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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An Instagram one ...

43 replies

thousandships · 07/01/2022 09:53

Name changed for this is frankly I’m embarrassed to be posting.

My partner and I have been together for five years. We don’t live together for work and family reasons. We live about an hour and a half away from each other and spend five days of every 14 together, plus longer periods of time when commitments allow. We both like our independence, are happy and it works for us etc. Just adding that for background.

My partner puts lots of photos on his Instagram. I was looking through those yesterday and one in particular had a lot of likes. One of the likes was from a woman I recognised from a party we were at in November, so I had a nosey at her profile.

She and my partner follow each other’s Instagram, obviously. They met on a project they worked on over the summer but won’t have seen each other since then, other than the party we were all at (me with him and her with her boyfriend), as she lives by me rather than in his city.

About half of her pictures are selfies and I can see that my partner has liked all of these. Any post she puts up which doesn’t actually have her in it he hasn’t liked. Her most recent post is of her all glammed up for New Years Eve. My partner has not only liked this picture, he’s also took the time to comment ‘you’re so pretty!’

This is really winding me up! I find it really disrespectful for him to comment on her picture in that way. I get that he’ll of course find people other than me attractive. However, it’s one thing to look at a picture and think she’s pretty, but to actually comment … well the only reason to do that is because you want to convey to that person that you find them attractive. Oh and the day he wrote the comment was also our 5 year anniversary, which we’re having to spend apart as I have a family member in hospital. Nice.

I don’t think they’re in contact in real life and she knows he has me and he knows she has a boyfriend. I’m not actually worried that something is going on - that would be a reach - but I am upset and pissed off at how inappropriate this is.

My dilemma is, do I say something to him? I don’t want to look like I’m stalking his social media and it feels really juvenile to be upset about something on Instagram, but I feel really upset by this. You just don’t basically tell someone ‘I fancy you’ when you’re in a relationship! Should I just leave it or should I say something?

OP posts:
21henrycavil · 07/01/2022 10:06

That's so grim op . He's disrespectful of you . I'd leave him

Mumof3confused · 07/01/2022 10:30

That’s awful.

Peoniesandcream · 07/01/2022 10:35

I wouldn't care about liking the pic but it's the comment from me. My ex did this and worse. If someone's bf commented that on my selfie I would be a bit Hmm, it takes the piss out of you. I would have to say something.

Peoniesandcream · 07/01/2022 10:35

Comment for me**

buntybanana · 07/01/2022 10:45

That's very disrespectful. Liking them is one thing but the comment is quite another. Do you know if they're in contact over text/messenger? Has he done this on other women's photos? ... I'm so sorry OP.

buntybanana · 07/01/2022 10:47

I think it might eat away at you if you don't bring it up. It's a valid point to ask him about - maybe just say she came up as a suggested contact and you looked at her profile - that's a pretty normal thing to do.

Original poster
thousandships · 07/01/2022 10:50

Thanks for the replies. I was expecting to be told I'm reading too much into it! I will talk to him. I just hate 'I've been stalking his Instagram' angle of it.

@buntybanana I don't know if they're in touch by text etc. Having met her she's really nice, very 'wholesome' and very happy with her boyfriend. She just doesn't give off the vibe of engaging in anything underhand. I've not noticed comments on any other girls' pictures like this (I've been doing some rooting around this morning).

OP posts:
IamGusFring · 07/01/2022 10:51

Just be honest with him and say you were browsing and you noticed this and it makes you feel a bit weird/disrespected /whatever words you choose. His reaction will let you know how much he does respect you . Five years is a long time - do you have any plans to live together? How do you see your future?

buntybanana · 07/01/2022 10:56

@thousandships well that's good. If he's not in the habit of doing it a lot then he might have a little crush on this woman. We all have crushes, but we should not being reaching out to that person or commenting on their looks. If you don't get a weird vibe from her then that's also a good sign. I've found that initial instincts are quite reliable! I agree with just bringing it up and judging his response and how much he respects you. Hopefully he'll be ashamed and mature enough to apologise and recognise his mistake.

buntybanana · 07/01/2022 10:56

Ps Instagram is for stalking - we all do it!!

TinfoilTracey · 07/01/2022 10:58

I wonder if part of the problem is dynamics? Together 5 years but not living together and both wanting your own freedom doesn't really make for full on commitment. I'm willing to bet if you did live together he wouldn't think he still has similar freedom to a single man to be following other women on social media. Perhaps the gap between you has made the relationship bond a little more lax. It's almost like wanting a relationship but not quite.

periwinklepetals · 07/01/2022 11:00

A man did this to me. It started off on Instagram, he liked all of my pics, and then commented “you’re beautiful” etc. I hated it & I asked him to stop. And then he tried to initiate an affair via WhatsApp

(He’s the Dad of one of my DC’s friends)

I have to see him twice a day knowing that he was fully prepared to have an affair and cheat on his wife. I’m married too btw! His intentions were crystal clear.

I blocked him. But it’s bloody awkward.

You need to talk to him OP. Don’t take any shit. If she likes the attention they could well be texting too

Flowers just sharing my experience x

periwinklepetals · 07/01/2022 11:01

I see him twice a day on the school run**

Sorry I was typing so fast I missed that snippet of info

Ohpulltheotherone · 07/01/2022 11:05

You’re totally right when you say it’s natural to find other people attractive but it’s totally different to go out of your way to make it known to them.

