Do I just need to keep quiet?

[Knees88]

My DP has left his job to look after our 2 young DC full time. He plans to go back to work later in the year but we were paying lots of money for childcare and he hated his job. So I now work FT and he looks after 2 DC (though the toddler still goes to nursery 3 days a week & the baby goes to inlaws 1.5 days a week)

I'm working long hours but from home. My DP is stepping up. Kind of. He cleans the kitchen and he looks after the baby. But he also spends huge amount of time watching telly and playing videogames. When the baby sleeps he sleeps on the sofa (2 hours a day). I'm still doing all night wakes and feeds.

He also tends to watch TV while the kids just sit on the floor. And I hear him say to the toddler things like 'yes you can have chocolate from breakfast because i love you too much to say no'.

Problem is I would have HATED it if he had poked his nose in when I was on full time maternity and dared to suggest I could do more. BUT, whenever I go make a cup of tea he is on the sofa half asleep while the baby is playing with their toys. He also keeps saying he will do a bunch of DIY things when the baby sleeps but he hasn't done anything.

I have tried gently to suggest he could use his time better but it hasn't gone down well at all. I imagine him saying it to me when I was on mat leave and I would have told him to F off and that I'm exhausted. But he doesn't do night wakes and the baby naps for 2-3 hours every day.

Do I just need to stay out of it? He thinks I'm setting him to fail and that I can't let go. Maybe that's true. I need to just focus on my job. But they're my tiny kids and they're spending their time entertaining themselves so he can do what he wants.

Any advice?

Actually, I do think he's neglectful.

Re-read what you wrote about his day

Lack of a healthy, balanced diet is neglect.
A baby not being properly supervised is neglectful.

I'm still doing all night wakes and feeds.

WTF?

Your partner is a lazy arse who has somehow manipulated you into thinking you are not allowed to have any expectations of him.
He's not even parenting properly for the few days a week he's in sole charge, & I cannot believe that the only housework he does is cleaning the kitchen.

He has you working full time while he basically sleeps & watches tv.
He quit his job just because he didn't like working, & is now dossing around on your dime, while you presumably do all the housework that doesn't involve kitchen cleaning ...

... he has morphed into a cocklodger OP.
Stop pussyfooting around & read the riot act.
He needs to actively raise his children, not watch tv. He needs to do ALL the housework while you are working, & he needs to be back in work in 3 months or ... what is the use of him?

But focussed on what he needs
Big surprise.

e.g. he can't cope with his job anymore
For "can't cope" read "has sussed out his DP will pay all his bills"

feels disconnected from the DC
I suggest he tries playing with them.
Ignoring them while watching tv or napping isn't exactly building connection, is it?
He's a skiving git & his excuses are laughable. Stop buying his bullshit.

wants time to himself to reflect and think about his next steps etc
More bullshit.
He is saying anything that comes into his head, because he's learned that you don't like to challenge him so you will accept weak excuses as if they are valid reasons. SPOILER - they are not.

If you "keep quiet", I guarantee that this time next year you will still have a workshy cocklodger on your hands.
He doesn't even look after his own DC FFS.
How long can you endure this?

Being sort of present so you are worrying about their actual safety is a very very low bar for a stay at home parent.

The food and the night wakings are outrageous and should be treated as such. Quality Street for breakfast FFS.

The lying around etc. I would tolerate (grudgingly) as he is planning work later this year. But he'd better because this is unsustainable. And he can learn to clean a fucking toilet as well.

I'm sorry but he's borderline neglectful. And lazy as fuck.

This isn't going to work. And you need to tell him, and not feel you need to apologise for actually having had a mat leave where you focused on recovering from birth and feeding and nurturing a NEWBORN.

This isn't one bit the same and he's completely taking the piss.

wants time to himself to reflect and think about his next steps etc

Who doesn’t..

Even if didn’t have 1,5 days to himself he could still keep the house clean. To never have cleaned a toilet at that age is a joke, don’t you see that? What is his excuse, he’s a man? He is lazy and needs to step up big time. Parenting is not sleeping on the sofa and give the kids chocolate for breakfast ffs. He needs to break this bad cycle asap, and not think this is acceptable.

But he was worse when he was working - so anxious, not sleeping, getting so wound up about the smallest thing. And he was always sad about not seeing the kids as they would be in bed when he got back in

Would those be the same kids he's refusing to interact with?

OP - you cannot compare your hour 'off' a day while on maternity leave (i.e. finite, & funded) with his constant tv watching while bringing in zero income.

Also - he has never cleaned a loo in his life?
Unfuckingbelieveable.

He’s treating them as cute little pets

I make him sound neglectful. He's not.

Hold on there ...
But surprise surprise...the harder stuff is just not being done and i worry about the impact on them.

That's neglect.
As is sleeping while he's meant to be raising them, watching tv all day & ignoring them, & feeding them chocolate instead of real food.

He is neglecting your children OP.
And you - he is totally taking advantage of you.
What are you going to do about it?

This is precisely why its mostly women who are the stay at home parent. Men have no idea as to the actual reality of what being a stay at home parent involves, it is relentless.

