Friend in hospital - Trigger warning stillbirth

[Anotherfriend555]

Mods, please move this thread if in the wrong section.

A friend that I used to work with was taken into hospital with pre-eclampsia. I have heard that she was induced but had a still-born boy a couple of days ago.

Some of us were planning to visit her when she gets home (if allowed medically) but we are worried about what to say to her. She has had mental health issues in the past (self-harm) and don't want to say the wrong thing.

Someone will try and speak to her mum today.

Has anyone any suggestions? thanks.

Have you been in any sort of contact with her since you worked with her? I cant imagine a visit from ex colleagues who are only 'friends' on social media being particularly welcome at such a personal time. You risk looking like grief tourists.

I would say don’t talk to her mum to take clues from her.
Whilst I’m sure she’s close with her mum, the mum might cope with grieving in a very different way to her daughter so what she thinks might not be what’s best.
Also it would annoy me if I found out someone did that to me.

I 100% would not try and visit.

I would send her a message saying you are so sorry about what's happened & are thinking of her. I would then send a card and some flowers/chocs etc.

I wouldn't mention trying to visit at all. I can't even imagine the pain that someone would feel going through all of this and I would imagine the last thing any woman would want after this is a load of visitors.

I would just be there for her when she needs you. You could always write in the message as well that you would be willing to meet any day/time and are there for her if she needs you etc.

My daughter was stillborn a year ago, here are some of my suggestions...

Don't send flowers, she will already get loads and I found it v triggering having to deal with them when they all died. A plant is a better present. The best gift we got was a voucher for a garden centre: it gave us a focus. We used it to start a veg patch in our garden and got spring flowers for our baby's grave. So thoughtful.

Don't send wine or more chocolate. I had someone drop round unannounced with a bottle of wine and said "at least you can have a drink now". It broke me. We ended up with so much sweet things but neither DH or I could cook for ourselves we were so sad. Meals and healthy snacks are good!

Don't do a group visit, certainly not yet. Big groups still overwhelm me. Give her some time (2-3 mths) and suggest going for a walk and a coffee. This way, she gets out of the house and dynamics are much easier all round as she won't feel she has to entertain you.

Do not give a gift of clothing! Someone sent me a jumper, too small and not to my taste at all. Body image after a stillbirth is shit.

Most of all consistently, I so so appreciated my colleagues who sent random messages with silly updates on work and life... Acknowledgement of her awful loss is so appreciated but also being reminded of the person you once were is important too.

I've been in your friend's situation and honestly nothing you say will make it worse. Start any communication with 'no pressure to reply' so she can get back to you when possible. Don't visit in a group, ask her if she needs anything- food, distraction, a shoulder to cry on. All I wanted was distraction and to momentarily pretend everything was okay by going for a walk or shopping.

And use the baby's name and gender if you know.