How do cheaters really feel

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Have you cheated?

Im sure this thread has been created many times in the past but I'm going through hard times at the moment and finding it really hard dealing with someone I loved cheating on me and my family.

They say they felt guilty, they say it was a mistake but the way I see it is so black and white. They didn't feel guilty enough to stop it and its only a mistake now its all out in the open.

If you cheated on someone you loved or you are cheating on someone at the moment, how did it or how does it make you feel?

Please tell me the emotions, the guilt if any and how you could cross those lines knowing that people are going to get hurt. How can something that will hurt so many people make you feel so good.

And finally. When the secret came out was you relived? Did you feel remorse and see it as a real mistake? Did you carry on thinking about the affair partner and what you had and what you have lost. Did you love the person you was cheating? Did the affair end your relationship and did you have the urge to contact the AP again?

I know this will be a sensitive subject with many but I really want to see what it feels like to be on the other side of the fence.

Thank you

Um, well, I've been open in here that I had an affair, but I can't speak for all Cheaters. Some cheated because they were in unhappy relationships but not brave enough to end, or didn't want to beak up the family. Some just met someone who they fell for, some just like shagging about and the thrill of a new person.

I didn't really feel any guilt, I did sometimes feel guilty I was spending time away from my children. I was angry with my husband, and didn't think about him in regards to gult, or much at all.

You don't expect to get caught, I was very careful, and couldn't have predicted the way it happened (I could have talked my way out of it probably, lied to cover up, I chose not to).

I felt.. Relief. I'd already decided to leave the marriage, and not for the AP, but because I knew that to survive my marriage I'd have to cheat, and it's bloody hard living like that.

Yes, I loved my AP, and yes I did continue contact. I think many people who get caught and stay in their marriage resume contact anyway. I was single then though. But if I hadn't seen him again, I would have still left the marriage.

It wasn't the ideal way to leave a marriage, I do regret hurting my ex, he didn't deserve that, but it gave me a way out.

@WanderingLost167

Thank you for being honest about your feelings and what you went through.

It sounds to me like you wanted to leave your marriage when in the affair and after this had been exposed. Should you have wanted to stay in the marriage and had still loved your husband, may be the remorse and guilt may have been stronger. But as you say, it looks like the affair gave you a way out of something you didn't want to save anyway.

I hope life is good for you now.

Thanks again

I have known a few friends of friends who have done this. I think you are entirely right. I don't think they care at the time at all. It's a thrill and they get away with it. The only time they are forced to have any 'bad' feelings about it is when they get caught and suddenly it's horrendous and they feel awful but I've always interpreted that 'awful' as 'awful I got caught' rather than awful for doing this to you.

One person I knew actually said (and I'm sure believed) their marriage was better off for their cheating as it meant they got on better with their husband at home. I still find that a jaw dropping statement today. It's incredibly selfish and self serving.

I hope you are ok and not suffering too badly.

Name changed for this but honestly? I didn't feel guilty, I had long checked out of my marriage and my DH was pretty complacent, assuming I'd always be there and he didn't need to make an effort - not an excuse, just the facts. There were a lot of factors surrounding my affair, it's NOT always as black and white as people like to make out but I can't say too much as it would be identifying.

It doesn't feel great to say that I didn't feel guilty - it's something you're not meant to admit, but it's the truth. I enjoyed the affair, it was thrilling, exciting, I felt desired for the first time in years, someone actually made me feel beautiful - and it was more than just sex, though again, I know a lot of people like to make out it's just sex. It was a full blown emotional affair.

Yes, it was a relief when it finally came out and I regret that people got hurt. The affair was the end of my marriage - my choice.

I have not cheated but I know several who have done . Their feelings ? They deserve it . They got addicted to it . They like the "rush". They lost their way . They lied about the extent of it . They compartmentalise . It does intrude into their home life . They thought it was going to be a short thing . They felt wanted . They think " what about my happiness ? first and foremost . When found out - they begged to stay . They continued to see AP behind wife's back . They tried to pay off the AP. They tried to do better . They were afraid of people finding out and blamed it on their wife. It's a whole shit show really .

