Is this a potential red flag?

[Mustbewineoclock]

NC for this.

Is this a potential red flag, or am I being over sensitive?

Messaging DP of around 4 months about day-to-day things, including health of my DF who's recently had quite a bad accident, and he drops a sexual comment in to one of his messages.

For context we do often exchange dirty messages and the actual comment itself was fine, it was the timing of it that threw me.

I respond with an eye roll and ended the conversation, but, it actually upset me a bit. So, when I spoken to him the following day I said it was a really inappropriate time to say something like that and that I was quite upset.

This was met with, what do mean, are you really upset over that? You're strange, you know I would never do anything to upset you. At one point I actually said that may be I was being over sensitive and started to question myself.

There's been no acceptance on his part that he may have been in the wrong and no apology.

This is the first relationship I've had since separating from ExDh a few years ago. We were together for 17 years and he would have totally accepted responsibility for the bad timing and apologised straight away, so my judgement may be clouded.

@Gatekeeperoffood

Sounds like he's gaslighting you to me

Being horrified when you have unintentially upset someone is a normal response. His response shows signs of bad things to come, he's dismissive and defensive and manipulative to boot. Trust your instincts and bin him!

Get a grip!

Someone who genuinely cared for you wouldn't steamroller you feelings like an oaf, never mind tell you how to feel about it.

Best case emotionally infantile knuckle dragger, worst case self absorbed manipulator.

Neither are relationship material imho.

At one point I actually said that may be I was being over sensitive and started to question myself.

OP, you allowed yourself to backpedal in response to his manipulative blame shifting. Your feelings were valid and he should have apologized.

You don’t have to tolerate anyone who devalues and tramples on your boundaries.

I hope your dad is going to be okay.

@Closetbeanmuncher

Someone who genuinely cared for you wouldn't steamroller you feelings like an oaf, never mind tell you how to feel about it.

Best case emotionally infantile knuckle dragger, worst case self absorbed manipulator.

Neither are relationship material imho.

This sums it up nicely .

I'd call it an orange flag. It's not so severe that it calls for immediate dumping, but I'd regard it as a strike one.

A further incident would be strike two/a red flag, with the warning given that you've seen this behaviour twice now and won't accept it in a long-term relationship, and a third incident would be him out.

Ugh sounds like my ex. We could be in the middle of an apocalypse and he could make a comment about sex. He made comments like that early on and it should’ve sent up red flags for me. He turned out to be an insensitive prick and was never available emotionally for deeper serious conversations

I think it shows immaturity. I couldn’t be with someone like that personally. I’m sorry that he wasn’t more empathic.

He sounds emotionally immature to me. What normal adult makes a sexual comment during such a conversation? Then makes our you're strange for calling him out on his timing. If he needed to change the subject as he couldn't cope or was bored, do you really want to be with something who does it this way?

He's showing where he's at with this relationship.

You're discussing day to day and important family things.
He just tuned it out, as he's thinking about his dick.

You refer to him as DP. He probably is thinking of you as a nice person to spend time with and sex.

Hus reaction is a huge red flag.
The second they tell you you have no right to be upset about something - run. Run fast, run far.

Know someone like this. While not a bad person they lack empathy and struggle to form romantic relationships.

It's the lack of apology that is the problem.

Anyone can misjudge the room or accidentally upset someone they have only known for a few months.

Healthy people apologise for doing so, they don't try to make the other person feel at fault.

And someone who is unable to apologise for something like this is unlikely to be able to apologise for anything - he will be one of those people where everything is always your fault, nothing to do with him - just like in this case.

Unless that's what you are looking for, dump him.

Run like the wind if you have any reservations.

@RantyAunty

He's showing where he's at with this relationship.

You're discussing day to day and important family things.
He just tuned it out, as he's thinking about his dick.

You refer to him as DP. He probably is thinking of you as a nice person to spend time with and sex.

This.

Seems like any real/serious discussion is just noise/blah blah blah to him, he's really thinking about his dick. That's how he sees the relationship.

Anyway, what he did was crass and inappropriate.

And he's pretty gas lighting afterward too.

I'd be concerned that he feels no need to apologise for the effect of his comments because he thinks his intentions are more important than your feelings. He's dismissing you and not taking responsibility for his actions. His comments were a poorly timed mistake, it happens. Adults should be capable of reflecting on their behaviour and apologising.