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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being unreasonable?

39 replies

Thewho21 · 06/01/2022 15:42

Hello

I need some relationship advice… am I being unreasonable?

I have been in a relationship with a guy for approximately 2 years. We both have kids from a previous relationship. My daughter who is 18 and his son is 4. We live together with my daughter and have his son half of the week. I love his son like my own. My daughter was diagnosed with complex mental health problems last year. My partner does not understand mental health despite explaining that not everyone feels the same mentally. He constantly making comments to me about her lacking motivation to get washed and dressed, her only eating late at night, her disrupted sleeping habits and that she is unsure what she wants to do career wise. She is a little lost at the moment but is still managing to attend college.
Most of the time my partner and I have a fantastic relationship but he does say some things to upset me sometimes such as calling me by his ex wife’s name, saying I need to go on a diet and what foods I should cut out. He is not empathic in the slightest and when we argue he turns everything round as if it’s my fault. It’s so frustrating. We recently had an argument because I mentioned I wanted to have kids and marriage but he doesn’t as he had a bad experience with his ex wife. I accepted his decision and put my needs and wants on the back burner because I loved him and decided to stay and carry on through life having no more kids or marriage. Recently my daughter put something in the bin by accident which he needed. When he found out he said to me she is absolute retard. This has really upset me. I can put up with him saying things to me but not about my daughter. Do I leave him or try and sort this out?

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 06/01/2022 15:44

Leave him. You moved in together too quickly considering you both have children so you didn't get a chance to realise he's a twat who will attempt to drive a wedge between you and your daughter.

RoyKentsChestHair · 06/01/2022 15:46

Leave him. He has no respect for you or your DD. Disgusting specimen of a man. Sounds a lot like my ex. Took me longer than it should have done to get rid. If he’d started on my kids that would have made my decision easy.

litterbird · 06/01/2022 15:48

Leave immediately and concentrate on the health of your daughter. You may have moved forward with him a little too soon but you can move out fairly quickly. He isn’t right for you or your daughter.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 06/01/2022 15:51

Sounds like you cohabited in in haste.

Pop him in out and concentrate on your DD and yourself.

You don't have to spend your life doing as some bloke tells you to do.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 06/01/2022 15:54

Op, how long before he gets carried away and calls your daughter a retard within earshot or in front of her?

Imagine the damage it would do to her.

Are you ready to run that risk?

EveMonsoon · 06/01/2022 15:57

You’re not being unreasonable. What he said about your daughter is disgraceful and hurtful, and shows a lack of respect for you both. Also, the comments about dieting/what not to eat are concerning - typical control freak behaviour.

Is he the sort of person that will listen to you if you tell him how upset you are? Or would he be dismissive?

girlmom21 · 06/01/2022 16:01

Your partner is disrespectful to you and your daughter. He uses derogatory terms towards your daughter and tries to control you. He won't consider your hopes for the future because of his own bad experiences (I wonder why he had a shit marriage?!)

How can you possibly claim to have a fantastic relationship with a man like this?

WhatNoRaisins · 06/01/2022 16:03

From what you've said here he doesn't sound like much of a catch.

Tal45 · 06/01/2022 16:05

He sounds absolutely vile. If you can't do it for yourself then you need to leave him for the sake of your dd. How dare he call her that! I can't even type it it's so offensive.

Sidehustle99 · 06/01/2022 16:39

What a nasty man - LTB

Thewho21 · 06/01/2022 16:51

Thank you for all of your replies. You have all made it pretty clear. Why did I even think I was being unreasonable in the first place? Maybe because he makes it out that I’m the problem the reason why he says these things.

OP posts:
ForeverQuery · 06/01/2022 16:53

Who moved in with who?

Thewho21 · 06/01/2022 16:56

My daughter and I moved in with him

OP posts:
litterbird · 06/01/2022 17:16

Are you able to move out pretty soon? Can you organise accommodation?

Toffeepieandcream · 06/01/2022 18:00

*sorry I meant divisive

Toffeepieandcream · 06/01/2022 18:04

Oh gawd, I deleted long reply by mistake and now others have said exactly what I was going to....he sounds horrible and he could well become divisive re your relationship with your daughter. She needs you and I would continue supporting her and leave him...he sounds like a massive tit x

LizzieSiddal · 06/01/2022 18:06

He sounds horrible! You need to put your Dd first and move out asap.

Thewho21 · 06/01/2022 19:24

@EveMonsoon ive tried speaking to him tonight about how he is making me feel and how disrespectful it was to call my daughter that, and he isn’t the person I thought he was and he was just dismissive turned it round so it’s my fault and said it’s all in my head and that I like to exaggerate. He then ended up telling me F off and stormed out the room when I tried to tell him how he was making me feel. So we are now sitting in separate rooms feeling very uncomfortable. I don’t have anywhere I can go immediately as this is his home.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 06/01/2022 19:26

Where were you living before, OP? I really feel for you and your daughter.

SmallElephant · 06/01/2022 19:29

He sounds awful, OP. I can't believe he said that about your daughter Sad not to mention telling you to lose weight and refusing to marry you.

Thewho21 · 06/01/2022 20:09

@HollowTalk I lived in rented accommodation before we moved in together. I wish I never gave my home up for this. Lesson learnt…

OP posts:
moremoony · 06/01/2022 20:29

When did your daughters mental health issues start? Was it when you started or after you moved in with him? You must prioritise her. How would you feel if she harmed herself because he’s ripped her self esteem so badly?!? Your daughters health now depends on you doing the right thing by her. Of course he’d say it’s you being unreasonable. He’s never going to admit he’s own bad behaviour is he? The fact he called her a retard is enough to be ending this plus he doesn’t want what you want. There’s nothing here to work with. Get out ASAP

Aphrodite31 · 07/01/2022 01:11

Leave

user1471457751 · 07/01/2022 02:16

Have you considered that your daughter has poor mental health in part due to him? She had her life uprooted to move in with a man who treats her like shit. It was selfish of you to rush into living with him. Please get her out of this situation.

Weatherwax13 · 07/01/2022 02:34

You'll probably find DD's mental health improves once you leave the toxic atmosphere of that house. I think you should set about organising a new home as quickly as you can. You'll both feel so much better once you're away from him.