WFH is ruining our relationship

[Pointlesspercy5]

I am in the wrong here, I know I am, I'm being unfair but I need a moan.
We have two kids at school, I'm a housewife partly through choice and partly through situation. Husband has a good job, earns enough that we are comfortable. He is senior management (similar to an operations manager). His work has always been different hours because the places are open 24 hours. He also has to work away for a few days here and there around the country. On top of this we have no family able to help with childcare so I don't work at the moment as its easier that way. I worked full time before the kids. Our life and relationship of 20 years was great!!!

Then covid came along. I accepted our new way of life abit like a prison sentence to get through . I was homeschooling the kids and husband was working from home. It was very very hard to get used to and there were alot of tears and arguments along the way. But I was able to cope with it because I knew it wouldn't be forever a d the good weather helped alot.
Time passed and the kids returned to school and husband was given the opportunity to basically do whatever he wanted. His work were not bothered if he went in or not. He goes in occasionally. Over the past month he has been in for one day.
Last night he told me due to omicron he will be working from home permanently for the foreseeable. He has also been applying for other jobs that are totally work from home aswell.
I don't blame him. He loves working from home. He isn't social at all and is very lazy. Now he doesn't have commute, doesn't have to get dressed, doesn't have to move from bed or sofa if he doesn't want to as long as he has his laptop!! Gets all his meals put in front of him.
He suffers from SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and has for a long time and can't see the link that he almost never goes outside. The only time I can think of that he's left the house over the past month is for an hour on boxing day. He doesn't step outside. He's like a vampire. But anyway he's loving this new life.

But for me it has completely ruined our relationship. We are together almost 24/7. There is no difference between the weekdays and the weekends. It's groundhog day. We have nothing to say to each other because we are together all the time. We used to go for date nights, all that's stopped because we'd have nothing to say to each other. No time together feels special because we are together all the time. I can't bare it. I feel trapped, monitored, controlled.
He's never been controlling before and there are very subtle things that are driving me mad. He comments on everything I do. If I go out, where am I going, why, how long for? If I sit down for a cuppa after cleaning for hours he will come downstairs at that moment and comment I just sit down all day and he bets that's what I did all day when he was at work.
It is so so tough. The winter makes it worse because we are indoors. During the summer I'm outside gardening etc or we go on days out. At the moment I feel like a servant /cinderella.
It's got to the point where I am completely turned off from him, everything he says annoys me, I don't want sex with him, don't want to be around him. Ive found myself fantasising about me moving away for a life on my own, now or in the future. I've got it into my head as soon as the kids are old enough I'm going to seperate from him to live my own life. I never felt this way before.
And then to top it off, I've said ill go back to work now as he is at home to grab the kids from school and let the dog out for wees etc. He's flatly refused because "he may go back at some point' and" there's no way he's got time to let the dog out/get the kids. ". This is completely not true. He just wants this lazy life to continue!! This would be the answer for me because id feel like I have my own life, money, other adults to speak to. Currently the only time we are apart is if I go to tesco, take the dog out and the school run.
Some people would love to be together all the time but this is no life at all. It's unbearable.

He's just done something which is a perfect example of how much he annoys me.
My old banger car needs some repairs and it's mot is due at the end of the month. I've just asked him what days are best for him for me to book in at the garage as he would need to collect me after I've dropped the car off. (would take 2 mins)
He shouted down the stairs at me how could he possibly know when he would be free, he can't commit to anytjing. I said well you work from home permanently so you should be available on any day. He replies he may not be available on the day I choose (not even told him a date)
He will be free and he will be working from home on whichever day it is, and he will come and fetch me no problem. But he has to put this show on about how life would be more difficult for me if I work or go out and do things. He can't be relied upon because he's working. But he is at home constantly?
Anyway I've booked it in for tomorrow morning.
I have a degree already but I've never used it. I went to college and university as normal until. I was 21. We then moved in together because I was desperate to leave my controlling father (how ironic) so I immediately got a job in a call centre so we could pay the bills. My intention was to find a job related to my degree, but I really loved working there so never left. Alot of others did the same. It was a wonderful place to work. I then got pregnant and at the same time the firm closed and we all were made redundant. I haven't worked since. I don't even know if I could use my degree as I've never worked in that field and can't even remember anything I learnt. What a waste

I honestly have every sympathy for you but you need to learn to stand on your own two feet more. Why can't you walk back from the garage after dropping the car off for the MOT? Is there a bit of a co-dependency thing going on here?

