How to make my mum realise she can leave a 40 year relationship

[Upsetdaughter379]

Morning. My parents have been married for 40 years. It's a second marriage for both of them and they are in their 70s.
My dad is a narcissist. He is very uncaring towards people. Including his 94 year old mum who's still alive. He would do nothing for her. My mum does it. He is very controlling but partly because my mum let's him and this has gone on for 40 years. He is the boss, she is his slave. They both haven't worked for over 30 years so have been together at home 24/7 since then.
This is what their weekly life is like. He goes to the pub twice at the weekend , during the day time. She has to take him and fetch him. He is paralletically drunk when he comes home. She then has to cope with this for the rest of the day. Every Sunday for me as a child up to the age of 21 when I left home was hell because of this. Also every Xmas day. He is verbally abusive when drunk, falls over and clashes into things etc. Just difficult to be around until he falls asleep.
Mon to Fri they have a routine. My dad cannot stay home. He has to/they have to go out somewhere every day including all through covid before they were vaccinated putting them both at risk. My mum has a lung condition.
Each day they will go shopping to a different town/city and during the summer they will go to the seaside. What he says goes. No money can be spent at these places (they are very well off). They take sandwiches with them. No admission fees paid for anywhere, only things that are free. Only places that he wants to go. Only shops that he wants to look in.
Any purchase that is needed such as a broken appliance involves my dad forcing them to hunt around for days/weeks for the cheapest possible deal of involving others to help them, give it to them, fit it for them, with no thanks.
They have a cheap smart phone each. They both have a 2gb data allowance and they don't have broadband at home because he won't pay for it. So reliant on the mobile data. Because its only 2gb it runs out quick so he uses my mums aswell so he has 4gb. He classes my mums phone as his own aswell and she has never been able the go on social media etc because he has his own account on both phones. I can't send her private text messages etc because the phone is most often in his hand.
My mum does EVERYTHING in the house. Cooks, cleans, DIY. My dad has never done anything and if she left/died he would be clueless.
My mum NEVER goes anywhere without him. She says he can't be left because he moans and sulks. We used to go out occasionally maybe Xmas shopping or something but she would always want to rush back.
The worst part is when she does get precious time with me she spends the whole time complaining to me about my dad. How much she hates her life. How he stresses her out. That she hates him. That she wishes he would drop dead. That she wants to seperate.
I have told her /begged her to leave him my whole life including when I was a child!! It was hell for me growing up. Its a lot better for me now because I don't live there but she's just become worn down by it over the years I suppose. She's like a little nervous mouse now.
She tells me she stays with him for financial security. And that she's too old to consider seperating now. I've told her your never too old, she would be entitled to half of everything which would give her a new lease of life to buy what she wants/do what she wants. And shed be free from him. But she won't do it. My husband and I would support her initially and have even said she could live with us.
How do I make her see that she can do this and how much better her life would be? By her staying with him this long it has kept him in my life aswell. I only see him to see her. If they seperated I would go no contact with him. He's told me he expects me to care for him in old age and for him to live with us. Didn't ask, he told me this. We have no relationship at all and I could never ever do this. He has threatened to withdraw inheritance from me!
I'm at the stage now where I can't take much more of the emotional offloading that my mum is doing to me. She doesn't have anyone else. I am thinking about moving to a different part of the country to get away from it. She wouldn't have anyone then how can I give her that push and explain to her that by staying with him it's effecting everyone's lives not just hers???

'My mum has said to me so many times that seeing us is the only thing that keeps her going. It puts a lot of pressure on me'

Jesus. This is so unfair and unreasonable. I absolutely feel for you because my mother is the same. Or rather, WAS the same because I took a huge step back from it all several years ago. I rarely see my parents now and have limited contact with them. They're still together, probably still miserable, which is really sad, but they have made their choices. I honestly felt like I had to choose either my happiness or my mother's happiness, and I chose myself, and have never regretted it for a second

Could not recommend therapy highly enough, for you alone. You have been pulled into a very toxic dynamic by your mother, and professional support with getting out of that will be invaluable to you

She's a selfish enabler and you're beginning to enable her too, by letting her unload on you.

She won't leave, she knew how horrendous your childhood was and that didn't make her leave.

My best friend's father is in a similar position. Very very abusive wife and mother. My friend's childhood was horrendous, her mum beat her regularly while her dad just watched and did nothing to stop her. The mum was/is verbally abusive to her dad.

