Husband left me and my teenage children on New Year. I have no idea what to do now. (Content warning: concerns sexual abuse and domestic violence)

[FrolickingFannyBoots]

Hello all lovely ladies on mumset, I really really need some help in a crisis situation please. I have no one to turn to at the moment and am totally alone.

The day before New Year, my husband of almost 20 years walked out on us and went to his parent's house. He has been having an emotional and possible sexual affair for some time I believe and I was suspicious for two years. Typical middle aged man, younger woman scenario. I am 50 and she is early 30's. She has been after him for more than a a year now and has moved moved down to London from Glasgow to be near him. He helped her move here and is now involved
much more closely.

He has become cruel, unkind and heartless toward me, speaking with a different voice, sending me authoritative emails about when he is returning to collect his things and stating that he is not going to divorce yet. The house is in his name and he says he will not sell. I simply do not recognise him and my kids are absolutely devastated.

Last month, we were buying gifts for parents and friends together in a antique shop. He bought a Molton Brown Christmas bauble saying it was for his mum. I thought it was odd as he has never been interested in toiletries. Later that week, I found that and the same set of hand creams he had bought me in a bag with pants, new ladies black t shirts and socks by his desk - I knew it was a bag packed to go to this woman. She is Polish and works in IT. They met at a mutual friend's wedding in the Czech Republic in 2019.

Before he left last week, I tried to reason with him to save our marriage. I consented to sex ( it's been many months ) but he then basically rammed my legs open, shoved himself inside me, had an orgasm. He came out, turned over and went to sleep. He hurt me. he has never done that before, but because i initially consented to help keep him at home , I cannot claim rape .The next day he said he had angry sex, that he had used me and taken advantage of me. I wish I had recorded this!

He has now kept on and on texting me with accusations of my emotional abuse abuse in arguments; throwing lots and lots of text messages etc at me from the past. He has recorded all out arguments and sent them to me as evidence. But they actually show even in 2018 that I was asking him about our relationship and how unhappy I was. He never replied to the issues I raised properly. I admit I have behaved badly in arguments and shouted but never threatened him in any way.

Last year, he hit me with a bottle after a row which was thrown across the room and caused me extensive bruising all across on my arm, a large hematoma and significant pain. I did not press charges. He says that I am the abusive partner due to my verbal bullying. I do have photos.

He now states he is leaving me but not my children. He tells me he does not love me, never has and wishes he never married me. He is demanding to return to the house after leaving last week to see my 3 teenage kids aged 14,16 and 17. They do not want to see him.

He says he will come back, see them, collect his things and go back home to his mum and dad for good. He is insisting on a trial separation and will not divorce me until he is ready. That he will keep
me in in our family home ( an area I really don't like or want to stay in) until my youngest is 18. He is dominating every conversation and interaction we have now. He refuses to respond via text most days and calls me instead when convenient for him. He has suggested that the come home at weekends only and stay at his mums during the week. \he says he will not come home again to stay as I am forcing him into a relationship again where he will be abused by me verbally and I'm a bully. He says alternatively I could leave. Yet just last week he was out with me going for a long walk and a take out coffee.

I have nor slept or eaten at all well since he left. In November, 2019 I just started a new job full time in education after a 17 year break as a stay at home mum. About 2 weeks into this, he started telling me I was awful, how wanted to leave and goaded me every day stating he no longer wanted the relationship and that he was leaving. I ran off on the day he told me day last month and went to my local woods to walk, think and had a drink to calm myself down after he stated he was leaving. He said if I did that again he was leaving.

I believe he has been planning this exit for a long time with this woman. He says he is as his parent's house. I have begged him to come home but he says I am controlling and manipulating him.

I do not know what to do. Should I file for divorce? He is saying that he will work at his parents and come up weekends to see the kids and help with the house but has left me. I do not think that this is helpful as he will be with this woman while I am alone. He is very evasive about the relationship and tells me nothing about it. He has been very secretive for months and months. I was so suspicious- I tried every thing to get evidence.

He wants to wait for the no fault divorce but I do not. He has been so so awful to me and rude every day since I started work. I have a large abdominal hernia and separated abdominal muscles. I need
significant surgery plus have diagnosed mental health conditions and am in in NHS therapy. I am quite weak. He is younger, no health problems. l I live in a small town with no support. I cannot drive and he has taken the car. I have nothing now. I am on compassionate leave from my work as I am trying to help support my children and am too distressed to work in school with the stress. he says I should just go to work as get on as normal.

