WFH is ruining our relationship

[Pointlesspercy5]

I am in the wrong here, I know I am, I'm being unfair but I need a moan.
We have two kids at school, I'm a housewife partly through choice and partly through situation. Husband has a good job, earns enough that we are comfortable. He is senior management (similar to an operations manager). His work has always been different hours because the places are open 24 hours. He also has to work away for a few days here and there around the country. On top of this we have no family able to help with childcare so I don't work at the moment as its easier that way. I worked full time before the kids. Our life and relationship of 20 years was great!!!

Then covid came along. I accepted our new way of life abit like a prison sentence to get through . I was homeschooling the kids and husband was working from home. It was very very hard to get used to and there were alot of tears and arguments along the way. But I was able to cope with it because I knew it wouldn't be forever a d the good weather helped alot.
Time passed and the kids returned to school and husband was given the opportunity to basically do whatever he wanted. His work were not bothered if he went in or not. He goes in occasionally. Over the past month he has been in for one day.
Last night he told me due to omicron he will be working from home permanently for the foreseeable. He has also been applying for other jobs that are totally work from home aswell.
I don't blame him. He loves working from home. He isn't social at all and is very lazy. Now he doesn't have commute, doesn't have to get dressed, doesn't have to move from bed or sofa if he doesn't want to as long as he has his laptop!! Gets all his meals put in front of him.
He suffers from SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and has for a long time and can't see the link that he almost never goes outside. The only time I can think of that he's left the house over the past month is for an hour on boxing day. He doesn't step outside. He's like a vampire. But anyway he's loving this new life.

But for me it has completely ruined our relationship. We are together almost 24/7. There is no difference between the weekdays and the weekends. It's groundhog day. We have nothing to say to each other because we are together all the time. We used to go for date nights, all that's stopped because we'd have nothing to say to each other. No time together feels special because we are together all the time. I can't bare it. I feel trapped, monitored, controlled.
He's never been controlling before and there are very subtle things that are driving me mad. He comments on everything I do. If I go out, where am I going, why, how long for? If I sit down for a cuppa after cleaning for hours he will come downstairs at that moment and comment I just sit down all day and he bets that's what I did all day when he was at work.
It is so so tough. The winter makes it worse because we are indoors. During the summer I'm outside gardening etc or we go on days out. At the moment I feel like a servant /cinderella.
It's got to the point where I am completely turned off from him, everything he says annoys me, I don't want sex with him, don't want to be around him. Ive found myself fantasising about me moving away for a life on my own, now or in the future. I've got it into my head as soon as the kids are old enough I'm going to seperate from him to live my own life. I never felt this way before.
And then to top it off, I've said ill go back to work now as he is at home to grab the kids from school and let the dog out for wees etc. He's flatly refused because "he may go back at some point' and" there's no way he's got time to let the dog out/get the kids. ". This is completely not true. He just wants this lazy life to continue!! This would be the answer for me because id feel like I have my own life, money, other adults to speak to. Currently the only time we are apart is if I go to tesco, take the dog out and the school run.
Some people would love to be together all the time but this is no life at all. It's unbearable.

If I was you I'd be looking for job, NMW or not. It will get you out of the house and give you a degree of financial independence. At the moment he's got you over a barrel - what happens if the relationship fails? You'll be fucked.

My suggestion above, if it's not qualifications but types of job you might conceivably work round the kids that's leading to minimum wage, could you say you'd like to do a refresher course or something to keep your brain active for when the kids are more independent? Unless he's got in mind that you're home till they're 18?

He sounds like a complete cock.

If he's going to be wfh full time then now is the time to look for a job/ retrain. He will have to pull his weight with school drop offs and pick ups. If he doesn't then you have bigger problems. Doesn't matter of its minimum wage. It will get you out there and there may be opportunities to progress.

Fwiw my dh worked 2 weeks away, 2 weeks at home (in the office, not just off work). We didn't have family around and I managed to work ft (though it was somewhat flexible as I was responsible for my own diary, so I know this isn't always typical). We paid for dog Walker and after school care- this was a shared responsibility to allow me and dh to do our jobs.

I would start doing volunteer work in something that could lead to paid work. That way you get out the house, it's your choice to leave the house and it would start getting your confidence back. Then when you get used to a routine you can go into paid work. Of course you can work that bit is up to you! But I think you're scared and that's ok but you can't live like this forever can you.

I suppose back in the day slaves were told by their owners to be grateful for a roof over their head and food!

You don't need his permission for anything.

You didn't mention if you had a career or qualifications in the past.

