Annoyed with new man who is slow at replying to messages

[ElectraBlue]

How do people feel about someone who is inconsistent in his communication style?

I have started seeing romantically for a couple of months a man I have been friends for about 6 years.

He has said he always liked me and seemed to be enjoying being with me. But I am really put off by the way he communicates, he can go from being really eager and replying immediately to messages (emails, text, social media) to waiting a day or more to get back to me.

This is making me feel that he does not really want to spend time with me. I cancelled our last date before the festive break because I was annoyed he had not got back to me about plans on the morning of the date.

I always think that people who make last minute arrangements with you don't really value you and see you as a second best option...

He spent the festive break abroad to visit his adult kids and we communicated well and he said he was looking forward to seeing me again but now he is back and again after we chatted yesterday, he has failed to reply to my suggestion in my last message we do something over the weekend. So again I will simply plan other things for my weekend.

Am I being too ''sensitive' or is it simply that he is continuing the same communication style we had when we were friends and when our meetings were often arranged at the last minute?

The thing is I don't mind a friend doing this but I expect a date to behave differently. If he was not a long standing friend I would have ended this already. But because of our history of friendship my plan is to have an honest conversation with him and to say that this is simply not working as it is for me and see whether he is willing to change before I end it...

Some pretty nasty stuff about me, sex with me and so on.

I seriously only ever treated this man with kindness as a friend and supported him through divorce, break-ups and problems at work and with his kids. Introduced him to other friends when he did not have many in London. I am genuinely am a decent person who does not have time for games. I Know I am reticent to open up to others because of my background and it often make relationships harder but he knew this already about me, I was honest with him about this. I am no a flake or a user.

I genuinely could not continue to initiate contact with a guy who made little effort in arranging to meet with me and thought it was OK for me to be his fall-back shag with little effort on his part. or not call him out on his hot and cold behaviour.

He tried to make it sound like everything was my fault, how I treated him poorly, how I failed to pick up his call on New Years Eve (I wasn;t well and fell asleep and immediately thanked him the following day for trying to get hold of me and said I was looking forward to seeing him on his return!), how I needed to grow up...blah, blah, blah

I have been a grown-up most of my life! I have no contact with my birth family or any of my relatives and I have had to grow up pretty quickly and educate myself and live independently, all in a different country from the one I was born in. So I am a fucking grown-up all right....

I even tried to phone him to ask what the hell were these messages about and of course he was too cowardly to even pick up...

I am so sad really by this. To think a friend could do this. I am sure he was hurt but there are lines you just do not cross and things you do not say.

I am so sorry, this is horrible behaviour, especially from someone who you had a friendship with. Surround yourself with some kind people over the coming weekend. X

How incredibly childish of him. Throwing a tantrum because you're not willing to be his fallback. Extremely hurtful for you, of course, but you are so much better off without him in your life. The fact that he would be like this with you when he knows about your past, too. Nasty, nasty man. You did nothing wrong (but you know that!)

He doubts absolutely nuts. Do warn your friends.

His intention was to cause hurt with those messages so there's no point trying to talk to him further.
He KNOWS
Tthey are hurtful messages and he intended them that way.

*sounds

YANBU
In my book it's very rude and bad mannered.

You shouldn't have to tell a grown man how to communicate effectively and politely.

In his mind I wonder how long he expects you to dangle waiting for his response.

Or maybe you are just not a high priority (that's certainly how it would make me feel anyway).

@ElectraBlue
I have just seen your update.

Nothing worse than a man who is a complete coward and scumbag.

Goes to show how someone who was a long-standing 'friend' can betray you at a drop of a hat.

You are well rid.

You've got a lot to offer so hold your head high and onwards and upwards.

Thank you to everyone who commented when I was going through a difficult time! I really appreciate the support and the advice that I received as I was so confused and upset.

The messages/emails have continued coming with him always passing himself as the victim and me as the unreasonable/hurtful one, the last one this morning at 4am today...

At this point I am really over it and feeling better though.

To avoid getting involved in the drama further, I simply sent back a polite message saying that I could appreciate that he might have been taken by surprise and hurt by my ending this. But that it was my prerogative to set my boundaries and that I was doing it for very valid reasons. That I had been shocked by his response and that his comments were inacceptable as there were meant to specifically cause hurt and that at this point trust has been lost . That I will reflect fondly on the friendship we had in the past and that I wished him well. I will not respond to anything else.

I though this was better than fuel the fire with being mean back and that he will be able to see that I am moving on rather than allowing his petty comments to get to me or to think I have to apologise for anything.

Yes, I did warn the friends we had in common, male and female, sharing my concerns about his response but stating that I would not expect them to necessarily take my side and they should make their own decision. I just wanted them to be aware of his ability to turn on someone when under stress and how he was handling conflict poorly.

They took my side and have decided not to have any more contact with him either.

Jesus. Really sorry he turned like that, how horrible for you. It’s amazing really how many people seem to act normally around everyone in their lives up until sex or relationships are involved and then it’s like they feel ‘allowed’ somehow to treat the other person like absolute shit.

You have had a lucky escape I guess, thank god you hadn’t developed deeper feelings for him and he showed this side to him - but man what a shock from someone who was previously a friend and normal to you.

I hope you’re ok.

Glad your other friends are being supportive. I wonder how many other women he’s been playing and treating like this over the time you’ve known him. Sobering stuff.

His behaviour sounds bizarre. I'd be breathing a sigh of relief and wondering if I'd missed other signs that he was a bit nuts. As you have mutual friends him sending nasty messages seems self destructive as well. At least you don't have to wonder if you should have given him more time.

Thank you everyone.

Yes, I also have some feelings of guilt as well about the other women that he was dating in the past.

I only had his side of the story and I wonder if in fact I was supporting someone who behaved really poorly with them.

He did have long term relationships and marriage that last for almost 20 years but who knows what really goes in people's head and behind close doors.

At least I am glad this is now over.

use the phone instant response,

Messages are abit of a cop out.

@icedancerlenny

Why don’t you just phone him like grown ups!

This ^

Just read the updates - if you'd had a proper phone conversation with him in the first place, you might have found out sooner that he was 'odd'.

The lesson here is not to have sex with someone who only wants a r/ship by text.

@CheshireKitten123

erm, have you missed the part about me being friend with that man for six years...we had many conversations in that time on the phone, in person, on social media, by email...

I also tried to ring him when he started sending these messages and he let the phone go to voicemail, like the coward he is.

Please actually bother to read the full story before you post this type of 'advice' and keep your lessons to yourself and stop blaming women for the behaviour of dodgy men.

@Sportslady44

As I have told another poster above your message. When I phoned him to confront him about his horrid messages, he let it go to voicemail, twice,

Read the thread correctly before you make assumptions.