If anyone could provide me with some advice I would be very grateful. I am at a total loss. I can barely write and it's been a few days now. This man has blind sided me, although I was very suspicious,. He has abandoned me and the children taking no responsibility.

He is just blaming and accusing me saying its all my fault. He will not return and says if he comes back he comes to see the kids and then will go back to his parents. I have no family to help or friends, I am alone here. I had no notion that he would leave like this, he has clearly been encouraged and prompted by this woman to leave me and built up to it He says he wants divorce later but no decision has been made. My two elder kids are in their final year of exams- my son Year 11, daughter Yr 13. This is so so stressful for them but they don't see the long term consequences. He says he will never be reconciled to me ever again.

I have £600 in my account and that's it. Should I apply for a divorce? What should I do ? I can't have him here just waling back in and dominating me. He has said that if he stays, he will have sex with her and then come back regularly after 3 days. He then asks me if I am in love with him and talks about our cats. He is expecting me to just carry on as normal while he leaves me with no support or help with my physical problems. The house is in need of real repair and renovation, it's in quite a state and he's just left me with it here in a poor condition,. I cannot run it alone with no notice. I have stated all this to him in texts but he ignores me.

Sorry this is long. I am desperate. I have no money, no car, friends of support, My job is minimum wage due to my physical problem of my hernia stopping me working in my old career as a teacher. My DH has literally upped and gone and turned into this awful awful man who now thinks I'm scum. He is so rude to me now and just exopect me to continue as normal without him. He told me he said in his mind- "just one more row over something small and that's it" Yet he is now making me go over and over all out rows from 4-5 years ago. I gave up my career, my health and life to move to Kent from London to facilitate his life. What should I do? Should I cut contact? I am just devastated by this.

Thank you for any advice. I really appreciate it.

'I don’t know what to do about all this I must admit ( I have already told the police about both incidents when they visited and the woman said I could escalate )'

I think you may be best speaking to the police and/or Women's Aid about this.

'He is now saying by email he wants no relationship with me but is happy to move back in as a friend'

You're under zero obligation to have this man as a friend. Ever. I don't know enough about the legal situation to advise you on his rights to live in the house or not, but 'friend' is a choice that is up to you to make.

'I’m not well enough to work a 5 day week, ( it was only temporary and I started only in November) yet he is saying my abdominal problems don’t prevent me from doing it, which is untrue.'

He is not qualified nor entitled to comment on your health issues. It's not his business, frankly.

'I’ve held my feelings in about this for 20 years and in the crisis of the moment, I said this as I bottled it up. Apparently she is livid and I’ve “ burnt my bridges”.'

I think the man who raped and assaulted you is perhaps the one who burned bridges. But in any case, this relationship is truly over, OP, so does it matter? Maybe 'burning bridges' is okay, when a relationship is over and parties need to move on?

'He says now I must apologise to his mum and that I’m trying to alienate him from his family. No I’m not. I was extremely upset by him walking out on us- distraught. They all think (apparently) he was right to leave me and without any other support in place. I’ve told him he’s left me with no car, no extra funds, no support for my health etc and his response was I’m trying to “ guilt trip” him. That I should just sort my life out now as a single mum.'

Ignore him. 'No' is a complete sentence, as they say on MN.

'He says I’m free now to see who I want, but I must work full time if he comes back and says I need to be out of the house, that I should just do what I want now.'

See above. He has no right to dictate what you do or who you see or how you live. None.

'He’s just washed his hands of me. He blames me completely and says I’m just a bully. He has recorded our arguments and played them to his family. He does not read or reply to my emails. He has told me over and over how bad I am via email. He threatens social services despite no contact with them throughout my children’s childhood. He says it’s up to me to live my life now.

My 3 choices are:

1. He returns and stays here as is his right but has other relationships while in the house in front of me and we sleep separately but not officially separated or divorced. ( my house is a terraced tiny house) He will not divorce.'

It's not up to him. You also get a say in the matter of being married.

'3. I divorce and move which the kids don’t want to do in their final year of exams. They have begged me not to. But that means I stay here not moving forward for 3 years living married but alone with my husband cheating or he divorced when he chooses. I want to leave the area as soon as if I can but the kids education comes first for another 2 /3 years.'

Is this a very stark choice between kids education and your mental and physical health? Sounds really hard. Are there other options?

I'm sorry, this is clearly a difficult and upsetting time and you have a lot of things on your mind all at once.

