Hello all lovely ladies on mumset, I really really need some help in a crisis situation please. I have no one to turn to at the moment and am totally alone.
The day before New Year, my husband of almost 20 years walked out on us and went to his parent's house. He has been having an emotional and possible sexual affair for some time I believe and I was suspicious for two years. Typical middle aged man, younger woman scenario. I am 50 and she is early 30's. She has been after him for more than a a year now and has moved moved down to London from Glasgow to be near him. He helped her move here and is now involved
much more closely.
He has become cruel, unkind and heartless toward me, speaking with a different voice, sending me authoritative emails about when he is returning to collect his things and stating that he is not going to divorce yet. The house is in his name and he says he will not sell. I simply do not recognise him and my kids are absolutely devastated.
Last month, we were buying gifts for parents and friends together in a antique shop. He bought a Molton Brown Christmas bauble saying it was for his mum. I thought it was odd as he has never been interested in toiletries. Later that week, I found that and the same set of hand creams he had bought me in a bag with pants, new ladies black t shirts and socks by his desk - I knew it was a bag packed to go to this woman. She is Polish and works in IT. They met at a mutual friend's wedding in the Czech Republic in 2019.
Before he left last week, I tried to reason with him to save our marriage. I consented to sex ( it's been many months ) but he then basically rammed my legs open, shoved himself inside me, had an orgasm. He came out, turned over and went to sleep. He hurt me. he has never done that before, but because i initially consented to help keep him at home , I cannot claim rape .The next day he said he had angry sex, that he had used me and taken advantage of me. I wish I had recorded this!
He has now kept on and on texting me with accusations of my emotional abuse abuse in arguments; throwing lots and lots of text messages etc at me from the past. He has recorded all out arguments and sent them to me as evidence. But they actually show even in 2018 that I was asking him about our relationship and how unhappy I was. He never replied to the issues I raised properly. I admit I have behaved badly in arguments and shouted but never threatened him in any way.
Last year, he hit me with a bottle after a row which was thrown across the room and caused me extensive bruising all across on my arm, a large hematoma and significant pain. I did not press charges. He says that I am the abusive partner due to my verbal bullying. I do have photos.
He now states he is leaving me but not my children. He tells me he does not love me, never has and wishes he never married me. He is demanding to return to the house after leaving last week to see my 3 teenage kids aged 14,16 and 17. They do not want to see him.
He says he will come back, see them, collect his things and go back home to his mum and dad for good. He is insisting on a trial separation and will not divorce me until he is ready. That he will keep
me in in our family home ( an area I really don't like or want to stay in) until my youngest is 18. He is dominating every conversation and interaction we have now. He refuses to respond via text most days and calls me instead when convenient for him. He has suggested that the come home at weekends only and stay at his mums during the week. \he says he will not come home again to stay as I am forcing him into a relationship again where he will be abused by me verbally and I'm a bully. He says alternatively I could leave. Yet just last week he was out with me going for a long walk and a take out coffee.
I have nor slept or eaten at all well since he left. In November, 2019 I just started a new job full time in education after a 17 year break as a stay at home mum. About 2 weeks into this, he started telling me I was awful, how wanted to leave and goaded me every day stating he no longer wanted the relationship and that he was leaving. I ran off on the day he told me day last month and went to my local woods to walk, think and had a drink to calm myself down after he stated he was leaving. He said if I did that again he was leaving.
I believe he has been planning this exit for a long time with this woman. He says he is as his parent's house. I have begged him to come home but he says I am controlling and manipulating him.
I do not know what to do. Should I file for divorce? He is saying that he will work at his parents and come up weekends to see the kids and help with the house but has left me. I do not think that this is helpful as he will be with this woman while I am alone. He is very evasive about the relationship and tells me nothing about it. He has been very secretive for months and months. I was so suspicious- I tried every thing to get evidence.
He wants to wait for the no fault divorce but I do not. He has been so so awful to me and rude every day since I started work. I have a large abdominal hernia and separated abdominal muscles. I need
significant surgery plus have diagnosed mental health conditions and am in in NHS therapy. I am quite weak. He is younger, no health problems. l I live in a small town with no support. I cannot drive and he has taken the car. I have nothing now. I am on compassionate leave from my work as I am trying to help support my children and am too distressed to work in school with the stress. he says I should just go to work as get on as normal.
If anyone could provide me with some advice I would be very grateful. I am at a total loss. I can barely write and it's been a few days now. This man has blind sided me, although I was very suspicious,. He has abandoned me and the children taking no responsibility.
He is just blaming and accusing me saying its all my fault. He will not return and says if he comes back he comes to see the kids and then will go back to his parents. I have no family to help or friends, I am alone here. I had no notion that he would leave like this, he has clearly been encouraged and prompted by this woman to leave me and built up to it He says he wants divorce later but no decision has been made. My two elder kids are in their final year of exams- my son Year 11, daughter Yr 13. This is so so stressful for them but they don't see the long term consequences. He says he will never be reconciled to me ever again.
I have £600 in my account and that's it. Should I apply for a divorce? What should I do ? I can't have him here just waling back in and dominating me. He has said that if he stays, he will have sex with her and then come back regularly after 3 days. He then asks me if I am in love with him and talks about our cats. He is expecting me to just carry on as normal while he leaves me with no support or help with my physical problems. The house is in need of real repair and renovation, it's in quite a state and he's just left me with it here in a poor condition,. I cannot run it alone with no notice. I have stated all this to him in texts but he ignores me.
Sorry this is long. I am desperate. I have no money, no car, friends of support, My job is minimum wage due to my physical problem of my hernia stopping me working in my old career as a teacher. My DH has literally upped and gone and turned into this awful awful man who now thinks I'm scum. He is so rude to me now and just exopect me to continue as normal without him. He told me he said in his mind- "just one more row over something small and that's it" Yet he is now making me go over and over all out rows from 4-5 years ago. I gave up my career, my health and life to move to Kent from London to facilitate his life. What should I do? Should I cut contact? I am just devastated by this.
Thank you for any advice. I really appreciate it.