How do cheaters really feel

[highdef202]

Have you cheated?

Im sure this thread has been created many times in the past but I'm going through hard times at the moment and finding it really hard dealing with someone I loved cheating on me and my family.

They say they felt guilty, they say it was a mistake but the way I see it is so black and white. They didn't feel guilty enough to stop it and its only a mistake now its all out in the open.

If you cheated on someone you loved or you are cheating on someone at the moment, how did it or how does it make you feel?

Please tell me the emotions, the guilt if any and how you could cross those lines knowing that people are going to get hurt. How can something that will hurt so many people make you feel so good.

And finally. When the secret came out was you relived? Did you feel remorse and see it as a real mistake? Did you carry on thinking about the affair partner and what you had and what you have lost. Did you love the person you was cheating? Did the affair end your relationship and did you have the urge to contact the AP again?

I know this will be a sensitive subject with many but I really want to see what it feels like to be on the other side of the fence.

Thank you

I’m long term married. Never cheated in any of my relationships (including this one.) I have suspicions that DH cheated a few years ago but he’s always denied it, I could be wrong. Our marriage is dead, passionless, I don’t feel desired, we rarely have sex, we are worlds apart. If the opportunity came up to have an affair, then I very much think I’d be willing to do this, yes I could leave him but when you spend years investing in your marriage, building a home, raising children together, it is very difficult, almost unbearable to think about leaving. The urge to want to be desired again is there almost everyday.

I cheated and didn’t feel guilty at all. I’ve also been cheated on and I don’t think they felt guilty either.

You might find John gottomans work interesting. He’s an expert on infidelity and says that resentment (real or imagined) is the real cause of cheating along with particular character traits in the cheater, basically people who feel they can do better and who keep score.

I think it’s also worth noting that many cheaters don’t actually want forgiving. They use the affair as an out.

I'm single, and if I was to partake in an affair as I have in the past, (I was the single part of the affair) it was they were mainly happy but the affection was lacking in their relationship, and as we connected quite well, it started with conversations the usual what ifs, or your past activities , your views and from their the other person was confident to offer the option of an affair.

I think OP you are trying to understand the mind of someone who's had an affair in a marriage or LTR and - whether there is remorse, regret, guilt or shame? I think the truth is there is all these things but - as exemplified by testaments on this thread - most focus on the act of infidelity- the betrayal - and the reasons that explain how they allowed it to happen.
What they usually don't see is the enormity of the impact of the hurt, damage and brutality their betrayal causes in their partner. Because it isn't just about giving in to temptation- it's the lies, deceit, psychological cruelty and earth shaking collapse of trust for the betrayed partner that makes it so harmful.
I think affairs usually take place in a fantasy world, where there are no partners, children, responsibilities and daily grind. It's more akin to teenage love - which is no less intense for that, just not very mature. Sooner or later it becomes harder to keep these worlds apart, and this doesn't happen at the same time for each partner and arguments begin. Affairs usually last around one to two years and may be the catalyst to changes in real life, or the cheater repeats the process.
Cheaters are often left with a memory of a fantasy world where things were wonderful but not real - and their guilt is tethered by the thrill of the experience. About 50% of affairs lead to divorce in the primary relationship. Only about 5% of affairs end up in a lasting new relationship with the affair partner.
Betrayed partners are invariably left with wounds that take years to heal, and change the dynamic of every future relationship.

I had an affair, I'm still with him now. My marriage was abusive, i had no self worth. I was either ignored (once for three months) or raped. I met the OM through a two year course, the moment I met him I had a really strange feeling - he made me feel safe. It wasn't sexual but I had a strong pull towards him. I didn't know then that he felt the same. We started meeting for coffee to discuss course work and I slowly started to have feelings for him over the two year course. At the end of the course we couldn't bear the thought of not seeing one another. He disclosed to me that his relationship was also abusive which is why I think we had the connection. She was physically abusive towards him, he never fought back but it destroyed him emotionally. I never thought I would cheat, but I did. I never felt guilt because it felt so natural. I found the courage to leave my marriage within weeks of the affair due to my increased confidence and self belief. We are still together after three years. I have no regrets.

I cheated on a long term boyfriend when I was about 20/21. My boyfriend was really quite horrible but I still felt absolutely wretched about it. I didn't tell him (it was a one-night stand, not an affair) but feeling awful about it took up a huge amount of my time and energy in the few months before he found out. Eventually he did find out and said he'd also been cheating on me and it was a good opportunity to get it out in the open! We did not stay together.

