Annoyed with new man who is slow at replying to messages

[ElectraBlue]

How do people feel about someone who is inconsistent in his communication style?

I have started seeing romantically for a couple of months a man I have been friends for about 6 years.

He has said he always liked me and seemed to be enjoying being with me. But I am really put off by the way he communicates, he can go from being really eager and replying immediately to messages (emails, text, social media) to waiting a day or more to get back to me.

This is making me feel that he does not really want to spend time with me. I cancelled our last date before the festive break because I was annoyed he had not got back to me about plans on the morning of the date.

I always think that people who make last minute arrangements with you don't really value you and see you as a second best option...

He spent the festive break abroad to visit his adult kids and we communicated well and he said he was looking forward to seeing me again but now he is back and again after we chatted yesterday, he has failed to reply to my suggestion in my last message we do something over the weekend. So again I will simply plan other things for my weekend.

Am I being too ''sensitive' or is it simply that he is continuing the same communication style we had when we were friends and when our meetings were often arranged at the last minute?

The thing is I don't mind a friend doing this but I expect a date to behave differently. If he was not a long standing friend I would have ended this already. But because of our history of friendship my plan is to have an honest conversation with him and to say that this is simply not working as it is for me and see whether he is willing to change before I end it...

So you haven’t already spoken to him about this? If you were already friends and he had an irregular communication style he may well just think that’s fine for you.

Did you tell him why you cancelled seeing him and that you were annoyed?

If you’ve known him for six years surely you are close enough to him to tell him what sort of communication style you prefer before you go right to the nuclear ultimatum conversation?

Why don’t you just phone him like grown ups!

Tl:dr but honestly you are wasting your time. It's the honeymoon period...
If at this stage you are feeling annoyed and irritated and he can't be bothered to message... you aren't aboard the loveboat.

It depends how many messages you send. I'd find lots of messages tiresome. At least with a phone call after you've finished the call you can get on with other stuff. One of you has to not reply instantly otherwise you'd both be permanently glued to your phones. Are you ever the one who leaves replying until the next day?

Thank you for the feedback so far:

• I am not a heavy sender of messages and I don't really do small talks, just the opposite in fact so I know this has nothing to do with me sending too many messages.
• ''Why don’t you just phone him like grown ups!I''. I am a grown-up thank you very much and asking about how other people feel about these type of situations. I am planning to have this conversation in person as to me it is better than phone/texting and avoid misunderstandings
• Completely agree that at this stage things should be flowing rather than being irritating hence why I am now having second thoughts about him.

I do feel that due to the friendship I at least 'owe' him a conversation in person to discuss this rather than just stopping interacting with him which is what I would do with any other guy.

Hmm, I'm not a particularly keen texter so I could see things his way but for me it depends on the texts he is not replying to.

Eg, I don't really want to have convos via text. Nor be glued to my phone. So I might sometimes wait a day before replying to stuff like 'what are you up to?'. But I would also have gave my partner a heads up about not enjoying text chat.

But if its to do with specific things like arranging dates and half way through the convo he vanishes...that would probably annoy me too.

It might be a mismatch. Or maybe you both need to communicate your needs better and find compromise.

Are you making yourself available at short notice? He knows then he can keep you on the hook. Make plans for some of the weekend, at least and then he'll realise he needs to treat you as a priority if he wants to see you.

You sound like you chase him. Too keen by far. Too available. Men like a bit of mystery. I didn’t really reply to texts when dating unless it was about plans. They tended to call then which I prefer, even then I kept calls short and sweet.

Sounds like he’s only available when it suits him (when he wants to be), I would probably make myself less available to him too, take your time messaging him back, don’t let him think your glued to your phone waiting for him.

I’m in a similar position with a guy I have been casually dating, though now he has vanished and hasn’t been in contact for a week after his messaging slowed right down. I’m trying not to over think it, if someone’s interested then they will show you.

You are his fall back option.
Hell happily fill in the quiet moments in his days texting you back.
But when he's busy irl or there might be a better social option he doesn't prioritise you.
You're wanting us to give you another explanation but there isn't one. Either live with it or dump him.
(It seems clear to me because I'm in same situation and I've chosen to live with it because it suits me for now)

Thank you ladies for all your feedback.

It is also my feelings that he got too comfortable too quickly and see me as an ''option'.

He expressed his attraction in the past several times over the years but I always gently told him that I only wanted him as a friend as I did have some concern deep down about him being a bit of a player. So I wonder if the interest was just in finally 'having' the woman he could not have for years as I am the one who made the first move a couple of months ago and now he feels he does not have to try too hard.

