Friend in hospital - Trigger warning stillbirth

[Anotherfriend555]

Mods, please move this thread if in the wrong section.

A friend that I used to work with was taken into hospital with pre-eclampsia. I have heard that she was induced but had a still-born boy a couple of days ago.

Some of us were planning to visit her when she gets home (if allowed medically) but we are worried about what to say to her. She has had mental health issues in the past (self-harm) and don't want to say the wrong thing.

Someone will try and speak to her mum today.

Has anyone any suggestions? thanks.

Does she want a visit? Does she want you to talk to her mum? I would let her know that you're there for her if/when she's ready and then let her take the lead tbh.

Let her lead what she needs. Vouchers for food / takeaways may be helpful as a gift, and a card that acknowledges how great her loss is and saying that she only needs to ask and you will be there, may be helpful.

Someone needs to message her. I can't imagine going to see her as a group will be great but individuals need to make contact.

Unless she has told you to go through her mum I would go through her. When I have had friends in similar situations I have often messaged 'please don't feel you have to reply but please let me know if you want me to visit' etc, and then gently kept in touch following their lead.

I've had a stillbirth. Me and DH went into a sort of cocoon of grief which nobody else could understand. We came out of it, but the person who popped by unexpectedly was very very unwelcome. Sure you aren't intending to do that but just in case! If you send anything, post it, or leave it on the doorstep and don't knock on the door.
Send a card now, and then ask the mum later if she thinks they'd like visitors. I wouldn't do that unless you are good friends and not just colleagues. What you write in the card is more important. Make sure you get across that you understand that this loss is as great as any other. They have lost a person very dear to them, not 'just' a foetus. Find out the baby's name if you can, or if not at least refer to him as 'your sweet baby boy' or similar. The cards that helped us the most were the ones where we felt people really understand the enormous loss and were grieving with us.

Her whole world will have collapsed.

Concur with contact her mum but beaware her mum will have two lots of grief to deal with - for her own daughter who is grieving and for the grandson she longed for and will now never see grow up. She may be finding all this hard to cope with too.

A very thoughtful card that acknowledges her son's existance and her grief at his death. Its okay to write you do not have the words but are thinking of her and her beautiful little boy [name if known] who could not stay. SANDS and Tiff's Art have some gentle examples. Cards can matter as they could become part of a parents memory box for their loved baby.

Offer practical low contact helps like dropping round shopping, meals that can easily be reheated in the microwave. Remember her mum may also be finding this very hard to do for her so having some back up for the bad days might help them all. Right now going out and being with other people who might have babies, children or be pregnant will be too hard. Shopping , eating, paying bills everything we all do will seem horrible, the world does not notice and continues after your baby dies.

You might find this free online booklet by SANDS written for wider family and close friends helpful to read. [You can access it directly by following the links on their website to the 'Support for you' and clicking on the 'Bereavment Support Book' this till take you to the page with the various booklet options you can access and read. ]

www.sands.org.uk/sites/default/files/Information%20and%20support%20for%20relatives%20and%20friends_0.pdf

Maybe keep in contact with short texts or emails that she can pick up and see when she feels able to. Give her time between messages if she is not in a place she can respond. When my friends baby died she could not cope with phone calls or IRL visits so emails became a way of keeping connected and communicating that she felt she had some control of that worked for her.

I bought my friend a beautiful small candle votive holder and the Willow Tree figure 'angels embrace' as a gift to acknoweldge her baby. I knitted her baby a small teddy to stay with her baby at their funeral and used the same ball of yarn to make a tiny teddy for her and one for her baby's dad so they could keep that teddy in their pocket and still feel they had a tangible connection with their much loved baby.

Simply and quietly be there for her and remind her every so often you are still there, you still care and if approbriate that you miss all the moments you had hoped you would share with her as a mother with her son.

