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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I end this relationship

40 replies

peppermintteas · 06/01/2022 13:49

I have been with my partner for over 4 years and it has had its up and downs. We don't live together and I live with my two children which are not his, but they have become pretty attached to him as he has to them. I feel like the relationship has run it's course and I don't see a future with him that he does want. I feel lots of pressure to live with him, get married and have kids and I want all of those things, but I know it's not with him. I feel I should just be single for a while and find out who I am on my own, as I've never been single for long. I have worked on myself so much the past year and so proud of what I have managed, but he very much has no ambition and I just don't find him attractive anymore and feel he is always trying to sabotage what I am working towards. The problem is when I did end things last year he tried to kill himself. I worry about his mental health and the fact he has PTSD.

OP posts:
bluebells34 · 06/01/2022 13:57

You can not stay with someone becuase they threaten to kill themselves - that is worrying in itself. He does not sound very stable - is he getting suport wiht his mental health?
Life is too short to be in a relationship that has run its course. As difficult as it is you need to tell him that you want to concentrate on yourself and your kids - be honest and say the relationship has run its course. We are all adults responsible for our lives - good times and the bad - he needs to respect your decision.

eagerlywaitingfor · 06/01/2022 13:57

You can't hold yourself responsible for his actions. By doing what he did, he basically manipulated you into staying with him. That is not a healthy relationship.

If he threatens to do it again, call the police and get them to do a welfare check.

billy1966 · 06/01/2022 14:01

You tell him that it is over, that you want to be single and you don't see a future with him, but wish him the best.

You call the police at the first hint of manipulation.

If he wishes to end his life, that is his choice.

He doesn't get to control your life with the threat of ending his.

That is abusive.

He is not your responsibility.

Your children are.

Don't drag this out.

Kind but firm and contact the police at any hint of a threat.

Flowers
Original poster
peppermintteas · 06/01/2022 14:08

He's generally nice and stable when we are together, but when I ended it last year he was pretty horrible and said some not nice things to me. It did unfortunately coincide with someone he served with taking their own life too, but I know it's not my responsibility to look after his mental health. He tends to sulk a lot too when he doesn't get his way like when I want time on my own at home or when I don't want sex. He messages me a fair bit and it's always the same thing like he loves me or misses me, which really gives me the ick and I've said this to him before, but it still continues. He has been seeing someone for over a year about his mental health and seems ok mentally from what I can tell. I think he wants me to live with him and I'll end up becoming his slave to be honest and I find him being so lazy and not having ambition a real turn off. He's changed a lot physically and in himself since we met and I guess I stayed in some ways as it was lockdown and comfortable tbh. I feel bad for letting it progress for so long, but I don't think I had the confidence to leave until now, I just need to stick with it

OP posts:
Original poster
peppermintteas · 06/01/2022 14:11

I also feel guilty as my children don't have a good relationship with their dad and they do love him. I feel bad for putting them through two relationship breakdowns, especially my youngest I divorced when he was still a baby and he's only ever known my current partner being in our lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
peppermintteas · 06/01/2022 14:12

@billy1966

You tell him that it is over, that you want to be single and you don't see a future with him, but wish him the best.

You call the police at the first hint of manipulation.

If he wishes to end his life, that is his choice.

He doesn't get to control your life with the threat of ending his.

That is abusive.

He is not your responsibility.

Your children are.

Don't drag this out.

Kind but firm and contact the police at any hint of a threat.

Flowers

That's interesting you say abusive as I've never thought of it that way as he would always blame his ptsd.
OP posts:
RoyKentsChestHair · 06/01/2022 14:21

Doesn’t matter if it’s the PTSD that’s causing it or not. It’s still abusive behaviour. Your DCs may well love him but that doesn’t make him a good role model for them. They’ll be better off without seeing the way he treats their mum.

I know it’s hard. I’ve just had to leave an unsuitable man that I’ve loved for 9 years. I worried that my DCs were seeing unpleasant behaviour from him and seeing me unhappy too often. It’s been a rough month but now I’m coming out the other side of it and feeling more positive. Just rip the band aid off and in a few weeks you’ll be set. How he deals with the break up is on him. Nobody is responsible for another person’s suicide (unless they’re seriously abusive themselves and have ground someone down to that point). Ending a relationship that’s not working is a not a reason for someone to threaten or commit suicide.

billy1966 · 06/01/2022 14:22

"He tends to sulk a lot too when he doesn't get his way like when I want time on my own at home or when I don't want sex."

Further manipulation.

This is not a good relationship for your children to be around.

Well done for doing so much work on yourself.

You are not responsible for him.

Move on.Flowers

TheCatShatInTheHat · 06/01/2022 14:44

OP
I have PTSD and anxiety - but I'm a normal working mum (in a professional role). PTSD doesn't mean you can manipulate your parter into having sex when you want it by sulking (coercion), nor does it mean you are a lazy waste of space. That's just him, not the PTSD.

He is an abusive tosser and he is abusing you.

You need to leave this 'man' and get your children away from him. It known that some abusive people do threaten suicide when a partner tries to leave them - this is only said to try to control you and stop you from leaving. Very, very few would ever go through with it, and even if this guy did - it is not your responsibility. If he threats to do this call for an ambulance/police every time.

Honestly, you owe him nothing. Tell him you no longer wish to be in a relationship with him and then block him on all platforms. If he turns up, call the police.