It's so hard. I wasn't happy in my marriage before lockdown but that really totally killed it. I think I only managed previously because my h left the house for the day (I also work but was home before him). He's now wfh all the time and it's awful. The only thing that is stopping me go completely mad is that we have separated and he will be moving out at some point. I really can't believe how much he loves wfh considering what catastrophic effect it's had on me and our marriage. He could go into the office, he just doesn't. He'd rather sit in the dining room, creating mess and awkwardness. The dining room is a shit tip and we don't use it as such any more. So he's taken an entire room of the house, but still claims he "only takes up a small amount of space" . I am back in the office, before anyone criticises me for double standards. I just hate that he's always here. Although considering I have been unhappy for so long maybe I should be grateful that covid has finally pushed me over the edge.

Do you not have joint finances?
Can't you just book the kids and the dogwalker and pay for it out of the joint account?
If you can't access joint money then you are being financially abused and you have much bigger problems

I think having any kind of job would be better for you than this life. If you are going to clean, garden, dog walk, garden etc then why not get paid for it?
Maybe you can get some work in one of those areas if you enjoy it? Lots of demand for dog walkers lately. Childminding? Cleaning or gardening?

I agree I could not have any respect for someone who sat around on his arse all day like that and took no part in family life.

He is disregarding your feelings utterly, thinking that because he earns the money, he gets to dictate your life, how the house is used, everything.

Those are not the actions of s loving husband, they are the actions of a tyrant and a jailer. He has shown you just how much he cares about your preferences and needs. You need to return the "complement", and make some decisions for yourself.

Start planning how you want things to be by next winter, then start acting on it. HE IS NOT THE BOSS OF YOU

Lots of sectors including teaching and the NHS are short staffed. As the children get older many of us have really valued having satisfying, rewarding work outside the home. I reccomend you join us!

Ideally you might find a job that fitted round children and fog, but even if every penny of your wages went on childcare and dog walkers, you would be no worse off financially and he would look a right idiot. (I know that is not a long term strategy but more meant as proof he can't imprison you like this. Which is effectively what he's trying to do)

Dog, not fog, obviously!

@MrsWalrus

I really sympathise with you.

He sounds like a very unpleasant man, though. I have struggled with my DH working from home, partly because he doesn’t leave the house enough and has become lazy and also like yours he notices everything but he isn’t controlling about it. I just dislike it.

I don’t know that getting a job is the automatic solution unless posters mean so that you’re on a stronger position to leave.

Getting a job gives the op:

• a reason to be out of the house
• something other than her marriage
• independent income she can spend how she likes
• a much better starting point for finances if they do separate

There might be other possible solutions, but it’s hard to cover all of those benefits with any one other solution.

@JustKeepSwimmingJust

Honestly, get a job while he’s around to do some pickups. Once the status quo is that you work it will be harder for him to make you quit.

If he doesn’t step up, hard conversations, marriage counselling etc are needed.

If DC are school aged then working all day for min wage and paying for wraparound should still put you ahead and give you some independence

Agree with this. If you have school aged kids then minimum wage should cover wraparound care if needed

A few things have led to this situation. I've been a housewife for ten years. I wouldn't have been initially but was made redundant whilst pregnant so kind of forced me into it.
During those ten years, husband has gone from a minimum wage job himself right up to very senior management. Through hard work granted. He doesn't work hard at all now, in fact he does hardly anything. Just delegates to other people. But he did work hard. I was extremely proud of him and also grateful to be at home with my babies.

Ten years has now passed so kids are alot older. Ten years of day to day drudgery of the house and having no life.ten years of my husband having every single thing being done for him, the house and the children and he not having to lift a finger or even think about the kids etc. Ten years of him developing a very high sense of self and power and big headedness. His job is "extremely important", his job has to come before the families needs and wants. And then the addition of covid and then working from home.
I see no end to it because he prefers this way of working he will actively seek it out in future to remain home based.
I act stroppy etc because when I wake up each morning I'm dreading the day ahead. The same groundhog day. I don't even want to get up. So I can't be pleasant around him.at the moment I'm keeping very quiet. So obviously he picks up on this. He tells me that I hurt his feelings by not wanting my own husband at home and not wanting to be in his company!!!

He acts and makes out he is this amazing provider for us and we should be eternally grateful.

He's a dickhead. Get a job first and then think about how you want to spend the rest of your life.

He is responsible for half the childcare costs. But the rest of his logic seems fine to me. I really wish men would factor in cost of childcare when agreeing to have children. An agreement like above where one parent leaves their career is unfair on them. I bet the birth rate would reduce rapidly if men who were lukewarm about children see the full cost of them.

Get a job op then you can start to change the rest.

