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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

3rd marriage on the rocks?

49 replies

MysticHare · 05/01/2022 11:39

Hi everyone - I really need some advice regarding my marriage. We're in our mid 50s and have both been married before - we've been together over six years now and love each other very much. We recently moved to a lovely house and are happy in our new location. There is so much that is good about our relationship. However...

The problems I have is that he is a very critical person and at times really nit picks over things which chips away at my confidence. I wish I stood up to him more but I hate confrontation. When he's in a surly mood, it can lead to awful arguments where he says really nasty things. Later on we hug and make up but I can't stop feeling angry. He often puts me down often starting a sentence in the negative like "did you not see the...", "do you not realise that..." like I'm an idiot.

The other big issue I have is that he is very untidy. It might not sound like much but his stuff is left all over the house and it really, really makes me stressed and unhappy and I feel that having poured my life savings in to the house he should respect my wishes as I try to respect his.

I cry a lot in private because I just don't know how to resolve it. I really don't want to tear my life apart again with divorce but I'm not sure how to tolerate this. The idea of telling my family and our kids (we have four daughters between us - my two are grown up, his live with their mother) that I am divorcing again is horrendous - besides all of this, I love him. It would be different if I didn't.

Yes, we've talked, many times over the years, and when I talk to him and he's rational, things improve for a while but quickly slip back again. He will tidy up but I will have to keep asking him and sometimes he gets nasty. In a row the other day, he said that he was losing his identity, partly through work and me also - his reason for being messy was to put his identity on the place. Reason being that I own the majority of the house and have lots of my furniture in it. He has very little in comparison because he was in a highly abusive relationship before me (she towards him) and lost everything.

I just don't know how to get through to him. When I have talked about separating, he thinks I don't mean it. But I'm beginning to.

Has anyone got any advice on how to deal with him? Should I just walk into another room when he puts me down? Or do I walk away for good?

OP posts:
Gargellen · 05/01/2022 11:43

Walk away for good.

girlmom21 · 05/01/2022 11:44

You shouldn't just put up with constantly being insulted or offended.

Wanting to put his mark on the place is ridiculous. If he wants to do that he can choose a new front door or carve his initials into a tree in the garden. He can't act like a child leaving his pants on the floor. It's disrespectful.

Solasum · 05/01/2022 11:56

He sounds horrible OP. Are you sure of the reasons why his former relationship ended?

You only get one life. Your family would probably be relieved.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 05/01/2022 11:58

Yes you need to walk away
Or in fact he does since you own most of the house - shame you married him. Don't marry again, it's often financially disastrous

Motnight · 05/01/2022 12:02

He is untidy in order to leave his mark on the house? Has he not considered putting up some pictures or something?!

GiantHaystacks2021 · 05/01/2022 12:06

Get a divorce.
Life is too short to be shacked up with a wanker like him.

trumpisagit · 05/01/2022 12:22

I think you need to explain the untidiness.
I would find it upsetting if I was never allowed to put anything down in my house and my home was not my own.
However I always clear up after myself and would never leave my pants on the floor!
What sort of untidy is he and do you have different ideas about tidiness where you can compromise?

Original poster
MysticHare · 05/01/2022 13:02

@trumpisagit

I think you need to explain the untidiness. I would find it upsetting if I was never allowed to put anything down in my house and my home was not my own. However I always clear up after myself and would never leave my pants on the floor! What sort of untidy is he and do you have different ideas about tidiness where you can compromise?
Thank you - the house is jointly owned but I have the majority of equity. He often orders parcels from Amazon etc and then leaves the packaging/contents on the side. There are still boxes in one of the rooms which he hasn't dealt since the move 10 months ago as he needs to sort out his study first, which never seems to happen. I pile up the bits he leaves lying around - cables, plugs, all sorts of things in one place and ask him to sort it - but it doesn't happen often. At present there is a model making kit all over the dining room table which he seems to have finished with but it will stay there until I say something. He's promised in the past to be tidier but just can't seem to do it - I think it is psychological.
OP posts:
Original poster
MysticHare · 05/01/2022 13:04

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Yes you need to walk away Or in fact he does since you own most of the house - shame you married him. Don't marry again, it's often financially disastrous
Well I can't really afford to buy him out - that's the issue
OP posts:
GiantHaystacks2021 · 05/01/2022 13:05

Hs untidiness is not psychological - it's controlling and abusive.

