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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

‘Going off’ DP for days, sometimes weeks

44 replies

RedGrapevine · 05/01/2022 21:44

Is this normal ? It’s not happened to me before and I can’t work out if it’s me or if it’s him?

We have been together a long time - over 15 years. Things have been pretty good.
If ever we argued it would be sometimes explosive (never ever violent I must add) but the argument would happen we were probably both to blame and then we would talk and resolve it and it would be over- nobody holding a grudge etc.

However lately on 3 occasions something has happened where he has been unpleasant- out of nowhere really and quite uncalled for and my reaction has surprised me ?

After the rare bigger arguments I felt like I was very angry at the time but that feeling just went once we had talked. I think as it felt like fault on both sides it was different ?

With these incidents I feel like not only have I been taken by surprise but I also feel disgusted almost at how he’s spoken to me/treated me? If that makes sense and each time it’s been like a switch has flicked in my mind and I then find him REPULSIVE.
I can’t cope with him near me and I look at him and just feel disgust? The first two times it took me over 2 weeks to stop feeling like it but it’s happened again and I’m avoiding him.

First time I had lost a close friend and he was hugely unsympathetic and that did it. Second time was when I lost my mum and he was firstly quite cold and unsympathetic then a few days later had a go at me for something I do t even remember what and I said to him how could you??? I’m trying to hold things together around the children and you’re making me feel awful??
He got annoyed I was upset and then tried to be nice, apologise and got me flowers but I wasn’t ready it was too raw and when I didn’t just ‘start again’ as he put it he was annoyed at me and unpleasant again and I told him he has no right to feel that he can dictate how i feel - I wasn’t ready to accept his apology and actually he needs to know I’d rather he didn’t do these things in the first place that that would mean more than these big gesture apologies

This time was just because he was making fun of me over something and immediately I felt repulsed by him ?

OP posts:

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 05/01/2022 21:47

He doesn't sound like a very nice person tbh

Original poster

RedGrapevine · 05/01/2022 21:49

I probably haven’t got my point across well at all I’m feeling quite stressed by it all.

I think what’s really getting to me is how he can be unpleasant but stop at the drop of a hat and declare it all over and how we will start again - flowers etc and at points where I’m still upset then it’s argument number 2 when I don’t comply ?

I feel like I’m not sure I’ll get over it this third time he was just taking the piss and my reaction is repulsion and I’m not sure if this time I can overcome it or if I want to ?

OP posts:

Original poster

RedGrapevine · 05/01/2022 21:51

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

He doesn't sound like a very nice person tbh

He was, but I dont think he is anymore.

In all honesty it doesn’t feel like there’s someone else it feels like I’ve had a bad run of things losing people and become quite low and vulnerable and it genuinely feels like he’s seen a weakness and it’s a way to exert some kind of power ?? It’s making me look at him and feel repulsed

OP posts:

Original poster

RedGrapevine · 05/01/2022 21:53

He’s never been like this before and has never ever been violent.

He said wheh I lost my friend how if it was him he ‘wouldn’t be whinging and crying’ he would ‘just get on’ and he seemed irritated at me being upset. So with my mum I really bottled it up - he seemed to want to push me to react

OP posts:

Original poster

RedGrapevine · 05/01/2022 21:54

I’m starting to feel have I got such a low tolerance for this kind of shitty behaviour subconsciously and my kind has just gone ‘right that’s it he’s disgusting ‘
I can’t go on with him that’s how I feel

OP posts:

Original poster

RedGrapevine · 05/01/2022 21:54

kind-mind

OP posts:

Original poster

RedGrapevine · 05/01/2022 21:56

Also and sorry to rant he never takes responsibility properly he apologises woth flowers and gifts but still gets digs in like ‘oh here are flowers for you let’s start again, I didn’t mean to be like that but I did clean the windows in 2002 and cleaned your car in 2003 then in 2006 I walked the dogs 3 times in one week’ or some other crap telling me how great he is

OP posts:

Inthesameboatatmo · 05/01/2022 21:58

He sounds like a prize dickhead.
You've got the ICK!!!. No coming back from it I'm afraid. Ltb.

Builderscrack · 05/01/2022 22:02

You did get your point across perfectly well IMO- I get it completely I really do. You just actively dislike him now and there’s no getting away from it. Quite honestly I hate your husband right now!!! He sounds like a truly unpleasant, self absorbed, uncompassionate (not a word but ok) arsehole. The subtle exertion of power when you’re at your lowest I think would be the nail in the coffin for me, and sounds like it is for you.

Without going into details about my own situation- I empathise completely with your situation and your feelings as a result.

Builderscrack · 05/01/2022 22:05

LTB I think sadly is the only option (hardly bloody easy though).
I was going to mention the ick- and very well deserved it is too! (Although of course this is not over something trivial like using a high pitched voice when he speaks to his mum or something)

Builderscrack · 05/01/2022 22:05

*not that that would be trivial

Original poster

RedGrapevine · 05/01/2022 22:07

@Builderscrack

Without going into details about my own situation- I empathise completely with your situation and your feelings as a result.

