How to make my mum realise she can leave a 40 year relationship

[Upsetdaughter379]

Morning. My parents have been married for 40 years. It's a second marriage for both of them and they are in their 70s.
My dad is a narcissist. He is very uncaring towards people. Including his 94 year old mum who's still alive. He would do nothing for her. My mum does it. He is very controlling but partly because my mum let's him and this has gone on for 40 years. He is the boss, she is his slave. They both haven't worked for over 30 years so have been together at home 24/7 since then.
This is what their weekly life is like. He goes to the pub twice at the weekend , during the day time. She has to take him and fetch him. He is paralletically drunk when he comes home. She then has to cope with this for the rest of the day. Every Sunday for me as a child up to the age of 21 when I left home was hell because of this. Also every Xmas day. He is verbally abusive when drunk, falls over and clashes into things etc. Just difficult to be around until he falls asleep.
Mon to Fri they have a routine. My dad cannot stay home. He has to/they have to go out somewhere every day including all through covid before they were vaccinated putting them both at risk. My mum has a lung condition.
Each day they will go shopping to a different town/city and during the summer they will go to the seaside. What he says goes. No money can be spent at these places (they are very well off). They take sandwiches with them. No admission fees paid for anywhere, only things that are free. Only places that he wants to go. Only shops that he wants to look in.
Any purchase that is needed such as a broken appliance involves my dad forcing them to hunt around for days/weeks for the cheapest possible deal of involving others to help them, give it to them, fit it for them, with no thanks.
They have a cheap smart phone each. They both have a 2gb data allowance and they don't have broadband at home because he won't pay for it. So reliant on the mobile data. Because its only 2gb it runs out quick so he uses my mums aswell so he has 4gb. He classes my mums phone as his own aswell and she has never been able the go on social media etc because he has his own account on both phones. I can't send her private text messages etc because the phone is most often in his hand.
My mum does EVERYTHING in the house. Cooks, cleans, DIY. My dad has never done anything and if she left/died he would be clueless.
My mum NEVER goes anywhere without him. She says he can't be left because he moans and sulks. We used to go out occasionally maybe Xmas shopping or something but she would always want to rush back.
The worst part is when she does get precious time with me she spends the whole time complaining to me about my dad. How much she hates her life. How he stresses her out. That she hates him. That she wishes he would drop dead. That she wants to seperate.
I have told her /begged her to leave him my whole life including when I was a child!! It was hell for me growing up. Its a lot better for me now because I don't live there but she's just become worn down by it over the years I suppose. She's like a little nervous mouse now.
She tells me she stays with him for financial security. And that she's too old to consider seperating now. I've told her your never too old, she would be entitled to half of everything which would give her a new lease of life to buy what she wants/do what she wants. And shed be free from him. But she won't do it. My husband and I would support her initially and have even said she could live with us.
How do I make her see that she can do this and how much better her life would be? By her staying with him this long it has kept him in my life aswell. I only see him to see her. If they seperated I would go no contact with him. He's told me he expects me to care for him in old age and for him to live with us. Didn't ask, he told me this. We have no relationship at all and I could never ever do this. He has threatened to withdraw inheritance from me!
I'm at the stage now where I can't take much more of the emotional offloading that my mum is doing to me. She doesn't have anyone else. I am thinking about moving to a different part of the country to get away from it. She wouldn't have anyone then how can I give her that push and explain to her that by staying with him it's effecting everyone's lives not just hers???

I really feel for you. Your mother is very lucky to have you, however.

Remember that a nervous little mouse won't have the confidence to begin to know where to start, so she will say things like she's too old to separate. But you know that this isn't true. Is there any practical help you could start with? Has she looked at rental properties online at all? Will she be wondering how she's going to make new friends? Could you search online for social activities which might appeal to her?

I am so sorry but you can only help your own self ultimately. She has made her choice here and has ultimately chosen him. She enables him and gets what she wants out of their unhealthy and codependent relationship. She further uses you as her willing audience so I would stop being that. You won't be able to make her see any different and you cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped.

I see without any great surprise that your narcissistic father is wielding the old "withdrawing of the inheritance money" as a stick to control you with. Don't fall for such attempts.

I would seriously consider moving away from the two of them and leave no forwarding address; leave these two to each other.