A group visit may be very overwhelming. A card and flowers initially would show you are thinking of her. Do you have a works Whats app group? That may be a way of keeping in touch but only if she is comfortable with it.
I have been off work for 4 mnths after cancer diagnosis and have enjoyed the chit chat on the work what’s app, but work colleagues have sent personal messages in regard to my health.
Having suffered a number of miscarriages I found that I wanted to talk about but not until I was ready. Let your friend lead the conversation. It may be uncomfortable to hear the details but be a good listener rather than offering advice. Talking about her experience is often the a healthy way to start the bereavement process but so many people assume you don’t want to talk and deflect the conversation. Be prepared with a box of tissues and don’t be afraid of crying with them. You will know if she doesn’t want to talk about equally she will be grateful for a hug.
It’s always nice to know you have support at work when you’re having a bad day.

I would just send a card for now, let her know that you are all thinking of her. I think visiting her in a group will be too much. I can’t imagine how she must be feeling but I would have thought just knowing people are thinking of her will be some comfort rather than having people visiting.

If you know what they have named the baby remember to use his name. It’s really important to bereaved parents that everyone acknowledges their baby.
A friend lost her baby at a few days old due the birth complications and she has always encouraged everyone to call her by her name and talk about her. If your friend was close to full term she will feel no different.

I would wait before visiting.

Let her know that you are thinking of her by sending a card and tell her that you are there for when she needs you.

Remember that her mum will be grieving too.

Oh good god please don’t rush round to visit or organise a group visit, i can’t imagine anyone wanting that in the circumstances.

Thanks for the useful advice.

We will take clues from her mum. she will be staying there when she comes out as her DH says he has to work.

@WheelieBinPrincess

Oh good god please don’t rush round to visit or organise a group visit, i can’t imagine anyone wanting that in the circumstances.

Oh no, we weren't thinking of doing that. I realise it could make her feel overwhelmed.

They will be brief visits anyway as DM is a very heavy smoker.

I am almost 6 months down the line from giving birth to my stillborn baby and I am still exhausted by the grief and can be very hit and miss on whether I want company or not. Definitely don’t do anything without prior warning. I put any flowers that I received straight outside my front door as I couldn’t bare to face the reality of people being sorry for my loss as I couldn’t accept it myself. I read the cards but put them straight into a box and have never looked at them since.

The grief is exhausting and for the first few weeks we didn’t know which way was up, our lives just stopped, our world didn’t spin anymore and I could barely string a sentence together.

There’s really nothing you can say to your friend to make her feel any better so it’s best not to try and instead just tell her you are there and that you will be there whenever she is ready. My best friends text me every single day and told me not to reply but that I was in their thoughts and they were ready to catch me when I needed to fall on them.

It’s horrendous x

Fair enough OP.

Another note on flowers, when I had a miscarriage (I can’t even conceive of how you begin to process a stillbirth so I realise it’s not in the same league) my friend sent me some Bloom and Wild but it was summer and really hot and for some reason they sat in the back of the postman’s van for 2/3 days and when I opened the box, they were dead. Proper dead not coming back to life in water dead. So the card said how sorry my friend was for the miscarriage and the flowers were all dead. Obviously it wasn’t her fault at all but I did tell her so she could claim her money back and then she felt terrible so I was then feeling bad about that!

So flowers in general aren’t always a safe bet unless you have actually seen them yourself or trust that there’ll be no mistakes.

MrsX4x4,
Thank you for your post.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Some people (myself included) have no idea what the trauma is like.

I will tell the girls that we'll take a step back and just send a card for the moment.