I still feel this awful, sick feeling of having done something terribly wrong whenever I think about it a decade later. On the very odd occasion that I've ever been tempted to overstep the mark with someone else while I'm in a relationship, I remind myself how terrible it felt.

I've been cheated on by other partners and although it hurts terribly, I'd personally rather be betrayed than be the person doing the betraying because of the appalling guilt I felt. I wish I didn't really because my bf was an absolute arse!

Sorry to hear you've had a rough time OP

I’ve been the single person involved with a married man and no, I didn’t feel any guilt. We had a great time and I have no regrets. We are still friends and he has since amicably divorced and is remarried to a really lovely woman & I am happily married to a really lovely man.

My DM was a serial cheater throughout her three marriages. She made me her confidante. She was addicted to the thrill of new love/limerence. It was devastating to watch and be part of. She lost her father very young and her DM was cold and repressed. She was continually seeking male attention and adoration. She was very beautiful, but so so unhappy and insecure. She ruined our childhoods with her constant affairs, which she made very little attempt to hide.

@IamGusFring

I have not cheated but I know several who have done . Their feelings ? They deserve it . They got addicted to it . They like the "rush". They lost their way . They lied about the extent of it . They compartmentalise . It does intrude into their home life . They thought it was going to be a short thing . They felt wanted . They think " what about my happiness ? first and foremost . When found out - they begged to stay . They continued to see AP behind wife's back . They tried to pay off the AP. They tried to do better . They were afraid of people finding out and blamed it on their wife. It's a whole shit show really .

Off topic but you don't need a space before a full stop like this .

It's really distracting to read.

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron yeah you are right . It is off topic . Go and get a life .

[quote IamGusFring]@ImJustMadAboutSaffron yeah you are right . It is off topic . Go and get a life .[/quote]

To be on topic, are all cheaters the same? Surely not. There must be those who should never be in a marriage or committed relationship in the first place because they can't keep it in their pants, some who make a one off mistake and regret it forever, some who do it to spice up their lives because their marriage is boring but they want to stay for other reasons (finances, kids, taking advantage).

None of these come out smelling of roses, but they won't all feel the same.

My husband and I were together almost 30 years, I carried the mental load and doing all the doing and fixing, he just couldn’t handle the stresses associated with his business which I also helped him with (I had an abusive childhood so a people pleaser and a fixer). The way he handled stress meant the whole house was miserable and it started to impact our children. Despite me begging him to find better ways to handle his stress. I started a new business so that he could retire and I would continue to work but starting a new business requires a lot of time and effort and on top of that I still had the mental load and helping with all the admin in his business.

He decided that I no longer loved him rather than stepping up and take some of the mental load from me, I was drowning in work (multiple jobs plus mental load) and stress of working and worrying and was short with him at times and this made him decide I no longer loved him. I told him how his behaviour was impacting me and asked him to step up. He did not step up and became resentful of me working all the time. He never communicated his issues or concerns with me instead he started an affair.

His reasons for the affair he didn’t feel loved. I caught him out (I believe he would have continued) he begged for a second chance, minimised what he did. I believe he had become resentful, he was selfish and unable to communicate effectively and deal with adult situations in a mature way and acted instead in an extremely selfish fashion.

After giving him a second chance provided he told the truth I discovered more lies. The lies in my opinion were to protect him and not me as he kept saying.

As a consequence of his actions myself and our children are seeing therapists one of my children has thoughts about self harming.

He has still not taken any real responsibility and keeps on whining about how he didn’t feel loved.

In my experience my ex was selfish, was not a real partner as he left me to deal with everything and I mean everything. He was absolutely vile to me during our separation as we had to live under the same roof and the harm he did to me and our children cannot be measured.

He is now back in touch with his affair partner the children know but he is too stupid to realise this. I believe they love him but don’t respect him and it is all down to his own behaviour as I don’t speak ill of him.

Some people who have affairs are just selfish rather than discussing and communicating like adults.

For the duration of his affair he would start fights over the smallest things I believe this was to set me up as the bad guy.

If he felt any guilt it was temporary. From conversations with my therapist he has some form of arrested development based on how he deals with stress and uncomfortable conversations.

So any guilt was temporary, he compartmentalised, he lied, was mentally and verbally abusive and not once has he thought how his behaviour would impact our children because apparently children are resilient! Well yes they are but there are limits and it’s how you handle things.

