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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can they ever change back

27 replies

ChristmasPudding12 · 07/01/2022 02:03

Relationship with DP for 2 years. Amazing at first attentative and caring. last year a lot of red flags. He's definitely emotionally abuse. I can't let go of the man I met tho and end it. Do they ever change back or is it just going to get worse?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/01/2022 02:04

It always gets worse. Stop living in denial and get rid of this twat.

GarageMusicLover1980 · 07/01/2022 02:15

No

DartmoorChef · 07/01/2022 02:20

They don't change back, they just change into who they really are and generally get worse. . It takes several years to get to see the real person.

Original poster
ChristmasPudding12 · 07/01/2022 02:26

Thank you, I don't know what I'm holding onto I'm finding it hard knowing it's went so wrong and I've been so stupid to put up with it, I was hoping it would be a blip

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 07/01/2022 02:26

It'll get worse for you til you leave him. Then he'll be lovely to the next victim...

Original poster
ChristmasPudding12 · 07/01/2022 02:36

I feel so sick and stupid he's done a total number on me

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 07/01/2022 02:44

Don't beat yourself up, being lovely is what these guys do, til they have you. You at least have spotted the red flags quite early, some women spend years walking on egg shells and tiptoeing round before they realise what you have already acknowledged to yourself.

Dump him, head high..

Original poster
ChristmasPudding12 · 07/01/2022 03:12

Thank you I'm or a poster so often but a lurker and I knew I'd get good advice I thought it would be this I just was holding onto hope.
I left my ex after 13 yrs of very serious physical abuse. I met DP an he swept me off my feet. I had never met anyone as kind and charming an caring and I cannot believe all those months and months of affection and kindness has ended up like this. I feel like a total idiot

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 07/01/2022 03:15

You don't need to feel like an idiot. Hes essentially tricked you, and that's not your fault. I think most of is have been sucked in my the charm offensive and swept of our feet, but eventually the mask has slipped, it always does. Congratulate yourself for realising this now and being strong enough to leave. It is to be commended, not berated Smile

Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2022 03:57

The thing is op, he NEVER was that person. It was a mask designed to reel you in.

Even if he started acying nice again- you know he isn't. Because nice people don't abuse their partners.

Sometimes they cycle back to good behaviour when you qre leaving/leave them I order to re-trap you.

But you have to remeber its.not.real.

Monty27 · 07/01/2022 04:00

You're holding on to a fairy tale OP.
And no they don't change as such, they just get worse watching you crumble.
Get him gone.

barbedwired · 07/01/2022 08:38

NO with big huge waving red flags

LeifSan · 07/01/2022 08:42

No one healthy ever wants to sweep someone else off their feet. It’s not romantic, it’s creating a dependency. We need collectively to aim for someone who is going to be supportive as we stand on our own two feet - people who promote our strength and independence and who are happy for us to choose to be with them, not to end up forced to be with them out of fear, dependence and anxiety.

LadyCatStark · 07/01/2022 08:42

Apparently it’s very common for abusers to start showing their true colours after 18 months - 2 years. The “loveliness” is part of the abuse, to lure you in and make sure you’re too committed to leave.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/01/2022 08:45

Let go of any and all hope he will change; that is what keeps you within this too. This is who he is and when someone tells you who they are it pays to believe them. He will try and destroy you like your ex tried to destroy you.

You basically went from one abusive man to another one; a not uncommon scenario sadly when people have been previously abused in relationships.

Your boundaries in relationships, skewed already by previous abuse, have been further got at by this man now. He targeted you deliberately also to abuse. You are NOT an idiot!. These men are truly world class master manipulators and their act of niceness is just that, an act designed to draw women in and an act they cannot hope to ever maintain. Such men too hate women, all of them. Their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one

Love your own self for a change going forward, talk to Womens Aid and also as a part of your recovery from abuse look at the Freedom Programme.

TheFoundation · 07/01/2022 10:35

@ChristmasPudding12

I feel so sick and stupid he's done a total number on me
It's not your fault you got lied to. It is your responsibility to get away from liars, though.

Don't beat yourself up. Loads of lovely, smart people end up in this situation.

He might go back to how he was in waves, between carrying on how he is now. It's known as the abuse cycle.

But, fundamentally, what you're considering is continuing a relationship with someone you know to be an emotional abuser. Have a look at why that isn't an instant dealbreaker for you.

adollopofthisandthat · 07/01/2022 10:43

Me too @ChristmasPudding12 it is so so hard to keep going and leave them, but it's the only option, especially if you have DC.

