‘Going off’ DP for days, sometimes weeks

[RedGrapevine]

Is this normal ? It’s not happened to me before and I can’t work out if it’s me or if it’s him?

We have been together a long time - over 15 years. Things have been pretty good.
If ever we argued it would be sometimes explosive (never ever violent I must add) but the argument would happen we were probably both to blame and then we would talk and resolve it and it would be over- nobody holding a grudge etc.

However lately on 3 occasions something has happened where he has been unpleasant- out of nowhere really and quite uncalled for and my reaction has surprised me ?

After the rare bigger arguments I felt like I was very angry at the time but that feeling just went once we had talked. I think as it felt like fault on both sides it was different ?

With these incidents I feel like not only have I been taken by surprise but I also feel disgusted almost at how he’s spoken to me/treated me? If that makes sense and each time it’s been like a switch has flicked in my mind and I then find him REPULSIVE.
I can’t cope with him near me and I look at him and just feel disgust? The first two times it took me over 2 weeks to stop feeling like it but it’s happened again and I’m avoiding him.

First time I had lost a close friend and he was hugely unsympathetic and that did it. Second time was when I lost my mum and he was firstly quite cold and unsympathetic then a few days later had a go at me for something I do t even remember what and I said to him how could you??? I’m trying to hold things together around the children and you’re making me feel awful??
He got annoyed I was upset and then tried to be nice, apologise and got me flowers but I wasn’t ready it was too raw and when I didn’t just ‘start again’ as he put it he was annoyed at me and unpleasant again and I told him he has no right to feel that he can dictate how i feel - I wasn’t ready to accept his apology and actually he needs to know I’d rather he didn’t do these things in the first place that that would mean more than these big gesture apologies

This time was just because he was making fun of me over something and immediately I felt repulsed by him ?

I truly feel for you OP, your DH has been a prized jerk, self absorbed dickhead. DH has never let you openly grieve for your two losses, TBH I don’t think he understand any depth of feelings or capacity to think beyond himself. He views everyone else loss on his perspective not yours frim what you describe

Trying to wipe the slate clean with flowers etc, is simply salt to the wound.. he i. Not acknowledging you or your loss your making sure you feel validated in your feelings, safe & protected.

It’s the ick and DH is being every inch a word that ends in ick!

I’m so sorry for the losses you’ve suffered.

I absolutely understand what you’re going through. I felt the same about my recent ex.

After we’d argued usually it would be done and dusted a day later and then we’d be back to normal, sometimes even closer as we’d opened up to each other and then often had make up sex.

But a couple of times when it was really below the belt I would find him physically repulsive for several days if not weeks. I always thought he was the most handsome man I’d ever laid eyes on. Except after a big argument (& during actually) when I’d look at him and it was like his face had changed, he was like a stranger to me.

Since we split a month ago I’ve looked at old photos of him and I honestly can’t see why I thought he was attractive any more. I know it’s different in person because photos often don’t give the whole picture - it was his smell and the way he made me feel that was attractive - but even so, this time it does feel different.

He also ‘kicked’ me when I was down. I have been struggling with menopause and he mocked me for it being ‘that time of the month’ - as he always did - and I shouted that I don’t have a time of the month, I’m 47, and I’m struggling with getting my HRT dose right (which he knows) despite my mum dying of breast cancer after taking HRT. And that him taking the piss out of it was disgusting.

And it’s like a switch flicked and I realised that he’s a misogynistic prick.

I don’t know if you can ever get past the way you feel, but if you do, it may just be another nail in the coffin of your relationship. Sending you love and strength to make the choices that are right for you. You deserve better.

You've seen it now, there's no unseeing that he's just not very nice towards you.

Take some time to think about whether you want the relationship to continue - would you ultimately feel happier without him?

Has your DH been bereaved? Any experience or history of that in his family?

Some people (and I reckon more of them are men) can find big emotions very scary to be around. Would his parents have belittled / controlled his feelings this way?

Not that this is an excuse but if he’s an otherwise decent kind person is it worth discussing that with him when you feel able?

His response isn’t ok, and if you do want to LTB please do.

But it’s a glib thing to say on a website. This is your life. Is it worth a conversation first where you point out how abnormal his reaction is and ask him to reflect on it?

@Catsstillrock

Has your DH been bereaved? Any experience or history of that in his family?

Some people (and I reckon more of them are men) can find big emotions very scary to be around. Would his parents have belittled / controlled his feelings this way?

Not that this is an excuse but if he’s an otherwise decent kind person is it worth discussing that with him when you feel able?

His response isn’t ok, and if you do want to LTB please do.

But it’s a glib thing to say on a website. This is your life. Is it worth a conversation first where you point out how abnormal his reaction is and ask him to reflect on it?

No he hasn’t been bereaved and I’m ashamed to say the second time after my mum passed away and he was horrible I did snap back at him I would be remembering his behaviour and how he was to expect zero sympathy from me if anyone he cared about died 😞 I shouldn’t have said it but I was angry

I understand OP. I went through similar feelings before I split up with my first H. We used to argue, and make up, but one day all of a sudden, after he'd been particularly horrible, it was like a bucket of water had been thrown over me. It literally happened in an instant, and I realised that in that moment, I'd stopped loving him.