What do you really want to do? Laying aside what your children and your husband want? If you can get a clear idea of what you want to do - divorce and sell, by the sound of it? - then start from there, and work out how to do that.

Of course you will want to take your children into account, but your husband is not someone whose opinion you have to listen to anymore. I know it's a very, very hard time right now, but think of this: You are free.

It may take time, effort and it may not be easy to get legally and practically extricated from the marriage - but emotionally, you can cut loose. You no longer have to listen to him. You no longer have to care.

I posted links to organisations yesterday, OP, some of them can offer advice including legal advice.

sorry, formatting fails there, hope that's legible! layladomino said it all much more succintly.

I did explain in my earlier posts that I didn’t have my operation due to childbirth trauma. I had 3 children in 3 years and nearly died during the birth of my second.

I have had many complications so I was offered my complex abdominal surgery very soon after the birth of my 3rd child and it was just too soon for me.

I developed anxiety about going through more surgery after 2 c sections in 2 years. I had big babies ( 10lbs) despite having a small frame.

I hope that makes sense. I’ve had counselling to get me back to the operating table but I’m still very frightened. My problem is I really need the operation but cope with the pain instead as I’m too nervous did yo my son and I being neglected by the NHS during his birth. I lost my trust I suppose.

Yes it is a steak choice. I’ve no idea where to go with all this. I’m just considering. Divorce is my preferred option at the moment I think.

I have been offered help by an excellent lawyer so if I can money together, I can get the ball rolling.

Thank you everyone for links to organisations. Very helpful xx

@FrolickingFannyBoots

Thank you everyone for this support. If any can face reading my long post, please reply if you can add anything .

I think the main problem I have is that I don’t have enough evidence to make any real escalated police complaint stick.

Yes, he threw a large bottle of water at me hard after an argument last year and caused a huge bruise that turned my arm black. I have photos. And last month I agreed to sex but I was coerced thinking it would help the marriage. It was awful as I’ve explained and he told me he’d used me.

But no more than that and I have no solid evidence of assault. I’m not sure it’s enough to make a formal police complaint that goes anywhere. He’s not a violent man and these two incidents are not usual.

The male police officer sided with him in our lounge and my husband reported to me that he said it was “goodbye sex” which certainly was not how I saw it. It was vile. I have him in record saying it was “ horrible “.

I don’t know what to do about all this I must admit ( I have already told the police about both incidents when they visited and the woman said I could escalate )

He is now saying by email he wants no relationship with me but is happy to move back in as a friend. I’m not well enough to work a 5 day week, ( it was only temporary and I started only in November) yet he is saying my abdominal problems don’t prevent me from doing it, which is untrue. I require major surgery and am in daily pain. My condition is very obvious and I can only wear very floaty dresses and use abdominal belts to support me.

Or he says he comes up weekends only. But that means I now have to cope running this house ( it’s in poor condition) all week on my own and work full time. The kids may help a big but they are very busy and it means I have to still do most of the chores.

He is saying that if he moves back in he will have other relationships when he ready or continue his current emotional affair but obviously will still be in the house and married to me. He says he is not divorcing yet. He says he is coming back for the children and the house but not me.

When he left the house, I told his mother via text he was leaving me for a younger woman and how upset I was. I also told her that I knew she’d never liked me and I had always felt unsupported by her, which is true.

I’ve held my feelings in about this for 20 years and in the crisis of the moment, I said this as I bottled it up. Apparently she is livid and I’ve “ burnt my bridges”.

I had tried to reach out to his family for many years as I have no family of my own being sadly estranged. They have always known this.This year I bought them all nice gifts but always felt I was just DH’s wife to them. They have never taken any interest in me or cared about what I do. I’ve always stayed polite.

His sister has never let me or my husband have any bond with her child, despite my allowing her always to play with my children from the very start 20 years ago and I have many photos of her playing with all my children throughout their lives. I’ve not one with her child and she barely knows who I am. Yet this is my fault he says even though he never sees his sister much either. She used to come to our town ( a half hr drive from hers) with her daughter for swimming but never visited us or told us she was here. But I’m wrong he says. That I should have called her if I’d wanted to see her baby. I even helped her cope with the birth. Yet it’s all my fault.

He says now I must apologise to his mum and that I’m trying to alienate him from his family. No I’m not. I was extremely upset by him walking out on us- distraught. They all think (apparently) he was right to leave me and without any other support in place. I’ve told him he’s left me with no car, no extra funds, no support for my health etc and his response was I’m trying to “ guilt trip” him. That I should just sort my life out now as a single mum.