Yes I think that’s it - how he has behaved when I was at my lowest.

He can tell me all the great things he’s done yes fine and yes he has over the years been wonderful and been lovely but those good things don’t cancel out the shorty stuff he’s done when I needed him. It was like he saw the vulnerability and instead of it triggering kindness and protectiveness he saw me as an easy target ?

I’ve not really lost anyone close to me before so 2 people in a shot wove of time was hard and yes maybe I was very emotional but I hate the way it clearly irritated him so much

OP posts:

Original poster

RedGrapevine · 05/01/2022 22:07

*shitty stuff

OP posts:

Original poster

RedGrapevine · 05/01/2022 22:08

Shot wove-short space.

Sorry typing too fast as just feel so annoyed

OP posts:

thetinsoldier · 05/01/2022 22:09

I think you've got it - you really needed him to be kind and understanding when you lost your mum and friend, but he couldn't or didn't do this for you. He let you down at the worst of times, and you can't forgive him for it.

I get you, op, and I'd feel the same. 💐

Original poster

RedGrapevine · 05/01/2022 22:13

I don’t think there’s any getting over it this time it was bad enough the previous times took over 2 weeks for me to be able to be anywhere near him . I told him as well and he didn’t seem overly bothered just said ‘well let me know then when you can stand the sight of me’ and I slept in the spare room till I felt ok

OP posts:

Builderscrack · 05/01/2022 22:14

It was like he saw the vulnerability and instead of it triggering kindness and protectiveness he saw me as an easy target

It’s almost like this is a third bereavement for you- the realisation that this is how he is. You can’t ‘unsee’ it. ‘In sickness and in health’ etc… what a colossal let down and disappointment he’s proved himself to be. I’m truly sorry for you.

Builderscrack · 05/01/2022 22:17

Sorry, being an armchair psychologist tonight- but it sounds like he’s jealous of the close relationships you had (and lost 🌺).
Which still leaves him beneath contempt.

Original poster

RedGrapevine · 05/01/2022 22:20

He just seemed really irritated by me being emotional so i then really bottled it up only for him to almost goad me it felt like , or maybe that’s just my perception of it but it felt that way

I’m just off him totally, really feel like I’d rather be alone forever than with someone who coasts along with a fake mr nice image while things go well and then when I needed him he failed totally

OP posts:

Hayisforhorse · 05/01/2022 22:23

I knew someone like this. I think there are some people who are fine until you are vulnerable and then some sort of bully comes out in them. Perhaps they've always been a bully to others they perceive as weak but haven't shown you that side of themselves.

This is awful for you, and I'm not surprised you don't feel attracted to him. He's showing you a really unpleasant side, and he's let you down terribly. Why should you try to come back from this? He's the one who's a problem, not you.

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 05/01/2022 22:23

I'm so sorry for your loss of your friend and mum. Your husband wasn't there for you when you probably needed him the most, and its quite appalling that he doesn't see any wrong in his behaviour.

Wreath21 · 05/01/2022 22:25

Some bullies can be perfectly fine when things are going well, but any sign of weakness in another person sets off their nasty side: they are incapable of putting themselves second or offering support. Sounds like he is one of these people.

billy1966 · 05/01/2022 22:27

Sorry OP, he sounds awful.

You are well on the road of the beginning of the end IMO.

You are detaching emotionally each time he behaves in an unacceptable way and are becoming more repulsed by him.

His demanding you get over his bad behaviour when he decides is very controlling and his anger when you don't is abusive.

I think you need to really think about your relationship and do you want to continue.

How are you fixed financially and work wise, as that effects your options.

He certainly doesn't sound like a kind empathetic man.

I would be having a hard think, decide and make plans.

If you need space, could you move out of the bedroom to take some time in privacy?

I would be wary of someone so unkind.

tarasmalatarocks · 05/01/2022 22:27

Sometimes OP there are no ‘red flags’ we should all be spotting from day 1, sometimes people do actually just change from kind, loving, team players to a person you may care about in some ways but would never have got involved with. My H had a melt down about some business thing (we work together) when I was on the phone to our 23 year old son today and screamed at me to put the phone down immediately. My son actually sent him a WhatsApp to tell him that it’s not something he wanted to stick his nose in but he’s fed up of hearing him shouting at me for no big reason and that his manner f sucks and to sort it out— He has apologised, but like you I think that’s not the point and I hear my Hs voice in your Hs words too.its not a one off, it happens quite frequently but he can be nice too . I have no solutions other than leave and at 60 that’s a big upheaval to contemplate as would effectively lose job as well and we don’t own our home— he is a highish earner though!!

billy1966 · 05/01/2022 22:31

His inclination when you were vulnerable was to be unkind and you can't unsee that, nor should you.

I see no reason to continue to be with someone whom you now know will never have your back.

You are simply wasting time.

Move into the spare room permanently and get organised.

He really does sound odious.

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