I agree affairs can start for many reasons and our relationship wasn’t a happy one but the reason for that unhappiness was his behaviour and then my subsequent response to that behaviour because frankly I had become resentful of his constant whining about his unhappiness but yet doing nothing to help fix it, watching me running around doing everything.

I was very unhappy, not brave enough to end and didn't want to break up the family. It was an awful time when it got found out but now we know it was best for everyone

@highdef202 I’m so sorry you’re in pain. The trouble is there are so many different types of affairs, EXCUSES for cheating and so many different responses to being found out and how they feel about the AP after.

My husband is a remorseful cheat, he is I’m beginning to realise, a very RARE beast. He had a limerant/twu luv/soulmates affair during a time of crisis in his life (context not excuse).

To cheat he and his other woman diminished and dehumanised me, my personal agency was ripped from me as they made decisions about my life, MY children. They lived in a fantasy world and lied to themselves and each other to justify their actions. He exaggerated his feelings for her, because if he could call it love then he was cheating for good, because ‘love’ is good right and everyone will be better off. He compartmentalised and his increased lying made it easier to lie more. He behaved like an addict.

As the limerance wore off he came crashing down. He started to question everything. He’d had his highs and he now had earth shattering lows. As the fantasy collapsed he saw the other woman for who she is.

My husband went through huge guilt and shame. He crawled to the other side of that and found remorse. That’s when he started to heal. He has really peeled back the layers of why and talks eloquently about giving himself permission to cheat his selfishness and entitlement. He describes her as enabling a very dark side of himself, he has no desire to speak to her ever again, she is ‘meh’ to him. Although we know she still believes it was some true love story.

Honestly watching my husband’s journey I can see why very few cheats feel even guilt for their actions because his personal journey has been brutal. I think most will continue to justify and rationalise their actions away, rather than face the fact they traumatised their partners and (often) assisted their affair partner in traumatising another for their own selfish desires and needs.

The truth of the matter OP is if the cheat in your life is not giving you answers to the questions you’re asking, then they’re not remorseful, regretful maybe but not remorseful. You need the answers pertinent to you, and your situation and you need to see that what they’re saying to you is the truth.

Firstly thank you to everyone for the kinds words of support and being honest about the experiences and feelings.

@Ladybugzrock

You made a statement at the end of your post that said

"if the cheat in your life is not giving you answers to the questions you’re asking, then they’re not remorseful, regretful maybe but not remorseful."

What if the they are giving answers, but I don't believe?

Is it that I have just been hurt so badly that I don't want to listen to what they are saying or is it a case of things just don't add up and I know what they are telling me is a pack of lies. Am I trying to bury my head in the sand and ignore whats really going on to save my own hurt and feelings.

Is it really things don't add up or is it me thats just not listening and finding things hard to believe and pushing them away

You will have lost trust so you'll never be sure what to believe. That makes it difficult.

Also about this -

"if the cheat in your life is not giving you answers to the questions you’re asking, then they’re not remorseful, regretful maybe but not remorseful."

That's not necessarily correct. I wouldn't answer all my DH's questions and I told him straight up that I wouldn't answer questions that would do nothing but hurt him more. That's not me being all noble, it just seemed pointless.

I understand the 'need to know' but do you really need to know everything? My DH knew I had been having sex with someone else over a period of time. Did he need to know where, when, how many times? I told him what he needed to know. It would have served no purpose to give him the specifics, especially when I wasn't asking for or expecting forgiveness.

@Ladybugzrock what the hell is "twu luv" ???

[quote Ladybugzrock]@highdef202 I’m so sorry you’re in pain. The trouble is there are so many different types of affairs, EXCUSES for cheating and so many different responses to being found out and how they feel about the AP after.

My husband is a remorseful cheat, he is I’m beginning to realise, a very RARE beast. He had a limerant/twu luv/soulmates affair during a time of crisis in his life (context not excuse).

To cheat he and his other woman diminished and dehumanised me, my personal agency was ripped from me as they made decisions about my life, MY children. They lived in a fantasy world and lied to themselves and each other to justify their actions. He exaggerated his feelings for her, because if he could call it love then he was cheating for good, because ‘love’ is good right and everyone will be better off. He compartmentalised and his increased lying made it easier to lie more. He behaved like an addict.

As the limerance wore off he came crashing down. He started to question everything. He’d had his highs and he now had earth shattering lows. As the fantasy collapsed he saw the other woman for who she is.