You got this Flowers

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/01/2022 18:44

Don't feel bad about your kids. They're an even bigger reason to break with this bloke. So they don't have to witness an abusive relationship, which this absolutely is, and then replicate it as adults as they'll think it's normal.

One person's mental health doesn't trump another person's mental health. This is especially important for you to remember as you have children.

They learn what is acceptable, normal and healthy by what they witness. This relationship dynamic is none of those things. It's unhealthy, toxic and manipulative. He's abusive.

Please don't stay with him.

Original poster
peppermintteas · 06/01/2022 20:17

I've been thinking a lot this evening and really appreciate the comments made. I do know I need to leave now, I just need to find the guts to end it. I do feel bad as I do owe him some money as he's helped me out this last year with me losing my job and he's also spent a lot of money on me and the kids, which I never asked for or expected, but that can't be a reason to stay and I know that.

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 06/01/2022 20:48

You can pay back the money he helped you with. The other - spending a lot of money on you and the kids that you neither asked for nor expected - could also be described as manipulative by making you feel indebted to him. Just a thought, but it is possible given the other behaviours you’ve mentioned.

2catsandhappy · 06/01/2022 21:21

@peppermintteas
He has no power over you.
None. Nothing.

Your children are fond of him. Great. Always good to have positive male role models. Except, he is blackmailing you, holding you back, stopping you from having the life you want and deserve. He can talk about that in his therapy.
Turn your phone onto silent. Take that silent time to work out a repayment plan. Find out how to change the locks or fund a locksmith. Bag up every piece of his belongings. Compose a brief message saying that the relationship is over and his gear is out the front. Wish him well and how you will be transfering xyz pounds a month to repay your debt. Just send the message. Do it.
Close the curtains, lock the door and turn off your phone.
It would be great if you could take the dc to family/friend for a night or two.
His suicide attempt worked last time. This time when he tries the exact same tactic, phone 999 for him.
Wishing you the very best.

EarthSight · 06/01/2022 21:29

@peppermintteas

I have been with my partner for over 4 years and it has had its up and downs. We don't live together and I live with my two children which are not his, but they have become pretty attached to him as he has to them. I feel like the relationship has run it's course and I don't see a future with him that he does want. I feel lots of pressure to live with him, get married and have kids and I want all of those things, but I know it's not with him. I feel I should just be single for a while and find out who I am on my own, as I've never been single for long. I have worked on myself so much the past year and so proud of what I have managed, but he very much has no ambition and I just don't find him attractive anymore and feel he is always trying to sabotage what I am working towards. The problem is when I did end things last year he tried to kill himself. I worry about his mental health and the fact he has PTSD.
You need to ask yourself - am I willing to be this man's emotional hostage forever?

How would you feel if you spent another miserable 20 years with him, then a young woman turned his head and he dumped you after all that time? Maybe you would be relieved, or maybe you would absolutely resent the years you missed being free when he just discarded you when it was good for him.

Original poster
peppermintteas · 06/01/2022 21:40

I have a gut feeling that leaving him is going to be hard and he's not going to make it easy for me at all. Luckily I don't have anything of his at mine or mine at his. I am already repaying him so much a month and the standing order will finish when it's paid off. I just need to find the courage to leave for good this time and not cave into him

OP posts:
Original poster
peppermintteas · 07/01/2022 12:11

I haven't said anything yet, but I have tried to limit contact a bit and apparently he's suffering with his mental health. I'm not sure if he's onto something.

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 07/01/2022 12:28

He may be suffering with his mental health, but you’re not a therapist or counsellor. If he needs help HE has to seek it, not inflict his issues on you or your children, and that includes by making you responsible for him in any way. If you’re always worrying about him, it’s taking away your time and emotional availability from your children.

billy1966 · 07/01/2022 13:16

OP,

Money has nothing to do with this.

Do not mention it.

If HE does, just tell him the payment plan is in place and will continue.

End this and do NOT allow him to enter your home.

Do it over the phone, do not do it in your home with your children whatever you do.

Best to do it over the phone as you want to protect your children from ANY upset etc.

Contact the police at even the hint of a threat towards you or him self harming.

He is NOT your responsibility.

Your children will be fine.

Flowers
Original poster
peppermintteas · 24/01/2022 11:36

I finally did it. I ended it and I've blocked him. I still want him to message me and I don't know why as I don't want to be with him. I feel a mess.

OP posts:
MingeofDeath · 24/01/2022 11:43

Well done, now go and enjoy yourself

Babyvenusplant · 24/01/2022 11:55

How long ago did you end it op?

Original poster
peppermintteas · 24/01/2022 12:27

I ended it yesterday

OP posts:
TurtleBackUp · 24/01/2022 12:33

Well done OP !!

Original poster
peppermintteas · 24/01/2022 16:57

It's so hard going no contact. I have a support service calling me tomorrow. I've faced facts this week and realised it is 100% domestic abuse and I have to leave for my own sanity.

OP posts:
MzHz · 24/01/2022 19:14

Please keep this thought in your head, write it down or bookmark this thread so you come back to it

We know it’s hard, but you have done the right thing

You are not responsible for his health, happiness or anything to do with him.

Use every support possible to stay out of that relationship

Well done

We know what that took, and we know it’ll be tough, but we’re here for you.