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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't stand my son being with MIL

28 replies

mailpal · 06/01/2022 00:13

This could be controversial but my MiL is an anxious wreck and makes my sons nerves bad.. she literally hovers over him when he plays in the back garden or when on the park, she's terrible.. "be careful, mind that!"

He is only 3 and a sensitive one at that.. she hates him getting "messy" and says not to go in the sandpit..?!? Wtf

My husband has no backbone when it comes to her at all, anything he does bring up or go into slight conflict about she cries.

She's only 68.. guess I have to be the one to step up and say for her to back off in a polite way (not my natural, I'm more bullish)

She is staying with us this weekend - help!!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/01/2022 00:15

Stand up for your child and tell her to stop being so ridiculous. Since your husband is useless, you will have to deal with it.

Atla · 06/01/2022 00:21

Oh dear. My mum is a bit like that but at least I can tell her straight to stop. She nearly had kittens about dd's enthusiastic glitter crafting at Christmas - I had to say 'mum, it's my house - she can use her glitter, it's just mess'

.... but who had the last laugh? Because I'm still cleaning up glitter 2 weeks later!

MMmomDD · 06/01/2022 00:39

I think you are being a little unfair, and I think there is more to your history. I am guessing you didn’t like her much even before your child had been born.
And you seem to need your H to show her that you are the boss, somehow. Otherwise he has ‘no backbone’.

She is only coming for a weekend, not moving in. And her worst crime is being from different generation and being ‘overprotective’ in your opinion.

MN is full of people complaining about grandparents/partners who can’t be trusted with grand/kids. Having a bit of overprotection is far better, in my opinion.

Every generation raises kids their own ‘new and improved’ way. We always believe that we know more than our parents. So we mostly discount their advice and their concerns. It’ll happen to us when our kids have their kids.
For now - you can just get along with in laws. Don’t have to agree to change your behaviour. Just get along.
Because it’s good for the kids to have grand parents around. And they can be helpful with childcare too.

saraclara · 06/01/2022 00:59

"He's allowed to go in the sandpit, MIL"
"It doesn't matter if he gets messy, MIL"
"He knows what he's doing, MIL"
"He's fine, MIL"
"He's fine, MIL"
"Let him play, MIL. He's fine"

...over and over and over. There doesn't need to be a showdown. Just let her know, every time, that you're fine with what DC is doing.

HeddaGarbled · 06/01/2022 01:06

Divide and rule: she spends her time with her son, you spend your time with your son, with occasional very brief coming together, cut short by you whenever things get tense. Evenings, after your son has gone to bed, spend time with her yourself, be nice.

You can’t change her. Don’t try. Manage the situation. Your son and her will develop their own relationship in due course.

Flickflak · 06/01/2022 01:16

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

saraclara · 06/01/2022 01:25

I'm far more cautious with my DGD than I was with her mum. Because she's not my child. I would feel far worse if she was hurt under my watch, than I would have been if her mum had. I'd feel as guilty as hell and worry that my DD might think I hadn't taken care of her or been watching carefully enough.

Maybe MIL is just scared that you'll be annoyed with her if he hurts himself or gets dirty, OP. Which is why you need to respond with calm and firm reassurance. "He'll be fine - I'm happy for him to do that"

backtolifebacktoreality · 06/01/2022 02:24

It may be difficult for your MIL as there can appear to be much more of a responsibility to keep someone else's children safe

MizzFizz · 06/01/2022 02:32

My MIL is like this, and my daughter picks up on it so fast. DD(2) is so eager to listen and learn and follow rules, so we are trying to help her learn that it's ok to take some risks. In comes MIL with "be careful! You don't want to get hurt" every 5 mins, spreading her anxiety to DD. "Are you making a mess? Oh no we don't want to do that!" Etc.

We normally live abroad but after a few weeks in town with MIL, DD now constantly says "we have to be careful!" "We don't want to make a mess" arghhhhh!! I really want DD to know that it's ok to be a kid, she's only 2.

I've told MIL and my mother (who does it to a lesser degree) that we want DD to learn that it's ok to take some risks as she's already a huge rule follower, and to please cool it on the kneejerk "be carefuls" etc. They seem to understand and both make an effort (though it wears off over time and I have to remind them).

Wilburisagirl · 06/01/2022 03:52

@Flickflak

I wouldn’t be bothered by this. Who cares?
I would care. Kids absorb their carer's anxieties about these things and it can stop them feeling confident about trying new things and surrendering to the moment. This can have life long negative impacts.

My MIL used to hover while my DC1 was eating, wiping the tiniest dribble off her chin every time she took a bite. Every single time I would just would remind her that it's ok if she makes a mess, it's good for kids to explore their food and to learn to feed themselves. Eventually she eased up but I could tell it was a struggle for her.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/01/2022 06:38

I would care too.

mailpal has written at some length about his mother before now and she has been described as both overbearing and controlling. Crying at the drop of a hat is manipulative behaviour, she does this also because she can and she has learnt that behaving like this works for her.

Her DH is a wet lettuce when it comes to her because he has been conditioned to act so. He is mired in fear, obligation and guilt. His inertia also when it comes to his mother hurts him as much as the OP and her child. She is right to want to keep her child well away from someone like his mother.

I would cancel her visit to you now citing illness.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/01/2022 06:40

You need firm and consistently applied boundaries. Establish properly between you both what is and is not acceptable to you from her.