This is your gut speaking to you. He is a horrible man. He does not have your back and every cell of your body knows this. Of course you are going to detest him. He will expect you to care for him in similar circumstances though. Leave him. Find someone with normal levels of empathy and decency or no-one at all would be better than this twat.

He's a horrible man, op, end of discussion. To treat you so badly when your mum had just died is unforgivable. I'd tell him to go fuck himself with those stupid flowers.

In all honesty it doesn’t feel like there’s someone else it feels like I’ve had a bad run of things losing people and become quite low and vulnerable and it genuinely feels like he’s seen a weakness and it’s a way to exert some kind of power ??

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. You now know what to expect if you find yourself similarly vulnerable in the future which is horribly unsettling. Not surprised you're feeling repulsed by him.

@HomeTheatreSystem

In all honesty it doesn’t feel like there’s someone else it feels like I’ve had a bad run of things losing people and become quite low and vulnerable and it genuinely feels like he’s seen a weakness and it’s a way to exert some kind of power ??

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. You now know what to expect if you find yourself similarly vulnerable in the future which is horribly unsettling. Not surprised you're feeling repulsed by him.

Definitely.

Cut your losses.
He is not in your corner and never will be.

Happened to me and, with the benefit of hindsight, I'd suggest it's not him that's changed, it's you. In my case, after years of being the peacekeeper and making sure all arguments were resolved, I just gradually stopped. I think initially I just loved him a little less, and cared a little less. By stopping it exacerbated his natural behaviour, which led to more disconnection from me, until eventually there was no love left anymore. Now happily divorced

@RedGrapevine

He’s never been like this before and has never ever been violent.

He said wheh I lost my friend how if it was him he ‘wouldn’t be whinging and crying’ he would ‘just get on’ and he seemed irritated at me being upset. So with my mum I really bottled it up - he seemed to want to push me to react

Wanker.

He's training you not to place any emotional demands on him and he doesn't want to do any emotional labour at all. Either that, or it's something to do with empathy. Either he's never been truly empathetic as a person or he resents you so much that he doesn't think you deserve an ounce of sympathy.

I think the issue is that he's done something at a time that he can never reverse. There's one thing snapping or having a row over housework or driving as this is insignificant in the grand scheme of life. Housework can be done again and driving can be apologised for and never commented on again. Being nasty, unpleasant and unsupported during a bereavement can NEVER be forgotten, he doesn't get another chance to redeem himself, and this IS a significant event in your life. I'm not surprised you are struggling to put this behind you. In the grand scheme of things, this is big.

My narcissistic bf would choose significant events in my life to argue with me, be unsupportive etc.

I wonder whether he has ever really been that supportive or whether you’ve never needed that sort of support before. He sounds so dismissive and almost like he was poking you to get a reaction, makes me wonder how much emotional energy you would normally give him and whether he was trying to get the focus back to himself.

Anyway it’s kind of by the by, this man doesn’t have your back and and treated you with less empathy than I would someone I couldn’t stand. Which is what most people would be like, even if you don’t like someone you are empathetic if they suffer a bereavement.

For me that would be the end because how could I respect and trust and love someone, share my life with them, when they treated me that way.

The subtle exertion of power when you’re at your lowest

Nail on the head there. This happened for me and it killed my attraction to my partner

He's training you not to place any emotional demands on him and he doesn't want to do any emotional labour at all. Either that, or it's something to do with empathy. Either he's never been truly empathetic as a person or he resents you so much that he doesn't think you deserve an ounce of sympathy.

Spot on. My emotionally abusive ex was like this... and telling your partner they shouldn't be "whinging and crying" and should "just get on with it" when they've lost a friend is actually emotional abuse – it's showing contempt for your emotions/experience.

My ex was mostly fine as long as I didn't need anything from him – in fact, he made a big thing in the early days about how he liked 'strong women' – what I later worked out was that this was code for "I've got very little to give".

Your husband may not have much empathy, which would mean he has no idea how to support you in your grief. He also might like feeling he is always "right" or that he's pretty much perfect as he is, which means he wouldn't think to ask you how he could support you.

But he can probably recognise at some level that he should be supporting you, and this makes him feel inadequate. That's uncomfortable for him, so he turns it around on you and makes out that you're behaving in an unreasonable way, instead of a completely normal reaction to grief.

@RedGrapevine

He’s never been like this before and has never ever been violent.

He said wheh I lost my friend how if it was him he ‘wouldn’t be whinging and crying’ he would ‘just get on’ and he seemed irritated at me being upset. So with my mum I really bottled it up - he seemed to want to push me to react

This is heartbreaking.

I often think a good test is to ask yourself whether if you met him now, as he is nowadays, would you choose to date him? To live with him? To marry him?

It can be a brutal thing to ask yourself but a good reality check.

My father in law is just disgusted at the way h talks to me when he’s on the phone to him he hears it all as it’s on loud speaker, he’s backing me 100 per cent to leave. No once you feel like this I doubt you can go back.

I left my exH because of the way he treated me while my Mum died. My Mum was diagnosed with secondaries and he told me that I was so negative about my Mums diagnosis and she was going to get better. I'd worked in the hospice for 8 years. I knew that people with mets didnt get better. I'll never forgive him for that. He never listened.
Be strong, this man isn't on your side either. Please leave too.