First thing is you need to sit down and really think about what your options are, what do you really want here and what options do you have? Then you need a serious conversation with your husband and explain how deeply unhappy you are with the current set up.

I feel suffocated just reading your post op. I think things either need to change and that involves your dh making compromises or you sepay

*separate

Do you still want to be living this life in a year, two years, five years, ten, twenty?

The only person who can change your life is you, he has opted out of a partnership. You need to be pro-active because no one else can do it for you. He may be the source of the issues but if you use him as an excuse for your unhappiness you'll expect him to be the soloution.

It will be difficult but make a promise to your future self that her life will be better, do it for her. Don't look back in ten years and think why did I accept this life.

He has no right to tell you that you can’t go to work. In fact your relationship sounds so dull and shit that you should because you might need to support yourself at some point. It’s your life too not just all about him and his wants! Find a part time job. Tesco? School admin. Search on indeed jobs and start applying. He is at home and can do drop offs and pick ups. Do you have access to money? Summer holidays they go to holiday club or stay at home with him and he has to deal with them. He’s taking the absolute piss to be honest and no wonder you are frustrated.

Just read your post about your degree. You could go back and study again? Retrain in something. Do another degree. Do a masters. You get to decide. This cannot continue

Small steps OP. You are coming across as passive to your situation but you're probably just worn down. The first step should be to get out the house as much as possible. I would definitely search volunteer roles. I've done them and it's easier than working because if you can't commit you can cancel. This forces you though to rethink if you can go out the house there is no if only a choice of you turn up to that job or not.
It also forces your dh to realise he's not going to wfh and have his skiv around 24/7 . Then when you realise you can make different choices things will get better. Only you can make those changes though. He clearly is not going to.

Oh and do not tell your dh. Just go and do it. Then he can't talk you out of it.

Sorry but he sounds like a prick

You didn’t sign up to be a stay home mum to be a doormat and have no say in your own life. You did it because you had to as his career didn’t allow him to pull his weight. Now the circumstances have changed. He now has time to do housework and childcare. What are you getting out of this relationship right now? Wouldn’t you be better on your own? At least he’d then have to have the kids and do his own housework and you’d get to start dating somebody who actually wants to leave the house!!!

If I were you, I’d think about what I wanted to do long term. And if it’s possible to get some retraining so you could get a job in the future - whether using your degree or not.
This can get you out of the house and position you better for the future.
If, you do divorce, you’d be expected to do this anyway - so why not get a head start.

As to his bullying you to not change status quo - he will continue until you say no. So -I’d plan and push ahead with my plans and inform him of those as they happen. Rather than ask his permission.

He won’t like it at the start but will end up having to accept it. If you show him you mean business.
If it all comes to a head - you can tell him that you are unhappy enough that it’s either you get a job or you two need to divorce. I’d leave this point only as a last resort as it’s quite drastic. But I’d use it if I had to.

But I am guessing - you won’t need to use that. If you manage to stay strong and keep to your decision - he’ll get there.
Any change of status quo is difficult - people get entrenched in their way of life and resist.
No one but you can change your life.

Good luck

Apart from the stifling feeling of being trapped at home as his personal maid, you need to be thinking of the future. The children won't stay young- and then what? Cooking and cleaning for ever?
And then: you retire? Without 35 years of contributions, your state pension will be tiny!

Get a job now, part time, NMW, whatever you can. Once you have a job, it is easier to get a better job.

Of course he will grumble and try to be difficult, but he will get used to it. He is your husband, not your owner.

If I sit down for a cuppa after cleaning for hours he will come downstairs at that moment and comment I just sit down all day and he bets that's what I did all day when he was at work

He doesn't value what you do and I agree with roses be unavailable by leaving the house so he can make his own lunch. Sometimes people don't value something until they lose it. Volunteer somewhere, anywhere that sees you out of the house and with other people.

How old are your children? How long before they are all in secondary?

I am a long term SAHM, Dh does have an incredibly important job but the company he works for values family life. All of them are able to work their hours around family dinners etc. Dh never comments on me sitting down, ever. He is well aware of the things I do, the day to day stuff you see but also don't see. He also makes dinners, spends loads of time with the children, helped with A level maths stuff or science (beyond me) nips to the supermarket for things, spends one on one time with the children because these things are important to him.

Re the car thing this is just his pathetic way of showing you that you are way down his list of priorities. He doesn't want you to work because he sees the housework/cooking etc as beneath him and therefore down to you. Definitely look for a job.

