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Original poster

Should you feel sorry for someone who abused you if they were abused?

49 replies

Doyouever · 05/01/2022 19:08

My ex husband was abusive, found guilty during court proceedings etc few years ago.

He blamed his abuse on the fact he was abused by his father and it worked and they felt sorry for him at the time, it got him off really.

Is is right to feel sorry for someone who is like this? I knew this from the beginning of the relationship and it certainly got him off many things towards me until I ended up having a nervous breakdown. I felt sorry for him, he got no help apart from spending hours a day meditating which to be fair got him out of doing any chores but was better then sitting and smoking weed.

I think if he truly understood what he was doing he would have sort therapy but he used to say he didn’t believe in western therapy methods. He still has undertaken no therapy but claims he is fixed as it was all because of his dads abuse.

OP posts:
LeifSan · 05/01/2022 19:10

Nope I think it’s worse as they know firsthand how it feels and choose to inflict that pain on others. I feel less sympathy for grown adults in that sort of situation.

Bowwowwowoh · 05/01/2022 19:11

No, obviously.

GoGoGretaDoll · 05/01/2022 19:12

I think it's possible to have compassion for someone in this situation. Maybe even pity. It's possible to believe that if thing A hadn't happened, then thing B wouldn't have happened.

But many, many people who are abused don't go on to become abusers. So it doesn't give abused people a free pass to abuse.

Ultimately though, whatever YOU feel is OK to feel. No-one on here can tell you what to feel.

Smartiepants79 · 05/01/2022 19:17

It’s possible to feel ‘sorry’ for anyone who’s been abused but it should not alter the outcome of court proceedings or any punishment that should have been imposed for HIS own choices.
Many people are abused and do not become abusive themselves. Abusing others is still a conscious choice that should have consequences.

Elieza · 05/01/2022 19:17

I have a lot of sympathy for those who were the innocent victims of childhood abuse. It can be horrific. Poor children.

However I agree that I have less sympathy for abusers who then go on to abuse others. They know how bad it was. What hurt. How much it hurt. How they felt powerless and afraid. And yet they go on to do that to others. WTAF.

Makes no sense to me. Especially nowadays when counselling is a thing and anyone can get it where I am through the nhs, (granted it could take years as waiting lists are so high), or via health insurance or by paying privately.

Meditating is good for you but shouldn’t be used as a manipulative tactic. And it’s likely he’s kidding himself on if he thinks he’s worked through all the years of pain alone without guidance.

Glad he’s your Ex. He sounds like pain waiting to happen to others.

SmallElephant · 05/01/2022 19:22

I think that knowing he was abused can help with the "why me? Was it something I did?" that many abused people struggle with. It explains his behaviour but doesn't excuse it, in my opinion. He made his own choices and needs to take responsibility for them.

imasurvivor2 · 05/01/2022 19:25

I was abused by my 'd'f and know he was abused for years as a child. I feel sorry for that, but he was a grown adult who chose to abuse me as a young child. Adults who abuse know what they're doing and make active choices to abuse. It doesn't happen by accident- in my case sexual abuse so very clearly wrong and not a case of a bit of shouting after a hard day (not that this is right either)

Just10moreminutesplease · 05/01/2022 19:34

I’m sorry you experienced abuse OP Flowers.

I think it’s ok to pity people who repeat the abuse of their childhood. It doesn’t make their abuse ok, but our experiences can impact our actions, especially when they happen during our formative years.

I wouldn’t ever expect a victim of abuse to feel anything but contempt for their abuser though. It’s not their responsibility to care about their abuser’s childhood. And I think therapy should be a condition of any reduced sentence to help prevent the cycle continuing.

Original poster
Doyouever · 05/01/2022 19:36

Yes I was able to answer the question why me on his behalf but then it was the why did I accept it which has been harder. He wasn’t a horrible person deep down he just didn’t know how to love or if he really loved himself. It was sad really. It was always transactional.

OP posts:
GorgeousGeorgiana · 05/01/2022 19:38

I think if someone was abused as a child, it's possible to feel sorry for the child and not the abusive adult they become.

He still had a choice not to inflict his pain on you and he didn't choose that.

Meadowblossom · 05/01/2022 19:47

When I did my safeguarding course we were taught that most abusers were abused themselves. I think it is possible to feel sympathy for the person who was abused and also understand what may have led to the abusers actions.

Dancingsmile · 05/01/2022 19:50

I think there's a muddling between feeling sorry for someone and excusing them because of what happened to them.
Yes I feel sorry for anyone who was abused. This has caused them horrific physical and mental pain which alters them permanently.
No it does not excuse their actions. They may have had a traumatic horrific life but this is not a pass to pass that treatment on.
Treat the person , punish the person, feel sorry for them but do not be lenient and enable them.

Pinkbonbon · 05/01/2022 19:55

Many sociopaths and narcissists were abused in childhood. So?

Do you feel sorry for a serial killer because they had a nasty dad? Probably not.