Fast forward 30 years and my friend spent thousands getting a granny flat built in her garden so her dad could escape.

Did he?

Did he fuck?

Friend is now LC, ignores his texts saying how hard done by he is. Never sees her mum. Her dad knew he can walk out tomorrow and go live with my friend. He won't.

These enablers can't and won't leave. Who knows why :(

OP you need to go LC for your own mental health.

It’s hard being an only child when your parents are getting older, and especially hard if their relationship is dysfunctional. The way you describe your parents gives the impression of frightened children who can’t cope with the world and who have both found their own ways to retreat from it: alcohol in your dad’s case, being consumed by the relationship in your mum’s. I imagine that you were a highly ‘parentified’ child so your mum’s distress is able to press all your buttons simultaneously. She won’t take sensible advice to leave if she is so unhappy, so it’s like being with an inconsolable child each time you see her - it must be maddening in every sense. She chose not to leave when you were a child in spite of the negative impact on you of the marriage. What do you know of your parents’ previous marriages and how they ended? I’m wondering if your mum actually ended the previous relationship and what that was like for her?

It’s terrifically unfair to continually burden you with her distress. You never get a look-in and that kind of offloading is using you as an emotional dustbin. In some way, this relationship with your dad gives her something back, however unhealthy, be it a sense of control (what would he do without me?). Or of being looked after by him (his controlling behaviour).

You could see a therapist for a space to explore your feelings, and as a way to strengthen yourself against being drawn into the family drama. You probably get angry and upset when your mum offloads to you, and this is what she’s using for fuel. Setting some limits on what you will and won’t listen to will be hard for you and she’ll guilt trip you like a pro’, but you need to find a way to feel less invaded by the relationship.

Your mum is emotionally blackmailing you as well with these comments. Yes you feel sorry for her life and it's sad, but she has chosen to stay. When you were younger she did not defend and let these things occur in front of you.

For your own families sake step back.

You are so close to stepping back but do you also know you are currently using the same language as your Mum? You are burdened and trapped, is this not what she is also saying? If you want a new life where you don't teach your children the tragic but far too common dance of codependence you must get counselling, decide what is ok for you and your children, accept that your husband is currently blinded by the FOG so can't help you on this one and forge a new path where you can accept that your Mum lives in misery but that that is HER choice. Respect her enough to honour her choices. Don't treat her like a helpless child which it seems like she is demanding you do. This isn't about their finances, phones breaking, cars having issues or anything else. All that stuff is just life. She is manipulative and you do need to wake up to that. If you want to. It is also your choice.

OP, I had to respond as you could have been describing my own parents. My dad too, is very selfish, everything is about what he wants to do and like your DF, he completely ignored covid rules so he could keep gong to the pub etc. My DM also uses me as her counsellor and talks about how she wishes my DF would 'drop dead'. its horrid. I'm not an only child but DSis lives abroad and never really cared what was going on. She's very very similar to DF though. My parents relationship has, I believe, impacted my own marriage as I didn't really have a good example of a happy marriage. I do worry constantly that I will grow to 'hate' my own DH or that he will 'hate' me.

Your mum let you down when you were a child (as clearly did your dad). You should not have been made to live in an abusive home like that.

I know how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship, I know the damage it does but your mum sounds like she enables your dad.

It’s unfair to put this all on you.
I would signpost your mum to some domestic violence organisations, encourage counselling or seeing her GP, and then, for the sake of my own mental health, I would take a step back.

You have to understand that this is a codependency relationship. Your mother needs your father to be abusive so she can carry on being the victim, which is what she wants to be.

She could walk away, or stop enabling his abuse, but then she’d have to accept that it has been her choice all these years and that she is also responsible for the abuse you have suffered, so she will never do that.

You are also in an abusive and codependent relationship with your mum as much as she is with your Dad - it’s like a chain.

And your own family life / MH / marriage / children’s childhoods will inadvertently continue to be compromised with this negativity unconsciously allow yourself to be pulled into and the burden you carry.

This is only going to get worse and worse as their health deteriorates and their needs increase. You do not owe them this service - they did not prioritise your childhood or you now.