Yes I'm a Cheater. I fell for my OM when he contacted me on Facebook after having known him many years before. I'd been married for 23 years and both of us were fairly well checked out of the marriage at that stage. Husband had been unfaithful twice for long periods but I'd taken him back because I wanted the children to have a stable life.

By the time "R" got in contact I was at the exact right time for an affair. We had a very intense emotional affair online for about a year , and I have to say that it was the most exciting thing I'd ever done. Just seeing his name pop up on my Messenger was the thing I yearned for every day. We both felt the same way and we decided to leave our respective spouses without ever actually being together. Neither my husband nor my son who was still at home, had any inkling since I did shift work and could hide my activities. I never felt any guilt or remorse at all . I think that my husband's previous infidelities made me feel like I was "entitled" to do what I was doing.

I finally told my husband - he was shocked and thought I was having a mid life crisis, but I wasn't. And I wasn't particularly remorseful about hurting him at that point. I was worried about my children but they were actually OK about it, if a bit bemused by Mum leaving Dad for a guy she met online .

I left about a month later, flew to my OM home and we've never been apart from that day. We've been together for 18 years and just had our 14th wedding anniversary today. I've never been happier.

My ex husband moved on and has a long-term partner , we see each other at Christmas and the kids's birthdays, it's always quite cordial . He gets along fine with my DH - they support the same football team which is a good bond !

DH and I don't tell people how our relationship started - we're grandparents now and people think we've been together forever. All the dramas of the past are long forgotten.

I'm probably not a "typical cheater" but there you go, we're all different.

I think there's a lot of very "happy" marriages that only survive because someone is cheating

I haven't cheated but I think it's often fairly straightforward: the ability to compartmentalise means that cheaters don't feel guilt or remorse while the affair is being conducted.

I read an account once by a cheater who regretted cheating on his wife because it had ended his marriage. But he made the point that for a very long period of time during the affair he was wrapped up in his bubble with his AP and thoughts of his wife never entered his head. As time went on, there was a moment when he was with his AP and she did or said something that reminded him of his wife. That was the start of the end of the affair - because the compartmentalisation had started to fail.

Man here. I left my first wife due to an emotional affair. I wasn’t caught, I declared it. I feel worse about it now than I did then (mixture of shame and guilt and disgust with my younger self) and I did feel guilty then although there was excitement and it boosted my piss poor self esteem in a marriage that never began in love but more in mutual loneliness fear. We ended up together which was so hard as we went from emotional affair to new household without anything in between. Stupid. I also kissed a friend when very drunk In my current (ending) marriage that came from the affair. I don’t know what I felt then I can’t remember it and couldn’t next day but I felt remorse guilt and pathetic that I’d done that once again instead of front up to problems in the marriage. Oh and I never saw the friend or our mutual friends again so I got what I deserved there as well

So in my experience nothing good came from it, everyone got hurt and I would never do it again.

I’m surprised at the responses here re: guilt.

I’ve cheated on a serious boyfriend rather than a husband in the past. Probably a whole host of mixed up reasons why. I felt. INCREDIBLY horribly guilty about it. Crushingly so. And not because I was found out. He never ever found out. I ended the relationship with him because he was a really good man I couldn’t say a bad word about, and he didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I couldn’t tell him about the affair I had for a number of reasons and I couldn’t live with the guilt of lying to him.

I have name changed for this because it is so shameful.

I was married to a man in my twenties for 5 years. We had no children.

He worked a handful of hours a week in a menial job that he'd had since he was a teenager. He liked the job because he could take a lot of (unpaid) leave.
He contributed around £9,000 per year to the household. I contributed the other £40,000.
He didn't drive.
He had an expensive and consuming hobby that took him abroad for around 15 weeks a year.
His mum would pop round with new clothes and underwear and "treats" like chocolate for him.
He collected comic books and memorabilia for his favourite sport. They filled our house and cost several thousands of pounds per year.
I worked 50 hours per week in a job that I had to commute a long way to. I did all of the cooking and cleaning and it filled me with hatred.

