Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a potential red flag?

40 replies

Mustbewineoclock · 06/01/2022 19:14

NC for this.

Is this a potential red flag, or am I being over sensitive?

Messaging DP of around 4 months about day-to-day things, including health of my DF who's recently had quite a bad accident, and he drops a sexual comment in to one of his messages.

For context we do often exchange dirty messages and the actual comment itself was fine, it was the timing of it that threw me.

I respond with an eye roll and ended the conversation, but, it actually upset me a bit. So, when I spoken to him the following day I said it was a really inappropriate time to say something like that and that I was quite upset.

This was met with, what do mean, are you really upset over that? You're strange, you know I would never do anything to upset you. At one point I actually said that may be I was being over sensitive and started to question myself.

There's been no acceptance on his part that he may have been in the wrong and no apology.

This is the first relationship I've had since separating from ExDh a few years ago. We were together for 17 years and he would have totally accepted responsibility for the bad timing and apologised straight away, so my judgement may be clouded.

OP posts:
Tulipsandviolets · 06/01/2022 19:30

Probably just didn't think...a lot of men don't

Notyouraveragecupofcoffee · 06/01/2022 19:33

Always, always trust your intuition.

You weren't being strange at all! You were discussing your father's health, at which point he thought it appropriate to make a sexual joke. That's not just bad taste.

The fact that he's totally unwilling to see your point as is trying to make you feel bad for it, says it all really.

twominutesmore · 06/01/2022 19:59

I doubt a guy you've only known for four months wants to hear about your dad's health but I'd expect him to at least pretend to be interested.

oopsyoudiditagain · 06/01/2022 20:03

@twominutesmore

I doubt a guy you've only known for four months wants to hear about your dad's health but I'd expect him to at least pretend to be interested.
This, pretty much….
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 06/01/2022 20:04

what do mean, are you really upset over that? You're strange, you know I would never do anything to upset you.

But he literally did something that upset you. It's not up to him to decide whether you're upset or not. Massive red flag.

BoodleBug51 · 06/01/2022 20:07

I would be OK with him dropping the comment, tbh, but it's his reaction that I wouldn't like.

When your gut tells you something, don't ignore it.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 06/01/2022 20:10

But he did upset you. You told him he did. He dismissed what you said...dismisisng your feelings. Never a good sign.

Original poster
Mustbewineoclock · 06/01/2022 20:15

@twominutesmore

I agree, but he was the one that asked how he was doing following his accident. I would have hoped he'd be polite enough to fake an interest in my reply.

OP posts:
XJellytotx · 06/01/2022 20:16

Maybe he's not sure what to say and finds those sorts of things difficult so he tried to swerve the conversation and steer it into a light topic.
Does come across rude and uninterested though.

BlingLoving · 06/01/2022 20:19

I completely disagree that he would not be interested in your dad's health after 4 months. I would be interested and concerned in the health of a dad of a random mum on the school run if it came up and I think any half way decent man would.

It was inappropriate and, more worryingly, he didn't take your feelings on board.

If the relationship is otherwise good, I'd let it go. But...I'd be very much less inclined to do so if he was inappropriate again and/or didn't take your feelings on board next time. It could be some thoughtlessness and selfishness that, over time, will fall away. OR it could be that he's seeing how far he can push you. Hopefully the former, be prepared for the latter.

Original poster
Mustbewineoclock · 06/01/2022 20:24

Yes, it's his reaction to me being upset that has actually raised the alarm bells, rather than the actual comment. Even if he'd said a half hearted sorry, I didn't think, it would be better than his response.

OP posts:
33goingon64 · 06/01/2022 20:25

If this is a one off I'd just park it and move on (some men can find it hard to judge stuff like that) but if there are more incidents like this I'd be suggesting you're not well suited. My DH has, on several occasions over our relationship of 16 years (so probably only a handful of times), interrupted me in the middle of a serious point with an irrelevant remark or started to change the subject. He claims he thought I'd finished but I still can't get why he can move on to something to do with, say, crisps, when I've been talking about a friend's marriage break up or an experience I had at school or whatever. However he's normally great, so although it annoys me I let it go. 4 months isn't very long at all so I wouldn't rush into judging him based on one misjudged comment.