Also, plenty of people are abused in childhood and don't grow up to be abusers themselves.

And no, he is not fixed. And he has no interest in stopping being an abuser because - he doesn't care that he is one.

Also, abusers tend to blame everyone but themselves for their actions.

Pity him if you want. But do it from far, far away from him. Personally, I'd have more pity for the women he will go on to abuse.

AnotherMansCause · 05/01/2022 19:56

I think it's possible to feel sorry for someone who was abused as a child, for their childhood suffering & loss of innocence etc, & separate that from their behaviour as an adult. Lots of people were subjected to poor parenting, abusive behaviour etc as kids, many are able to avoid copying it & inflicting it on the next generation, on partners, etc.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/01/2022 20:08

I believe that on the whole people are a product of their environment and that’s luck. On a human level I’m sorry for anybody who didn’t stand much of a change of growing into a decent healthy kind person- that isn’t to excuse their behaviour or to justify it- but to understand it

Original poster
Doyouever · 05/01/2022 20:09

What happens if like him he was abused until the age of 18 when his mum finally left. Unfortunately she was of the understanding back then that it was better to stay then leave. When I talk to people they say they know they abusive. Do you think maybe there are those who have no idea what they are doing? That’s a really long time to live like that. When I was with him he always said well you should have met my dad, I’ve never beaten you like him. True he wasn’t really that physical but he was awfully emotionally and mentally. He never really new love, he forced, manipulated it or tried to create it. It was odd really looking back. He also had a really bad extremely quick temper. He always felt unloved by me, nothing was enough. But then when you forcing someone to love you it’s mush feel enough.

I wouldn’t go back even, may “pity” but only from afar now.

Sorry don’t know why I’m emptying my brain.

OP posts:
GrendelsGrandma · 05/01/2022 20:24

Not sure if it makes any difference whether you feel sorry for him. I don't think anyone who is an abuser is living their best life and they are probably unhappy souls. So to that extent it is bad for them.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 05/01/2022 20:32

It's an explanation but never an excuse. There's no justification at all for a mentally competent adult to be abusive. If an adult finds themselves triggered and reacting in an abusive way from a place of trauma, it is their responsibility to seek help and support to stop, and to not have children or live with anyone unless they can. Abusing someone because you were abused is never excusable.

moremoony · 05/01/2022 20:35

How long ago was this and are you getting weekly therapy for what happened to you? You deserve help and regular support

Original poster
Doyouever · 05/01/2022 20:40

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons that makes a lot of sense. I didn’t say it but there are children involved so I’m still involved as far away as I can be tho. I think me leaving made him look at himself a little but still he is the victim, which yes once he was but he uses it as an excuse. My dad abused me, my dad died, my back hurts etc etc. When actually you a grown up with trauma and need to deal with it and not make endless excuses. He like to be a victim.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doyouever · 05/01/2022 20:44

Only trouble was this worked at court big time and he had them all feeling sorry for him. Poor man abused by his dad and now ex won’t let him see children. Was a show.

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 05/01/2022 20:51

Do you think maybe there are those who have no idea what they are doing? That’s a really long time to live like that. When I was with him he always said well you should have met my dad, I’ve never beaten you like him.
I think you could be behaving in an abusive way without realising, due to PTSD, but once your partner tells you how your behaviour is hurting them or your DC then you know and it becomes the abusers responsibility to get help and stop reacting.

It's like when I told H his behaviour had scared me, and I was feeling anxious around him, his reaction was to tell me how horrible I was for telling him that and I was expected to just get over it is. If anyone ever said that to me I would be devastated I'd done that, I'd be so apologetic, saying and meaning that I would make sure it never happened again. I'd be going straight to my GP to get a referral for counseling and asking what other help I could get not to behave that way again.

I've never beaten you like him sounds like he knows he's abusive, he's saying yeah I abuse you, but I'm not as bad as my Father was. No physical violence should be a given, not something you're expected to be thankful for.

WeaverofWords · 05/01/2022 20:53

It explains but it doesn’t excuse it.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 05/01/2022 21:00

@Doyouever

Only trouble was this worked at court big time and he had them all feeling sorry for him. Poor man abused by his dad and now ex won’t let him see children. Was a show.
It can work unfortunately. Some judges will buy into that victim mentality and some won't. Justice shouldn't depend on who you get deciding your case, but it can and does.
Redannie118 · 05/01/2022 21:12

No i think its worse. My mum was abused as a child and in turn abused me my whole life until i cut her off. Her abuse of me was the power she lost as a child, now she had the power and she was going to make me feel the anger and pain she felt. She used laugh when she had me a howling sobbing mess, she really enjoyed it. When my baby was born(3 adults now) i Iooked at him and swore I would never ever inflict upon him what had happened to me. And I didnt. My kids are lovely happy adults now. Remember abusing a child is always a choice for an adult and the ones who choose to do it when they know what it feels like are the lowest of the low.