Only thing I can think of is write out a pros and cons list for your mother. There’s not going to be much to put on the pros list.
If she won’t leave I don’t think there’s much you can do. Only when you see her alone plan a nice place to go ( to show her what she’d have if she left him) but ban all talk of him.
It’s a really sad situation.

You can't make her - any shred of self confidence she once had will have been eroded to nothing by this man who will probably have told her repeatedly that she wouldn't be able to cope on her own and that she wouldn't get a penny from him. She believes it because she's heard it for years, and she no longer knows what's true and what's not.

You could ask her if she would like to leave him - and if she does, you will help her with everything. From sorting out a bank account, to finding a solicitor, to finding a rental, to arranging the move and so on. Remember - once you've been married for many years it's really not that easy to just leave, esp if your partner controls everything. Where does she even start?

Alternatively, you could move away, or you could point her in the direction of clubs etc to help her build her confidence, and refuse to talk about him and their relationship until she does something to help herself.

Can you work out what her first steps would be? Ie talk to a solicitor on her behalf. Write down what the solicitor said would be her financial situation. May be she would take it on board if it’s come from a solicitor?

As will be pointed out after 40 years, she will be ground into the dust and unable to see her way out from your father. Perhaps you can take her on baby steps (help her find the bank statements etc and everything that comes under “getting your ducks in a row”) things she can do, without his knowledge and without committing herself to actually leaving yet.

Does she have a landline, or can you get her a secret phone.

Her mindset is that the only way out is either he drops dead or she must endure. You need to start strategising how to shift her head space to where she lives in her own lovely space (seaside apartment, little cottage by the sea etc, or with you)

It sounds so hard and I can see you have tried. You have been pointing the way out for her, perhaps she can’t manage to get there unless you take her by the hand and actually lead her there yourself.

It is a lot of work for you and perhaps the thought of having the mother/daughter relationship you both deserve will help see you through.

I wish you all the best.

Do you have a spare room for her to stay in if she leaves him? I know you said she would be able to stay with you for a while.

If so, you could try decorating it to her taste, get her involved with choosing colour schemes etc. Tell her you are doing that way for when she decides. Talk about how life would be. If she starts imagining a life for herself outside of the one she has now, with positives, she may start to see herself living that life. It’s about her mindset really.

Good luck. You sound like a lovely daughter.

Remember she chose to stay with him and continues to choose. She knew that he impactedly you negatively when you were younger yet she still chose to stay. She chooses him every time and then she moans to you about him and about how powerless she is. Step back away from them. Move if you need to but disengage. She is choosing this. Yes she enables him but you currently enable her. My mum is exactly the same. My only workable solution has been to be honest with her about how I viewed her choices and step back out of it.

What you have to understand is that she stays because she wants to. There may be all sorts of contributing factors but that's the cold, hard truth. So maybe dont waste years if your life trying to rescue her. She knows she could leave, she is choosing to stay. And choosing to use you as a receptacle for all her negativity.

My mum made it as far as buying herself a house. Then he got dementia and she decided her duty was to move back and be his carer. They still despise each other, she still complains.

Could you tell her that you’re thinking of moving a long way away and you’d like her to come with you? She could just come and you could buy her everything she needs. Just go. Then divorce him from afar

I’m sorry OP, but I think you are wasting your time. You say you have been begging her to leave since you were a child. Yet she’s stayed with him for 40 years now. I can’t see how she will ever leave.

The worst part is when she does get precious time with me she spends the whole time complaining to me about my dad

^This is also terrible. They both seem completely self-absorbed in the little world they have created. What about you? Don’t you or your feelings count?

If I were you I would move away. Also lower contact generally. Change the subject if your mother complains about him. Or tell her you don’t want to listen to her complaints about him anymore, has she no other topic of conversation? If she doesn’t leave and you have offered to help her and she has plenty of money to do so, she simply doesn’t want to. She’s told you the many reasons she is staying. I believe her role is completely entrenched. I believe that giving your time and energy to this subject will achieve nothing.

Maybe that post came across as pessimistic, but if it was “hell” when you were growing up and you have been begging her to leave since then, the chances of her doing it in her 70s are remote. There is always hope, but it really does have to come from her.

I dont think she will leave. She probably cannot see that if she doesn't she will spend 20 or so years living like this. At best. At worst she will have to care for him. He wont care for her if she is sick.