I have also had a stillbirth, a number of years ago now but I remember that initial period like it was yesterday. As someone else said, her whole world has imploded, I cannot begin to explain the depth of the trauma and grief involved in stillbirth. It’s ok to not know what to say, but don’t say nothing. Send her a message, don’t try and make it better, you can’t, just acknowledge this enormous loss and tell her you are there for her. Personally I agree with not sending flowers, they didn’t make me angry but I couldn’t put them up in the house, they went straight in the bin. Food vouchers or some frozen meals might help, or my work colleagues got me a comfortable set of loungewear which was really thoughtful because I had an emergency c section so I couldn’t wear normal clothes but obviously couldn’t bear to put maternity clothes back on. Other gifts I did use were some scented candles and sleep spray.
It will be very difficult that her DH is going back to work as his way of dealing with his grief, I imagine she will find that incredibly painful and yes if she has existing mental health issues they will likely be exacerbated, especially self harm as the guilt and hatred of your body after stillbirth can be overwhelming. I didn’t have existing mental health issues but I did develop PTSD and went through incredibly dark times, I don’t know where I would be now without support of family and friends. Keep checking in in the months and weeks to come. Another thing that would mean a lot I’m sure would be a donation to Tommy’s or sands in their baby’s honour that you could mention in the card. As others have said, cards are really important. Obviously I didn’t put them on my mantelpiece but every one is in a safe place with her memory box.
Sending love to your friend and you’re obviously very caring reaching out to find out what’s best xxx

To the op, I think you are so lovely reaching out on a forum as what to do and seeking help so as not to distress your friend in her grief.

To everyone else who has suffered miscarriages and still births, your beautiful babies are in my thoughts and I am heartbroken for you. So sorry you had to go through such pain and loss.

Praying

@Poppy709

"It will be very difficult that her DH is going back to work as his way of dealing with his grief, I imagine she will find that incredibly painful "

We did have concerns about that, but of course it is not up to any of us to say how people should behave in this situation. We understand that her DH did book some time off around the due date, but it seems it couldn't be brought forward, which I don't understand.

We just hope she is getting the proper support from professionals.

I think it would be a mistake to visit her unless she asks you too. Send some flowers and a card as a start.

Maybe flowers are not a good idea after I read some of the posts. Hard to know what to do.

My sister in law had a stillbirth. Very distressing time. Many of her so called 'friends' avoided her afterwards, and even ignored her in the street. Post-birth professional care was dreadful in her case. Very little follow-up by the health service, and she ended up doing private therapy which helped. I guess everyone responds to loss differently so perhaps the kindest thing is to write her a note saying how sorry you are and how you are there for listening, helping etc as and when needed. That takes the pressure off social obligation to let people visit if not wanted.

I've had a stillbirth op . The last thing wanted or needed is a group of people turning up or even one person. You really need to tread very carefully here. She won't be looking for support from outside of her family for a very long time . You need to let her know you are there by a message and she will reach out to you when she is ready and that will take a long time.

Hi, also had a stillbirth here.

I just wanted to say that you don’t need to worry about getting it completely right - especially in the early days I just really appreciated anyone who made an effort.

Just from my experience - I got enough flowers to fill a florist which was initially a little overwhelming because I had to find vases for them all (I actually had to send someone out to buy me more vases so they didn’t go to waste) and then all the flowers started to die at the same time which was actually very hard to deal with…

May I suggest a box of pre prepared meals (or voucher for Foodora or something) along with your card? There’s a wonderful Insta account/shop called Don’t Buy Her Flowers with other great ideas for people who might be inundated with flowers during a difficult time.

Equally if you’ve already done the flowers, don’t worry - I appreciated every single person who sent something after my son died. Just offering ideas.

Don’t send flowers, send something practical, like Cook meals or something.

You don’t need to know what to say or say the right thing, but if you know the baby’s name, use it. And if you don’t, ask.

Say something like “I know I can’t make this any better but I am so sorry, Friend. If you’d like to talk about Baby I am always here. Or if you want to talk about anything other than Baby, I’m here too.” That way the choice is your friend’s.

The most important thing is after the initial few weeks, don’t disappear as her friend just because you don’t know what to say. If you don’t know what to talk about, invite her for activities - a walk in the park, a museum or film - when you suffer a bereavement friendships often die too because people don’t know what to say.