When does a bad relationship become what you would call an abusive one?

[eazyduzit]

I was talking to my friend about my relationship today and she said 'what he has done to you is abusive, do you know that?' and to be honest, I didn't, or don't. I said 'yeah yeah, he's been so crap' but when I put the phone down I actually felt quite shocked. It's bothered me all day since.

So, about 3 years ago we had a bad argument and both said some hurtful things. My DH admits he hasn't really gotten over that argument. For the last 3 years he has:

1. Ignored me for long stretches of time. Periods of months. Silent treatment. For example, waking up in the morning and saying good morning to all of the children, but not me.

2. I don't know how to explain this without sounding silly, but I feel it. He plays with the children or does things with them in a way that makes me feel left out. It's like he has built this world around them and only they are involved in that world, I don't exist.

3. Left our bed and sleeps on the sofa (this is intermittent, but it just feels so rejecting)

4. Tells me every now and again he doesn't love me anymore and no longer wants me intimately

5. When I try to talk about our problems he says cruel things and is highly critical of me. It definitely feels like he's trying to be mean, but he says he's just being honest. It could be that, some people are just more blunt

6. If I mention anything good that I have ever done he casts that as the past

7. If I ask a question or try to engage him in conversation, he frowns, or looks angry, leaving me wondering whether I have done something wrong, said something out of turn, I don't know. It's strange, it just seems like me just being me is enough to make him exasperated. On word answers. Like blood from a stone.

8. Says he's leaving, and he has half moved out.

There's more, but on the whole it makes me feel stupid, boring, ugly, unwanted, unloveable around him. I actually don't think I am a bad looking woman, I think I'm ok actually! Around other people I am still me, laugh, jokey, chatty, I don't think most people would know how incredibly sad I am. Around other men I still feel attractive, I don't think I am ugly, I'm at least average(!) But around him, I have noticed if he walks into room I might walk out just because I think he dislikes me so much I don't want to be in his sight. I feel like he's disgusted by me. The feeling that someone dislikes me just makes me want to disappear or run and hide, and I think it is especially because he used to love me. Around him I feel shit. I've got so little confidence. In other areas of my life, I'm ok.

Now, I had never thought any of this was abusive as such, mainly because I have thought maybe other women wouldn't feel this bad, they'd be more resilient or stronger, and it is just me. I've been thinking about it today. If someone punches you, you bruise, some skin tones might hide it, but it would show on me and many of us. The evidence of the hurt is clear cut and obvious, obvious cause and effect. But this is emotional, and I guess I think some other women wouldn't be so badly impacted by it, so it's got a lot to do with me the way I am feeling. If I said to him 'this is abusive, the mean things you say and do' he would deny it. He would say it wasn't his intention.

So last night, no sorry, the night before, he accused me of not making much of an effort around Christmas. He is right, I kind of stepped back and just let him lead on everything. This is really unlike me. But I was just petrified of doing anything wrong and I just thought if I am led by him, if I don't initiate I can't upset him and he won't be mean to me. But then he criticised me for not doing enough and I just broke down in tears and told him I'm often too scared to speak or do anything through fear of drawing criticism, or upsetting him which would lead to a feeling of hostility or tension, and as I said it I realised that I'm kind of broken around him. Not elsewhere, just around him. And it's weird, that argument we had 3 years ago, we both said things, but I've reconciled what he said to me, he apologised, I accepted. I apologised, but he hasn't accepted, he says that actually what I said just shows I'm not the one for him, we're on different 'wavelengths' and our relationship just won't work. So what he said is done and dusted, but what I said will never be so. It's part of who I am, it revealed my character. And everytime that argument is mentioned, I end up apologising again, he says ' I don't want you to apologise again', but then what else am I supposed to do? It was 3 years ago. I can't forever be punished for it, can I? It's just forever held against me, and the reason my children will now be raised by separated parents. And I feel awful about it, it's all my fault. That somehow I've got to save the relationship.

Since I cried a couple of nights ago he has changed, actually. And on that night he said 'the things you are saying about how you feel, it's like you're making out I'm beating you or I'm one of those men'. At the time I said 'no, I've never said you have beaten me'. But after what my friend said, I now wonder whether I am displaying some of the signs of a crushed woman. I'm rattled by it. My sister was in a physical DV relationship and I vowed that would never happen to me, and so the idea that my relationship is or has been abusive it's unsettling to say the least.

Look, this has been a long post. And it's worth saying he's not always engaging in these behaviours, but they aren't rare, at all.

And the past two days he has been much nicer, and I can feel a relief in my body. I noticed I wasn't worried as much when I was around him. At one point I was with the kids and I laughed with them while he was in the car driving with us and I hadn't done that in ages.

I think it's gone beyond being aware that there's a disconnect. You're not living like flat mates. He's giving you the silent treatment. that is so abusive. The silent treatment is to make you feel shit. People who give the silent treatment know that.

OP, I was in a relationship with an abusive man, and something very similar happened: his behaviour appeared to shift dramatically after one argument (I use that term loosely, because in retrospect I can see he was trying to pick a fight).

In retrospect I can also see that it wasn't about the argument at all. That was just his way of ending things when he got fed up, a method he'd used on other partners too. His behaviour to me before then had also been cruel and controlling. Of course he'd been nice sometimes. No abusers are awful 100% of the time. But focusing on the argument meant he could say it was my fault when he decided to break up with me, that I'd "ruined" the relationship. He still hung around for all the benefits I provided - caretaking, cleaning, etc. - until he found someone else. Then he was off with her. But in the interim there were bouts of silent treatment, mood swings, cruel comments.

Hearing you say that you "counted yourself lucky" before the argument because everything was roses then makes me suspect that you're idealising the past and blocking out negative stuff. No one in a truly nurturing relationship "counts themselves lucky". That's something you do when things aren't quite right and you're trying to comfort yourself with the notion that at least it isn't worse. In my head, my ex telling me I was lazy was an example of him being loving - because he said it affectionately and told me he didn't mind. I was grateful. It was only in therapy later on that I saw that was him undermining me and making me feel like shit, not him being kind. And no one goes from being perfectly loving to administering the silent treatment overnight. No one. I suspect there will have been previous warning signs that you can't see right now.

I do think this is his way of pinning it on me - I'm not accepting that. I think it is normal that two people who have joined lives together for 15 years will have disagreements and will say things that upset one another. In this case it was a one-ff and I could never have known it would upset hi, this much, and I have tried to make up for it every since, which is a heck of a long time. I don't forget that in that conversation he also said something that really upset me. It's life.

I thought I was lucky because I was raised in a Christian household and taught to appreciate and be thankful for everything that is good! I think I am incredibly lucky to have my sister and my children etc etc, it's not a sign of things going wrong in those relationships. I don't think our relationship was perfect. We were on a journey. That's life.

I asked him to talk about things going forward, as I mentioned I would in a message above. But it seems he has caught covid from the children so he is ill and now is not the right time.

I was in such a good , strong, sturdy spot to do it and all. But it can wait, it is only fair. I can't force him through such an important and seismic conversation when he is ailing.

Exhale......

I asked him to talk about things going forward, as I mentioned I would in a message above. But it seems he has caught covid from the children so he is ill and now is not the right time.

He may or may not be up to having such a serious talk just now but I can't help that think he's said no just because it's something you want to do.

That's good that you are prepared to still have it, maybe just start talking and don't give him the chance to have things on his terms. And please do not apologise about the argument again, in fact it's probably as well not to even mention it, it's gone way beyond that.

Sending you strength