An Instagram one ...

[thousandships]

Name changed for this is frankly I’m embarrassed to be posting.

My partner and I have been together for five years. We don’t live together for work and family reasons. We live about an hour and a half away from each other and spend five days of every 14 together, plus longer periods of time when commitments allow. We both like our independence, are happy and it works for us etc. Just adding that for background.

My partner puts lots of photos on his Instagram. I was looking through those yesterday and one in particular had a lot of likes. One of the likes was from a woman I recognised from a party we were at in November, so I had a nosey at her profile.

She and my partner follow each other’s Instagram, obviously. They met on a project they worked on over the summer but won’t have seen each other since then, other than the party we were all at (me with him and her with her boyfriend), as she lives by me rather than in his city.

About half of her pictures are selfies and I can see that my partner has liked all of these. Any post she puts up which doesn’t actually have her in it he hasn’t liked. Her most recent post is of her all glammed up for New Years Eve. My partner has not only liked this picture, he’s also took the time to comment ‘you’re so pretty!’

This is really winding me up! I find it really disrespectful for him to comment on her picture in that way. I get that he’ll of course find people other than me attractive. However, it’s one thing to look at a picture and think she’s pretty, but to actually comment … well the only reason to do that is because you want to convey to that person that you find them attractive. Oh and the day he wrote the comment was also our 5 year anniversary, which we’re having to spend apart as I have a family member in hospital. Nice.

I don’t think they’re in contact in real life and she knows he has me and he knows she has a boyfriend. I’m not actually worried that something is going on - that would be a reach - but I am upset and pissed off at how inappropriate this is.

My dilemma is, do I say something to him? I don’t want to look like I’m stalking his social media and it feels really juvenile to be upset about something on Instagram, but I feel really upset by this. You just don’t basically tell someone ‘I fancy you’ when you’re in a relationship! Should I just leave it or should I say something?

It’s disrespectful. Even liking them all and getting drawn in by thirst traps is absolutely shitty. Tell him it stops or you’re off.

Oops just seen your update. You said exactly the right things. Good that he’s apologised. I’d want him to be grovelling and I’d fall out over this, but maybe not dump if he never does it again and he’s otherwise a great BF.

Ok so getting on with my work is not happening! The 'she's a friend' comment is bollocks. She's an acquaintance, not someone he knows well enough to get away with making a comment like that to 'as a friend'. He has some long term female friends that I actually wouldn't mind him saying it to, but someone he worked with for a month and has seen only once since?

I wonder if a comment about asking the lines of "all dressed up for a night out, I hope you have a great time" wouldn't have bothered you, while "you're so pretty" seems like him declaring his admiration. The first comment is transient, the second is not.

@APineForestInWinter exactly!

That should say
I wonder if a comment along the lines of...

I’m glad you spoke to him about it.

I’m afraid I have 2 completely differing stories of my own in relation to this issue - an ex did this constantly and indeed it transpired he was actually initiating affairs with these women and would tell me they were his ‘friends’. Eventually one of these women sent me allllll the messages between them - interesting reading especially since we had been mid mortgage application!! He had told her we were just a casual relationship. Needless to say I pulled out of both the mortgage application AND the relationship!

With my current partner I’ve noticed ‘likes’ in the past too - I was honest with him about how it made me feel and he actually physically removed those women from his social media on his own accord, I hadn’t asked or implied he do that, they werent close friends though and he feels my feelings matter more to him. He was in the past super guilty of scrolling social media and randomly liking anything so I certainly didn’t read too much into it - for me it was more how they were interpreting his frequent likes on their ‘dressed up’ photos - it was a bikini photo he had ‘liked’ that piqued my attention.

He could totally see and understand my feelings though - and agreed if the shoe was on the other foot and I was liking photos of men constantly he wouldn’t be comfortable or happy with it either.

OK OP He's been humble in his response. Let him contact you now. Leave him to think about what he did.

A like here or there wouldn't bother me but he seems to have liked every single picture that she has put up and commented on her looks.

Sorry OP but that would make me uncomfortable too. You can do better.

Well if he tells male acquaintances how handsome he thinks they are, he's obviously just a really nice bloke. Oh wait, men don't do that do they? Because it's about them trying their chances with women they fancy. That's the truth of it

He needs to delete her from social media.

I may not be the best person to advise as I am insecure but I'd be furious!
Like you say, it's normal to find other people attractive but I wouldn't want to know about it. Furthermore, commenting on her photo is a puic declaration that he finds her attractive. I would definitely have to say something.

He sounds like a bloody idiot. Why do you want to be in a relationship with an idiot?

Start a conversation about liking posts and ask him if he likes women's glam selfies/what he thinks about men doing that. If he says he does it, tell him you don't like it and explain why. If he lies, all bets are off and you can just tell him you looked and know he is lying.

Yuk get rid. Completely making an idiot out of you

I hate to use that phrase I see on this site 'Cool wife' (or GF/Partner etc
I was one of those, I would have thought, "oh I agree she is pretty, we all find people attractive no biggie" . and My husband had an affair right under my nose mainly on Instagram so I would not keep quiet, I would raise it calmly and tell him that you find that disrespectful his response will tell you if he is a decent guy or not- Fly off the handle and say you are a psycho stalker etc, then you know
If however he apologies reassures you and agrees that its inappropriate behavior then maybe it can be worked on.
Thats just my experience my 2cents !

OP, you handled that really well.

He would no longer be the man for me. This woman has been in his head, and he chose to move forward with expressing his attraction to her. She knows you are ‘together,’ so his sniffing around her has made you an object of pity/gossip.

You don’t have a partnership of equal respect and commitment.

Well done . You have fired a warning shot over his bow - try to pull back now but be vigilant .