I would tell her one more time and then stop. Get on with your own life and refuse to listen to her.

Ah I really feel for you my Foster mother was in exactly the same position. Bullied mentally and physically for 44 years. We tried numerous times over the years to help her, even after the Police and doctor begged her to chuck the fucker out.
Thankfully the bastard finally snuffed in November. However the coercive control he had over ger will remain for the rest of her days.
It's so hard because your mother knows no alternative and that control takes away their ability to think for themselves. He will always come first.

I think people get trapped and can't see the possibilities. It's very sad really. My mum was similar..

You are inadvertently facilitating this relationship by allowing her to vent etc …. you are being an emotional skip - which allows her to off-load / dump on you when when it gets too much - but this just frees up enough mental / emotional space for her to go back and cope with him.

She is an adult who has made these choices.

She is also incredibly selfish if she chose him over your childhood and to this day does the same over your relationship - she is using you.

I suspect that you have lots of your own emotional damage / burden by being raised by these two - are you a people pleaser / co-dependent - how is your own self worth?

I would emotionally detach from your mother and be much less available to her. Don’t get drawn into this toxic triangle dynamic.

If you move physically and or emotionally away your DM will have to cope with the weight of this once and for all as her pressure release valve will be gone - and she might get uncomfortable enough to move on.

However what’s happening with your own life? Are you focused on nurturing healthy radiant reciprocal relationships and friendships or is this triangle draining you dry?

I would invest in therapy for yourself because these two have left an emotional deficit in your life that it’s normal for you to be stuck in a futile toxic mess and not know it.

What you can do for her is listen to her complaints. You're a safe space for her - you know him, you know what she means, you can't make her do anything. Your only choice, really, is whether to listen or not.

I would decide how much of it you can bear and set a boundary. You could let her complain for 5 mins only, or whatever. Tell her you will listen for x time and then change the subject, and do so. Or you might decide that she needs to vent and let her say what's on her mind. Obviously you can still tell her that she can leave and you'll help her as well.

Thank you everyone for commenting.
A little update....myself and the children went to visit them yesterday. Had a lovely time there, kids were playing etc. But my mum looked absolutely terrible. She has hives and a cold sore. She is very run down. This is due to stress and she goes through patterns of this. This time it is because quitr a few things have gone wrong for them recently which have been getting on top of her and she struggles to cope/deal with the issues, just things such as an appliance breaking, followed by a phone not working, followed by their car breaking down. Just day to day things but they both catastrosize everything. My dad kicks off shouting, moaning, stressing over each of these things which add to her stress and unhappiness.
My dad for the first time ever yesterday told me he was concerned about her because she seemed depressed!!
Anyway, the afternoon continued playing with the children. My mum was able to grab me in the hall for maybe 20 seconds and blurted out what he'd done to her annoy her that week. It was if it was bubbling up inside her and she'd been waiting to whole time to tell me.
Couldn't speak to either of them about it because the kids were there.

When I got home I had a lengthy discussion with my husband about it which almost turned into an argument. He is very supportive of my mum, says how lovely she is and that she doesn't deserve any of this, and how I need to continue to allow her to sound off to me and that I need to make some time with mum to speak to her about leaving.
The trouble is, is wasn't brought up by them.he didn't have 21 years of this before I met him. I am deeply affected by it all. I've told him that I can't be her soundboard anymore because it's dragging me down and I'm running out of sympathy. He tells me that if I did that to her she'd have no one. And it would make everything worse and she could spiral into something terrible. I feel abit trapped to be honest!

What ESGdance wrote earlier, please take heed. I am not at all surprised you remain deeply affected by all this. Your parents have a lot to answer for.

So sorry to read that your H did not at all get it and so was not all that understanding; he likely came from an emotionally healthy family where such dysfunction is either unheard of or completely unknown. Do not speak to him further about either of your parents; he in his own way yesterday threw you under the bus by his pontificating as he did.

I also note he seemingly did not visit them yesterday either so again he's likely basing his opinion on his own parents.

As you indeed state you were raised by them and he was not. You were not so lucky. I would consider seeking out a counsellor or therapist (preferably a BACP registered one) for your own self to talk about this rather than your H. She is still with her H and for her own reasons (only one of which is so called financial security); their relationship is both a dysfunctional and codependent one and they both get what they want out of it. She actively enjoys using you as her sounding board/willing audience and will continue to milk this from you as long as she can with you playing your part in also facilitating it.