He says I’m free now to see who I want, but I must work full time if he comes back and says I need to be out of the house, that I should just do what I want now.

He’s just washed his hands of me. He blames me completely and says I’m just a bully. He has recorded our arguments and played them to his family. He does not read or reply to my emails. He has told me over and over how bad I am via email. He threatens social services despite no contact with them throughout my children’s childhood. He says it’s up to me to live my life now.

My 3 choices are:

1. He returns and stays here as is his right but has other relationships while in the house in front of me and we sleep separately but not officially separated or divorced. ( my house is a terraced tiny house) He will not divorce.

1. He comes up weekends but that means I have no support coping in this house with its maintanance problems and my poor health during the week . This puts an intolerable strain on me as there is so much to do and I get very tired from my abdominal pain / restrictions, plus menopausal issues.

( The NHS have refused me surgery saying my hernia and hugely separated muscles are cosmetic. My case is now up at an escalated stage of complaint and I was offered it years ago at St Thomas’s Hospital, so I may have some hope. My hernia and no core muscles cause me constant pain and I can’t live normally, get healthy or work as a teacher.

1. I divorce and move which the kids don’t want to do in their final year of exams. They have begged me not to. But that means I stay here not moving forward for 3 years living married but alone with my husband cheating or he divorced when he chooses. I want to leave the area as soon as if I can but the kids education comes first for another 2 /3 years.

If anyone has any ideas as to how I cope with this, please let me know. Legally I can’t stop him coming back.

I am so tired. I am going to lose everything in a few years once my kids leave home and my husband divorces me. I face a very difficult future with my health concerns if the NHS still won’t mend my hernia, plus his £65k debt ( which I didn’t know about) means there is almost no equity, my age at 50 and no way of ever owning my own home again. Plus all this means it is hard for meet today meet someone else staying in this small town.

I’ve no money for any legal bills. I can’t see a lawyer at the moment as I can’t pay. I’m not entitled to legal aid except I might be able to get a loan to pay for the divorce which is then taken out of the settlement.

I am at a total loss. Sorry this is long. I’ve been dumped like a sack of potatoes. He refuses to discuss his infidelity and ignores all my requests for an open conversation yet attacks me for all I’ve done.

I don’t have any bills, pension or payslips to show.

You have a lot of issues to address but this is not insurmountable. Let's break it down and deal with each problem in turn.

1. Re. the assault - from what you say, it doesn't sound like the police are interested or that you have enough evidence to take your complaint forward. You've reported it, which will help with the divorce, but I wouldn't get too tied up on this given that you have so many other issues to address.

1. His family - they are bound to support him and not you. Forget them. Don't apologise. Don't communicate with them. They are not on your side.

1. Work / running the house - you are going to be a single mum. No matter how hard it is, you are going to have to put your big girl pants on and figure out how you will manage on your own in the future. If you cannot work because of your disability, you may be entitled to help. Your ex will most likely be required to pay you spousal maintenance if he has supported you financially for the duration of your marriage. He doesn't get to fuck off and leave you penniless.

1. House - as he is the legal owner, you can't lock him out. Legally he has a right to return. However as the non-owner spouse, you have an equitable interest in the matrimonial home which gives you "home rights" over it including the right to occupy the property. He can't make you leave.

By email, inform him that you have no wish to live together as friends or for him to live there at weekends only. Tell him you have taken advice and are aware of your right to occupational of the matrimonial home.

All the usual advice is for you to stay in the marital home but only you can decide whether this is bearable if he returns. If not, contact the council and explain that you and the children need housing.

File a matrimonial home rights notice with HM Land Registry. This protects your interest in the property against any attempt by him to sell or transfer the property.

1. Divorce - he doesn't get to decide what happens next. Stop listening to his bullying communications, what he is telling you is factually incorrect. I say that as a solicitor who knows! Tell him you have sought legal advice and YOU will be petitioning HIM for divorce. If he disputes the divorce, it will only increase legal costs for both of you so, as neither of you wish to be married to each other, it would be in everyone's best interests if he agreed to the divorce.

Then start the process online. If you don't have hard evidence of the adultery, do the petition on the basis of unreasonable behaviour instead, you can cite the emotional affair as an example, as well as the assault and any other behaviour.

1. Money - you have provided the childcare and run the family home during the marriage... your contribution has enabled him to work and earn the money to pay the mortgage and bills. The family courts recognise the non-financial contribution of stay at home mothers.