You are not being unreasonable, sounds extremely frustrating and not fair!!

There is a need to set boundaries. I've had to do this with my other half as we both WFH and it has also been terrible at times (it was for several months). In fact we moved house as we didn't have enough space. It might sound strange but it has been really positive to have a few nights sleeping in separate rooms... As I need personal space and our sleep patterns are different. But I appreciate that isn't possible or not for everyone and certainly doesn't solve your core problem! I also will agree with him if I want to use the living area on my own for an hour or two undisturbed. Sometimes I do yoga or sometimes I just need quality time to do nothing!! I'll agree with him a time in the day and we will agree not to be disturbed. He does that too.

You deserve 'me time' and you do not need to justify every time you go out or have a break. Sounds like he is completely unaware and quite selfish - he's used to his own freedoms and in the past been too distracted and away from the house to know or think about how you use your time. He needs to respect your time and decisions.

If he can't then this will be an ongoing problem.

What about a term time job in a school or something that is school hours. I would show him your post tell him you are getting a job and that your end game is to leave him if nothing changes. You are so financially vunerable and he seems to act like the kids are not his responsibility. If you split and did 50/50 he would have to do half the pick ups ect.

This is really not about WFH. It's much bigger than that.

At the moment everyone is meant to WFH if they can, so he can't be criticised for doing that. But if he was genuinely working then it wouldn't impact on you so much. Me and DH WFH alot of the time. That means we work. Have a chat for a few mins at lunch time, but otherwise we're working, so our evenings feel just the same as when we work at the office (except we save some commuting time).

But from your posts it seems your DH isn't actually working - and worse still he expects you to respect his Very Important Job which is clearly not that demanding at all.

And the real issues are that he doesn't show you respect, he is lazy, he thinks his important job means he doesn't have to do anything for anyone else, or to pull his weight at home, even though he's actually not working much of the time. He doesn't respect your position or all you do for him. He has SAD but isn't doing anything about it. He thinks the world revolves around him and his needs, and the rest of the family should just fall in with them.

I agree with the suggestion that you make yourself unavailable more. Volunteer, get a PT job, go for a walk. Don't be there to make his lunch and run around after him. And think about your longterm plans. It's never too late to start something new or to change course. Don't let him talk you out of what you want. What exactly has he given up for you??

Also just seen your latest post. What was the degree? It won't be a waste and you will definitely have options. You will have picked up skills and experience too that are transferable.

Big thing to consider is you will need to get in to the habit of giving yourself permission, not waiting for his agreement always given he's being a prick and not working with you to help!

This is your life and your needs, interests and happiness is important too.

Hmmmm…he doesn’t sound nice. However, surely you could have returned to work in the previous 10 years? You say yourself that you were grateful to be at home with your babies, so maybe he thought that’s what you wanted.

I’d have a serious sit-down with him and say you want to return to work and childcare expenses need to be split. I’m guessing it won’t be for long if one is at least 10/11? My DM went to work in a school when I was 11, she did 10-2 in the office. I guess those jobs are rare these days (my parents were friends with the HT) but there may be one out there.

We then moved in together because I was desperate to leave my controlling father (how ironic)

I am glad you have noticed that you have just swapped one type of man for another. I am so sorry to read your post OP. I am mad for you. Remember you are a free woman to make decisions. Your husband does not own you, your aspirations or your thoughts. You can make decisions separately. Go and find a job. It might take a while but get out of the house. This is 2022 not 1950 where women were shackled. You are not beholden to him what so ever. Stop thinking you have to ask permission from him, you can work around child care. Many, many women work and have good childcare, if he doesnt like it then so be it. You need your financial independence to get away from him. Good luck OP x

It's another 4 years until all my kids are in high school. I'm counting down the days until then because I will have muxh more freedom as in they can get themselves to and from school. Can be home alone for an hour if I'm running late for example. So at the very least I will be going to work then because the reasons I need to stay at home right now won't exist. After that who knows but I can't see myself spending the next 30 odd years like this

That sounds horrible OP.

I would be thinking seriously of separation. Thanks

Sorry- don't know why my phone added 'thanks' at the end 😂

If you are thinking 4 years ahead then start planning now. Go do some courses. Refresh your IT skills. Start building up your CV. Start volunteering term time school hours doing basic admin. Old people’s home? Do something so that you’ve got current experience and a current referee when you need to jump in 4 years time. Check out your local library for resources. Libraries. Council website for jobs. Indeed jobs. Google your area and volunteering. Do something.