You need to step away.

I would reconsider whether it is actually worth taking yourself, let alone your kids, over to their house now. Yes children need grandparents but emotionally healthy ones, neither of your parents are not emotionally healthy enough to be around.

You have a choice re your parents and you can choose not to listen to her complaints. After all she's been talking like this for many years now and the record is the same.

Yes you are trapped and YOU will go down their spiral with them.

Prioritise your own emotional energy and MH so that you can spend it on your DCs - they need you mentally fit and focused not drained and preoccupied with these two.

Give them the best of you not the rest of you.

Your parents situation is futile. Accept that. But it doesn’t have to blight your DCs life.

Listen to how you feel - look carefully at the patterns and spiralling dynamics over 40 years - this is an adult who has made a choice day in day out and will make the same one continually.

Read up on the drama triangle - your Mum has dragged you into this and you are inadvertently feeding their toxic system.

If you have signposted to your Mum options and professional services and she is refusing and choosing to stay the same - respect her choice by her actions and ignore her disingenuous words which she has been laying on you since the age of 7. Emotionally detach from her in your head and focus on yourself.

There's no such thing as too old to divorce. A relative of mine did it in her early 80's. I won't go into the details as it was her business.

OK so it might not be easy for her if she has to set up her own home but many women face have to face dealing with this and associated stuff like finances when they are widowed.

I also think that your posts about their lifestyle are dramatic - how is she a slave if she hasn’t had to work for 30 years - that they go out most days to the seaside / trips and even if she did all of the housework and cooking - that’s hardly a burden - she would have to do that if she lived alone - the only extra she is doing is cooking bigger portions for 2 people.

I suspect that you have been taken in by her histrionics and dramatic victim stance (as per the drama triangle).

I don’t doubt that her life is miserable with this binge drinker - but she was happy to not just expose her child to this but also inappropriately lean on her child to buffer her own discomfort through their childhood - would you as a mother make your DCs live this childhood?

@ESGdance I suppose your right. She sees herself as a slave. This is why I get annoyed. She makes out she is not allowed her own life. In reality, he has never stopped her from doing anything. She has just chosen not to and allows him to take control over their daily lives where she llnow feels like she isn't allowed. She says that she does everything that he wants for an easy life.
I've just reached my limit where I have had enough now and my husband is trying to be nice but it's not helping me.
I am an only child so have to shoulder this burden myself. I've always had to deal with this alone. My mum has always used me as a therapist since I was a very young child. Our kids are their only grandkids that my parents afore. We see them regularly and live very close by.
My mum has said to me so many times that seeing us is the only thing that keeps her going. It puts a lot of pressure on me

Wrt to your dh, have you spent years telling him how lovely and trapped your dm is and what a shit your dad is to her? If so, remember he is just repeating the narrative that he has been given. And yes, if he comes from an emotionally healthy family he really wont "get" the disfunction in yours. So dont follow his advice but dont resent him for it either. He's only seeing 1 part of the puzzle.

So she is also happy then to drag your children with her just as she has and continues to drag you down. Saying that the only thing that keeps her going is your children (not you) is more emotional manipulation.

Step right back and step up to gain a better perspective of everything that is going on here - not just the manipulative disingenuous emotionally exploitative tale your mother has continued to tell you all your life.

Your mother has not been an adequate mother to you. As Attila suggested - invest in your own therapy so that you are clear where healthy boundaries lie.

Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and have a look at the Adult Children of Alcoholics website to understand the dynamics here.

Your DCs are not on this earth to entertain, soothe, appease and enable your mothers dysfunctional choices.

If you are taking your DCs to the home of an active alcoholic / weekend binge drinker - I would be questioning what blueprint you were given growing up as to what children should have to endure and be exposed to.

FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) are likely what drives and traps you in this dynamic with your DM (which seems like your DCs are also now fodder for / collateral damage for) and these are the 3 emotions that are never the right thing to live your life by.

You can’t know what you don’t know - but you are starting to see the light.

You weren’t parented properly, your mother is still emotionally exploiting you and that comes at a cost to you all. Seek some support to shift this dynamic.