Leaving a comment on someone’s Insta is a very clear message.

I’d be fuming. It’s disrespectful to you and also it’s cringey as fuck. Plus, she has a partner - so how does he feel about some random male acquaintance casually dropping “you’re so pretty comments” on his gfs photos!

I’d be pulling him up on it - she has a public instagram and so does he, these are open for people to see. If he didn’t want you to see it then he shouldn’t have fucking written it!

You could always say she popped up in your explore screen and you recognised her so had a nosey. But I wouldn’t. I’d tell him I saw his creepy attempt at getting her attention and purposefully looked for confirmation

Oh take screen shots too - in case he tries to deny and remove all trace!

Original poster
thousandships · 07/01/2022 11:15

@TinfoilTracey I probably haven't explained that very well. I'm divorced with a child, who's my priority. My DC and job means I have to live where I do, whereas my partner's work is in the south east. I was in a very controlling marriage for 10 years and don't have any desire to remarry and rather relish my freedom and having my own space now! My partner gets on very well with my DC and lives with us when he has periods when he's not working, for example he was up with us for all of the summer holidays. Longer term we would like to live together, but I'd want my DC to be older before that happens.

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FortunesFave · 07/01/2022 11:16

This seems so...so like what a 14 year old would do...posting "You're so pretty" is vastly immature. It's weird for a grown man to do that!

Yankeescot · 07/01/2022 11:22

I agree that it's cringey. Does he ever tell you that he thinks you're so pretty?

BrimfulOfBaba · 07/01/2022 11:35

It's 100% inappropriate of him to do that.

TinfoilTracey · 07/01/2022 11:37

[quote thousandships]@TinfoilTracey I probably haven't explained that very well. I'm divorced with a child, who's my priority. My DC and job means I have to live where I do, whereas my partner's work is in the south east. I was in a very controlling marriage for 10 years and don't have any desire to remarry and rather relish my freedom and having my own space now! My partner gets on very well with my DC and lives with us when he has periods when he's not working, for example he was up with us for all of the summer holidays. Longer term we would like to live together, but I'd want my DC to be older before that happens. [/quote]
I hear you but I do wonder if the 'freedom' you both enjoy may be the root of the problem here. He clearly doesn't think he's in a full on committed full time relationship when he's doing things like this.

Lou98 · 07/01/2022 11:42

I agree with others that liking her photos wouldn't bother me, my partner has female friends who's posts he likes as I do with my male friends. The comment would bother me though and I definitely don't think you're U to be angry.

Do you have Instagram yourself? If not it would make me think he thought he could comment without you noticing.

I'd like his comment and see if he mentioned it - perhaps a petty way to go but I'd want to know if he genuinely didn't think he was doing anything wrong or if he just didn't think he'd get caught out.

If the relationship is otherwise good I wouldn't end it for this alone but I would make it clear that I wasn't happy and if it happened again I definitely would leave

SunflowerTed · 07/01/2022 11:49

I wouldn’t be happy with this either. I would speak to him

Sonaftersonafterson · 07/01/2022 11:57

That is a public declaration that he fancies her. How fucking disrespectful to you.

I'd go mental.

Anordinarymum · 07/01/2022 12:04

I'm just looking at this from my perspective. If this were my bloke I would want to know why he thought it was OK to comment like that knowing she has a partner and so does he ?

I would then wait and see what he says, knowing how he responds could be a death sentence. For him that is. If he gets all defensive and says you are stalking me etc etc then I would think we have a problem here and all trust would be clean out of the window because why ?????

bunglebells · 07/01/2022 12:14

This action would be a no from me.
Maybe if they were long term close friends it might be ok? Not sure.

And as for the stalking. Just own it. I just wrote a long explanation of my situation but deleted it as it's quite different. The upshot is though that you can just admit to looking. It's public. It's social media. He's your partner. If people don't want these things to represent them then don't post them. Everyone stalks. I did and then got told that I was out of order for looking at his past posts from before we met. Well yes that is weird in a way, but there was a reason I did. And I didn't like some of what I saw.
Hey, guess what! If he posted it, it's there for you (and all) to see. Own it and don't be deflected.

Original poster
thousandships · 07/01/2022 12:16

Thanks for all the replies. I've spoken with him. I said I needed to talk to him about something serious 'why are you telling someone on Instagram that's you think she's pretty?' Slight pause 'She's my friend, you've met her.' 'I thought it was a nice thing to say'.

I've said it's absolutely not on and is totally disrespectful to me, basically you want her to know you find her attractive, why on earth would you tell her that otherwise? He just kept saying he's really sorry and that he didn't mean it 'like that', that she's just a friend. I said well if your friend x (who has a girlfriend) commented on one of my pictures like that I'd find it pretty bloody weird and inappropriate and so would his girlfriend. What do you reckon her boyfriend makes of this?

He admitted it was 'a lapse in judgement', lots more 'I'm really sorry'. I put the phone down on him. Fuming and trying to get on with some work now.

In answer to some of your questions, yes I do have Instagram and yes he always tells me I'm pretty, hot etc Hmm

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