I feel I often offend people/say the wrong thing

[NC76379]

I’m starting to become convinced I often say the wrong things to people and offend them. It’s happened several times in recent years where I apparently have done, but I have done a lot of thinking and I really don’t understand what I’m doing or saying wrong.
I’m not one of those “brutally honest” people who voice their opinions. I don’t discuss politics and I don’t really have strong political views anyway. I am religious, and that might offend people, but I only talk about my beliefs if someone specifically asks me.
I’ve spoken to my partner about this and he says he’s never witnessed me saying anything offensive to anyone, but that’s possibly a matter of opinion. I know for a fact I have upset at least several people in the last few years.
I do have anxiety and I realise that might be part of the problem, but it does concern me. I definitely have a need to be liked, and the idea of hurting others does bother me.

Most people offend someone at some point. No one has the right not to be offended.

It can up upsetting to offended someone inadvertently but you can only actually address it if they tell you you've offended them.

If they do, then apologise and make.reparations if necessary. If not, don't worry about it.

Can you give us examples?

Without examples it’s impossible for anyone to judge whether you’re rude or the people who were upset just looking to take offence. Do you believe these people were offended in good faith (i.e. you know them well and they are not the sorts to stir up drama or pretend to be upset for their own gain etc)?

As previous poster says, all of us will offend some people at some points in our lives. But what’s most important is how we respond to that. The right thing to do, if you know the person is otherwise reasonable / they are a friend is to apologise and say that you didn’t mean to offend and will think more carefully about how you say that particular thing in future. The wrong thing to do, and what often compounds the offends, is to become overly defensive and try to make the other person look unreasonable.

I can’t give examples as no-one has actually called me out on anything. One person I’m referring to is definitely someone who’s always falling out with people and who does have problems with friendships. If she was the only person then I wouldn’t be too concerned, but it’s the fact that someone else was upset by me too (it was some years ago, but I never found out what I said wrong).

Several times in the last few years? Really not an issue.

I used to think it might be me. After years of comparing others (my Dsis and DH in particular) to me I've decided it's a bit that I am quieter in company so could be interpreted as unfriendly or having an issue. Then I'm more sensitive to any fallings out. Others definitely brush stuff off more easily and sometimes tbh I'm amazed they haven't picked up their own faux pas.
I had a one-sided "enemy" hug me drunkenly this year and say "aww Sue" but then they were in the middle of a massive falling out with someone new 😂. Some thrive on drama.

That's a good point @NewYearSue . My shyness has been interpreted as rudeness when faced with big groups of people.

How do you know you’re offending people? Is there a chance you are worrying and dwelling on things that might not have happened?

OP have you considered that what you believe is actually not true. We make stories up about ourselves to convince ourselves that is who we are. In addition you have become a mind reader by thinking that you know what is going on in their head, which of course you do not.

I would recommend 'A Liberated Mind' by Steven Hayes

@NewYearSue I’m definitely sensitive to fall outs too. Yes, some people really do thrive on drama and they seem to need it all the time. I hate drama and I try to avoid it, but still attract it sometimes and then it really upsets me.

@Normski67

How do you know you’re offending people? Is there a chance you are worrying and dwelling on things that might not have happened?

I’ve been told by other people that I have said something wrong (several occasions where this has happened) but when I questioned what, I haven’t had an explanation. So it’s definitely happening sometimes, I just don’t know why.

@WineThenMisletoe Thanks for the book recommendation. I think part of the problem is my sensitivity to rejection or exclusion or the idea of hurting others. But I still think I put my foot in it more often than the average person and I really need to work out what I’m doing wrong.

Or maybe you just notice more than the average person?

Loads of people are oblivious ime.

@NewYearSue I think I do notice it more, and I think I’m quite depressed at the moment which is magnifying things.

I think saying something that offends a few times in a few years is pretty good going op.i think a lot of peoples office hit rate is higher than yours. We’re only human, e will make mistakes, it’sa given.

I've been offended by two people recently. Seperate unrelated occasions. The issue wasn't worth talking to them about as it would have just come across as petty. My upset doesn't really change how I feel about the people in question, it'll fade away with time and they remain oblivious.
Point being that that's 2 people who have offended and not one wrinkle has it put in their day or their relationships... So this offence you are thinking of is likely nothing more than the kind of thing I mentioned happened to me, I think you might just have it out of perspective and be giving it more worry than it warrants.

I’m sorry OP but this is part of life. In order to be yourself you have to hold firm to your beliefs and defend them with kindness. You use phrases like “I’m sorry I disagree with you but this is my opinion” anyone who is offended shouldn’t be pandered to and shouldn’t be pursued for friendship. Most of my best friends hold strong beliefs. One is a huge conspiracy theorist. We are polar opposite but she is a good person who is kind but she quietly and firmly holds her beliefs. You have to be authentic and not everyone will like you. That’s ok. The only person you need to please is you

OP "I’ve been told by other people that I have said something wrong (several occasions where this has happened) but when I questioned what, I haven’t had an explanation. So it’s definitely happening sometimes, I just don’t know why."

Do you sometimes do sarcasm that might be unclear?

If it's several occasions, it's worth looking into. Do you have a trusted friend you could ask for advice?

The few people I can think of who regularly offend people, and have upset me, are the types who don’t have a fucking clue and/or love to dish it out but can’t take it. Their spouses would be the first to agree they’re prone to tactlessness or foot in mouth syndrome so honestly if yours thinks you’re worrying too much I think you’re okay

Agree with @moremooney on this one.

I think your problem may be people pleasing, maybe look into this?

I hate drama and I try to avoid it, but still attract it sometimes and then it really upsets me.

I’ve been told by other people that I have said something wrong (several occasions where this has happened) but when I questioned what, I haven’t had an explanation.

I think part of the problem is my sensitivity to rejection or exclusion or the idea of hurting others.

Putting these three things together, it seems like through not wanting to make anyone feel left out you might be tolerating / inviting people into your life who most people simply would not bother with due to those people having difficult personalities.

When someone tells you that you've done something wrong/to upset them, or makes a blanket/generalised criticism of you (eg "You're a control freak" or "You're a useless friend") but can't or won't explain to you clearly what you did/said wrong and why they were upset by it, it's extremely likely that they're some kind of drama queen/narcissist/emotional abuser.

I wouldn't spend any more time worrying about it, but perhaps be more discerning about who you become friends with. You don't have to become friends with someone just because nobody else will put up with them.

There's is nothing, nothing you could say to me that would offend me!

I I have a rule in life that if I don't have your phone number in my phone then you mean diddly squat to me and nothing that is said to me gets under my skin.

Don't worry op.

I think you're probably quite normal/offend people an average amount but worry about it more than average.

It sounds to me like you need to learn to trust yourself and your behaviour/instincts in social situations. If you can't remember doing anything wrong, trust that you didn't, and move on. Otherwise, toxic people can so easily control you by just telling you "so-and-so is mad at you" even when it's not true. Trust yourself ❤️ Trust that you're a good, kind, growing and learning human who is doing just fine (and it is ok to make mistakes, too!). Xx

Hi OP,

I would not be trusting or putting too much importance on what others say if they are not actually telling you what you have supposedly said that is 'wrong'.

It is not fair behaviour to hint at it and then not tell you. This strikes me as being manipulative and it leaves you guessing.

The book Selfhood by Dr. Terry Lynch might be helpful. It deals with boundaries and building a stronger sense of self.

Bianca Sparacino's podcasts truly made a difference to me. She has episodes on setting boundaries and taking care of yourself: podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/in-your-feelings/id149559215