The starting point in financial settlements is 50/50 but the court will adjust that dependent on a number of factors including the welfare of the children, the income and assets of both parties, the ability of both parties to work, and the needs of both parties. He has financially supported you during the marriage. If you truly cannot work to support yourself, the court will require him to continue supporting you.

Tell him that you will be applying for spousal maintenance and child support and hope to be able to reach an amicable arrangement. Send him a blank Form E and ask him to complete it.... he won't but I t shows you aren't messing about.

Then make a list of all his income and capital assets including salary, investments and bank accounts, , pension, insurance policies, car, etc. Get an estate agent out to value the house. Copy or photograph any of his relevant statements etc and hide them somewhere he won't find them.

Fill in a Form E (available online) setting out your own income and assets and the needs of you and the children.

You can do this. One point at a time.

@FrolickingFannyBoots I think @PinotPony gives excellent advice.

I would add NCDV will give free support to get an occupation or non-mol order. Contact them! You have evidence.

I also had an abusive husband. I divorced him. My advice: stop ALL Contact with him. He is bullying and abusing you and you can't see clearly. In fact it took one email from my solicitor threatening an Occupation Order for my H to stop his threats re: staying in the house/taking it off me. for your own good stop any access he has to continuing the abuse of you. He is manipulating you.

I hope you take PinotPony's advice.

Please, please stop letting him speak to you. Cut contact. Only let him communicate via email, and then only for essential issues such as the children. He lies, he bullies, he manipulates. Keep repeating this to yourself. You need to learn and accept that this is what he does, this is what he is.

The issues with his family are a red herring and totally irrelevant. You are free of them now. Comments from his mother, photos or not of his sister, opinions of his family generally, do not matter. They are not your family. Please stop giving them brain space.

Speak to Women's Aid (again if you already have done). You need to apply for a non-mol order and maybe an occupation order. They should be able to guide you with this.

Really, his demands are outrageous. Thinking he can swan back into your home as and when he likes and conduct himself as he wishes in front of you and the children. You have to take pro-active steps to stop this though. Stop believing him and start some ball-busting instead.

@FrolickingFannyBoots

Thank you so much for this advice. He says that because I consented initially, it is not rape.

I wouldn't really accept his word on this matter.

OP I have not read the whole of this thread but I just wanted to reach out and say how sorry I am that you are in this situation.
I am absolutely appalled by your husband. He sounds like a disgusting human being. Reading between the lines he has eroded your self worth over many many years - effectively chewing you up and now spitting you out. He is scum.
Please stop listening to anything that he says. I know that the situation looks bleak, but you have the power to improve things. You have to find your strength now - if this pig is allowed to move back into the family home you will only find yourself in a worse position over time.
As with every story like yours, there are many complicated things to consider. Whilst I can imagine that every single MN user reading your story feels rage towards your husband and would like to help you - we simply cannot give you all the advice that you need for your circumstances. Please consider reaching out to a woman's refuge charity for full advice.
Personally I would suggest that husband stays at his parents and you do not agree to any other living arrangements until you have had a chance to seek proper professional advice. Please try not to communicate with him about anything other than the house / other shared assets and the children until then and only communicate via email if possible. He is a bully - whilst you are in this state of shock he will try to get you to agree to things or say things that are later used against you.

Pinot Pony, that’s amazing advice. Thank you so so much! I’ll do all this you say one step at a time. I really appreciate you taking the time to write all that out for me. Xx

Agatha X and itsnotdeep- thank you all so much too. Yes, he’s just keeping me there like a puppet. He just wants everything his own way and to come in and out of the house when he likes and do what he likes.

It’s not easy when I’ve been so dependent on him financially and working with my health issues is very hard. But I am trying and will get stronger, I just think it will take time.

I am just talking just via will continue to. He is the one who keeps referring back his family and all these issues, attacking me with them.

He has just run home to mummy and left me to cope with all everything in a very isolated, weak position.

He even moaned that my son has told him I wasn’t doing the same level of cooking as normal; ie, I am only preparing simpler meals rather than cooking from scratch. When he is the one who has left his family! And my kids are old enough to cook a meal for themselves at 18 and almost 17 if they like.

I’m just trying to process it all. The advice has been amazing and I can’t thank everyone enough for their kindness and care.

I just wish there was some way to make men who do this responsible for their actions. I have no idea how I will ever trust a man again.

Long legs.. yes I see and it’s lovely to read everything you say. X

I do feel so disempowered with no money, family support or car. I am trying to get strong, I am.