You have a choice to put down the emotional burden that they dump on you now and proactively chose not to get drawn into the huge shit storm and burden of their elder care years (they have enough money to pay for support - just signpost them once if needed) - your choice is to spend the next 10 years of your DC childhoods happy, relaxed emotionally available and focused on them or inadvertently do the same as your mother and let that time slip by because you are preoccupied and involved with an alcoholic and his enabling manipulative wife.

Choose carefully - you can’t be in two emotional places at once. I hope that you can see that these two didn’t give you what you needed and you owe them little and this dysfunction will take from your own DCs upbringing.

Everything here is centred around money. Mum stays for financial security.
And for me, as the years have gone on both of my parents have been very good to me financially. They have never treated me badly in that way. My dad paid for my university education. He paid for me to have a private surgery when I was 21. He pays into savings accounts for my children. And he gave me /us alot of money towards our home. Because of this I feel financially trapped because I feel like I'm indebted to my dad for this. At the time I should have never have taken these "gifts" but I was young (age 18-25) and did not think of anything further down the line. Now I feel as if they have bought my servitude and that I will care for them in old age (which he's said he expects many times)

The money you received was used to control you and such men do this because they can. It is a common way for such narcissistic men who really do hate women, and all of them, to exert control. It was also given to you with a whole host of obligation attached to it. Do not let their money further keep you trapped. Do not furthermore allow any more of his funds to go into your kids savings accounts, give it all back. He will use their money to further control your children, your most precious resource. You cannot allow that to happen on your watch.

You are also really under no obligation to care for either parent here in their dotage. What he says to you is not law and you need to break free of their control for your children’s sake as well as your own.

I divorced after 30 years of marriage, am nearly 60.
I’ve posted this response before here to others .
What really made me overcome my fear, was being able to visualise my life and circumstances post divorce in detail , that helped me to see what was possible and the valid pro/cons
Fear is the unknown
Till she can reduce the fear by clearly visualising life post divorce she won’t budge. So help her with that. First figure out with her the financial situation. As they’re both retired, it’s complicated to do pension sharing arrangements, so focus on assets and how to end up roughly 50:50 by offsetting assets against pension income if their incomes are very different. Once she knows that she can start to figure out where she could live, what type of accommodation, where etc. that then becomes a little less fearful. Then start to think about lifestyle, friendships, your relationship etc. help her build up a picture piece by piece of a new life that could be hers
Then she is more able to make a decision actively, rather than run away from that decision as she is doing now.

You have / are being groomed.

So that you feel obligated.

So that they can manipulate you.

In order to control you.

So that you can be exploited.

It’s 100% self serving.

You are a much cheaper ROI than funding other professional care.

Why do you think your DF is going over and above financially? Although there is no expectation of financial support from any parent to an adult child - I don’t think that he (given his financial resources) has done anymore than many of us do for our children - health, education and help with housing is not unusual - especially if you only have one child.

Start by educating your self about alcoholism, personality disorders, dysfunctional families, coercive control and emotional abuse.

Then start slowly (with support) extricating yourself from your family.

You don’t have to announce it - you just need to take incremental actions with boundaries that are respectful to you.

She wont leave him, she has become too co dependant.
As hard as it is you are not responsible for her and her decisions.
I would say " l dont know what else l can say to you, we are just going round in circles, let me know if you do decide to take action, but until then it is what you are choosing it to be. "
Focus more on your own life, step away from it now, you' ve done all you can.

May I suggest having her come stay with you for an extended visit.

www.overcomingenmeshment.com/

This is a useful website - especially the articles on enmeshed families and enmeshed daughters

I'm going to try and speak to her this week. Will update when I have. My plan is to firstly go through options for seperatation and reassure her. If she flatly refuses I will state that she is then choosing this life. And it is not fair for her to constantly complain to me and drag me into it when there is a solution to it all that is better for everyone. I will tell her that she needs to find a counsellor /therapist if she needs someone to talk to because it's just not fair for me to have to take on that role.

@Upsetdaughter379

I'm going to try and speak to her this week. Will update when I have. My plan is to firstly go through options for seperatation and reassure her. If she flatly refuses I will state that she is then choosing this life. And it is not fair for her to constantly complain to me and drag me into it when there is a solution to it all that is better for everyone. I will tell her that she needs to find a counsellor /therapist if she needs someone to talk to because it's just not fair for me to have to take on that role.

That’s a brilliant approach. Well done. That’s a big step for you. Signpost her to services and then close down any conversations of whinging each and every time.