I am either going to cool everything down and try to resume a platonic friendship or see him as an occasional FWB.

But even with an FWB I expect people to plan in advance and show real enthusiasm!

I noticed he commented on my Instagram story right now with a question (I am starting to hate social media and the potential for headaches it is creating...) about the content. But no reply to my last message. So I will simply be ignoring this until he replies to plan to meet and then I will have a conversation with him in person. If he can't be arse to make plans then I won't even give him the courtesy of a conversation.

But I am really put off by the way he communicates, he can go from being really eager and replying immediately to messages (emails, text, social media) to waiting a day or more to get back to me.

I almost never reply immediately to messages, i think that if someone had that expectation of me, I would be the one rethinking the situation

I don't mind people taking ages to reply if it's something that doesn't require a response - like sending a meme or link or something.

However, if i have asked a time bound question (like you did, about his weekend plans), then I would expect a quick response, particularly from someone I'm dating. After all, we tend to reply quickest to the stuff that interests/excites us the most. So surely the chance to see you is something that he is looking forward to and so wants to confirm before something else comes up. Like, if this were tickets to some event he was very keen on, and there was a chance it would sell out quickly, I'm sure he'd be on it. Similarly, he should be as eager to hang out with his new gf.

Definitely talk to him and tell him what you want - see if he has an explanation why, or understand why you may be upset.. If there's still no change, then you have your answer.

You need to set boundaries for yourself.

When you send a message, if there’s no reply in X hours (you decide the time limit) make other plans. If he gets back to you after X time simply say you’ve made other plans as you didn’t get a response.

His loss.

OP it sounds like you are your own worst enemy.
You said in one of your posts something to the effect of "I owe jkma. Conversation in person and not just to stop talking like I would any other guy" and you've always given a. Few examples of when you've ignored him and not replied. It's sounds like you're treating him (and others) in a way you wouldn't want to be treated and there's definitely a sense of entitlement. You are clearly bothered by this and actually not treating him fairly. It's not fair to purposely ignore someone to teach them a lesson or whatever... maybe he's just a Rubbish texter.... I know plenty who are! I also think you sound very insecure. You need to have a conversation as to what you need and feel with him and then he can decide whether or not he wants to be involved.

It doesn’t sound great all round. But I think you are being unreasonable, it reads like you flounce off every time you don’t get a response in a given timeframe that he doesn’t know about.

Well I did get a response and it was something in the line of 'I have other plans this weekend but I could see you next week'.

This just confirm my feelings that he was taking his time to respond because he first wanted to check if there were no better options....

Hardly the sign of someone who is keen to see you after they spent 3 weeks apart from you.

As for those who suggested I was giving the 'silent treatment' I have never done that. I don't play games but if people don't reply to a direct question about plans then I would be a fool to keep chasing them...

So I simply responded that I was not interested in seeing someone who had so many priorities and only saw me as an option to be called on when convenient for him.

Thanks everyone for your feedback good or bad as it was really appreciated.

I am sad I lost a friend in the process but again a real friend would have treated me with a bit more care, especially as he knows I come from an abusive home and relationships are difficult for me. I just regret giving him my trust when I was obviously just another notch on his bed post. Live and learn!!

God, his response is very rude.

I think you did the right thing ending it OP, and well done for having good boundaries and knowing your worth.

Sorry but he's just not that into you.
Besides this early on and there are already issues.
You could do so so so much better

He’s a next. Men who skip dates aren’t interested. He hasn’t even bothered to make up a dubious excuse.

Good for you.

OMG. Things took a darker turn. I received several messages with a litany of accusations and insults from him....

I am literally shaking. I was so angry I tried to pick up the phone to confront him but like the coward he is he did not respond. It is like I am seeing the person I have known for 6 years for the first time. I can see that he then blocked me on social media after sending these vile messages through Instragram. Good riddance!

I left him a message to say that I was absolutely horrified by his behaviour and that I hope one day he realises the hurt he has caused.

I feel like I have just had my eyes opened that this man was a complete asshole pretending to be a mate! His loss really but talk about someone showing their true colours.

I am also angry with myself for trusting him and opening up to him.

All I can do now is warn the two other friends we have in common about this. The messages were just vile to read, especially for someone with my history of physical and mental abuse that I almost feel like like I walk into an alternate dimension!

Blimey! That took an unexpected turn. Is this because you ended it because he was being flakey with organising things?

What kinds of things was he saying?

Gosh I’m so sorry. Must be a shock to find out what he’s really like, especially with that you’ve been through.