Totalwasteofpaper · 06/01/2022 07:00

@saraclara

"He's allowed to go in the sandpit, MIL" "It doesn't matter if he gets messy, MIL" "He knows what he's doing, MIL" "He's fine, MIL" "He's fine, MIL" "Let him play, MIL. He's fine"

...over and over and over. There doesn't need to be a showdown. Just let her know, every time, that you're fine with what DC is doing.

Yeah this with a few “Timmy carry on, you are fine” “Granny is being silly.. go down the slide”
Beseen22 · 06/01/2022 07:21

My DM is like this, her DM is even worse. So so anxious about everything. I agree just the constant 'he can manage the stairs fine' 'its ok you can play with play dough and help mummy clear it up' on repeat is the only thing that gets the point across because its natured in severe anxiety, so its pretty irrational.

I took my 2 yo to my grans and she was driving me mad because she was so anxious with everything he did so I shoved him outside in the small enclosed garden to wander about. She was even worse then because 'he might fall on the stones' as if as a 2 year old that would break his hip like it would hers!

ANameChangeAgain · 06/01/2022 07:26

You are going to have to be the one standing up. Sometimes is harder for adult children to challenge parents behaviour then it is for the dil/sil.
Example, we went on a big family holiday with my fussy mother. She was almost hysterical on the beach because my children were paddling in her opinion too far away. It was my dh who told her to calm down, stop fussing and that he could be there in a heartbeat if anything happened. It worked and held a lot more weight than my words would have.

Maray1967 · 06/01/2022 07:28

You need to intervene politely but firmly the first time she does it and if she doesn’t stop then you have to have a discussion with her. With mine it was about often food and her various food issues - eg don’t let him have too many strawberries etc. I responded firmly with he can have a good bowl of them because they’re in season and really good for you and he doesn’t eat many other fruits. But my DH would back me up and there wouldn’t be any tears from her.
Once when she did overstep, trying to talk to him/over me when he was upset, DH put his hand out to block her. He said nothing but she physically backed off and stopped.
You have to explain firmly to your DH that there is to be no hovering over DC and trying to stop him doing things that you’re fine with - and if he doesn’t step up and/or she doesn’t respond to your polite interventions you will eventually explode and he wouldn’t want that, would he.
I made that clear on the holiday when the above mentioned incident happened as the previous day she had tried to intervene. Cue talk to DH that evening and he stepped up the next day.

Howshouldibehave · 06/01/2022 07:33

Just tell her it’s good for his development to play in the sand and to go and talk to DH and look away if she doesn’t like it.

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/01/2022 08:02

@saraclara

"He's allowed to go in the sandpit, MIL" "It doesn't matter if he gets messy, MIL" "He knows what he's doing, MIL" "He's fine, MIL" "He's fine, MIL" "Let him play, MIL. He's fine"

...over and over and over. There doesn't need to be a showdown. Just let her know, every time, that you're fine with what DC is doing.

This

Firmly but nicely - and also telling your son it's fine.

But there's no need to be nasty and say granny is being silly as a PP suggested. The woman is clearly anxious, and you don't want to run her down in front of your child. (I'm sure you wouldn't.)

frozendaisy · 06/01/2022 08:46

We had an overly protective grandma.

Honestly just be gentle "he's ok"
She probably doesn't want to do anything "wrong".

She brought up the man you married so she can't be completely useless. Try getting her to talk about how she was as a mum when DH was 3, it might help her remember that you can take a few chances. In a year or two when DS is 5 he will take the lead anyway. "Don't worry grandma" etc.

It won't be forever.
Try and find a gentle way around this.

Annaghgloor · 06/01/2022 08:50

@Flickflak

I wouldn’t be bothered by this. Who cares?
It’s bad for a small child who’s exploring the world to have someone continually anxiously hovering and telling him not to do perfectly ordinary things, and not to get dirty. Both my mother and my MIL do this, and DS is now at the stage where it doesn’t matter, but when he was younger, I used to tell them very clearly to stop. It was very tiresome when I was a child to have a mother who expected everything to end in disaster and who was horrified by a child jumping in puddles or getting muddy.
Mumoftwoinprimary · 06/01/2022 09:07

Agree - the “It’s fine MIL” is the way to go.

But…. I would also think carefully about the sort of activities that you do when MIL is around and select ones that are at the lower end of the scale mess and adventure wise. Is he into board games yet? Is baking too messy?

When Dd was about 6 she used to go and stay with both my parents and in laws for a few days each in the summer holidays. She once commented that at granny and grandads she did lots of swimming and going out for lunch. At nana and grandads she did lots of baking, sewing and gardening.

I realised that when left to their own devices both my parents and in laws did the things that they were comfortable with. My in laws would have been horrified at the idea of taking someone else’s child swimming. But my parents are big swimmers so were fine with it. Can’t imagine them doing baking with Dd though!

saraclara · 06/01/2022 10:16

“Granny is being silly.. go down the slide”

@Totalwasteofpaper, how would you feel if your MIL undermined you to your child? Or if your offspring do that to you when you become a grandparent?

Seriously, don't do that to your child's GPs.

ThePlantsitter · 06/01/2022 10:21

Yeah don't say 'Granny is being silly' etc. But you could say 'Show Granny how you can ride your bike without help!' or 'Go and build granny the biggest sandcastle you can', 'show granny how good you are at balancing' etc.

Holly60 · 06/01/2022 11:01

You could even couch it as ‘it’s so lovely that you care/I can see how much you love him, but….’

saraclara · 06/01/2022 11:05

@Holly60

You could even couch it as ‘it’s so lovely that you care/I can see how much you love him, but….’
Well you can if you want to be really patronising.

@ThePlantsitter's solution is much better though, and simultaneously builds on the child's confidence.