Original poster
Mustbewineoclock · 06/01/2022 20:31

@XJellytotx Maybe, although I can think of several ways of changing to a lighter topic without it being x-rated Smile.

OP posts:
MimiDaisy11 · 06/01/2022 20:37

I don’t like the response he gave. Telling someone you’d never upset them when you have is tone deaf. I guess like the inappropriate comment he didn’t think what he was saying through. It could be a red flag or it could be just a mistake when he wasn’t thinking clearly. If you otherwise feel good about the relationship I’d continue with it but be aware of anything else that comes up.

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/01/2022 20:42

I think this is the sort of problem which comes with referring to a boyfriend you’ve only known for a few weeks as a “partner.” You’ve elevated him to this status where you expect him to react like a life partner would to the enormities of life; when really, you barely know him at all and he’s acting like, well, a new boyfriend. And obviously you end up disappointed.

It might be a “red flag” of things to come; it might just be that you’re expecting too much from him at this stage and this is the kind of talk where it’s really important to lean into our close friends for support instead. Keep an eye on whether it’s a one off or whether him being dismissive of you becomes a pattern.

LosingTheWill2 · 06/01/2022 20:42

You told him that something he said had upset you and he tried to mitigate it, definite red flag! When someone tells you who they are, listen!

Original poster
Mustbewineoclock · 06/01/2022 20:59

@LosingTheWill2 "You told him that something he said had upset you and he tried to mitigate it"

@MimiDaisy11 "Telling someone you’d never upset them when you have is tone deaf."

I think that pretty much somes it up, regardless of whether he's a DP, BF or just a friend, he should have at least accepted my feelings.

Maybe the benefit of the doubt needs to be given on this occasion.

OP posts:
Coffee4685 · 06/01/2022 20:59

An ex did something similar to me once; made a sexual comment when I was conveying how ill I was.

It really unnerved me and it wasn’t the only shady thing about him. Some months later he was dumped.

Listen to your gut. Inappropriate comment, telling you how to feel and dismissing your reaction -= nope nope nope.

Natty13 · 06/01/2022 21:06

The thing is, it doesn't matter what we all think about what you were upset about. You feel what you feel and feelings are never wrong. You hardly kicked off at him, you sound like you explained that reasonably and calmly. For me, one of the biggest red flags in life is people who invalidate your feelings. I think it shows at the very least emotional immaturity that he couldn't just acknowledge how you feel and apologise.

Fidgetty · 06/01/2022 21:25

This isn't a good sign at all, both the inappropriate timing of his comment but mostly his lack of apology. Both things remind me of my ex. I too had minor niggles like this at the beginning and ignored my instincts. It really didn't work out well for me in the end. It sounds trite but trust your gut. Don't settle OP...

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/01/2022 21:28

I agree with you OP

Comment may have been I'll judged. But if someone told me that my comment upset them, and explained why, even if I disagreed I think I'd stay silent at the very least. But I'd reflect and apologise usually.

That he called you strange then denied even doing anything to upset you when he clearly did, is worrying.

I couldn't be with someone who has to be 'right' or 'won't an argument at any cost and can never look at their own behaviour and accept they may have been wrong about something or may need to change something. It's very emotionally immature

Honeyroar · 06/01/2022 21:30

@Mustbewineoclock

Yes, it's his reaction to me being upset that has actually raised the alarm bells, rather than the actual comment. Even if he'd said a half hearted sorry, I didn't think, it would be better than his response.
I agree. He should’ve apologised for upsetting you, not bounced it back at you and tried to make you feel bad again.
Gatekeeperoffood · 06/01/2022 21:37

Sounds like he's gaslighting you to me

Being horrified when you have unintentially upset someone is a normal response. His response shows signs of bad things to come, he's dismissive and defensive and manipulative to boot. Trust your instincts and bin him!

Mischiefofmice · 06/01/2022 22:16

It’s not so much what he said or the timing, it’s the reaction to your hurt that is off. Not feeling he needs to apologise and being dismissive is a big red flag. Be wary.

LosingTheWill2 · 06/01/2022 22:21

Google gaslighting