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Original poster

Did anyone settle for a nice, safe partner/relationship?

36 replies

TinaTurning · 05/01/2022 14:03

Not entirely sure how I want to word this, but I'll give a go. I have been single for a number of years after leaving an abusive relationship and spending a lot of time focusing on myself and daughter. Have met someone from OLD, he is a bit older, divorced (amicable) no kids.
He is really nice.. but I suppose what I am trying to say is he doesn't IGNITE the passion in me, not that there is any passion to ignite, but I don't look at him and feel pwhoar.
However, I do know if we progress that I will have nice life with him, I could see him taking on my daughter as his own in the far future, he is always interested when I talk about her and her little quirks etc.
I just feel like because my previous relationship was so horrific with my daughters father that nice and safe is probably what I NEED as oppose to what I actually WANT - especially as I get older.
Just wondering how many of you settled for a nice, safe relationship/partner and has your relationship survived.

OP posts:
B1rdflyinghigh · 05/01/2022 17:20

Never settle. Raise your bar higher and look for someone wonderful and who gives you the phwoah feelings.

I settled and I'm now divorced.

Mumof3confused · 05/01/2022 17:28

I did and we are now in the process of separating. I believe that settling was a fatal error.

Mumof3confused · 05/01/2022 17:29

Ps this was also the Mr Nice Guy who came along after a series of awful men. I thought that somehow there must be something wrong with me if I was not able to have a relationship with a nice man. It was perfectly nice but our sex lite has suffered and I believe it to be the glue we are missing.

RoyKentsChestHair · 05/01/2022 17:31

You can have nice and phwoar! Just because you fancy the arse off someone doesn’t mean he has to be a twat. It may have worked out that way in the past, but you just haven’t met the right one yet.

It’s not fair on him or you to settle if he doesn’t make you feel lucky every day to have found him.

EarthSight · 05/01/2022 17:33

I think a lot of people do, but whether that's the right thing to do is another matter.

Be careful of overcorrecting - that you're used to being with a certain type of man and therefore someone who seems the opposite must be the answer.

Men who want an emotionally intimate relationship with a woman and who isn't in it for sex, will want to be thought of as more than the next father figure for her child, no matter how nice he is.

Furthermore, you might envision a nice life with him, but a relationship with the wrong person can be empty, drab, boring, depressing and just joyless. Outings with them will feel fake or artificial.

EarthSight · 05/01/2022 17:34

who isn't in it just for sex*

Original poster
TinaTurning · 05/01/2022 17:42

He told me his ex had an affair and checked out of the marriage so I suspect she may have felt the same as I do. He is a very nice guy, definitely a safe option but I do agree I shouldn't settle.

OP posts:
pixie5121 · 05/01/2022 20:52

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 05/01/2022 20:57

I didn't but sometimes wish I had. I had a proposal from a lovely, lovely chap who was so kind, generous and funny. Decided to stay with DH (then DP) who I Definately had more chemistry with, but is hard work.

bowlingalleyblues · 05/01/2022 20:58

I think you have to enjoy the physical side (with no ick) and feel that you can be yourself and have lots in common.

gelatodipistacchio · 05/01/2022 21:01

Long ago I settled for someone who did not give me butterflies but who i believed to be a safe option. That relationship became very toxic and he actually turned out to be extremely mean and critical towards me.

BlueBlazerBlack123 · 05/01/2022 21:02

I tried. Couldn't even do it for a year. I'm now on my own again and still wonder if I should just go and be with him but I know in the long run it will be wrong for me and terribly unfair on him.

dudsville · 05/01/2022 21:03

"Settle"? No. But I did set out to find my best friend, my soul mate. When our friends met they literally laughed at learning there were "two of them" and "made for each other". We don't ignite one another. We are endlessly happy. We didn't settle. We aimed high!

SlidingInto2022sDMs · 05/01/2022 21:11

He sounds like a decent man - you don't get that often. But if you see it as settling, then he's not the man for you. Nothing wrong with either of you and what you want or who you are. You just have to find the person you're compatible with.

itwasntaparty · 05/01/2022 21:13

Yep I did and I'm now looking for divorce

Dancingonmoonlight · 05/01/2022 21:16

but a relationship with the wrong person can be empty, drab, boring, depressing and just joyless. Outings with them will feel fake or artificial

This. You will end up resenting him and every little thing he does. What feels solid now will become dull and boring in time.
A lot of people settle. Following a relationship where I was treated badly and there was nothing but drama, I settled for Mr Dependable. It is utterly joyless.

Suzi888 · 05/01/2022 21:17

phwoar….not sure that lasts forever? Not that you should settle.

BigFatLiar · 05/01/2022 21:17

Do you know why he doesn't ignite the passion?

Pinkbonbon · 05/01/2022 21:17

If you don't fancy someone, don't date them.

How dare you 'settle' for someone anyway? What have they done to you that you would rob them of their chance to find someone who adores them?

You would not only be robbing yourself of a chance to find love, but them too. And its selfish.

Chattercino · 05/01/2022 21:21

I guess I did. Never felt the passion but certainly love him.

The flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long...

AuntieJoyce · 05/01/2022 21:23

@Pinkbonbon

If you don't fancy someone, don't date them.

How dare you 'settle' for someone anyway? What have they done to you that you would rob them of their chance to find someone who adores them?

You would not only be robbing yourself of a chance to find love, but them too. And its selfish.

Don’t really agree with this. Unless you are both equally as keen on each other, one half of a partnership is always ’settling’ to some degree.

OP I think it comes down to the degree of settling you would be doing. I’ve been effectively settling after a turbulent marriage and my new partner has been growing on me a lot over time from a slow start.

Craftycorvid · 05/01/2022 21:26

If you have learned over time to associate excitement and passion with danger (as in an abusive relationship) it might feel strange and empty to be with someone decent and caring. It might be that this relationship is ultimately not right for you, but it could also be that you are still adjusting to safety.

Lindy2 · 05/01/2022 21:35

There has to be some kind of attraction to make it work.

However, attraction might not happen straight away. It can develop over time as you get to know someone. When you start to care about someone and look forward to their company, attraction can develop, even if it wasn't there instantly.

How long have you known him? Do you have mutual interests and enjoy each other's company? Is there the potential for feelings to develop or do you feel there's nothing much to build upon.

Sonaftersonafterson · 05/01/2022 21:59

So many people divorce, cheat, or live a pretty miserable existence because they are stuck in a marriage where there is no spark, just a good friendship. It happens over time but to start out from this point?? No way.

sheroku · 05/01/2022 22:09

I think it's important for you to understand why you don't feel the spark. Is it because you don't find him attractive? Or you find him a bit boring? If so then maybe he's not the right guy for you.

However, if you've been in a very turbulent relationship then it could be that you've become conditioned to find "safe" relationships a bit meh. If that's the case then you need to focus on fixing that as that's not going to help you long term.

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