My husband went through huge guilt and shame. He crawled to the other side of that and found remorse. That’s when he started to heal. He has really peeled back the layers of why and talks eloquently about giving himself permission to cheat his selfishness and entitlement. He describes her as enabling a very dark side of himself, he has no desire to speak to her ever again, she is ‘meh’ to him. Although we know she still believes it was some true love story.

Honestly watching my husband’s journey I can see why very few cheats feel even guilt for their actions because his personal journey has been brutal. I think most will continue to justify and rationalise their actions away, rather than face the fact they traumatised their partners and (often) assisted their affair partner in traumatising another for their own selfish desires and needs.

The truth of the matter OP is if the cheat in your life is not giving you answers to the questions you’re asking, then they’re not remorseful, regretful maybe but not remorseful. You need the answers pertinent to you, and your situation and you need to see that what they’re saying to you is the truth.[/quote]
I hate to say it but your H is doing exactly what you claim cheats do.

I think most will continue to justify and rationalise their actions away, rather than face the fact they traumatised their partners and (often) assisted their affair partner in traumatising another for their own selfish desires and needs

As the limerance wore off he came crashing down

He had a limerant/twu luv/soulmates affair during a time of crisis in his life (context not excuse)

You or he are trying to downplay this to it meant nothing. He is no better than other cheats.

@AgathaMystery

I’ve been the single person involved with a married man and no, I didn’t feel any guilt. We had a great time and I have no regrets. We are still friends and he has since amicably divorced and is remarried to a really lovely woman & I am happily married to a really lovely man.

You were not the cheater. Tell us how your bf felt?

I suppose the other spouse would like to think their cheating spouse was racked with guilt constantly, and even now, years later still punishes themselves for their weakness.

Thing is, we had a fab time, still good friends, sex was amazing, got on so well. He's still married and working at being faithful, I'm single and much much happier.

I had a relationship with a man who was married, well not legally but in that type of committed relationship. And I have some insight into how he felt about it. He was a serial cheat, cheated long term on his previous long term partner and cheated long term on his current partner. He lied to me about his situation so that I would start seeing him.

He justified it by saying he was 'protecting' his partner by cheating on her. He told himself he was providing 'therapy' for the married women he had affairs with. He really saw himself as the hero of his own narrative. He said it wouldn't hurt his partner if she never found out.
He said there was no point stopping cheating as he could not make himself 'whiter than white again.'
He said was 'working on his marriage from outside his marriage (ie by having an affair'), if that makes sense?' He said. No. No it doesn't.

In other words, he had created a narrative where he did not need to feel guilt as he was doing his partner a favour by having relationships with other people rather than leaving her.

It was a load of shit of course, she was a successful professional, loads of friends, close family. I'm sure it would have hurt if they split
up but she had all the resources in the world to get over it.

I still regret not telling her when I found out the truth.

@Imjustmadaboutsaffron

Twu Wuv is True Love, but not really. More accurately, it's a portrayal of 'true love' that is unworkable or otherwise unbelievable.

Twu (like the word too but said in a babyish voice) and Wuv (like the word love but said, again, in a babyish voice)

I’m really sorry you’re going through this OP.

One thing I will say is that life isn’t black and white. This isn’t a justification or excusing anyones behaviour but the reasons why we do the things we do are so complex. There are deep rooted reasons why we act the way we do.
Sometimes we can navigate our more toxic characteristics well and other times we struggle to not follow self destructive or toxic patterns.

Again - no excuses, no justifications but there are reasons why people do shitty things to others. And these are rarely to do with us, the recipient of the shitty behaviour.

People are fallible, even the best of us. We are all weak and daft at times. We make mistakes. We fuck up and we can’t understand why we did it.

If you’re lucky enough to get some good therapy or to do the work on yourself to understand why you’ve done what you’ve done, its possible to learn and change and not repeat it.

Sorry for waffling but I don’t think it is black + white. Cheating in a relationship does not make you a bad person full stop and it doesn’t mean you don’t care for your partner full stop.

Life is complex and people aren’t perfect. The key thing for me would be - is he taking responsibility for it? Ownership? Change?

For what it’s worth - I didn’t forgive an affair and didn’t take my ex back. But I forgave him as a person and I know why he did it. I don’t and never did take it personally.

@highdef202 did he tell you or was he found out? Could you not maybe ask the woman he was involved with? If you think the answers he’s giving you are lies?