I grew to resent him more deeply than I ever resented anyone and I began cheating. I had casual sex with around 20 men over 2 years. I did it in our marital bed over and over again. I would answer personals online - particularly for men that would do all the things sexually that my ex husband would not.

I felt absolutely no guilt and to be honest I still don't - all I feel is shame. When it was happening, I don't think I felt anything at all.

Once I went out clubbing with my friends and, on my walk home a man accosted me for sex. I did it there and then at the side of the road and then I went home and got into bed next to my "husband".

I think it was like some kind of a sickness or self harm and I saw a counsellor for it during our divorce. I'd never cheated on anyone before him or since.

I've been happily married now with a family for years and the thought of cheating on them turns my stomach. Even when my DH and I are going through our roughest patches, it doesn't cross my mind.

When I asked my ex husband to move out, I think I hated him. I remember watching him wheel (MY) suitcase up the driveway of our home and walk off and as he went I just thought he looked so pathetic and disgusting.

I spent years hating myself for all of this but I don't anymore.

Cheaters can cheat for a variety of reasons and feel no remorse whatsoever.

I cheated on a long term partner. Not married/no DC but we were together a long time. I did feel guilt. Even more so now looking back on it years later and married to someone else. He was a really nice guy and he didn't deserve it. I was cowardly and should have ended the relationship before it got to that point but I was afraid to. We were living abroad for his work and it made things tricky.

I also felt a sense of relief when I was found out. I found the deception incredibly stressful but was too selfish to stop seeing the OM as I really really liked him. I suppose I wanted an out but even that didn't work. My partner wanted to stay together and was willing to get past it. I plodded along with that for a month or two but then I ended things properly and moved back home. He was very hurt for a long time and I regret it immensely. I feel particularly bad as he probably thinks the whole relationship was a fraud and most likely thinks I cheated before then which I hadn't. It made a mockery of a decade long relationship and I wish I never did it.

I was totally faithful to my exdh. For over 15 years. He betrayed me. I had no choice but to stay married...too much disruption for too many people I care about. I stayed but I had an affair, two in fact. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to stay in the marriage at all.

How did I feel? Anxious. But anxious is better than numb.

It is exciting and fun. A world away from the monotony of 'real life'.
I think it is partly a midlife crisis. It makes me feel young and desired. And like I am actually living. It's a thrill.
Getting older and wasting even more of my youth having unsatisfactory sex with DP is just something I can't do.

It is also revenge for DP cheating on me. I resented him for years over it. He hurt me so badly, ruined my confidence. But this is helping.

My exh tried to make me feel sorry for him when he had a threesome with two prostitutes. He blamed it on my mental health issues regarding being obsessed with wanting a second child.
Since we split I have had a lot of one night or casuals flings and every one were all cheats. They were all sleeping with multiple women or cheating on their partners. When I asked the guy I had been having sex with for two years(believing he was single) why he did it he said he didnt see he was doing anything wrong as the two things were completely seperate. He had multiple women he had sex with but went home to his gf(obviously not caring about giving her std's.)
I have some mutual aqquaintances on instagram, five or six whom I know for a fact are cheating on their wives/partners constantly.
Its made me happy to be single.

I had an affair once. He was married. I was married. But not to each other. I felt fine. I didn't think it was anyone's business but my own, and his.

I don't do it now. Affairs disrupt lives, cause upset that can easily be avoided just by not doing it. Not that he and I caused any upset, we kept it to ourselves. But in many cases, disruption is caused. So, no.

I can't speak directly from experience but my best friend cheated on her husband and we've had quite a few heart to hearts about it.

She said it was too easy to compartmentalise what was going on. Yes she had a husband but she said that she could easily switch off the 'married stuff' when with her AP.
AP made her feel all excited again and since she had no intention of actually leaving her husband, she likened it to buying a great big bag of sweets just for her and sitting in the shed or the car to eat them and not telling her DH.

