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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

39 replies

Thewho21 · 06/01/2022 15:42

Hello

I need some relationship advice… am I being unreasonable?

I have been in a relationship with a guy for approximately 2 years. We both have kids from a previous relationship. My daughter who is 18 and his son is 4. We live together with my daughter and have his son half of the week. I love his son like my own. My daughter was diagnosed with complex mental health problems last year. My partner does not understand mental health despite explaining that not everyone feels the same mentally. He constantly making comments to me about her lacking motivation to get washed and dressed, her only eating late at night, her disrupted sleeping habits and that she is unsure what she wants to do career wise. She is a little lost at the moment but is still managing to attend college.
Most of the time my partner and I have a fantastic relationship but he does say some things to upset me sometimes such as calling me by his ex wife’s name, saying I need to go on a diet and what foods I should cut out. He is not empathic in the slightest and when we argue he turns everything round as if it’s my fault. It’s so frustrating. We recently had an argument because I mentioned I wanted to have kids and marriage but he doesn’t as he had a bad experience with his ex wife. I accepted his decision and put my needs and wants on the back burner because I loved him and decided to stay and carry on through life having no more kids or marriage. Recently my daughter put something in the bin by accident which he needed. When he found out he said to me she is absolute retard. This has really upset me. I can put up with him saying things to me but not about my daughter. Do I leave him or try and sort this out?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2022 05:12

What the hell are you doing with this total asshole? Thank feck he doesn't want kids with you or you wpuld gave been trapped.

You need to find your self respect again because this guy is scum and treats not only you but also your daughter like shit.

Come on now op, surely you know that nasty people like him should have no place in anyones' life.

Get him gone. Protect your child.

Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2022 05:14

Also always freaks me out when people say 'he has no empathy' as if its a little irritation. When actually it's bloody terrifying.

LizzieSiddal · 07/01/2022 07:58

Thewho21

HollowTalk I lived in rented accommodation before we moved in together. I wish I never gave my home up for this. Lesson learnt…

Are you in a position to move out asap?

thetinsoldier · 07/01/2022 08:12

Leave him. He sounds awful. Your dd needs you- put her first.

If my partner called my dd a retard I'd end things right there and kick him out. Twat.

Sprucewillis · 07/01/2022 11:33

Don't try to work it out with him please - he will agree to what you ask until he's eaten his birthday cake. Stuff London - save your money. Good luck OP

Sprucewillis · 07/01/2022 11:34

Wrong thread Confused sorry

Suzi888 · 07/01/2022 11:37

“saying I need to go on a diet and what foods I should cut out.” Calling your DD a retard…

My goodness, contact the council and see if they can assist you with your housing needs. He’s abusive- the end.

Anordinarymum · 07/01/2022 11:45

You say most of the time you have a fantastic relationship. Reading this says you don't, and further reading says you have exposed your daughter to his behaviour.
You need to find somewhere else to live ASAP and block him from your lives.
Good luck x

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2022 11:51

You’re suffering from extremely poor self esteem. What a bloody good job he doesn’t want more children. He’s be a terrible father.

Get out as quickly as you can. There are things that can be worked on but not any of the stuff you’re talking about. He’s revolting.

Can you see from the responses that this is an awful relationship and your daughter’s struggles may well be caused or exacerbated by living with a critical, controlling, soulless man?

layladomino · 07/01/2022 11:54

He is showing you who he is. It won't get better.

If someone called my DC that name that would be it.
If someone told me to lose weight and tried to control my diet that would be it.
He is telling you things are in your head but actually he is not a nice person, and he's trying to convince you that he's fine and it's YOU that's in the wrong, or imagining it. You aren't imagining it. He's not nice. Please leave him for your DD sake if not your own. She shouldn't have to live with someone who calls her names and criticies her. He will be making her MH worse.

She needs to know you will put her first and she can rely on you.

EveMonsoon · 07/01/2022 11:59

[quote Thewho21]@EveMonsoon ive tried speaking to him tonight about how he is making me feel and how disrespectful it was to call my daughter that, and he isn’t the person I thought he was and he was just dismissive turned it round so it’s my fault and said it’s all in my head and that I like to exaggerate. He then ended up telling me F off and stormed out the room when I tried to tell him how he was making me feel. So we are now sitting in separate rooms feeling very uncomfortable. I don’t have anywhere I can go immediately as this is his home.[/quote]
@Thewho21 I really hope you can find somewhere to go shortly, even if it’s just a temporary solution until you find somewhere more permanent. You need to get yourself and your daughter out of this situation as it’s not doing either of you any good (to put it mildly) and it certainly doesn’t sound like he’s going to change his ways.

Best of luck to you. Flowers

Lastlongers · 22/03/2023 08:50

Thewho21 · 06/01/2022 15:42

Hello

I need some relationship advice… am I being unreasonable?

I have been in a relationship with a guy for approximately 2 years. We both have kids from a previous relationship. My daughter who is 18 and his son is 4. We live together with my daughter and have his son half of the week. I love his son like my own. My daughter was diagnosed with complex mental health problems last year. My partner does not understand mental health despite explaining that not everyone feels the same mentally. He constantly making comments to me about her lacking motivation to get washed and dressed, her only eating late at night, her disrupted sleeping habits and that she is unsure what she wants to do career wise. She is a little lost at the moment but is still managing to attend college.
Most of the time my partner and I have a fantastic relationship but he does say some things to upset me sometimes such as calling me by his ex wife’s name, saying I need to go on a diet and what foods I should cut out. He is not empathic in the slightest and when we argue he turns everything round as if it’s my fault. It’s so frustrating. We recently had an argument because I mentioned I wanted to have kids and marriage but he doesn’t as he had a bad experience with his ex wife. I accepted his decision and put my needs and wants on the back burner because I loved him and decided to stay and carry on through life having no more kids or marriage. Recently my daughter put something in the bin by accident which he needed. When he found out he said to me she is absolute retard. This has really upset me. I can put up with him saying things to me but not about my daughter. Do I leave him or try and sort this out?

How are you getting on now, did you managed to sort yourself out.?

Ofcourseshecan · 22/03/2023 09:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 09:09

Did you move ot OP?

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