How old are the kids?

You need to go to work, tell him he needs to do the drop off and pick up, if he refuses tell him that his the point of call from school as his home based and you work now so they will be calling him if he doesn’t do it.

I suggest you ring Women's aid.

He sounds truly awful.

Controlling and abusive.

You need to get copies of all and any financials.

Speak to Women's aid about his financial abuse of you.

That is a crime now.

He is NOT a good man.

Women's aid will advise you and you should consider seeking legal advice.

He wants to control you.
I hope you see that.

Your gut is screaming this at you, that is why he is now repulsing you.

Reach out for support.

Keep posting.

You need to leave this controlling prick.

If you don't, this will be your life. You deserve to be happy

Your husband is happy with how things are, so its you that needs to make changes. Part time work would be an escape, l work in a local supermarket, the job itself is boring, but they are very flexible and the people who work there ( not including the managers ) are the warmest people l have ever worked with, from an array of different backgrounds, so you might be pleasantly surprised. It could open up new doors for you.

There's no reason for you not to get a job!! I didn't need to work either but I wanted to. I enjoy using my brain again, meeting other people and earning a little (yes very little) cash. It's perfectly doable. We have no family nearby but we use after school club, holiday club etc and also have generous annual leave. I only work part time, 3 days a week. 2 of those days are within school hours (9.30-2.30) so we only use after school club one day a week. Also at least one of us can work from home on any given day now so we rarely need to use holiday club etc. There are many part time and flexible jobs in Councils, universities, schools, NHS etc. It seems like both you and him are making excuses for you not to work but really it's perfectly easy to work around family life. Anyway, I understand what it's like to suddenly have DH there all the time. It was a shock to me as well! Fortunately my DH chooses to go in a few times a week and he also values exercise and his health. I can't believe your husband gets NO exercise or vitamin D and is happy not to leave the house for weeks! This is such an unhealthy and miserable existence for him and you. Don't put up with this life OP. He is making decisions that are mentally and physically very unhealthy. You need to make the right decisions for your life, not just blindly go along with him.

It sounds awful OP and I know someone in the same situation with wfh becoming the norm. If it makes you feel any better it's not just you.

I had time out of the workplace when ds was tiny, 2 lots of childcare didn't make sense to earn enough to cover it and I didn't have a career job at the time due to ppart time work around dd when she was little. When ds was 5 I said I wanted to go back to work so started looking around and realised I would be starting at the bottom and working my way up which is fine. But would probably reach a limit on what I could earn due to not having a degree. So I went to university.

I did a foundation year and am in year 1 properly now. I get a loan to pay my fees plus a grant for living costs so I have my own money again. It pays for bits of childcare, travel costs, books etc. I have lectures and seminars 2 or 3 days a week but obviously could be in uni 7 days a week if I wanted to. Is that an option for you?

My dh is a star and says as long as I am happy he is too so I appreciate your situation is different. It will get you out of the house for 4 years, you will be free for childcare in holidays (I just struggle with oct and feb half-term but did lectures online) and best of all if you do leave him in the future with a degree you will have a better chance of a career.

OP. You deserve more than this.
Get a job/volunteer/study.
You need more in your life and if you're contemplating leaving your marriage you will need to work and find some financial and emotional independence.
Term time work, part-time, even if you had to put some aside towards holiday clubs etc for the kids if he refuses to parent his own children. Which, if you did seperate he would probably have to cover 50% of anyway...

What type of work did you do before?

Well, for a start, if you're having a cup of tea and he comes downstairs and makes a comment, I'd be snapping back at him. Something like, "you are the one who wants me at home doing all the childcare, cooking, cleaning and shopping. All of which are done. So I'll sit down and have a cup of tea whenever I feel like it, thank you very much."

Of course, that's not really going to help longterm, I know. But I do think them main issue with WFH is that it makes the person not working feel like they have to justify everything they're doing.

I do think him never leaving the house is problematic and if, pre Covid, you had a good relationship, I'd be talking to him about whether he needs to consider getting some help. DD is only 6 but she got more and more resistant to leaving the house during lockdown and if school hadn't gone back when it did, I truly believe we'd have been dealing with a full blown case of agoraphobia before too long. This is even more true in your DH's case (and he absolutely should be taking Vitamin D). There's no doubt that his refusal to leave the house, even on weekends to do things with you and the DC, is a very bad sign.

But ultimately, poor mental health is not an excuse for being an abusive twat to your partner and I don't think it's unreasonable for you to tell him that you can't live like this. I am sitting in a coffee shop right now (on a break from working) because DH has a day off and I want him to have an opportunity to enjoy being at home alone.