Original poster
MysticHare · 05/01/2022 13:07

@Solasum

He sounds horrible OP. Are you sure of the reasons why his former relationship ended?

You only get one life. Your family would probably be relieved.

Yes, I'm certain she was the abuser - I read all her awful emails to him where she was blackmailing/abusing him - she's even stalked me. She was violent and extremely abusive and there is no doubt he's had some form of PTSD after the relationship. For all his faults, this I know to be true. It does still affect our relationship from time to time.
OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 05/01/2022 13:14

Do you have a spare room? Chuck everything in there and close the door. I am (reasonably neat), my DP isn't but it's confined to his work space, workshop and the attic, none of which I go unless absolutely necessary.

I wish I stood up to him more but I hate confrontation. When he's in a surly mood, it can lead to awful arguments

If you're having arguments you must be standing up to him in some respect (it takes two to argue!). If his 'nit picking' is his style of communication then tell him, calmly and quietly, that you won't be spoken to in that way. Then walk away.

Would you consider having counselling or would he have therapy on his own?

NewYearNewMinty · 05/01/2022 13:21

I wonder if having been attending receiving end of an abusive relationship before he is so determined not to be vulnerable again that he is going the other way and it's turning him, maybe unconsciously to some degree, into a controlling bully.

Has he had any therapy since his marriage broke down.

I'm not making excuses for him at all but I suspect something similar was the crux of my own marriage breaking down. My XH refused to acknowledge it or get help so I divorced him, eventually as it was beginning to affect our child.

The bottom line was that regardless of what might have caused his behaviour, he wasn't willing to change and I wasn't willing to live with it.

Original poster
MysticHare · 05/01/2022 13:27

@Sarahlou63

Do you have a spare room? Chuck everything in there and close the door. I am (reasonably neat), my DP isn't but it's confined to his work space, workshop and the attic, none of which I go unless absolutely necessary.

I wish I stood up to him more but I hate confrontation. When he's in a surly mood, it can lead to awful arguments

If you're having arguments you must be standing up to him in some respect (it takes two to argue!). If his 'nit picking' is his style of communication then tell him, calmly and quietly, that you won't be spoken to in that way. Then walk away.

Would you consider having counselling or would he have therapy on his own?

Thank you for this - yes I don't go in the garage or his study either - he can mess that up as much as he likes. There is a room where I could bung it all.

Yes, my problem is that I let things go and then suddenly explode - not good. I have told him many, many times I won't be spoken to like that - but I think I probably need to walk away every time he does it - it's hard to have the presence of mind sometimes because the nit picks can be very subtle. I'm just completely over sensitive now.

He did get counselling for the past relationship but didn't feel it helped as they only wanted him to talk about his parents and not the rel in question. I have considered talking to Relate on my own - I need to know how to handle things better as there must be a way to stop this nonsense.

OP posts:
Original poster
MysticHare · 05/01/2022 13:33

@NewYearNewMinty

I wonder if having been attending receiving end of an abusive relationship before he is so determined not to be vulnerable again that he is going the other way and it's turning him, maybe unconsciously to some degree, into a controlling bully.

Has he had any therapy since his marriage broke down.

I'm not making excuses for him at all but I suspect something similar was the crux of my own marriage breaking down. My XH refused to acknowledge it or get help so I divorced him, eventually as it was beginning to affect our child.

The bottom line was that regardless of what might have caused his behaviour, he wasn't willing to change and I wasn't willing to live with it.

@NewYearNewMinty you are 100% correct - you hit the nail on the head.