First years are really important op. Interacting a lot is absolutely vital. We have all been tired and half slept on the sofa every now and again, but it sounds like it’s most of the time and that’s not good. I imagine he will stick an ipad in their hands as soon as he can. They are better off at nursery, and he’s better off working.

It does sound like neglect.

Does he have another job lined up or will he be applying later in the year? What you've posted sounds to me as if he sees SAHPing just as being on holiday rather than as a full time role in itself and I wonder whether it's really sustainable- you can ask him to do more but then you're just taking on more of what he should be doing- planning his days etc- which is both unfair on you and a horrible dynamic between you.

[quote Knees88]@Suprima - bloody hell. Your last paragraph. So accurate.

8 mini rolls for lunch. I can see it happening. It's the way he says 'oh go on then....eat leftover quality street for breakfast. I just love them so much i can't say no'. I literally think my kids teeth are going to fall out if this continues. And it makes me look horrible when I'm in charge and I say no. I say no because I love them.

I'm going to have to talk to him. Tell him some basics - no sweets or chocolate for breakfast (HA!), turn TV off sometimes, don't just give the toddler your phone from the moment you wake up, the baby might be happy playing with your old coke can but it's probably not the best.

I make him sound neglectful. He's not. I don't worry about their actual safety. And he covers them in kisses and makes them laugh all the time. But surprise surprise...the harder stuff is just not being done and i worry about the impact on them.[/quote]
An empty coke is not appropriate toy. Baby can cut gums and fingers one the part where it's been opened or if it gets bent/squashed a a certain away you've can have a very dangerous sharp edge that could cause a nasty injury and as he's not supervising them properly I'd say that is actually a neglectful thing to do.

I'm trying to be kind but when my youngest 2 were a baby and a toddler I went back to work part time. I did 3.5 days can't remember the exact number of hours but on 2 of those days I didn't get home until after 8pm.
I did virtually ALL the housework. ALL the washing, drying, ironing, putting away. I dedicated a full day to housework and laundry. My dcs did not go to nursery. When I wasn't at work I had both dcs 100% of the time. The idea that I could sit down and watch tv-you must be joking. When I wasn't doing household jobs, my house was always clean, I was interacting with my dcs. I even did the decorating!
So from a personal perspective your dh is very lazy.

If the DC were older, I would think you are someone I know. She is working, full on very demanding career. He is a SAHD. And don't get me wrong, he's a really lovely man, clearly adores his DC. Does the drop offs and pick ups and is perfectly able to manage them during her business trips.
But if he was more laid back, he would be horizontal. House is a mess. He objects to cleaner, says he will do it, never does. All kinds of renovation and DIY projects he said he will do - guess what? They will only get done when she finally has enough and organises it herself. All the mental load - still hers, despite this being his one job.
Oh he might also go back to work, maybe start a business, do some consulting..Concrete steps taken to update CV, check out the market, find some clients? 0 of course.

Some people are just not cut out for being self-motivated.

Your latest update is actually shocking op.

I make him sound neglectful. He's not. I don't worry about their actual safety.

If you are not worried about their safety and health then you are just as a crappy parent as your husband. Covering them in kisses is simply not enough.

I think he’s neglectful too.
They sit on the floor while he snoozes on the sofa?
What about playgroups? Or swimming? Or (dare I suggest it) soft play? Or interacting with your children? Or stimulating them? Or ensuring they have a nutritious diet?

I mean I could go on.

I would say he didn't hate his job, he hates work full stop. Not much of a future with that kind of a stone around your neck.

Jesus. He’s taking the absolute piss. I think that a lot of this actually does look like neglect, certainly of the kids, the house and you, so everything that matters.

He’s watching you yourself into the ground while he lies on the sofa watching tv and eating cake, disengaged from the kids, their development, their entertainment, their diet, their well-being.

You have to say something. And be prepared to put your foot down hard that if he hasn’t upped his act in a month you’re pulling the plug and he has to go back to work.

He’s got a day and a half to himself and isn’t cleaning and tidying the house? That’s a blatant insult.

@JasmineGarden great post. There's something about however bad we feel, being responsible for the children and home.

He’s using them as an excuse not to work. He’s no desire to be a stay at home parent, he just doesn’t wish to work either.

I couldn’t be doing with that, he’d get told to get a bloody job. Or get gone. He can doss around unemployed elsewhere.

Thanks all. For your bluntness and honestly. I am working in the next door room to the sitting room so I am popping in to play with them constantly. They both have time outside the home at playgroups etc, nursery, family, but mainly I'm finding time to take them (he doesn't drive). Basically just to say it's an issue of lazy DH and me basically being full time mum and also FT worker, it's not a case of child neglect. I promise. They are so loved and happy. But he always takes the easy route 'e.g. the toddler asks to look at DH's phone, he gets it. so DH gets an easy life. But I feel frigging awful now so will be taking it up a notch and not holding back when he accuses me of nagging.

I’d be encouraging him back to work ASAP, tbh. You having to nag him to do anything isnt really sustainable.