a big rocky patch or the beginning of the end, but I am loathe to add to all our existing stress if it's the former.

I think you are right. I saw a therapist before having kids to help me address some anxiety issues I have and found it enormously helpful. It would probably help me to make more sense of where I'm at right now in my own mind.

So, just to question people further, yes to me seeking counselling alone and then most likely with DH. But what other advice could people offer? If your relationship was in a bad place, what did you do? Compartmentalise? Try to focus on the positive?

I feel like I'm struggling to pull myself OUT of my own negative feelings.

You going to counselling alone won’t change him. Buy it might help you work out what you want.

You both going to counselling together won’t change him. He will just think that the act of attending counselling is the change you wanted . That’s he’s doing you a favour by going when he hates it and and now you have to do something he wants to pay him back.

Honestly @superlola just take it one step at a time. Look into finding a counsellor first. Try not to make any definite decisions.
Believe me I know how you feel - the pressure you put yourself under in this situation to "make a decision" is massive and you can feel trapped by in-decision.

I reached out to Relate - and they put me in touch with a local counsellor. Bear in mind there is likely to be a wait for an appointment - and probably all sessions will be virtual ATM rather than face to face.
In the meantime a book called Too bad to stay - too good to leave is very good.

@Bypassed21 - thank you. I hope your situation improved and counselling helped you? I think your advice to 'take it one step at a time' is really wise. I know people's instincts might be - 'you're unhappy, so LTB' but it's not as simple as that, particularly when there are kids involved.

I guess ultimately we've had ups and downs before, but we've always got through the more challenging times, and I've always had faith that things would improve. Not now though. I try to focus on the kids, on my own work, but I have that horrible stomach squeezing dread feeling a lot of the time, you know?

My post about counselling was about you doing it alone. As another PP said it’s about working out what YOU want.

Then when/if you approach yr DH ref his behaviour, you know how much give or take you are prepared to do yourself for the relationship.

If you decide it’s over, you will know it’s the right thing to do and have no regrets.

Counselling together might seem the right thing to do further down the line, or as someone else has pointed out, he volunteers when he sees that you are ready to leave.

Setting a deadline may well be a mistake. At some point it will either be in-front of you or behind you. Either way it puts pressure on you and signals failure.

Maybe a better approach is to look at your own MH and what you want from life. Once you have done this you can see the gap from where you are now and see if or how that can be filled.

This is a day at a time approach and being in the present rather than the past or the future which is what you are currently doing.

Good luck

When you talk about his behaviour, how exactly is he behaving towards you/the family?

Are you being bullied OP?

Can you afford to live separately for a while just so you can each have the respective breathers you need? The current situation sounds like a hothouse for you both.

@WineThenMisletoe - I totally see your point. I guess I'd just seen this advice given before, and because a lot of DH's behaviour - and thus my happiness - seems dependent on current stressful circumstances, I thought it might be an idea to have a deadline to see if things had improved by then.

@Fuckmyliferightnow - not sure that I'm being bullied as such. But when he's stressed and angry he's AWFUL at communication. Snappy, rude, shouty, just a general asshole to be around. I stand up to him and call him up on it, but I'm exhausted by it tbh. Our house doesn't feel happy. I put on a happy face for the kids but I'm not sure how convincing it is.

@HomeTheatreSystem - unfortunately not. We don't have the money and don't have any family around either.

I could have written this post OP, I am in a very similar situation. Very long relationship that has previously been great on the whole. But work stress has a huge impact on OH and since I also started full time work 3 yrs ago and some other stressful stuff happened it's really shown up the cracks and I'm just don't feel happy any more. I am having counselling on my own ant the moment, it's really helped me get my head straight and I would recommend it but to be honest I still feel stuck. I keep thinking, like you, it's a long rough patch (much longer than any we've ever had before) but how long do you give it? I keep thinking if we've been together this long there must be something still there somewhere, but I'm mid 40s and I think I've changed so much I just don't see him like I used to.
Sending hugs and watching thread xx

I absolutely do not agree with the flippant attitude of BoodleBugs51 . Life's too short ?? That's the sort of attitude you employ to someone thinking about another gin and tonic or wether or not to dip into savings for a cruise down the Danube ... NOT the ending of a two decade long marriage. !! Bloody hate how some posters think dumping a husband equates to changing the decor in the living room because it has started to irritate you...

Ending a marriage as you know OP is going to have consequences for many others besides you. I am NOT saying that you shouldn't but those words of the marriage service of 'entered into 'reverently, discreetly, advisedly and soberly should be equally applied to those thinking of divorce.

Are you peri- or menopausal age?

I have noticed a decided lack of enthusiasm for fuck-wittery as I age. I'd have put up with stuff 10/20 years ago and now I really don't want to or can't. Sucking of joy out of every situation, tightness, sulking, nope, not going to put up with it...

DH knows I feel like this. It's improved things with the odd relapse.

@fluffybird and @Wombat43 - YES. I am peri-menopausal and whilst DH's work shit and bad moods can't be blamed on my declining oestrogen , I do think I'm at a point in my life where there is an element of 'is this it?'

@pollygartertidywife - agreed. But there will come a point where I have to ask myself how long to carry on. When does a bad patch become a bad marriage? I'm certainly questioning the future in a way I NEVER have before.

I did this op. I never make big decisions lightly. When I was certain divorce was on the cards I gave it a year. I didn't tell him. I didn't want him to feel there was an ultimatum, but I made every effort to change my own behaviour and live in a way that I wanted to and then I looked for the signs that it would or wouldn't work. In my case it didn't work out and I'm glad to know I'll never doubt my decision.

@dudsville - thanks for sharing and sorry that things didn't work out in the end. Hopefully you're much happier now? I'd be interested to hear how that year was for you and what you mean by living as you wanted to? I'm also going to try to recognise where my own behaviour doesn't help this situation...