He had some counselling but didn't feel that it was what he was looking for. He wanted to tell someone what happened to him as he couldn't tell me some of the darker stuff however, the counsellor wouldn't let him focus on it so he felt more frustrated.

I don't want to end up like you though - they thought of leaving everything, the marriage, the house is beyond heartbreaking.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 05/01/2022 13:36

Can he find a counsellor that will let him talk about what he needs to talk about?

Gargellen · 05/01/2022 13:43

If you can't afford to buy him out, let that idea go. Separate and get a smaller place that is all yours.

You say she was the abuser and that he had PTSD etc. but what made her abusive? Is there a possibility that he drove her to distraction with his behaviour? She must have been OK at the beginning or he wouldn't have had a relationship with her. Is there a chance that he did to her what he is doing to you and you are just getting his version? I bet if you could speak to her, you would see another side.

girlmom21 · 05/01/2022 13:44

@Gargellen

If you can't afford to buy him out, let that idea go. Separate and get a smaller place that is all yours.

You say she was the abuser and that he had PTSD etc. but what made her abusive? Is there a possibility that he drove her to distraction with his behaviour? She must have been OK at the beginning or he wouldn't have had a relationship with her. Is there a chance that he did to her what he is doing to you and you are just getting his version? I bet if you could speak to her, you would see another side.

Oh ffs. Parts of the abuse are so dark he can't tell OP. Don't victim blame.
Original poster
MysticHare · 05/01/2022 13:53

@girlmom21

Can he find a counsellor that will let him talk about what he needs to talk about?
@girlmom21 that is certainly something I will suggest to him.
OP posts:
Original poster
MysticHare · 05/01/2022 13:55

@Gargellen

If you can't afford to buy him out, let that idea go. Separate and get a smaller place that is all yours.

You say she was the abuser and that he had PTSD etc. but what made her abusive? Is there a possibility that he drove her to distraction with his behaviour? She must have been OK at the beginning or he wouldn't have had a relationship with her. Is there a chance that he did to her what he is doing to you and you are just getting his version? I bet if you could speak to her, you would see another side.

@Gargellen I can see why you might think this. Whilst I imagine he displayed some of the characteristics he does with me, without going into detail she is a classic narcissist and I know the abuse was very real and very bad. I've seen her words and her actions to back this up.
OP posts:
Original poster
MysticHare · 05/01/2022 13:58

@Solasum

He sounds horrible OP. Are you sure of the reasons why his former relationship ended?

You only get one life. Your family would probably be relieved.

@Solasum he isn't "horrible" only a minority of the time - what I am presenting is the bits I find hard to deal with. I absolutely know why the former relationship ended.

I think our kids would be very upset - not relieved.

OP posts:
OnlyAFleshWound · 05/01/2022 13:59

Why did your first two marriages end?

Do you find the idea of being single very upsetting or scary?

thetinsoldier · 05/01/2022 14:00

I wonder why he's been divorced before... are you sure it was his partner who was abusive???

I'd get rid. This is who he is. He's telling you clearly.

Don't waste any more time with him.

Original poster
MysticHare · 05/01/2022 14:03

@OnlyAFleshWound

Why did your first two marriages end?

Do you find the idea of being single very upsetting or scary?

I left both of them. First H was self pitying and utterly selfish. Second H was also selfish and verbally abusive. I fell massively out of love with both of them

I don't mind being single - I just don't want to throw this marriage away as I did previously, because, for all his faults, when we're great, we're fantastic. I love him dearly.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 05/01/2022 14:03

So new year new start.

Tell him that enough us enough.
But compromise.
So he gets a room to have all his stuff in.
Dump his mess in there. He can sort at leisure or not but it's his space.

And stand up for yourself. If he starts putting you down point out that you can't be that much of a failure as you did put in most of the equity of the house etc.

Point out your positives rather than trying to defend his negatives of you.

This marriage needs to work for both of you.

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