After it all came out the gravity of what she did hit her harder than she expected. Once she saw the pain that her DH was going through and the devastation that radiated out from her cheating and lying she realised that her little secret was much more.

I think often the version of what's happening in your mind and reality are very different and both parties grieve when things come to light (providing the cheater actually cares about the person they have cheated on).

All I can say is that when I did it (I was in a relationship in my early twenties and it was during this time so I was very young) I think it's because something was seriously lacking in my relationship and I wanted out.
The guy I was with was a good guy and was really besotted with me but I just didn't feel the same. I was worried about what he'd do and what everyone would think if I ended it though and we just drifted along.
I realise now looking back that I was very passive and just let things happen to me rather than taking control - I should never have been in a relationship in the first place as I never really fancied him that much but he was such a nice guy and pursued me that it became hard to say no. So when someone came along who I found physically attractive and exciting it fulfilled that part of me that needed that sex/attraction side of things.

The fallout from it was horrible though, I felt like the worst person in the world and terribly guilty about how I'd hurt him. It's still the worst thing I've ever done in my life and if anyone ever cheated on me it'd be game over becuase I honestly don't believe you can truly love and respect someone and be shagging someone else. I also think I was very immature and quite selfish at the time.
People fall out of love and split up and that doesn't make you a bad person but cheating takes quite a high level of deceit and you are constantly having to lie - I used to feel really anxious all the time and on high alert at getting caught out (it went on for about 6 months) - not that I think everyone feels like this - I think some people get off on the excitement. I felt awful when it all came out but part of me was also relieved as it meant the relationship was over (I didn't go on to have a relationship with the affair partner as I knew he wasn't right for me either).
So personally I couldn't stay with someone who did that to me because IMO they don't really love and respect you - they're just staying out of familiarity or not wanting to hurt you or because you are of some benefit to them (ie men may not want to lose the person who cooks for them and looks after the kids, women often don't want to leave for financial reasons or people often stay because they don't want friends and family to look badly on them and lose their reputation as a nice person).
I don't believe you can really be IN LOVE with someone you're cheating on iykwim.

I've been with my dh for over 20 years and I will never cheat on him or even entertain the idea because I love him so much that the thought of it makes me feel ill - I have no interest in other men.

Cheating is so wrong and there is no excuse for it but all I can say is that I learnt a lot from it and still feel very sorry - even though it was eons ago! - about how I must have made my ex feel.

Can I just ask those who did cheat kid any of your spouses/partners had suspicions did you try to convince them you weren’t, or did you come clean?

I’m just asking s my ex cheated on me, but I had my suspicions for months and when I voiced them, I was told I was irrational, my behaviour was disgusting blah blah blah.

Can I just ask those who did cheat kid any of your spouses/partners had suspicions did you try to convince them you weren’t, or did you come clean?

For me yes, my dp at the time had suspicions but I lied and wangled my way out of it. I basically just wasn't brave enough to come clean because I knew how upset he'd be (obvs silly considering how much my cheating on him must've hurt) but also because I was embarrassed at it coming out and what everyone would think of me.
It was only when I just didn't have the energy to lie any more and I started to be physically unable to have sex with him any more (I guess you'd say I had the ick) that I admitted it and dealt with the consequences as I felt that would be better than continuing in a completely one-sided relationship (by that I mean he loved me but I didn't love him).
Every situations different though. I think generally (and I am generalising here) for women the affair is quite often a means to an end. They do it becuase they either subconsciously or consciously want to end their relationship/marriage but are too chicken to go about it for whatever reason - could be fear/feeling stuck financially/ whatever or as many have said here, for revenge for their dh's infidelity. whereas I feel the majority of men usually want to have their cake and eat it so to speak. They want the excitement and ego boost of the affair but they also don't want to end their marriage bc they know it is beneficial for them to stay in it.
That's my experience from over the years of hearing many peoples stories - there hasn't been one woman here so far I think who has said they just wanted the ego boost of sex but also still wanted to stay with their dh. I think for women there are nearly always much stronger reasons than just wanting exciting sex.

