I feel I often offend people/say the wrong thing

[NC76379]

I’m starting to become convinced I often say the wrong things to people and offend them. It’s happened several times in recent years where I apparently have done, but I have done a lot of thinking and I really don’t understand what I’m doing or saying wrong.
I’m not one of those “brutally honest” people who voice their opinions. I don’t discuss politics and I don’t really have strong political views anyway. I am religious, and that might offend people, but I only talk about my beliefs if someone specifically asks me.
I’ve spoken to my partner about this and he says he’s never witnessed me saying anything offensive to anyone, but that’s possibly a matter of opinion. I know for a fact I have upset at least several people in the last few years.
I do have anxiety and I realise that might be part of the problem, but it does concern me. I definitely have a need to be liked, and the idea of hurting others does bother me.

@Ohyesiam

I think saying something that offends a few times in a few years is pretty good going op.i think a lot of peoples office hit rate is higher than yours. We’re only human, e will make mistakes, it’sa given.

I think that’s true.

@TopCatsTopHat Yes, I think it’s out of perspective a bit. I’m definitely worrying too much about it, even though I think I do need to make changes with myself somehow.

@moremoony @Closetbeanmuncher I definitely think people pleasing is a bit problem for me.

@CheekyHobson

I hate drama and I try to avoid it, but still attract it sometimes and then it really upsets me.

I’ve been told by other people that I have said something wrong (several occasions where this has happened) but when I questioned what, I haven’t had an explanation.

I think part of the problem is my sensitivity to rejection or exclusion or the idea of hurting others.

Putting these three things together, it seems like through not wanting to make anyone feel left out you might be tolerating / inviting people into your life who most people simply would not bother with due to those people having difficult personalities.

When someone tells you that you've done something wrong/to upset them, or makes a blanket/generalised criticism of you (eg "You're a control freak" or "You're a useless friend") but can't or won't explain to you clearly what you did/said wrong and why they were upset by it, it's extremely likely that they're some kind of drama queen/narcissist/emotional abuser.

I wouldn't spend any more time worrying about it, but perhaps be more discerning about who you become friends with. You don't have to become friends with someone just because nobody else will put up with them.

This is a really interesting perspective, and something I’d not really considered. I do accept people who who they are, even the more difficult personalities, and I probably give them more time and understanding than they deserve. That’s definitely the case with one of the people I have offended recently.

@MizzFizz

I think you're probably quite normal/offend people an average amount but worry about it more than average.

It sounds to me like you need to learn to trust yourself and your behaviour/instincts in social situations. If you can't remember doing anything wrong, trust that you didn't, and move on. Otherwise, toxic people can so easily control you by just telling you "so-and-so is mad at you" even when it's not true. Trust yourself ❤️ Trust that you're a good, kind, growing and learning human who is doing just fine (and it is ok to make mistakes, too!). Xx

Yes! I doubt myself, and that’s part of the problem.

@Automaticforthepeople Thank you. I will check out the book and the podcasts.

People who habitually hurt/offend others don't spend very much time agonising about it, in my experience. We are all going to do so occasionally, however unintentional it is and the only remedy is an honest apology when and where appropriate.