I don’t want him back in the house either, just no way. Legally I can’t stop him but I hope I can keep him out.

My children have said they don’t want any more police involvement though- my 18 Yr old is very distressed and my son has run away to his room and isn’t sleeping well. But I may well still go ahead , I’m fed up of being bullied by him. I don’t have much time left on this and I’ll have to jump one way of the other.

People have been so kind. I know they can only do so much but it’s lovely to know there is online support, even if I’m just ranting or expressing my feelings.

You’ve all been amazing !

I have found a great lawyer though if I can get some money together over the coming weeks. I’m going to let her handle my case if I possibly can. I think she will fight my corner and says the fees can come out from the settlement. All I need to find are some initial payments. There is no issue of custody so should be straightforward.

I am saying nothing to him as yes I agree, he will use it later against me. Just my email account for essentials.

He is the one who keeps referring back his family and all these issues, attacking me with them - when is he referring to his family? Via phone call, in person, email? You need to blank this line of talk. It's not relevant to you at all, only to him. You don't need to hear it, and you are under no obligation, either legally or morally, to have anything to do with his family, or to listen to his bleating about them. Shut him down over this - phone down, delete emails/communications or whatever, just don't engage.

He even moaned that my son has told him I wasn’t doing the same level of cooking as normal - again, as long as there is food in the house for your children to eat, refuse to listen to this. I assume he's putting words into your son's mouth, digging for anything to beat you with. He can only do that if you let him, so again, don't engage.

Are you still taking phone calls from him? Reading his messages? If you are, you need to stop immediately.

My children have said they don’t want any more police involvement though - this is not your chidlren's decision. It is you he assaulted, you he emotionally abuses, you he manipulates and frightens. Not them. You make the appropriate decision for you. For what it's worth, I think you should persist with police involvement. It's justified and at some point down the line I suspect you would be extremely glad that you did.

I don't have any more advice except please stop communicating with your abusive husband, OP. It's obvious from your posts that it's really messing your head up.

You are concerned about moving because your children are at a certain point in their education, but getting things to a stage where the house can be put on the market will surely take some time? I don’t have personal experience, but I remember that a divorcing friend who was in a dispute about a house had to wait until the final settlement had been worked out by the lawyers before it could be sold. More experienced heads than mine may be able to comment, but I wonder whether this will be far less of an issue than anticipated.

I’m only communicating via email.

So these are his comments and things he’s telling the kids. So I’m not actually speaking to him, don’t worry.

Yes I want to divorce so the final settlement can be sorted out before the house is sold. I know that will take some time. By the time it’s all sorted, they will have finished their education mostly.

I will consider all my options about the police.

I think if may be sensible and certainly everyone here thinks so - so I have a majority verdict!

This is all a continuation of abuse OP. He is attempting to whittle you down by constant attacks on you.

As for the police involvement yes you should pursue, and your childrens opinion should bear no weight on it. That might sound harsh but its true. Its not them who has experienced this.

Please stop excusing his behaviour as out of character. It isnt. Read all your posts back. Think of the hiding his finances, reducing your money, threatening you with ss, the assaults. He is a deeply disturbed and twisted individual who is getting away scot free with abuse. I very much doubt he would resist abusing/manipulating your children in some way too.

I’ve only read the OPs comments but has anyone suggested an occupation order?

Staples - yes, several posters.

How did the £65k debt come about, who is he in debt to and whose name is it in?

If you’re on a DMP is that both of you or just him and how much has been paid off?

Is the debt secured on the house? If it is then yes I see you’re right to be concerned for the future as any equity may be gobbled up.

However, you will be okay for the next few years as two of your kids are u18 so he will have to provide for them. Do not give up your job because once they are 18 he will not be liable for you.

He is a deeply disturbed and twisted individual.

Remember this, OP.

He is a deeply disturbed and twisted individual.
Remember this, OP

This is someone’s life not bloody EastEnders. Stop this melodrama.

There is a lot of “he said she said” going on…most of it is irrelevant.

OP would do well to avoid any self-designated psychoanalysis experts and focus on practicalities and the kids.

I’m sorry to hear that you’re still in turmoil but there are some red flags here.

Why is your DH “threatening social services”? In what context was that said?

You also said your DH says he is returning to “protect the kids from you”. What on earth does that mean? I take it you sought an explanation from DH because if mine said either thing to me I certainly would be asking questions as to why they needed protection from me!