Mixed bag on this thread!

I'm a cheater and I feel horrendously guilty. I feel like a second class citizen, dregs of society, a selfish horrible bitch that doesn't deserve anything good in life and yet I cannot stop.

The OM is a friend who I've known for almost 20 years, we've always had a very close connection and it just developed and it was me not him that initiated it. I hadn't cheated on my DH before or even contemplated it before. Its been going on and off for 2 years and its ended again because I cannot leave my DH and DC. I know why it happened now although I couldn't figure it out at the time, my DH has never really desired me (as I want) or had the sexual drive that I have, wasn't bothered about sex or I felt I pushed away, obviously this is no reason to cheat I know that, but was probably going on a a few years which lead to me to seek attention elsewhere. The problem was and is me and OM do love each other a lot, the connection is undeniable and we are similar. Its agonising and quite horrible and tiring.

A pp mentioned that some don't leave because they don't want their friends to know what abhorrent selfish bitch they are, well this is correct! I cannot leave because I do love my DH (maybe not in love like others have said), I would worry for him (how noble of me), my family and friends would think so little of me and I would be choosing my own selfishness over my beautiful children's happiness and they don't deserve it.

I also know that I will be in love with this man forever and will always wonder what if. I'm hoping time is healer and that we can both move on and be happy. I also know that the guilt will get worse once its all died down which I'll take because I deserve it.

I had an affair. I met someone at work who I felt a connection with and we started messaging and going out as friends and it progressed from there. I get on well with my husband but we had the mundanity of little kids and a lack of passion. This man really fancied me and made me feel so good. We fell in love and had an amazing sexual compatability. You get addicted and have to see them, but do feel guilty about lying. I felt unhappy with my relationship but trapped. I did compartmentalise, told myself that I deserved good sex etc and this was how to keep the family together. I was angry and resentful with my husband for not being everything I needed, and started to question our whole relationship. I imagine every scenario is slightly different but there will be common themes.

I didn't think I'd get caught and I also think I thought we'd maybe get together properly (although in reality I think it was always just a fantasy). I was relieved to get caught initially as the lying is stressful and the affair was accelerating. I felt like I couldn't breathe when I thought about not seeing AP again. We stayed in contact for a long time and did spend time together. We're no contact now, and I know he's not right for me, but I still love him and think about him a lot. I am getting closer to my husband again now and hoping to get back on track.

Sonafterson
BootySOS

I could have written your posts. I could not physically get past my h's infidelities. I also was not in the situation to leave without struggling financially. Earn too much to receive benefits but not enough to be comfortable. In my eyes, my affair put me and h on an even keel. I was no longer the victim, the one to be pitied, the one who felt ugly. I ensured I told h. I wanted him to hurt as I had done.

I would never have thought myself capable but here we are............

@Californiansunsets

Can I just ask those who did cheat kid any of your spouses/partners had suspicions did you try to convince them you weren’t, or did you come clean?

I’m just asking s my ex cheated on me, but I had my suspicions for months and when I voiced them, I was told I was irrational, my behaviour was disgusting blah blah blah.

My ex h denied it and lied about it . I gave him the opportunity . This was the thing that set Dr Foster on fire ( TV programme) that he stood there and lied to her in her own kitchen.

I had a full-blown emotional affair when I was working in a different city from my husband. I felt no guilt whatsoever, in part because he was doing exactly the same thing, but also because he just didn't cross my mind. I felt exhilarated and alive and thought I was finally, after many many years, being seen again. Visible again, appreciated, at a time when DH was being extremely self-centred and indifferent. It had to come to an end when my job did and I left that city (at almost exactly the moment my AP's wife arrived there), and it took me years to get over him. I'm still married, things are better now, but it did leave a mark, not at all a negative one - it restored a little bit of self-worth and helped me build on it afterwards, on my own.