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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I just need to keep quiet?

60 replies

Knees88 · 07/01/2022 12:51

My DP has left his job to look after our 2 young DC full time. He plans to go back to work later in the year but we were paying lots of money for childcare and he hated his job. So I now work FT and he looks after 2 DC (though the toddler still goes to nursery 3 days a week & the baby goes to inlaws 1.5 days a week)

I'm working long hours but from home. My DP is stepping up. Kind of. He cleans the kitchen and he looks after the baby. But he also spends huge amount of time watching telly and playing videogames. When the baby sleeps he sleeps on the sofa (2 hours a day). I'm still doing all night wakes and feeds.

He also tends to watch TV while the kids just sit on the floor. And I hear him say to the toddler things like 'yes you can have chocolate from breakfast because i love you too much to say no'.

Problem is I would have HATED it if he had poked his nose in when I was on full time maternity and dared to suggest I could do more. BUT, whenever I go make a cup of tea he is on the sofa half asleep while the baby is playing with their toys. He also keeps saying he will do a bunch of DIY things when the baby sleeps but he hasn't done anything.

I have tried gently to suggest he could use his time better but it hasn't gone down well at all. I imagine him saying it to me when I was on mat leave and I would have told him to F off and that I'm exhausted. But he doesn't do night wakes and the baby naps for 2-3 hours every day.

Do I just need to stay out of it? He thinks I'm setting him to fail and that I can't let go. Maybe that's true. I need to just focus on my job. But they're my tiny kids and they're spending their time entertaining themselves so he can do what he wants.

Any advice?

OP posts:
FabriqueBelgique · 07/01/2022 18:05

How about no-one watches telly until a set list of daily stuff is done - including interactive kid time?

Nanny0gg · 08/01/2022 12:55

@Knees88

Thanks all. For your bluntness and honestly. I am working in the next door room to the sitting room so I am popping in to play with them constantly. They both have time outside the home at playgroups etc, nursery, family, but mainly I'm finding time to take them (he doesn't drive). Basically just to say it's an issue of lazy DH and me basically being full time mum and also FT worker, it's not a case of child neglect. I promise. They are so loved and happy. But he always takes the easy route 'e.g. the toddler asks to look at DH's phone, he gets it. so DH gets an easy life. But I feel frigging awful now so will be taking it up a notch and not holding back when he accuses me of nagging.
You can tell him where to shove that misogynistic claptrap where the sun don't shine if he accuses you of 'nagging'

You need a full and frank discussion of his plans. And if he pulls the 'depression' card, refuse to accept it until he's had a doctor's appointment to investigate with some form of treatment in place, be it medication or therapy. In fact, he should be starting that now anyway.

HeavyHeidi · 08/01/2022 21:06

He left the job to look after and build a better connection with his children. Remind him that this is not happening if he sleeps and children are playing with coke cans.

Isthisit22 · 08/01/2022 21:17

@Knees88

Thanks all. For your bluntness and honestly. I am working in the next door room to the sitting room so I am popping in to play with them constantly. They both have time outside the home at playgroups etc, nursery, family, but mainly I'm finding time to take them (he doesn't drive). Basically just to say it's an issue of lazy DH and me basically being full time mum and also FT worker, it's not a case of child neglect. I promise. They are so loved and happy. But he always takes the easy route 'e.g. the toddler asks to look at DH's phone, he gets it. so DH gets an easy life. But I feel frigging awful now so will be taking it up a notch and not holding back when he accuses me of nagging.
How on earth can you be attracted or have any respect for this 'man'? He can't even look after his own children? He can't even drive? He is happy for you to work yourself into the ground, working, doing virtually all childcare and cleaning. He doesn't love or respect you. You need to value yourself so much more than this and tell him exactly how things need to change. Let's face it, being a single parent wouldn't be much different.
Immunetypegoblin · 08/01/2022 21:30

And of course he doesn't drive. One more thing you need to do for everyone.

DysmalRadius · 08/01/2022 21:44

I would focus on the parenting - forget the DIY and the household stuff (for now, although it is clearly an issue that he's getting 1.5 'free days a week and doing fuck all with them!!!) and discuss your expectations of what he's doing with the children. If he wants to be the SAHP, he needs to be doing the parenting - even taking them out for a walk or to the park would get them all out of the rut.

If you're worried that broaching it will end in a row (and I know that it's not for you to 'manage' his reaction to his own incompetence, but I do agree that he sounds depressed, so a softly softly approach is worth at least trying) then be positive - say you think they would all benefit from a class and ask him what he'd like to do with the kids (assuming you have options available in the area) and then get him signed up with the expectation that he goes.

OliveToboogie · 08/01/2022 21:48

I did same as you, only diff is I didn't work from home. Turned out my exhusband spent all day sleeping when kids at school or out at door chatting to neighbours. Tbh the resentment built up and I lost respect for him. Hence he is ex husband. My neighbour told me "he spent all day sitting in garden drinking tea then 15 mins before you get home he goes in and hoovers. Enough said

somehowsunshine · 08/01/2022 21:59

@Knees88

Thanks all. For your bluntness and honestly. I am working in the next door room to the sitting room so I am popping in to play with them constantly. They both have time outside the home at playgroups etc, nursery, family, but mainly I'm finding time to take them (he doesn't drive). Basically just to say it's an issue of lazy DH and me basically being full time mum and also FT worker, it's not a case of child neglect. I promise. They are so loved and happy. But he always takes the easy route 'e.g. the toddler asks to look at DH's phone, he gets it. so DH gets an easy life. But I feel frigging awful now so will be taking it up a notch and not holding back when he accuses me of nagging.
He should absolutely not be giving your toddler his phone to play with. He should be doing puzzles with the child, playing duplo, reading to them, painting, drawing, role play games. Interacting...!!!!!
RedRobyn2021 · 08/01/2022 22:25

This would really, really piss me off. You're very understanding.

tarasmalatarocks · 08/01/2022 22:50

Do you mind me asking what kind of a role he had that was so stressful he had to quit and put pressure on you ? I had a friend like this— basically her H decided he thought being st home looked a cushier number and suddenly developed intense stress in a job that wasn’t that stressful — but did have targets— and he simply didn’t like a targeted job— which is understandable but not quite what he made out— I have a feeling your partner might have a touch of the same— if he was in an incredibly stressful public service type job— social worker etc- then that’s different.

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