I lie awake in the wee hours wondering if I have got it wrong about DH...maybe I am the controlling one, maybe he's just been upset because I haven't loved him enough...and then I remember that's all just crap and he is a nasty piece of work. Not all the time though, and he definitely doesn't look like it when he's in tears begging me to stay...but I just keep having to remind myself of some of his behaviour when I first told him to leave...now I've seen him do that I can't kid myself he's a reasonable person.

Get out of there as soon as you can, you've realised it's abuse a lot earlier than I did so make the most of that and set yourself free.

layladomino · 07/01/2022 11:57

He can't go back to being that person because he was pretending, which he did just enough to hook you in.

You're now seeing the real him. He may have temporary periods of pretending again (eg if he thinks you might leave him, he might make some promises and say the right things for a bit) but he will always revert to the true him.

TheFoundation · 07/01/2022 12:18

Whatever he does now, behaviourally, he can't go back to how he was because how he was was 'somebody who would never hurt you'. He can't be that person again, because he has hurt you.

The perfection isn't coming back.

Original poster
ChristmasPudding12 · 07/01/2022 12:42

I love you all thank you, a friend I confided in has been good and reiterating the same things, I need to hear it over and over and every version of it to get it into my head and stop feeling like there's a chance. I have just been reading these replies over and over trying to get it to sink in. He had lived with me for a couple months but I asked him to leave November and he did what you all say an felt better but not for long. It took me over a month but finally got him to move out last month and since then it's been up and down. I've told him before a lot over past couple months that I'm finding it hard how he is treating me. Today i had strength and belief to be able to text telling him it's over and I feel sick to my stomach but know it's the right thing. I feel absolutely devestated an mourning the person who made me feel so loved and happy. I find it hard to see future all I wanted was a big happy family. I'm trying to see now that my happy family is me and my kids (i don't have any kids with him, they are with my ex husband) i struggle with loneliness and having someone to cuddle into at night and share life with. I thought after my ex I had found my happy ever after, I'm hurting so much. I have reached out to my woman's aid worker and have made drs app for mon as already suffer with GAD and depression and this situation has completely knocked me into a black hole. I'm barely eating or sleeping despite my usual meds of which I'm on the highest dose. I just feel completely violated and used. It's horrible. Thank you all so much for your posts they have helped so much

OP posts:
Moretodo · 07/01/2022 12:52

You are mourning the fantasy. The hope. The potential. Of what could have been, and that's OK.

But as others have said, that was pretence. An act. In truth, you miss the act. You want him to put the mask back on.

You could spend the rest of your life fawning, negotiating, compromising with him to act like he cares again.
He might throw you a few crumbs now and then, to manipulate you into keeping 'trying' while your mental, emotional and physical health declines and you become a hollowed out shell.

The damage is done.
Don't give him further opportunity to damage you for a few crumbs of fantasy..you know what to do, you have been here before.

Sending very best wishes for a sane, healthy, abuse free 2022.

Original poster
ChristmasPudding12 · 07/01/2022 13:48

Thank you @Moretodo everything you're saying makes perfect sense and I know that's the situation I'm in, it's still totally devestating, I've not been thru a break up before apart from ex husband and I was so relieved I didn't feel upset or miss anything it had gone on so long. I'm trying to think of this ike that and see he is not the person I thought he was. I'm absolutely heart broken tho I can't stop crying and just feels like last 2 yr all been a lie and I've been totally used, my chest is tight and I can't get the caring loving part of him out of my head💔💔💔

OP posts:
adollopofthisandthat · 07/01/2022 14:02

well done @ChristmasPudding12 I understand exactly what you are saying and what you are feeling, I'm going through the same thing myself and it is so, so hard.

I keep wanting to hold my DH's hand, to be cuddled and reassured it'll all be ok...but I know it won't be. Or it won't be for long.

On another thread a poster said we need to stop craving to be healed by our abuser, and that is exactly the issue here...we deserve more genuine love and support, not more of the same rubbish that's kept us in our place all this time.

Original poster
ChristmasPudding12 · 07/01/2022 17:33

Thanks @adollopofthisandthat I'm sorry you are going through the same. Your comment about healing resonates with me. All I want is him to come and cuddle me and be the man he was. But like you say it won't be for long and then back to feeling like this again anyway. My friends said need to heal and love myself first. I can't see how can ever trust any man when these red flags take time to apear, it's just devestating they aren't who we thought they were. Is your DP still living in the house? That must be so much more difficult how are you coping xxx

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 07/01/2022 17:49

Many of us have had the same experience so can relate to your confusion and hurt.Thinking we have found the perfect man (for us) and finally have our "happy every after" and then the behaviour changes.

Write down how he has mistreated you as it will help to keep you strong. If may also help to research covert narcissism.